Should I follow up our encounter? Please help

[KarmasReal]

So I made a post about this recently but it was pretty long and didn't really get to the point I wanted it to. After a my break up with my exBPD gf and 3 months no contact we both ran into each other at a bar. Actually I think she knew I was there and came to see if we would run into each other. Out break up was horrible, I blamed her because she left on my birthday and said some cruel things, tonight when we saw each other she eventually told me she felt I abandoned her when she was going through a hard time.

Anyway we talk drunkenly for a bit and she says her and her friends are leaving, they go, a couple minutes past I walk out and she's walking back in, by herself this time, I assume to find me again. We end up going to her car and end up having about 3 to 4 hours of Sex and strange conversation. She says she misses me, loves me, thinks about me when hears songs, still has our picture from a trip we took, still wears my old clothes. She also says after we broke up she hooked with a guy with a girlfriend for a while, with one of her friends, and that she was taking some guy she had sex with before to a wedding the day after this, also that she was drinking and smoking weed a lot now. She tried for me to go home with her after and for her to go to my place. I was on guard with all this because I know how she can play me. She never really said anything concrete about us or what she wanted now, or what all this meant though. It's confusing.

She later took me to my car and I said bye and she drove off. I said a couple of times during this interaction we probably won't see each other again, just to se what she said, she never really said she wanted to see me again. That was the phrase I was looking for. Now it's been 3 days after this and I feel terrible, like I lost her again. Does she want me to contact her? Was this just a random hook up? It could be that, but Ido t know why she would say all that other stuff, it could have been sex and goodbye. Now I feel like I want to see what it means. I feel like I want to text her this week, if she doesn't end up texting me, I don't know what to say though? This isn't me wanting to get back together it is me wanting to know was it real or was it not, I feel like how we interact after this will tell me a lot.

What do you guys think? Anyone been through any of this?

[Sadly]

Hi Karma
Am sorry you are hurting, confused. All I can suggest is you read, read, read until you go cross eyed on this site, and here you will find the answer to your questions. Then, whatever you choose, and it can only be your choice, you will find knowledge and compassion and wisdom here to help you. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi KarmasReal,

Your conflicted feelings about this new event are really understandable. I can relate to them very much. I suggest that since you don't know what to do or how to approach possible contact with your ex that you do nothing for the moment.

Take a breath, feel your feelings. There is something there that you want desperately to soothe. Try to feel what it is and give it the attention that it needs (that you need).

Remember, when a pwBPD connects with others as a way to soothe his/her own unbearable feelings, they can feel very differently about what happened after the fact. In other words, the moment is everything—the next day or week can bring a very different perspective; one that may be painful for you, because the emotions in someone with BPD are so changeable.

Think about what you want and value in your life, KarmasReal. Do you really want to dive back into a relationship that you have judged to be painful and unhealthy?

Keep writing and be gentle with yourself. No matter what you choose to do, keep your true needs in mind. We are here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Rayban]

Hi Karma,

I would go weeks without speaking to my BPDex. We would re-establish contact,  and relive the honeymoon period which would last less then 24 hours. 

We would meet,  talk about what went wrong  ... .actually she would tell me what I did wrong in our relationship,  she never admitted any fault.  She would also validate me by saying how much she missed me, how she constantly was thinking about me,  how she longed for my touch. I would do the same, and look at her like I've never looked at a woman before.  This ended up into a night of passionate sex.

The morning after she would be a different person.  She would be cold or distant,  and would downplay the time we spent together. I would be left confused, not sure of where we stood. 

After one of these nights, I decided not to text her the next day. That night she called me to guilt me, telling me I just used her for sex. Watch for this from your ex.

So what is behind this behaviour?

Well I believe it's a matter of convenience for her.  She needs validation and can't be alone. I happen to be available and she likes keeping me in the rotation.  I believe once she realizes that we can't be in a relationship, she wants to keep me around like she keeps other exes on the side for a rainy day. 

 

[Ellemno]

It does sound like you're trying to soothe yourself with her, and that you're confused. Understandable. We've all been there.

It sounds too like she's soothing herself with you, and isn't clear about what she wants.
Do you know what you want from her?

[gotbushels]

Hi KarmasReal 

This isn't me wanting to get back together it is me wanting to know was it real or was it not, I feel like how we interact after this will tell me a lot.

Can you be specific of what "it" was for being real in your statement? 

[drained1996]

I'm with bushels on this, what exactly are you questioning here?  Was the sex real?  Was your past relationship with her real?
I think the real question is what exactly do you want?  What answers are you searching for?

[KarmasReal]

hey guys great replies,

When I say I want to know if it was real basically means was all the things she said to me real. If she really does love and miss me and think about me like she said. Obviously she still finds me attractive. I feel like if I send a text asking just to grab a drink or something to get a response out of her it will make what happened more clear. If she responds negatively I'll know it was just a one night thing and she was just saying all of that for my ego, if she agrees to meet or responds positively maybe what she said was true.

As for me needing to soothe that's true, I've had so much depression and reckless behavior from the loss of our relationship. For those 6 hours we were together it felt normal again. I did the best I could at the time not to let my feelings come back up, but the next day they all just came back full force and she wasn't there for me to talk to anymore. I'm scared by texting her I'll look weak, but at the same time it could work out in my favor. I know her life has been on a negative spiral since we broke up from everything she said, she's out of control, maybe she wants to talk to me as bad as I do. Unfortunately we are both stubborn. It would feel bad to text and realize that night was all fake but at least I would know then. I think that night might have changed her perspective in the fact that she knows if she does respond negatively I will be gone and she will have lost me forever, we've had too much of a connection these last two years I don't think she wants to lose that.

The feelings I'm feeling are I want to talk to her, in a no pressure way, about our lives and what's going on, what we want, after that I think things would at least make a little sense to me.

[drained1996]

My suggestion is take a deep breath... .and do nothing.  I feel your pain and confusion from your last interaction with your ex... .we all do.  Knowing yourself that you are confused, is a red flag, to slow down and take inventory of what YOU want, and what YOU need.  Do you need to have a mentally ill person back in your life?  Do you really think you will get the answers you want/expect?  Are you prepared for answers you may not like?  Is getting your own validation from a mentally ill person really validation?
Remember, BPD's will love you one minute and hate you the next because the wind switched direction or a leaf fell on the driveway.  She probably loved you during your last interaction, but I can promise, she will hate you again. 
Feel your feelings in this moment, and try to understand what they are, and what they are telling you... .slow your mind down and take your time making this decision.  Make sure it's a decision that takes care of YOU.