Different distances from oblivion

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Got this vivid imagry today of a methaphorical way of making sense of my experience... .a black hole which represents death - the ultimate destruction/nothingness. I imagined a treadmill towards it. We are all heading there sooner or later. Some closer and have more sense / experience of it than others. Many are blissfully at the far end of the treadmill and have plenty of time to protect against feelings of darkness... .but as a human we can all experience the sense of this impending void, ... .The BPDs sense that oblivion more acutely and regularly being that much closer to it on a regular basis... .they reach out and grab onto us for support and to pull away from the void. They then become afraid of the growing distance from the void - they fear how awful it will feel to fall back down there having experienced a taste away. They cannot relax and r preoccupied with heading straight back.They take up their own means to get closer to the void again - if they are going to feel oblivion, best to have it happen with their control.  We as nons (co dependent) hang onto their coatails - we know where they are going but tag along for the ride anyhow. We also have our own need for controlled oblivion. We struggle hard to stay away, life is a slog, it feels so great to finally have a partner understand and share our slog. They distract from our journey, and the shared controlled oblivion seems right. Who is the damaged mad one out of this pairing? Our senses come to and we gradually let go and put the breaks on. We start our slog back up the treadmill again towards bliss. They can try if they wish but being so close to oblivion the closest out of all humans, they have to fight doubly hard to stay away and become at peace with the darkness

[cherryblossom]

Got this vivid imagry today of a methaphorical way of making sense of my experience... .a black hole which represents death - the ultimate destruction/nothingness. I imagined a treadmill towards it. We are all heading there sooner or later. Some closer and have more sense / experience of it than others. Many are blissfully at the far end of the treadmill and have plenty of time to protect against feelings of darkness... .but as a human we can all experience the sense of this impending void, ... .The BPDs sense that oblivion more acutely and regularly being that much closer to it on a regular basis... .they reach out and grab onto us for support and to pull away from the void. They then become afraid of the growing distance from the void - they fear how awful it will feel to fall back down there having experienced a taste away. They cannot relax and r preoccupied with heading straight back.They take up their own means to get closer to the void again - if they are going to feel oblivion, best to have it happen with their control.  We as nons (co dependent) hang onto their coatails - we know where they are going but tag along for the ride anyhow. We also have our own need for controlled oblivion. We struggle hard to stay away, life is a slog, it feels so great to finally have a partner understand and share our slog. They distract from our journey, and the shared controlled oblivion seems right. Who is the damaged mad one out of this pairing? Our senses come to and we gradually let go and put the breaks on. We start our slog back up the treadmill again towards bliss. They can try if they wish but being so close to oblivion the closest out of all humans, they have to fight doubly hard to stay away and become at peace with the darkness

[schwing]

Hi Cherryblossom,

Got this vivid imagry today of a methaphorical way of making sense of my experience... .a black hole which represents death - the ultimate destruction/nothingness.

Maybe death is oblivion.  But maybe black holes are places where time holds no meaning?  Theoretical physically speaking, black holes are where time and space defies our (current) understanding.  The only way to know what is on the other side would be to enter it.  And after you enter it... .where are you?  You can't come back.  Is it oblivion?  Maybe.  I don't know.  But I don't think you know either.  Where ever it is, if it is similar to where I was before I was borne, I think I am ok with that.

I imagined a treadmill towards it. We are all heading there sooner or later. Some closer and have more sense / experience of it than others. Many are blissfully at the far end of the treadmill and have plenty of time to protect against feelings of darkness... .but as a human we can all experience the sense of this impending void, ... .

Most definitely there is an end.  At some point in each of our individual journeys, we all must consider our destination.  Metaphysically speaking, I wonder if/how much it helps/matters if we invent or subscribe to different ideas of what lies beyond?  If nothing?  But then what is nothing?  Could nothing be the accumulation of everything?  Must we fear it?  I guess we should eventually accept it.

The BPDs sense that oblivion more acutely and regularly being that much closer to it on a regular basis... .they reach out and grab onto us for support and to pull away from the void. They then become afraid of the growing distance from the void - they fear how awful it will feel to fall back down there having experienced a taste away. They cannot relax and r preoccupied with heading straight back.They take up their own means to get closer to the void again - if they are going to feel oblivion, best to have it happen with their control. 

My feeling is that people with BPD feel badly because they have not yet begun to walk their own journey.  They have always depended upon the coat tails of others; in that who they allows themselves to be, has always depended upon with whom they are currently.  I don't think they have yet to allow themselves to be themselves, until they recover.  As sad as it is that this journey must end for each of us, it is much worst when you realize that you never gave yourself the chance to figure out which path is your path.

We as nons (co dependent) hang onto their coatails - we know where they are going but tag along for the ride anyhow. We also have our own need for controlled oblivion. We struggle hard to stay away, life is a slog, it feels so great to finally have a partner understand and share our slog. They distract from our journey, and the shared controlled oblivion seems right. Who is the damaged mad one out of this pairing?

I think we co-dependents would like to invent a world in which we each save each other, and we hope that we are not the odd one left out.  Some pwBPD are adept at showing us our hearts desire; the illusion that we could save each other... .from what? From ourselves?

We co-dependents don't believe that we are ourselves strong enough, or that we deserve to save ourselves.  We are.  We do.

Our senses come to and we gradually let go and put the breaks on. We start our slog back up the treadmill again towards bliss.

It is said that "ignorance is bliss."  We purchased our most recent wisdom with pain.  But I do believe, with wisdom, happiness can be grasped.

They can try if they wish but being so close to oblivion the closest out of all humans, they have to fight doubly hard to stay away and become at peace with the darkness

I think peace is a worthwhile endeavor.

Thanks for sharing.

[cherryblossom]

 

Thanks for replying shwing

It was a very visual depiction -hard to put words to -I'm more visual -used to be good with words -feel braindead presently-felt like writing about it though to practice my creative thinking -something that has died off since the split and died within the relationship actually as I denounced anything that was not part of our "special" connection and hoped future together

It was not really a black hole but space in its entity-and I think it had more to do with feelings of fear rather than the actual end that is always in sight consciously or unconsciously -maybe a picture of the existential crisis we are all in -or maybe not all in crisis -but to some it becomes a crisis -maybe the existential reality we are in -that can result in crisis if not had enough nurturing or tools for survival / transition into adulthood

I don't fear death but some do -BPD seem to have a lot of fear but also seem to want death as a release -I know I have these last months I wouldn't do that to my sister though

The ignorance is bliss people in my picture have not needed pain to gain bliss -but some of us like you say can make meaning from pain -there is that saying isn't there?-- blessed be the cracked they let in the light-I used to actively feel that statement and understand the truth of it but again right now -they are just words that I read that have no meaning

[fromheeltoheal]

Yikes!  Vivid imagery CB!

Applying a clinical slant, consistent with your metaphor in a way, a borderline needs to attach to someone to feel whole, to complete themselves, and can report that they feel like they literally don't exist at all without an attachment.  So it could be death, it could be ceasing to exist; same thing?

Maybe ordered folks, as opposed to disordered, are on more of a lazy river, with a few rapids at times, and a big waterfall at the end, and we're all in it together, and it's not so much pulling, as we're just going with the flow, maybe more empowering than a slog?

This is Wednesday.  The difference between this Wednesday and last Wednesday is we're all one week closer to death.  Always true, but focusing on it full time may be a little morbid, so what if we focus on it for a minute; what are we going to do about that?

Couldn't help thinking what a Christian would say about your Gym of Life; it's not a black hole or a void, it's the pearly gates, where we graduate from the Gym of Life and hang out on a cloud all day, in perfect shape, with zero exercise.  Either that or that treadmill's going downhill and it's getting warmer... .

[cherryblossom]

For me it feels like a slog at this time  . But then -only dead fish swim with the stream.

Im not in flow atm though. Things piling and piling on top of me atm.

I dont believe in heaven or hell. Or I think if there is a hell we are already in it.

There are so many different concepts of God - some as a nuturing source some as a strict authoritarian - makes it hard for me to be religious - I feel I am spiritual however - I like the more ancient approaches to spirituality - paganism, shamanism etc... .also the concept of collective unconcious. I did go to some quaker meetings going back - enjoyed thise but they encourage free thought and do not seek to indoctrinate. Am going to do reiki course in sep or jan next year very much looking forward to raising my vibration!