Few Questions/Comments Etc about BPDs & listening/recalling/understanding things

[Depression = 72% of members]

Are BPDs really capable of listening to what you have to say, getting what you say and being to recall a few points of discussion to be to show person talking that they were listening? Or do they just say that they were listening and get what you were saying when they werent really listening at all or very little so they cant recall things and they know you know this so they give a immature response and arent able to repeat one thing from conversation and then give you some negative emotion or response? Also why cant they get it when you explain to them something they dont understand and they dont take your advice when they ask you what can do to change things so they dont get response from person talking to that they (BPD) dont wanna hear? Like with the last question... .If one of the BPDs kids has to call their mother by the mothers 1st name (lets just say the mothers name is Suzie) in order for the BPD to pay attention and listen. Like the kid can say mom like 7 or 8 time and the mother does not reply but as soon as the kid says Suzie... .Suzie the BPD finally listens pays attention lets the kid talk etc. Suzie gets frustrated /upset and doesnt understand why the kid calls her Suzie when the kid does. Someone tries to explain to Suzie why and that she has to do just a few things and the kid will be to just call her mom instead of Suzie. Like if Suzie will just pay attention when the kid is talking instead of talking over the kid or talking to someone else while kid is talking or watching tv while kid is talking. Idk hard to explain hope ppl get what asking and commenting on.

[Rock Chick]

Are BPDs really capable of listening to what you have to say, getting what you say and being to recall a few points of discussion to be to show person talking that they were listening? Or do they just say that they were listening and get what you were saying when they werent really listening at all or very little so they cant recall things and they know you know this so they give a immature response and arent able to repeat one thing from conversation and then give you some negative emotion or response? Also why cant they get it when you explain to them something they dont understand and they dont take your advice when they ask you what can do to change things so they dont get response from person talking to that they (BPD) dont wanna hear? Like with the last question... .If one of the BPDs kids has to call their mother by the mothers 1st name (lets just say the mothers name is Suzie) in order for the BPD to pay attention and listen. Like the kid can say mom like 7 or 8 time and the mother does not reply but as soon as the kid says Suzie... .Suzie the BPD finally listens pays attention lets the kid talk etc. Suzie gets frustrated /upset and doesnt understand why the kid calls her Suzie when the kid does. Someone tries to explain to Suzie why and that she has to do just a few things and the kid will be to just call her mom instead of Suzie. Like if Suzie will just pay attention when the kid is talking instead of talking over the kid or talking to someone else while kid is talking or watching tv while kid is talking. Idk hard to explain hope ppl get what asking and commenting on.

[Kwamina]

Hi Rock Chick,

To answer your question, I believe the answer is yes. It is important to keep in mind that not all people with BPD are the same, there are clearly a lot of similarities also when you read posts on this forum, but there are also differences. Some experts sometimes refer to BPD as a spectrum disorder, depending on how far on the spectrum someone is will also influence the aspects you ask about. Other factors are also involved, it for instance also matters if you are talking to a person with BPD while he/she is in a calm state or when he/she is quite stressed or dysregulated.

Are you wondering about these things for a specific reason? Did something perhaps happen recently that got you thinking?

Like with the last question... .If one of the BPDs kids has to call their mother by the mothers 1st name (lets just say the mothers name is Suzie) in order for the BPD to pay attention and listen. Like the kid can say mom like 7 or 8 time and the mother does not reply but as soon as the kid says Suzie... .Suzie the BPD finally listens pays attention lets the kid talk etc. Suzie gets frustrated /upset and doesnt understand why the kid calls her Suzie when the kid does. Someone tries to explain to Suzie why and that she has to do just a few things and the kid will be to just call her mom instead of Suzie. Like if Suzie will just pay attention when the kid is talking instead of talking over the kid or talking to someone else while kid is talking or watching tv while kid is talking. Idk hard to explain hope ppl get what asking and commenting on.

When I look at this example, one thing that comes to mind is that the BPD individual might be totally caught up in her own thoughts and hearing 'Suzie' might have jolted her out of it. Or perhaps the mother was deliberately ignoring the kid, possibly because she was mad or felt slighted. Hearing the kid call her by her name might have been perceived as yet another slight. Difficult to tell though because this is just an example without any other information, but the main point is that there can be various explanations for this type of behavior.

Have you experienced a situation like this in your own life, perhaps your boyfriend with his BPD mother?

[Rock Chick]

To answer your question, I believe the answer is yes. It is important to keep in mind that not all people with BPD are the same, there are clearly a lot of similarities also when you read posts on this forum, but there are also differences. Some experts sometimes refer to BPD as a spectrum disorder, depending on how far on the spectrum someone is will also influence the aspects you ask about. Other factors are also involved, it for instance also matters if you are talking to a person with BPD while he/she is in a calm state or when he/she is quite stressed or dysregulated. Are you wondering about these things for a specific reason? Did something perhaps happen recently that got you thinking?

Yes I was posting because I was wondering if this is a BPD thing in general or perhaps on one end of the spectrum verses the other end of the spectrum if that makes sense. Like also if it's not BPD can it be something that is co-morbid and if so what does it perhaps sound like? She is def. on the extreme n low functioning end and not the mild n high functioning end of the spectrum. The BPD I speak of is my boyfriends mother and it does not matter if she is in a calm state or a stressed one nor a dysregulated state. This is something that has been on going for a long while and I am trying to figure out why this is where it comes from is it def. BPD or is it something else or some other personality disorder or other thing. I would like to understand and if there is anything my bf, his sister or I can do to help all of us and their mother and to help BPD when she wants to understand like with the example why her daughter uses her name (the mom not the daughter).

When I look at this example, one thing that comes to mind is that the BPD individual might be totally caught up in her own thoughts and hearing 'Suzie' might have jolted her out of it. Or perhaps the mother was deliberately ignoring the kid, possibly because she was mad or felt slighted. Hearing the kid call her by her name might have been perceived as yet another slight. Difficult to tell though because this is just an example without any other information, but the main point is that there can be various explanations for this type of behavior.

I have observed that when her daughter calls her 'Suzie' (not BPD moms real name but using it here) she will finally pay some form of attention and react. As said earlier it does not matter if she is in a calm state, stressed or otherwise she reacts the same way when she hears her daughter speak her name. Her daughter doesn't say 'Suzie' to hurt or offend or upset her mother and she does say mom/mother at 1st and she says several times (through out conversation and at beginning of conversation) but 'Suzie' for some reason or another just doesn't pay attention and listen and show she cares about what her daughter has to say etc. Sorry I know it must seems like I am repeating things here. If you need more info to help me with my questions and comments feel free to ask me anything. And I read that you are saying can be various explanations for the type of behavior I describe in my posts just wondering if you could share some of them. Its just so confusing sometime frustrating etc when things like this happen. Its like for instance with the mom/Suzie thing she says she doesn't get why this is and wants us to explain it and when any of us do it never sticks with her and she just repeats things over and says she doesn't understand and she doesn't like when called by her name ('Suzie'.

[Kwamina]

Making sense of odd behavior can be difficult and frustrating indeed.

Sometimes people dissociate but it's hard to tell if that's what's going on here.

Does your bf's mother usually have any recollection of the 7 or 8 times her daughter first called her 'mom'? Or does she believe the moment her daughter said 'Suzie' was actually the first time she called her?

Would you say that your bf's mother generally ignores her children? Do you feel like she is deliberately not responding when her daughter says 'mom' or does it perhaps seem like she really does not hear her daughter because she's totally caught up in her own thoughts?

Does it only bother her when her kids call her 'Suzie' or does she generally doesn't like it when people call her by that particular name?

[unicorn2014]

I can not answer your question but I can tell you that my uNPD  father called his uBPD mother by her first name however my uBPD ex boyfriend calls his father by his first name and his father is not disordered so I am not sure if that is an indicator or not. 

[Rock Chick]

Making sense of odd behavior can be difficult and frustrating indeed. Sometimes people dissociate but it's hard to tell if that's what's going on here.

It's def. difficult and frustrating indeed. I wanna try and help her when she asks why and to understand things so perhaps she wont repeat and can help her to pay attention so she doesnt have to have her daughter call her 'suzie' just to get her to listen to her daughter and all other stuff said in previous posts.

Does your bf's mother usually have any recollection of the 7 or 8 times her daughter first called her 'mom'? Or does she believe the moment her daughter said 'Suzie' was actually the first time she called her?

If she is listening but not responding I would say yes she has recollection but if she is choosing to not listen and she is going on and on and on and if she is being negative then its debatable if she hears being called mom. She likes to focus on the negative a lot and is very selective with hearing positives. Like she has to have hourly or at minimum daily praise said to her if doesnt then she says in therapy or at home when discussing things that we never have anything positive to compliment her on etc. Even though when she does or says something positive we do give her positive words. But her being positive doing positive speaking positive is more rare than anything else. But she chooses to ignore the good and focus on the bad. Idk if perhaps this is apart of why she only responds most times when her daughter says 'suzie' instead of mom but then the question is why does she ignore the positive and focus on the negative and act way she does toward us? Does she get something out of the negative something more than positive even though she says and behaves like she needs positive and praise everyday? Idk if any this rambling makes sense.

Would you say that your bf's mother generally ignores her children? Do you feel like she is deliberately not responding when her daughter says 'mom' or does it perhaps seem like she really does not hear her daughter because she's totally caught up in her own thoughts?

I say she ignores her kids when she doesnt get something out of it more times than not. From about the time my bf was 12 he was taking care more of his siblings (partly cuz his dad was in service so couldnt be home much) than his mom was but she denies this and says she was an excellent mother a good mother that did what good moms do and that she took him to amusement parks during school times (although what she leaves out most times is this was when he graduated early and had to wait for graduation if that makes sense). I would say I think she is deliberately not responding but how much of the time I cant give an exact percentage but probably more times than not. I dont think its just she is caught up in her own thoughts. Sometimes I think its she likes things to be all about her and when its not she has issues. Its hard to explain what i wanna say to your questions.

Does it only bother her when her kids call her 'Suzie' or does she generally doesn't like it when people call her by that particular name?

I know when ppl call her using both her first and middle name at same time she doesnt like anyone calling her 1st n middle. As for 'Suzie' I call her by 'Suzie' and she doesnt seems to have issues. Once and awhile I think she has issues with 1st name with others. I think its more with her kids esp her daughter that she acts out way she does.  Her daughter tries to say mom all the time she doesnt say 'suzie' to be mean. Its like a last resort ya know.

Just wondering is all this just a BPD thing or is it a sign of another PD or mental issue or is it none of this and its just her. Why doesnt when we help her cause she asks cuz she wants to understand she says why her daughter calls her by 'suzie' and what can be done so doesnt happen again does she continue to not make tweaks so that her daughter doesnt have to call her 'suzie' etc etc. Sorry cant figure how to word.

p.s. sorry for late reply I didnt get a notify to my email inbox about ur reply to post only go one just now for one after yours.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Rock Chick

Perhaps it is best to not rationalize all the strange behaviors we encounter. I have an uBPD mother and before I knew about BPD I would try to reason with her as if I was dealing with someone who in spite of all her strange behaviors, was still rational. I now realize that me reasoning with her was futile and that the likelihood of me getting through to her that way was very small. I tried to find an explanation or justification for her behaviors but now after learning about BPD I realize that a lot of what she does stems from her distorted thinking and perception. Many things my mother says or does don't make sense when I apply a rational filter to it, however after applying a BPD filter to it, in a way it actually does make sense in a BPD kind of way. Perhaps looking at it like this can also help you

Kwamina The Board Parrot

[Rock Chick]

It's just so frustrating cuz its like she asks for help and understanding and says she understands and will make sure to make change cuz she def. doesn't like it when her daughter calls her 'Suzie'. However things just happen again and again and again so I suppose we will just tell her if she keeps persisting that we are sorry we cant help her understand nor help her make the changes and if she asks why I suppose we have to say because we have tried before and it did not help. Because being silent would only cause her to get upset yelling and childish and we really dont want the apartment place to kick them esp my bf out. I also don't like how she treats and speaks to her daughter (she DARVOs her and is verbally mentally emotionally abusive and negative towards her. You should hear how she speaks about her when her daughter isnt there). Her daughter is like a friend/sister to me. I guess sometimes if I could understand why she does this or that and why this or that is and what PDs/Issues is I think I could handle things better. I know it helped me with my sister and her mental and health issues. Thanks for you kind and helpful words.