My view of my ex (Child age 2-6)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Like I child, she just know she wants. But like a kid, never gave back.
Like a child, tried to be good.  But like a self-absorbed child, did it again and again and again.  When she got in trouble the first time, this child didn't learn b/c respect,  sharing, and learning from experiences, etc. are part of a developmental process that should not be expected to have developed in a pwBPD. That's what the expert say.

If she was a child, I wouldn't have taken her behavior personally.  It's hard b/c when I looked in her face, I see an adult not a child.  It is almost troubling for me to think of her emotions as immature as that of a child, given the fact that we were physically intimate. 

Did she even know what she was doing? Did she want to? Does she know what it means? Or was is just another person touching a child who lacks the mental capacity to know when to say no, and is just doing it b/c that's what adults do, and it feel good too. 

Children don't know what it takes to keep a healthy r/s with their parents, or adult in their family.  They just know who to go to when they need something.  That's what  her behavior seem like to me.  If mom (current partner) doesn't give to me, then i'll ask dad (replacement.)  If dad doesn't give it to me (other victim), then i'll ask grandma (next playee), if not grandma then uncle Robert (and so on).  But first, I will behave in such manner, it will make it hard for them to say no.

Mom: Didn't me and your father say no?
Child: gazes and sulks, might feel shame or confused.
Mom: and what did I tell you about talking to strangers?
Child: Just refreshed about what was said about talking to strangers, lost, does
         not know what to feel or say.
Mom: Frustrated from the lack of respect and acknowledgement from this child.
Child: Short attention span, so distracted by tv commercial.  Looks away.
Mom: I'm talking to you!
Child: Starts to panic... .only thought in mind... ."I didn't do anything."
Mom: You're on punishment.  Go to your room and don't come out until I say so.
Childs: Goes in room and falls asleep. (silent treatment)
Mom: Feels guilty about what just happens, but knows she meant well.
When the child wakes up, walks out of the room as if nothing happen. (when they act as if you didn't just have a disagreement). Act as if forgot the whole unpleasant even.
Mom: Hey baby (soft tone). Did you sleep well?
Child: Going to try to win mom back.  Rubs eyes and walks over to mom. (cute)
Mom: Hugs and kisses. Child is rewarded for bad behavior. The (re)cycle
         continues.  The child never learns.

When I put it in those words, does it seem like conscious manipulation?

[FallBack!Monster]

Like I child, she just know she wants. But like a kid, never gave back.
Like a child, tried to be good.  But like a self-absorbed child, did it again and again and again.  When she got in trouble the first time, this child didn't learn b/c respect,  sharing, and learning from experiences, etc. are part of a developmental process that should not be expected to have developed in a pwBPD. That's what the expert say.

If she was a child, I wouldn't have taken her behavior personally.  It's hard b/c when I looked in her face, I see an adult not a child.  It is almost troubling for me to think of her emotions as immature as that of a child, given the fact that we were physically intimate. 

Did she even know what she was doing? Did she want to? Does she know what it means? Or was is just another person touching a child who lacks the mental capacity to know when to say no, and is just doing it b/c that's what adults do, and it feel good too. 

Children don't know what it takes to keep a healthy r/s with their parents, or adult in their family.  They just know who to go to when they need something.  That's what  her behavior seem like to me.  If mom (current partner) doesn't give to me, then i'll ask dad (replacement.)  If dad doesn't give it to me (other victim), then i'll ask grandma (next playee), if not grandma then uncle Robert (and so on).  But first, I will behave in such manner, it will make it hard for them to say no.

Mom: Didn't me and your father say no?
Child: gazes and sulks, might feel shame or confused.
Mom: and what did I tell you about talking to strangers?
Child: Just refreshed about what was said about talking to strangers, lost, does
         not know what to feel or say.
Mom: Frustrated from the lack of respect and acknowledgement from this child.
Child: Short attention span, so distracted by tv commercial.  Looks away.
Mom: I'm talking to you!
Child: Starts to panic... .only thought in mind... ."I didn't do anything."
Mom: You're on punishment.  Go to your room and don't come out until I say so.
Childs: Goes in room and falls asleep. (silent treatment)
Mom: Feels guilty about what just happens, but knows she meant well.
When the child wakes up, walks out of the room as if nothing happen. (when they act as if you didn't just have a disagreement). Act as if forgot the whole unpleasant even.
Mom: Hey baby (soft tone). Did you sleep well?
Child: Going to try to win mom back.  Rubs eyes and walks over to mom. (cute)
Mom: Hugs and kisses. Child is rewarded for bad behavior. The (re)cycle
         continues.  The child never learns.

When I put it in those words, does it seem like conscious manipulation?

[gotbushels]

Hi FallBack!Monster 

It was hard for me too to believe that an adult behaved the way my ex did. If she was a child it would have explained a lot more things and would have made it easier to feel pity for her instead of being angry at her. I'm here with you on this. It's really hard dealing with child-like behaviour when we have a relationship with someone that looks like an adult. Especially intimate relationships. Some BPs never got to grow up so it doesn't look like conscious manipulation you put it in a scenario like that.

[badenergytroll]

Now that I've read this, I think of my ex as a poor, very young child stuck in a (very attractive) woman's body.

The insane part (for me, of course), is the charisma, communication, intelligence, it's all there, but the emotional level, obviously not

[FallBack!Monster]

Attractive indeed.

My intent in writing this is to express my understanding of some of their behavior patterns. Not alll, some. Also, to help myself, and maybe  others,  get   better grasp on what is meant by don't take it personal.   

[HoneyB33]

Yes, "don't take it personally." Funny enough, when I was going through all this with my ex, I was so lost that I finally talked to my mom on an errand we were doing. My mother who has BPD clearly looked annoyed at me needing anything, but was trying to be "nice" told me to not take it personally. That of course was after her telling me that if my ex cheated on me, I just needed to decide if I could deal with that or not. Lovely. But her saying that really stuck out to me. I think more so because it was the only thing she's ever said to me that was valuable. Literally.

But I feel ya Fallback!Monster. By ex was very childish. It's the kind of thing where it's so hard to explain until you're out of it, and know about BPD.

I was just thinking this morning about how much it hurt when she just got rid of all of my stuff. It was so painful. It was painful because of how much she didn't care at all. I think some part of her was trying to get my attention, and wanted to know if I was "coming back". Something she asked people who knew me. But yeah, it was like she was completely oblivious. She was just running around trying to get whatever reaction (w/out explanation) she could get. She contacted me a few times literally to just ask for something of mine. Like a kid asking if they can play with one of my toys, and can't understand why such and such is so angry.

That total lack of indifference has been the hardest for me, and it's taken me a long while to learn to not take it personally. And esp in the example that you showed, what she wants is for me to show up, be completely over everything, and jump back into it with her. Otherwise, it's like I never existed. Very hard to not take all of that personally.

[FallBack!Monster]

Very hard to not take all of that personally.

Exactly the point I was trying to make. it was very hard for me not to take it personally.  That's why I needed to keep reading, learning, pairing, and comparing situations; other peoples experiences, what the experts have to say, etc.  In general, I knew they had to have been more to understand, other than my perceptions of it. Otherwise i would be more of an emotional mess right now.

The cheating part is going to stay with me for a bit longer.  At least until I no longer remember her.  When ever it pops up in my mind, I shake it off.  But it comes back now and then.  About the rest; lying, ignoring, MIA, etc, it seem so trivial now that I was even upset by it. This forum's info really helps.

[HoneyB33]

Yeah, I totally get that FallBack!Monster  I didn't know my ex had BPD for two years, so I spent alllllll that time trying to make sense of things, and being so lost. I couldn't understand the discard of me--I thought I was a partner that a lot of people would be happy to be with? I thought I had done everything to help her? I thought I was a generally good and loving person?... .It totally trashed my entire self-worth, and I couldn't go forward. People kept telling me to just get over it, but there was literally no way for me to move forward without getting myself back. Learning about BPD has helped me finally find answers, and to realize that in fact I was all of those things all along. You desperately need the info to not take it personally--because they make it personal!

[FallBack!Monster]

that in fact I was all of those things all along.

What do you mean by the above?

You desperately need the info to not take it personally--because they make it personal

It all depends on how you take it.  That, I learned way before I dated my ex.

[HoneyB33]

that in fact I was all of those things all along.

What do you mean by the above?

You desperately need the info to not take it personally--because they make it personal

It all depends on how you take it.  That, I learned way before I dated my ex.

What I mean is that I was in fact the very things I knew I was, but without understanding the situation, I just couldn't see how I was cast so horribly, and yet I was the opposite. So somewhere in me I wondered at why someone would say that, esp when she believed it. And more importantly, if I was some horrible abuser, then I sure did want to face it and deal with it. I was basically caught in-between trying to understand if I was a good partner, or a horrible one. It's kind of hard to move, because you're just constantly stuck at the fork.

Yeah, well I really didn't take my ex's behavior to heart in the relationship, but with the discard, I was "overwhelmed with cruelty". Again it was, "Why would she be saying these things if they weren't true?" And without BPD, you can't really understand how someone can so believe these things, and they aren't true. All kinds of people lie. But there is a difference, a distorted difference, with people who believe their lies.