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Author Topic: Why Cant I accept the truth & facts  (Read 673 times)
leew2110
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« on: July 08, 2016, 07:06:03 PM »

7 Month NC now from a 10 year nightmare and I still cant go a day without her in my head.
I know she has BPD, she has all the symptoms except self harm. All the red flags, all the behaviour patterns.
In 10 year there isnt much i havent witnessed or experienced.
So badly want to not care and detach
Therapist tells me she is BPD and then has me sit 5 tests online and pretend i am her answering the questions.
All 5 return a diagnosis of BPD.
I struggle to accept it.
I then got her own cousin who 'was' the closest to her all her life to sit the 5 tests, her marks come back 'severe' BPD.
she once left for 2 year with a replacement and returned, so i contacted the ex replacement and asked how it was and also asked him which of the 9 symptoms did he recognise with her.
he got 8 out of 9. same answers as me, everything except self harm.
he had a nightmare time with her too.

My brain tells me all the facts and she is BPD.
But my heart just wont accept it.
I tell myself it doesnt matter coz the relationship was toxic either way, that doesnt work either.

If i could just accept she is mentally ill & wont ever change... maybe i could just stop thinking the latest replacement is better than me, shes happier and it was all my fault, that if she ever speaks again, we can be happy etc.

her parents are terrified of her moods, her brother and cousin etc no longer speak to her.
yet she seems so nice to everyone that doesnt know the real her, they believe her lies etc
I want to say she's his problem now & god help him when the real her shows herself, but all i feel is devastated, cheated & Jealous. terrified shes going to start a family with him & live happily ever after while i cant see to recover fully.

I cant even give myself a genuine reason to miss her. yet somehow i do, but dont want to.
i want to simply see her as a bad mistake and detach for good.

I am terrified she wont reach out again and also terrified she will in case I dont say NO MORE THANKS.

Does anyone else have problems accepting the truth of it all & just letting go?


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FallBack!Monster
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« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2016, 07:16:45 PM »



Does anyone else have problems accepting the truth of it all & just letting go?

In some way i believe we all do have a problem wanting to accept the facts.  It's just an ego trip, I think.  In my case, it isn't that I don't think I can or don't want to.  I just think it hasn't gone away 100%.  But I do not miss her presence like I use to. I'm not use to her anymore.  I think she think she's me, and I'm her.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Ahoy
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« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2016, 07:46:01 PM »

Hi Leew,

Perhaps I would look at this another way, you are ONLY 7 months removed from what sounds like an extremely traumatic and scarring experience. Your brain is processing 10 years of memories, coming to terms with the unfortunate truth about your ex. I mean for comparison's sake, I'm only JUST starting to recover my self esteem after my split and I'm 6 months out of a 4 year relationship. You can't speed up the hands of time my friend, as much as we would like to.

What do you think is causing you the most issues? Is it letting go of the fantasy of your relationship? Do you think it is because you are unable to accept your relationship is over?

Also remember these relationships are often extremely abusive, I recommend that you read up on trauma bonding (if you haven't already) BPD's seem to be able to cast hooks that latch onto our emotions and are VERY difficult to remove.

If I can be honest, I would say with the way you are writing, you are doing awesome =) You have knowledge and understand logically that you were in a very toxic and unhealthy relationship (which you have confirmed by speaking to another EX). Once again, time will play a big part in dulling the pain you feel right now.

On a final note, give yourself some slack! There is no timeframe in healing, it's going to take as long as it takes. I think it's fantastic you are maintaining NC.

Just another thought, perhaps it's time to seek a distraction to help chase off thoughts of her. For me it's computer games, I can go 3 hours and not think of her OR if I'm ruminating I'll sit down and start playing and it chases those repeating thoughts away. Maybe it's time you delved into Youtube DIY and found a new hobby. If you are going to be thinking about her all the time, at the very least you could be learning how to make cabinets, beautiful furniture, wind chimes out of twisted forks, whatever interests you!

You WILL get through this mate!
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leew2110
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« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2016, 07:58:18 PM »

Thanks.
I have read up on trauma bonding. I seem to have a lot of the symptoms for that. Tho my therapist says I am not but I have suffered trauma.
I have read an extensive amount of books on BPD and letting go of toxic relationships etc...
I feel myself getting stronger but I can't stop thinking about her and I so badly want to.
Also yes, it's more the fantasy person I can't let go off even tho I know the reality.
I even doubt my own mind for doing this and for letting it last 10 year, yet afraid if she reaches out, I won't stay strong enough coz I miss the fantasy and I will end up back at square 1 again.
I want to not care and not miss her so I can feel safe knowing if she ever returns, I won't be tempted to see if she's changed this time.
That's why maybe I so badly want to accept the truth that she's mentally ill so I can know for sure she can't have changed. To make myself feel immune to her next time "if there is a next time"
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2016, 08:25:39 PM »

Hey lee-

I feel myself getting stronger but I can't stop thinking about her and I so badly want to.

The best way to fight something is to not fight it, but create something new.  Do you know what your future looks like?  Can you envision an awesome life that you'd love to live, one without her in it?  The key is to get very clear on that vision, and then make it big and bright and compelling so it pulls you towards it, and then take one step in that direction.  And then another.  And you'll be going on faith at first, but after a while you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, and pretty soon you'll be putting all you energy and focus into living that life, with the goal to guide you yes, but also realizing that it's the journey, not the destination.  And one day you'll look back and be amazed at how far you've come, and then you might notice that you haven't thought of your ex in quite a while, she seems to be fading into the past, as you turn and face forward and move closer to the life of your dreams; it's a brand new world.

So what does that future look like lee?
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Ahoy
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« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2016, 08:25:57 PM »

Just remember there is a reason that acceptance is the final stage of recovering from the loss of a relationship. You have to deal with all the other stages first (grief, denial, bargaining, anger) and once again I'll mention I think it's a really good thing that you acknowledge where you stand and can identify what is still tripping you up.

You mention accepting she is ill that you can know for sure that she can't have changed. I'm assuming your ex is undiagnosed and not receiving any therapy/treatment, what does all your teachings tell you about BPD's in this situation? Logically you must understand that she is not in a position to magically heal herself and shed all of her demons.

I understand what you are saying about how you will react if she reaches out to you, however it's been 7 months now of NC, I would try not to let this ruffle your feathers, this is the time to learn about boundaries and enforcing them, about knowing what you will tolerate (and won't) so IF that day comes, you are prepared. Don't think for one second you will go back to square one, if you stumble (which could happen) you are in a much better place to pick yourself up and continue moving forward.

I miss the fantasy too. I really, really do, I gained an appreciation for the bald guy in the original Matrix movie who just wanted to go back to the fantasy. We have no such luxury. I wouldn't want to go back there regardless. Personally I am such a stronger, more aware and emotionally mature person than I was while married to my Ex. I have a self-esteem and sense of self that I NEVER had while I was married. Do you feel this experience has made you grow as a person? Are there any positives that you can see (about yourself) that this experience has given you?
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ICantFixHer
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« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2016, 08:52:11 PM »

What do you think is causing you the most issues?

For me the most aching thing is wanting my ex to understand what she's put me through, all the doubt and confusion and loss of self confidence and the realization that in the end, it's doomed 'cause she's gonna push me and push me until I finally have to leave (which I did last year). I want her to own up: "Yes, I pushed you away. You meant nothing, really, in the long term, I just used the image of a wonderful future to string you along; your mere presence allowed me to justify my actions. The longer you stayed, the less you mattered. I could say anything to you and you would take it."

The paradox is due to BPD she's incapable of ever summarizing her actions in one statement, everything is scattered images and feelings and bad emotions swirling around in her mad, mad mind.
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Ahoy
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« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2016, 10:53:12 PM »

The paradox is due to BPD she's incapable of ever summarizing her actions in one statement, everything is scattered images and feelings and bad emotions swirling around in her mad, mad mind.

Fragmented personality? I think that's what I've read on here. In my last email from my ex, she gave me insight into her thoughts, I realised then how differently she thinks to me, everyone was was untrustworthy, everyone had malicious intent with their actions, it must be a terrible way to think.

The more I read about BPD the more I come to understand that we didn't mean nothing, we meant EVERYTHING. Which is why we evoked such powerful defense mechanisms. Vindictiveness comes from NPD, that being said, when dysregulated, a BPD can also be this way as you are split black and in her mind, you are the reason she feeling this way.

Don't underestimate how important you were to your ex. I know I was, I also know I was important and valued until I wasn't and there was no other way for her to cope than to move on to the next attachment.

Please don't think I'm sympathetic to my ex. In her current state, undiagnosed and enabled, she is going to carve a path of destruction for many years to come. I do however have some empathy for her plight and more than a fair amount of pity.
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JerryRG
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« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2016, 11:17:07 PM »

Wow, I just remembered something my exgf said just a few days ago, she said she didn't talk to anyone and she didn't trust anyone. But yet she tries to convince me she has a new family of support in her church. I've spoken to her pastors and they see all her mental issues.

I guess this is one reason she tried to isolate me from everyone including my other children. This thinking is a sure way to kill a relationship, expect your so to provide everything you need while starving them of what they need to remain healthy
  Like overusing a well until it's dried up
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leew2110
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« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2016, 12:52:12 AM »

The more I read about BPD the more I come to understand that we didn't mean nothing, we meant EVERYTHING. Which is why we evoked such powerful defense mechanisms. Vindictiveness comes from NPD, that being said, when dysregulated, a BPD can also be this way as you are split black and in her mind, you are the reason she feeling this way.

Don't underestimate how important you were to your ex. I know I was, I also know I was important and valued until I wasn't and there was no other way for her to cope than to move on to the next attachment.


Thats sometimes a hard thing to accept having come to the same understanding from all the literature out there. To go from being someones 'Everything' to nothing time and again over the years. its confusing, hurtful and leaves you numb wondering 'what Happened'.
I yearn to be her everything again, yet I know even if I was, it wouldnt be long before i became nothing shortly afterwards.
pwBPD have a way of making you feel so loved its intense and addictive, yet also so hurtful each time too.
the rages, the mood swings, the constant negative outlook she carried with her, yet still i couldnt walk away and once i finally did, I ended up with doubts and started thinking i had make a mistake, started to live in the fantasy, reached out only to find i was hated and split black in a terrible way.
also because she once did this for 2 year, i will never be sure shes gone for good.



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kc sunshine
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« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2016, 08:35:13 AM »

I have a hard time accepting the illness as well, even though my ex told me and lots of people in her life that she has it, has been in treatment for it, and certainly meets most of the markers for it. Here are the fantasies/distorted thoughts that trip me up:

*  Maybe she just has BPD traits, rather than a full blown case of it?
* She was in treatment for a year, and on anti-depressants, so maybe she can be in remission? She is also going to therapy with her daughter (for her daughter's BPD symptoms), so even though she is not seeing a therapist now herself, maybe she will benefit from being in therapy with her daughter?
* Maybe it is manageable for us?
* Maybe I'm making too big a deal of the BPD and using it to avoid facing my problems in the relationship, and to blame the break up on her?


Here are the things that help me accept BPD:
* All of her relationships have ended because of BPD-- she told me this herself and I know it is true. If I talked to any of her exes I'm sure they would say the same thing. So it is a patterned and entrenched relational mode-- it started way before me.  
* My therapist thinks that she has a raging personality disorder and in order to go into remission, she would need an intense, long term program.
* Maybe we figured out a way to manage the rages and the depression, but we couldn't figure out a way to  
avoid the intense distrust and jealousy or the impulsive break ups.

What are the thoughts that trip you all up? What are the thoughts that help you accept the illness?

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leew2110
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« Reply #11 on: July 09, 2016, 03:38:23 PM »

Thoughts for struggling with it are simply that I miss the part of her that can be so loving and warm yet seem to keep forgetting the rages & jealousy parts etc
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leew2110
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« Reply #12 on: July 10, 2016, 04:03:03 AM »

I know her mind is disorder etc and her way of thinking is disordered.
what does it say about my/our minds though that we actually miss someone who nearly destroyed us and put us through hell.
we yearn to have them back even when we know how toxic it was.
so have our own minds become just as disordered as theirs?
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woundedPhoenix
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« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2016, 05:00:05 AM »

In my view, it's hard to move on cause in the beginning, she seemed like she was the person you wanted to spend your life with. She was the answer to everything, she fulfilled all your needs like no-one evr has for you.

And the hard thing about all of this is that we have to reach a state where we ourselves have to become our answer to everything, that we fullfill our needs ourself.

She seemed like the quick answer to it all, but was she/he really?
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