2 Years NC

[Vatz]

So this July 4th (I know, right?) marked 2 years of No Contact with my BPDex.

Here are some things things.

The relationship was dysfunctional at times. I however added just as much dysfunction to it. I suffered from a bout of depression for a time, and sometimes did not really set proper boundaries. There were plenty of instances where I acted like a horses you-know-what. This contributed to the failure of our relationship. There were times where all I did was sit around and play video games to escape my problems. There were times when she asked for things and I refused because I wanted her to "do it herself" when what she was really asking for wasn't help, but my company. I was an idiot. I am equally responsible in how things went down, I had failed.

I probably would have kept things going if I had the choice. That's right. As bad as things got sometimes, looking back I still wish she and I were together. This isn't entirely rose-tinted glasses (more on that later. maybe) Now whenever I'm alone and bored, I think of the little events and places I want to go to. I found things that I would have loved to take her specifically. Now I can't. Maybe this is bargaining. But yeah, I think if I could do it over again, I would.

Remember how people tell you there's plenty of fish in the sea? Nope. That's a lie, most of those fish are terrible-and the good ones are already caught. Being single, I would rather take her nutty behavior and occasional affairs than have to go out and date. Dating is absolutely horrible, and here where I live the people are just the worst. People set the bar so high, while themselves failing to match their lofty expectations. We all make compromises. But the compromises I seem to have to make NOW look so much worse than the ones I may have had to make back then.

Apparently I'm not entirely hurt by a cheating spouse. What hurt me most during her affairs was she kept talking to them. Fidelity is relatively high on my core values (something I've been asked to examine) but not so high that I won't forgive an indiscretion here and there, so not quite as high as most people I would say. We're all fallible. If I had simply said "be safe, get tested, don't take advantage of this, and don't keep them around after it's done" probably would have prevented a lot of problems. Ideally, I'd have someone who didn't cheat. But I'm not the best looking, I'm not rich, and I'm not the greatest personality. Seems almost unreasonable to expect or demand that my mate never stray. If I had to eat chicken every day, it better damn well be the best chicken ever. I was not that chicken. Make sense? Who am I to expect perfection from someone who was otherwise pretty effing awesome? On the other coin, going out and having my own cake might not be so hard either. There are simply certain realities I had to accept regarding this, and I didn't, but now that I do it's too late anyway.

I've lost weight. I'm still working on it, and I have a clear goal. But I'm finally below 200, and now comes the hard work of getting below my last record before I put it all back on years ago. I'm working a little bit again. Soon enough I'll build a new social circle, I'll look better. Life is slowly improving again. Very very slowly. But I wouldn't be here if I didn't take an honest look at myself.

Every so often, I still have dreams we're together. Most likely, it's because despite it all-I really did want her. She may have been it for me. It's funny because I was likely nothing more than a stepping stone to her journey of healing and self-discovery or whatever. If I were a better man, perhaps she wouldn't have had such an impact on my life. But I'm not. So that's that.

But anyway, it's done. I can't go back, and she wouldn't have me. I will never see or speak to her again. I'm finally looking ahead at a life without her. Possibly without *anyone.* I'm also slowly accepting that I may actually be alone the rest of my life. I don't think anyone ever becomes okay with it, but I'm accepting the possibility.

Two years, and I'm still the same idiot. Just a bit less fat, a little more aware, and maybe more resilient. That's about it.

[schwing]

Hi Vatz,

Remember how people tell you there's plenty of fish in the sea? Nope. That's a lie, most of those fish are terrible-and the good ones are already caught... . :)ating is absolutely horrible, and here where I live the people are just the worst. People set the bar so high, while themselves failing to match their lofty expectations. We all make compromises. But the compromises I seem to have to make NOW look so much worse than the ones I may have had to make back then.

I don't want to contradict your observations about the dating experience (I apologize if I do so) because I don't want to invalidate your experience or feelings.  But I do want to temper your perspective if I may, if I can.  And I hope some of what I write will be helpful to you.

Maybe the places where you are finding your dates are filled with terrible people.  Look elsewhere.  It's also possible that you're projecting the judgement you (may) feel about yourself onto the people you're dating -- I know I did that a lot.  When I was most unhappy with myself, I also tended to see judgement and superficiality in other people -- I think I was wrong about these people I hardly knew.  Why did I do this?  I think I was so afraid of rejection (and intimacy) that I imagined seeing it even where it was not; I preferred dating people who were incapable of intimacy (i.e., pwBPD) because it was a (poor) shield of a sort (and it happened to be familiar).  Again, it's also possible that all the people you're dating are horrible -- I've had my share of bad dates too and can sympathize.

My dating prospects improved when I just focused more on figuring out what kinds of activity I enjoyed doing that *also* allowed me to meet more people who might be available to date.  This may seem less efficient.  After all, if you want to be in a relationship, then the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, right?  But I found that it was only when my personal happiness improved, then my dating prospects improved.  I believe the opposite is true.  When you are unhappy, you repel healthy minded people, or worse, you will attract people who have a stake in your unhappiness.  Who dates to fix people?  People who need fixing themselves.  Fix yourself and you will attract the like minded.

Apparently I'm not entirely hurt by a cheating spouse. Fidelity is relatively high on my core values (something I've been asked to examine) but not so high that I won't forgive an indiscretion here and there, so not quite as high as most people I would say. We're all fallible.

You see, I think you're compromising... .with yourself.  The choice between dating people who are unfaithful versus not dating anyone, is a false choice.  You *can* date people who are faithful.  And you *should* date people who prove to be faithful especially if this is one of your core values.  :)o not sell yourself short.  Fidelity is not an uncommon quality; it depends upon where you look.

Ideally, I'd have someone who didn't cheat. But I'm not the best looking, I'm not rich, and I'm not the greatest personality. Seems almost unreasonable to expect or demand that my mate never stray. If I had to eat chicken every day, it better damn well be the best chicken ever. I was not that chicken. Make sense?

No, that doesn't make sense.  People choose fidelity not because of the quality of the people they choose to date, but because of the kind of person they choose to be.  Some people want variety in life.  And part of that variety might be in the kinds of romantic partners they want in their life.  Some people are looking to date so that they can stop dating once they have found someone to... .what?  :)epends on that person's goals and aspirations.  :)on't date women who will only eat chicken.  And don't look at women as if they are only a brand of breakfast cereal.

Some people will cheat on the pretty, the rich, and the witty regardless.  I don't believe anyone will cheat on what makes them happy (except those who choose unhappiness).  If you don't know what makes you happy, don't expect someone else to know.  If you think the only way to be happy is to be with someone, you're not looking hard enough for your own sake.

I've lost weight... .I have a clear goal. But I'm finally below 200... .Soon enough I'll build a new social circle, I'll look better. Life is slowly improving again. Very very slowly. But I wouldn't be here if I didn't take an honest look at myself.

All of these are good things.  Better health means you have better opportunities. Social circles also improve your chances.  Being honest with yourself might just make you a wee less susceptible to dishonesty. And don't just work on looking better, but also feeling better, happier.  I suggest that when you date, don't date women who demand that you sacrifice any of these things because of their insecurities -- it may be that they are asking you to be unhappy for their own reasons.  Yes it takes time and resources to build/improve a life.  If it did not, what would it be worth?

I can't go back, and she wouldn't have me. I'm finally looking ahead at a life without her. Possibly without *anyone.* I'm also slowly accepting that I may actually be alone the rest of my life. I don't think anyone ever becomes okay with it, but I'm accepting the possibility.

Maybe you'll be alone for the rest of your life.  I don't know anyone that can see the future. I'm pretty sure you can't.  :)on't focus on the being alone part.  Focus on that which enriches your life.  The rest will follow.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[eeks]

Hi Vatz,

Remember how people tell you there's plenty of fish in the sea? Nope. That's a lie, most of those fish are terrible-and the good ones are already caught... . :)ating is absolutely horrible, and here where I live the people are just the worst. People set the bar so high, while themselves failing to match their lofty expectations. We all make compromises. But the compromises I seem to have to make NOW look so much worse than the ones I may have had to make back then.

I don't want to contradict your observations about the dating experience (I apologize if I do so) because I don't want to invalidate your experience or feelings.  But I do want to temper your perspective if I may, if I can.  And I hope some of what I write will be helpful to you.

Maybe the places where you are finding your dates are filled with terrible people.  Look elsewhere.  It's also possible that you're projecting the judgement you (may) feel about yourself onto the people you're dating -- I know I did that a lot.  When I was most unhappy with myself, I also tended to see judgement and superficiality in other people -- I think I was wrong about these people I hardly knew.  Why did I do this?  I think I was so afraid of rejection (and intimacy) that I imagined seeing it even where it was not; I preferred dating people who were incapable of intimacy (i.e., pwBPD) because it was a (poor) shield of a sort (and it happened to be familiar).  Again, it's also possible that all the people you're dating are horrible -- I've had my share of bad dates too and can sympathize.

Hi Vatz,

My response to this is similar to what schwing said, and I also do not want to contradict or invalidate your experience. 

I remember your story because you talked about your experience with your parents and some horrible bullying at school, and my childhood was less severe but I relate to some of your experience. 

I think what happened is that you had these deep experiences of rejection, and the emotions were unbearable.  Children have limited ability to regulate their own emotions, and need adults to help them until they can internalize the adults' regulation and do it for themselves.  I believe that when it comes to trauma, pretty much everyone, adults and children alike, requires an attuned other to stay present and connected while they rage, grieve, etc.  If another person does not recognize and acknowledge an emotion in us, it's very difficult for us to acknowledge it in ourselves.

And so, in the face of these unbearable emotions, you did the best you could to develop your own self-protective method.  These, in my observation, amount to walling a part of oneself (emotions, desires, traits) off from oneself, where one cannot be aware of it and experience it.  The loss of some part of one's full "panorama" of being.

One of the keystones of your protective method in interpersonal situations is a belief something like "I am not as high quality as other people".  A kind of harsh, unforgiving, competitive system based on scarcity and lost opportunities.

I have some similar beliefs, and when I really look deeply into it I find that I do not believe those things.  They are a shield to prevent me from doing things that got me so hurt in the past.

Your current beliefs cause you pain, whether you are willing to acknowledge that or not.  However, in your mind, they are there to protect you from even worse pain, and so you cling to them fiercely.  I think you may find it ultimately healing (although difficult) to try in little ways to start facing the pain and grief of those childhood events.  You don't need to relive the past or talk about it extensively, just notice what emotions you feel.  For now, try to avoid zooming right off into the narrative of "there are not a lot of fish in the sea", "I am not so good as to earn a non-cheating partner" and stay with the direct emotions and sensations in the body.  I suspect you will find this challenging, because I suspect you tend to intellectualize feelings, like me.  But you don't need to do it all at once, and you can get help and support from others. 

It would be good for you to start noticing when the "I am not good enough, and science says so" arguments start coming up in you.  I have noticed that for me it happens when I experience good things, opportunities for connection with others who actually like me the way I am.  Why?  Well, I think that this happens because, if I let them into my heart, that would immediately trigger intense emotions, rage and grief, from my rejections and humiliations from the past, the ways I was discredited, not listened to or controlled.  So I'm on the same path that I'm suggesting to you.

eeks

[Vatz]

I dunno. Most days it just feels like that was it for me. You know? That this really was as good as I could do, that my other options are either people that just don't do it for me but are normal. Or people that do, but hurt me. Sort like, you can afford one, but not both.

Even now I don't want to insult her by saying this. Like I should have been more grateful, and maybe I should have. Maybe things would be okay (though not ideal.)

Lately life has just been looking more and more grim every day.

Eeks, I really do believe that life is competition. It is. Ever watch nature documentaries? I loved those as a kid. But when I watched the stuff about how animals competed for mates, even as a child I felt like I would be one of those left out. Always bugged me. My observations haven't done much to say otherwise (both my belief and self-assesment.)

Folks can talk about "enriching my life" til they're blue in the face. But my natural instict, drives and desires can't be met. How else am I supposed to feel if not upset, depressed and worthless. Not every case of "low self esteem" is warped perception. Its a disparity between what one wants, and what resources they need attain those things.  

Maybe I'm still angry. I hit the bottle a little, otherwise I wouldn't have posted. Sober me really hates bothering people with how I think and feel.

Honestly, the biggest difference in the last two years is that I have more self-loathing and less hope. That most of the doors have closed. That even if I reach my goals, it won't matter. Ill be alone, bitter, and feeling guilty for feeling bitter because im apparently not supposed to be motivated by a desire for intimacy with someone I find pleasing.