My feelings and FOO...what to do...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I feel pretty good about my process on this journey in recovering from having BPD in my life 10 out of the last 14 years.  But I'm having a problem negotiating my family.   First off my mom and I have always had a tenuous relationship.  To her, nothing I ever did was good enough, and she failed to give me the love, affection, and validation I needed. I even remember times in my childhood I hated my mother.  I can tolerate her... .and out of respect for my father and the fact she is my mom I want to take care of her to the best of my/our abilities.
My father passed away last year from leukemia and through that process, I've learned like the façade of pwBPD, my family is much the same.  With his passing, the glue that held that façade together is gone, and I see my individual family members in a light I do not want to see.  Two sisters 11 and 13 years my elder... .are my mom.  Selfish, invalidating, and downright incapable of dealing with my mom and her needed care at this juncture.  They are in denial about her dementia,  and are allowing the responsibility of daily checking on and dealing with mom on to fall on neighbors and family friends.  The main neighbor even telling all of us she was worried about my mom and we needed to do something.  Again, sisters heads in the sand and we've discussed things, and just like mom, no validation for my point of view.   She's fine etc.  And now, little communication as they don't even want my point of view or input.
I've been through my issues in therapy about my childhood, the role both my mom and dad played on how things happened and affected me.  I learned I really do not like my mom... .she's only in my life because she is my mother.
Now I am faced with the real feelings that after my mother passes, I don't really know if I want my sisters in my life.  I do not like who I see.  This would be crippling news for my dad to hear, but that's what I feel.  The façade of what I knew as a family has seemingly passed with my dad.
I feel I've separated these feelings pretty well from my whole process in dealing with my recovery from my pwBPD and those feelings. Having to deal with all this simultaneously I'd just like to hear if anyone else has had some of these same issues at the same time?  Or if anyone has any input on dealing with such feelings while at the same time negotiating my journey to loving me again.

[drained1996]

I feel pretty good about my process on this journey in recovering from having BPD in my life 10 out of the last 14 years.  But I'm having a problem negotiating my family.   First off my mom and I have always had a tenuous relationship.  To her, nothing I ever did was good enough, and she failed to give me the love, affection, and validation I needed. I even remember times in my childhood I hated my mother.  I can tolerate her... .and out of respect for my father and the fact she is my mom I want to take care of her to the best of my/our abilities.
My father passed away last year from leukemia and through that process, I've learned like the façade of pwBPD, my family is much the same.  With his passing, the glue that held that façade together is gone, and I see my individual family members in a light I do not want to see.  Two sisters 11 and 13 years my elder... .are my mom.  Selfish, invalidating, and downright incapable of dealing with my mom and her needed care at this juncture.  They are in denial about her dementia,  and are allowing the responsibility of daily checking on and dealing with mom on to fall on neighbors and family friends.  The main neighbor even telling all of us she was worried about my mom and we needed to do something.  Again, sisters heads in the sand and we've discussed things, and just like mom, no validation for my point of view.   She's fine etc.  And now, little communication as they don't even want my point of view or input.
I've been through my issues in therapy about my childhood, the role both my mom and dad played on how things happened and affected me.  I learned I really do not like my mom... .she's only in my life because she is my mother.
Now I am faced with the real feelings that after my mother passes, I don't really know if I want my sisters in my life.  I do not like who I see.  This would be crippling news for my dad to hear, but that's what I feel.  The façade of what I knew as a family has seemingly passed with my dad.
I feel I've separated these feelings pretty well from my whole process in dealing with my recovery from my pwBPD and those feelings. Having to deal with all this simultaneously I'd just like to hear if anyone else has had some of these same issues at the same time?  Or if anyone has any input on dealing with such feelings while at the same time negotiating my journey to loving me again.

[thisagain]

Hi Drained,

I'm sorry about your father's passing and the difficulties with your mom 

It sounds like you feel obligated to maintain a relationship and take care of your mom, and it's frustrating for you that your sisters don't feel the same obligation. I recently had a toxic family member pass away and there is still a lot of tension and resentment over who was responsible for her care. The role reversal, where the children now have to care for the parents, can dig up a lot of old feelings.

Other than your memory of your dad, is there anything else keeping you connected to your sisters?  Sometimes these situations can be managed by managing your own expectations of how they will behave, and radically accepting that they are the way they are and can't be the kind of family you want (or thought you had). Not unlike our BPD relationships in that radical acceptance is key. But sometimes, boundaries and self-protection require distancing yourself from the toxic relationship, whether that's romantic or family. And that would be a completely valid choice for you to make.

Given that you're posting about this here, are you sure all of this is separated from your recovery from pwBPD? It's tough to grow up feeling unloved, and can land us in unhealthy relationships because the "love bombing" feels like what we've always been missing... .A lot of the values and boundaries that you've learned through your BPD relationship could be helpful in this situation as well.

[drained1996]

Thanks for your thoughts thisagain,

I have done Radical Acceptance with my sisters... .I know who they are now.  I will say they pretend to want to help and even act like they are helping my mother, they are just in denial and very selfish, and since my older sister is her appointed "caretaker", I'm in the backseat watching the train derail with no voice.  Other than what my father would WISH... .no, I have no real connection with my sisters.  
And yes, even though I know the emotions have to blend over in some way to affect me, I do have a pretty good separation on what my issues are dealing with my exBPD stuff, and my family.  
BTW, I did set some boundaries with my older sister about getting help for my mother... .and she has lied saying there would be help and there is none... .and manipulated after with excuses... .
I think I'm simply surrounded by PD.

Having it all together... .just really sucks.  

[thisagain]

Families are tough... .it's a lot easier to just go NC with an ex than a parent or sibling. I admire your dedication to take care of your mom even though you have a difficult relationship. What have you been doing to take care of yourself?

[joeramabeme]

Having to deal with all this simultaneously I'd just like to hear if anyone else has had some of these same issues at the same time?  Or if anyone has any input on dealing with such feelings while at the same time negotiating my journey to loving me again.

Hi drained1996 - Yes, I have experience dealing with all this at the same time. (apologies in advance for a long post - I think/hope it addresses your question)

Just to give a little background.  My Mother passed away December '15.  Her passing and my divorce date coincided during the same week.  My agenda ended up being divorce court Thursday and funeral Friday.  I have 5 siblings.  Without getting in to too much detail about all the family dynamics, none of us have a relationship with any of the others in spite of all of us living within 30 miles of each other.  This is definitely related to Mothers PD and some of the sibs have PD themselves. Despite all the crazy events that happened through the years, the siblings managed to put the past in the past for the funeral services out of respect for my Mother.  

To my surprise and elation, my then ex attended the Friday funeral services and the luncheon afterwards.  No one there knew we had just divorced and I had no intention of saying anything but she let the word out - may have been part of the reason she wanted to go; say goodbye and all.  So that should give you a sense that I can understand what you are saying and where you are at.

My Mothers passing was not shocking but somewhat unexpected.  :)uring the years preceding the family was at deep odds about what to do, I heard about most of the rancor secondhand from my Mother.  In the past, I had felt a deep inner responsibility to take care of my Mother even though she was very self-abusive.  As time went by and family relationships became ever strained I learned the hard way that I had to step away.  When I say "hard way" I mean that my own mental health was being severely diminished by involving myself with being her care taker.  On top of that, my Sister (who imo has PD) was trying to place all her anxiety on everyone else.  The whole picture was a chaotic drama-filled zoo.

As thisagain mentioned, I needed to create a healthy distance.  What I found for myself is that I first had to completely break away from my Mom, sever contact.  There was no middle of the road solution because her dynamics always conspired to pull me into playing push/pull games and ever wanting me to join her in the internal anguish she felt.  That fact in tandem with my internal sense of being that I was designed to handle just this, like an ER doctor is wired to handle crisis, made it really hard.  Creating that distance for me took a year of very limited contact and on my terms with strict rules that made me in essence parent my parent.

Once I was able to create and MAINTAIN this emotional distance, I started to reconnect in what I thought were healthier ways that were more mother/son rather than son/child.  Things like; taking her out to eat once a month, calling to check in more frequently, not permitting gossip of our siblings to be discussed, telling her that she was responsible for taking the doctors advice etc.  None of this was easy.

This leads into your question about your Sisters.  After the funeral the PD sister has connected with me a few times.  I have been, and honestly still am, hesitant and cautious to get together - but decided to do so on a very limited basis - in the same way that I did with my Mom.  

Since December I have spoke with her about 6 times and gotten together twice.  When we get together I am always aware of the fact that even though she is a loving and caring person, she is not capable of having a complete emotional connection and is always trying to pull me into her emotional turmoil.  Therefore, when she asks me about by ex, I give little detail and keep it all high level.  Likewise when she asks about the details of my life.  Yes I share details, but not the deep emotional pains that I feel from having lost the best person to have ever entered my life etc.

I hope that some of what I am saying is providing a sketch of how it is possible to work with your family.  There are no cookie cutter answers but there are certain measures that I believe should absolutely be followed.  The number one thing, IMO, is to; define, understand and keep firm with your boundaries.  This takes a lot of soul searching and effort.  And of course someone with a PD will see you putting them in place and go right after them.  This is where your voice is needed.  

I think the most important and painful part that gets hidden inside all this dialogue, at least for me, is that I really wanted to have a relationship with my family or said another way, I wanted to have a family.  This lack of family has been the source of many unhealthy relationship decisions and has been an awakening from my marriage.  That said, I am happy to have at least something in place now with my Sister.  It is nothing like what I would hope for but it is the best it can be and that is my Radical Acceptance; I do not have to completely forsake everything, but have to be willing to accept a much limited rendition of what I would have liked it to have been.

Lastly, go with your heart but don't let your heart run the show.  In other words, if you want a relationship with your sisters than try to make it happen - in a way that incorporates your new understanding.  Or if conversely your heart does not want that, do not feel obliged to do it because it is the "right thing to do".  If you stay true to your inner voice you will find that your path isn't as dark as it may feel at the moment because you wont give away your self in the process.

I hope that this was helpful in some way.  Feel free to keep the chat going if you like or PM.

Best wishes - J

[drained1996]

thisagain,

I appreciate your comments.  Yes, there is difficulty for me in my future about my relationship with my sisters, but being as we are so far apart in age, it's not like they really have been in my life on a daily basis when I can remember.  Yes... .we've appeared and pretended to be a tight family, but I have seen, and even more clearly now that was just a painted picture. 
It would actually be a much easier task to let them go than making the choice of leaving my BPD and her kids... .even though I know she is mentally ill... .she is a good person when the darkness is not upon her.  That was and is still a tough decision... .I know I will never put myself in that place again though.

I've been taking care of myself one step at a time.  Seeing my therapist regularly for the last 1.5 years about every 4-5 weeks, focusing more on work, working out, acknowledging my part in the whole process not only with my BPD, but my family.  It does get confusing at times, I do self medicate with a little too much wine at times.  I have accepted me... .and I'm working to make me a more healthy person. 


joe,

I cannot relate enough to your journey, though mine is different... .much less toxic.  It does open my eyes to the fact that if you've navigated your way through all of that, my journey can continue with some semblance of family if I desire... .or come to the conclusion that it will be of equal benefit for all involved. Though at this time... .I think not.
I am pretty sure my mother has always suffered from some PD, and my dad did a noble job of regulating what he could... .I'm no shrink... .but I have had two other BPD's in my life.  I'm pretty sure my sisters are not PD sufferers they simply have learned some bad traits from having been raised by my mother.  My sisters are usually kind, accepting, loving people... .until... .they are faced with adversity, or something that interrupts what they want to do.  I'm sure a lot about the outcome will be based on how the handling of my mother is done.  Right now, I view them as selfish people unable to accept the reality of the situation, and willing to allow our burden to be placed on others, which is not how we were raised.  Thing is, I know they are scared of confronting my mother... .a family issue all my life that also included my dad... .I'm the only one, which made me the blacksheep.  You seem to be a leader, and so am I by nature... .but my sisters will not allow that yet... .though in my fathers care, I was the one, so for now, I'll take the backseat... .until I feel it necessary to get DSS and or an attorney involved... .which is not so far away. 
Thank you so much for sharing.  I will ask... .what issues did you face on trying to separate the two dynamic emotional issues you were facing at the same time?  Anything you may think of in your processing of all that would be appreciated! 

[joeramabeme]

I will ask... .what issues did you face on trying to separate the two dynamic emotional issues you were facing at the same time?  Anything you may think of in your processing of all that would be appreciated! 

Interesting question and I would say, based on my experiences, that your question may need some reflection.  Specifically, why do you think the dynamics are separate of one another?  In my experience, they were identical.  The circumstances were very different and my ex far healthier than anything my FOO could muster with 10 years of therapy.  But the dynamics are identical.

A little background is in order.  About 5 years into our marriage, my exuBPDw pushed me into trauma therapy and EMDR.  The therapy was immensely helpful and many many problems and emotional hangups began to clear as the result and I kept working it with the T.  Many of the problems I resolved were centered around my core trauma - which occurred with my Mother.  So, the issues I had were things like - female bosses - which really triggered me and FOO care taking stuff.

At some point during my recovery, I began to see that the issues I were resolving in my life were very similar in scope to the issues I was facing in my marriage.  I wondered about 4 years ago if all the work I was doing to resolve these issues would result in the ending of my marriage.  After all, if the core trauma was maternal abuse, and I was healing from that by taking back my personal sense of Agency/Autonomy; wouldn't this be happening in my marriage too? 

Sure enough it did.  As I began to step up and live to what I learned about myself and healed from, it was having the unintended consequence of demising my marriage.  My ex simply could not see that - even as she applauded and encouraged my personal growth. 

My guess is that if you were to write out the "dynamics" of your romantic relationship and the "dynamics" of your FOO relationships, there would be much overlap.  When I say dynamics I mean the overview of your feelings and reactions to events.

Have you read the book "Stop Care Taking the Borderline"?  I found this book to be tremendously instructive and insightful to my own personal needs and growth.  It talks a lot about FOO and our roles in the events that have historically happened and how to live a much healthier emotional life style.

What do you think?  Can you see where your FOO dynamics were repeated with your ex?

JRB

[drained1996]

Joe,

Thanks for your insight and sharing.  It's so helpful to see another's point of view in a dual dynamic issue.  It does seem our scripts were flipped a bit though, my exBPD was and is far worse than my FOO.  I have been through my FOO with my T, and have a pretty good handle on how it affected me in my relationship with my pwBPD... .and it certainly did... .and learning all of that and accepting my issues and how they affected not only my r/s with my BPD but also my family is very eye opening to my own personal self.  I do see the dynamics have certainly been overlapping, I guess my issue with the family now is really the breakdown I could not foresee.  I could not see a breakdown where my sisters would simply bury their heads in the sand and deny my mothers issues, much less put the burden of checking in on my mother on those who should not carry that load.  I've meditated on both issues, and while there is overlap, the anger I feel towards my sisters at this point is new and completely separated from the previous mingling of FOO and my pwBPD.  It's not quite the same road you traveled, I'm guessing the road you traveled helped you out of the FOG not only with your BPD, but your family as well... .would that be correct?  I am out of the FOG with my BPD, and had radically accepted and understood my FOO... .until I was faced with this issue... .really a neglect of my mother by my sisters and COMPLETE shunning of me by my then in the process. 
I'm going to read your suggestion as I'm sure I will find it helpful.  I whole heartedly appreciate your input and you're willingness to share your own personal experiences.