My boyfriend has a BPD ex... what are his needs?

[Akira81]

Hi,

so i going my way back in this board years after it helped me save myself from a pretty abusive relationship with someone with borderline structure and narcissist traits.

I went to therapy for a long Time.

But still i struggle atm and i dont really know how to handle this  Situation and since i know how much support you can find in this side.

I fell deeply in love with this guy, very sensitive and slightly depressive nature with heaps of psychological Problems in the past. No borderline. He was in therapy for years.

We do have a similar personality structure and a similar Family history.

1,5 Years ago his borderline ex of 6 months long distance (supposidly diagnosed BPD, and everything he is telling me supports this) left him "out of the blue" and his World collapsed.

So he obviously spent that time frantically looking for someone to heal him, sleeping around, being severely depressive, dating a couple of ppl at once bis keeping a door open for her.

Until we met.

At least this is what he says.

That he found Peace now.

We spend a mit of Time together and have been an official couple for 2 months now.

He actually wants me to move in and stuff.

What bothers me:

the tales of her.

How important she was

That he had to tell himself she he an accident and died to get over her.

That he gives her a similar space in his heart as his beloved grandfather who passed away.

And even though he tells me that he would never trade me for her, that he never felt so safe and happy and that this is so much what he wants... .im just... .i cant Even really name it propperly... .

I know its good to understand him and give him this feeling.

But i also feel as though i can never reach this emotional intensity - no stable person probably can - and that i might just not be enough at some Point. Or that she will just show up one day and he will be just drown to her again.

This all might me very silly of me and maybe im whining but still im struggling atm.

Thank you all for reading!

[WishIKnew82]

You are not being silly at all. And I must say first that I have a very bad history with this exact issue so maybe I am way too paranoid about it but still this is my take. Maybe someone else can give you a more stable view about it.

I hate being a debby downer but I do suggest you watch yourself not to get sucked into something that is too one way street. You deserve to be THAT person for someone as he should be THAT person for you. If someone is not over someone and is still in awe of that person it will only bring pain and sorrow. You will bite your tongue. He will make you feel loved but not loved enough and eventually you become bitter and start taking it out on him. Don't just go with the flow. Look to your bounderies and don't go beyond them. You need to protect your heart. Maybe you can be friends with him while he is getting over her. But going into a relationship unsafe is a very bad idea. I know from experience. It is one of the worst mistakes I made in life.

The dreamy way he talks about her is a red flag if you ask me. If he can't deal with her being alive and well but still not someone he wants to be with, THAT is the place he needs to be. Not giving her some place he can't reach her to make himself feel safe. It is unfair to you.

[HoneyB33]

Considering you're the one here on this board, and not him--that really says something.

For me, I am in a new relationship. And being in this relationship I am very cautious of how I handle things. I try to be very honest and up front about everything with my gf. And I'm really open with her. BUT I seriously have no desire for my ex. I know I have a desire to heal, to mend, and to feel worth--but I have no desire for her. And that really does matter, and is the difference.

I'm not still "caught up on my ex", but I am dealing with the damage done to me, and trying to heal. That is very different from having feelings for her.

I wish I could alleviate your concern, but I think you're sensing something you do need to be really careful about. I would keep my distance, and really test the waters before jumping in.

Whether or not she shows up again, you need to be with someone who doesn't have feeling for someone else. When I started dating my BPD ex, a huge red flag was that she was always talking about her ex and stuck on her.

I think you are wise to be cautious.

[Akira81]

Thank you both so much for answering.

I already feel some kind of resentment.

Thing is: in therapy i worked through why i become involved with my borderline Partner in the first place.

And i found out that it was so much my wounded inner child he could trigger so easiliy - that kind of "love" was like being on drugs - and not so much about him as a person.

as high as it felt as hollow it was in the end.


And i think this is the step he hasnt taken yet.

He doesnt really differentiate between "her" and the patterns she triggered.

I already tried to talk to him about it and this is when he gets Kind of desperate trying to explain to me how important i am for him and that she has a Special place in his heart but not "this" place and that he is giving me all he can and all he is.

[Akira81]

@honeyB33

Maybe he is trying to be open and doesnt really want to be with her anymore.

But then he is not so smart in the way he Talks to me about it

[Akira81]

We still Talk about it now and then
He then tells me things like i was about to grow into something so much more important than her.
But also that he holds her dear as a person and that she was really wonderful ob the one Hand but so full of darkness in the other and that he didnt want this any longer in his life.

A couple of days ago I woke up in the middle of the night because i was scared. Scared of this whole thing - that u might be mistaken if i opened up, that i was more or less a Substitute a real good choice because i am stable and smart.
But i want to be the one for him who makes him feel warm and excited and whole.

He was with me and i have to say he was very Sweet and tried to comfort me.


I feel so incredibly childish but this is just how it is.