Want to help my sister and her kids...

[Soldadaromana]

Hi everyone… I have a sister who is married to a man with BPD.  They have young children.she says that she wants to separate but she also wants to keep their house and have an amicable divorce.  From what I've read about BPDs this is not  realistic is it? One of the three children in particular is the scapegoat and is treated badly by the father, which breaks my heart.  I have tried to encourage my sister to go to a women's shelter and to make a clean separation ( or at least talk to someone at a women's shelter to get advice) without him knowing where she is because he has threatened to kill himself and he has even tried to strangle her on one occasion at least.  She makes an excuse for this by saying that he was not taking his medications during that time (if he had actually killed her that time would it have been OK since he wasn't taking his medications?) I also know that he has been abusive toward at least one of the children and she has not once called the police even though She says someone had called CPS on them at least once. I'm afraid for her and the children but I don't know what else to do at this point because she thinks she's "in control".  Any advice on how I can continue to encourage her to be wise?

[Kwamina]

Hi Soldadaromana

BPD is a challenging disorder and I understand your concerns for your sister and her children. You mention his medications, has he perhaps been officially diagnosed with BPD and/or another disorder?

One of the three children in particular is the scapegoat and is treated badly by the father, which breaks my heart.
... .
... .he has threatened to kill himself and he has even tried to strangle her on one occasion at least.  She makes an excuse for this by saying that he was not taking his medications during that time

It is very sad that he treats that one child this way. Often BPD parents engage in the behavior known as 'splitting' and they often designate children either 'all-good' or 'all-bad'.

It is very concerning that he has tried to strangle your sister. What did your sister do when that happened? Did she alert any authorities or did she totally excuse it because he 'wasn't taking his medications'? We have some material here that I think both you and your sister might benefit from: Safety First

Has your sister perhaps ever called a domestic violence hotline?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[Soldadaromana]

Hi!  Yes he has been diagnosed.  According to my sister he takes anti psychotic meds.  Unfortunately when the strangling incident occurred she didn't tell me about it initially.  I found out weeks later from my mother who lives close to my sister.  I did address the issue with my sister and it does not seem that she called the police.  I begged her to get in touch with a hotline connected with one of the women's shelters but when I asked her if she called she admittedly had not.  I get the impression that she wants to go about separating from him 'her way' but not the safest way.  I've always been a big believer in not getting involved in other peoples affairs but at the same time, to me this is a safety issue it's not just every day marital problems, it's much deeper than that.my brother-in-law also has a history of self mutilation see has a lot of cutting scars on his body.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, soldadaromana,

I can understand why you are concerned about your sister's safety and that of her children. It sounds like she may still be experiencing some denial--it is helping her cope. I share your concern that she wants to leave without having a safety plan in place, and you're right that a call to a hotline can help. We are with you in wanting to minimize her risk. There is some information on safety planning in our workshop on responding to domestic violence.

I think it's good that your sister has your support and encouragement. Do you live close enough to her to offer to calling a hotline together, even if it's just to get information? Making initial contact might help her down the road, even if she's not ready to do anything else now. You also might consider talking with someone on your own to ask for suggestions in how to best support her.

Wishing you peace,

PF