Shouldn't I feel anger?

[LilMe]

I feel like I am stuck. I think I need to get angry.  When people are mean or treat me badly or unfairly, I feel sad for them.  I can see how this behavior contributes to many of my life challenges.  When I should be angry and fighting back I instead pull back and feel sorry for them.  I am not sure how to overcome this and have healthy anger.

[half-life]

I am with you. With my ex, when I made a mistake, she was angry at me. When she made a mistake, she was also angry at me. I am very mild tempered and I should not be like this all the time.

[Lilyroze]

  Lilme,

I think many of us in this situation are empaths or tend to have an abundance of compassion. We maybe look to forgive or forget fast, and that can be very healthy and good. If you look to the good in life, try to find the joy and gratitude it helps with enjoying the path you are on. All that is great in healthy relationships, with people who do the same back, or have empathy and respect back.

If that becomes unbalanced, you become more of a care-taker, scape goat, or are abused. The reasons could be many co dependency, FOG, or just plain abuse again. Which I know you have faced, along with power plays and hurt.

Sometimes if in FOG, feeling guilty or gaslighted instead of just compassion it becomes denial. We deny it is happening, as better then dealing with it. How we let it happen.

We tend to be fixers so if we think something is our fault, we must then fix it. Feeling then we can't complain if it is our problem.

That as you know isn't healthy, and takes awhile for some to face or see it for what it is. Their problem not ours, but our problem to face and get out of. We have to remember if BPD or NPD or worse we didn't cause, can't control it, nor can fix it. At same time we can't take it.

It seems getting angry at one point is good and healthy as long as we look to solve the problem, and  resolve it. If can't be, remove ourselves from it.

The main difference between whether people end up feeling hopeless or angry seems to come down to whether they end up blaming themselves for what is happening, or their abusers, and also to a lesser extent on how much control they feel they have over their situations. People can become angry regardless of whether they feel they have control or not, but it is easier and safer to feel angry when people feel that they have a little control versus when they feel they have no control.

Being able to feel angry about being abused is, in general, a good thing. Anger has the capability of acting as a motivating force. Anger's ability to motivate is never stronger than situations in which people feel they have been put down unjustly and that they have a right to take action to correct their situation.

It is also a stage in the grief process that helps us face and move on.

So here is another step in the evolution of understanding what it is to be a victim. When you identify yourself as an undeserved victim, you may start to feel angry about your situation, and that anger can become (and often does become) the  fuel you need to get yourself out of a terrible abuse situation. Here is a case where seeing yourself as a victim can have a positive outcome.

Anger as means to get out. If handled properly it can spur you to face, get out of the situation and move forward. If not handled properly you can remain stuck there and become a victim for the rest of your life, blaming when in reality you should face and get out. Face the part of what made you accept it, learn from it, grow and move on and away from that behavior someone is giving.

Unhealthy anger could spur the person abused to keep inside to either want revenge or worse then become and abuser later in life to children, another spouse, family etc.

So yes do believe anger is good process in the healthy sense as long as don't stay at that stage forever.

Facing it, going through the stages, getting rid of denial and moving forward. So once the anger is passed. Life can become beautiful again. With forgiveness which doesn't have to be to the abuser or person who did you wrong ( can be in letters not sent, or to God or your higher power). Just remember forgiveness includes yourself for abandoning yourself or taking it.

Healthy empathy or compassion must include self love, self respect, self compassion and care as well. We who care-take tend to forget that part or put ourselves last. I have had to remember not to do that so that I can be less stressed and have my health and energy to do what I need to and want to in life.

Hugs to you  . Hope this might have helped in some way. Use what you can, throw out the rest and be blessed.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey LM-

I am not sure how to overcome this and have healthy anger.

Lily has given you good info, and I'll add with you "have healthy anger" when you're feeling angry and you express it.  But first, that involves feeling, getting in touch with your feelings, and many of us abandoned ourselves in our relationships, so our emotions are temporarily unavailable to us.  Can you slow down and just feel?  Do you know that you're feeling right now, can you name it?

When I should be angry and fighting back I instead pull back and feel sorry for them.

What would it mean if you did get angry and fight back?

[zonnebloem]

 

Hey from heeltoheal,

I write yoy because I see you're online.
Today I got home and found a box with my belongings and a red rose on top of it.
Should I feel angry?
I am sad.
Does "he" not remember I have his key? Doesn't he care for his belongings in my house.
I am angry with this maddness, yes. that he didn't stand up for me when he had to and correct his kids. Obvious he loves me.

Wanted to share this.

[fromheeltoheal]

Should I feel angry?
I am sad.

You should feel how you feel; if you are sad, be sad.  It's important to feel what you're really feeling, not what you think you should feel.

[zonnebloem]

 

True... it "sucks"... .

I hope to get some sleep now. Past midnight here in Belgium!

I've not sent a "thank you" message to "him". Sent nothing.
True ... .I was hoping it would have been a nice present from his holiday in Ireland and not a box with my clothes

All so weird.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was hoping it would have been a nice present from his holiday in Ireland and not a box with my clothes

Although getting some of your belongings returned to you is a step closer to detachment yes?  What's the goal again?

[zonnebloem]

 

Thanks for the support I get from you and the others in this community.

The goal is... .detachment.

Is was confusing to find the box with my belongings (mixed with clothes from other members of his family... .who sometimes stay in the house) and a red rose.

I rang him the next morning and he gave me a "not so claer answer".
One part in him was desperate to see me, it has been one month now and that "last day" we had a nice day biking at the coast. The other part wanted, indeed, return my belongings.
He has forgotten that I have the key of his house.
He wanted to spend the evening with me (he drove 100 km one way not telling me about it) and I was out with a friend. That friend, she asked me to go see a new pub and we had a short look inside.
Well... .from what my ex BPD says, he didn't find me home and he went to the same pub!
From all places in my city he went to the same pub as the one me and that friend (girl) went to, about an hour later, when he had left. From what he says he was afraid to meet me in town with another man and he very much wanted to know if I am with someone.
Him and me have never gone to that pub, it is new.

THERE MUST BE A CONNECTION between him/me.

On the Phone, he says he realises how much I am hurt by his behaviour and that of his family.
I felt emotional that he could admit it.
We both said that we do not make each other happy.
He says that he wants to change the way he relates with his daughters. This is the first time since I know him that he says so! Before he'd Always say that anyone who criticises that, is jealous about "the good bound he has with his daughters."

I know you told me NOT to ring him, not to get in touch... .but that is too much asked from me.
I think that would be very selfish.It did give him some comfort to have me on the Phone.
We both went to church yesterday (he in his town and I in mine)
Later at night he texted me to be glad to've been to the church.
I texted that he'll need help to change his attitude towards his family and he texted that he wants to go get help. We know 3 therapists that know us and he says he'll contact someone.
THAT is up to him now.

In my church, the churchleader said he'll stop trying to change me and that I need no worries since God is working through me.This is a compliment that I never expected to get, a few weeks ago he more or less told me to leave the church... .his priest-wife is the reason I kept going back because I feel that she supports me and she is a lovely helpfull lady.

I will go see them twice a week and feel their support.
Yesterday is the first time that I could tell (very briefly) them my story and that I got some answers.
Of course the "seks without marriage" is the big sin... .
I must admit that it hasn't brought me much happiness but... .very Lucky NOT to be married my BPD.

My family is about none-excistend to me and yes, I do have some friends and my volunteeringwork (now we have holiday) to turn to... .and my prayers.

Thanks for sharing.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi zonne-

The goal is... .detachment.

OK, that's why we're here.

I rang him the next morning and he gave me a "not so claer answer".
One part in him was desperate to see me, it has been one month now and that "last day" we had a nice day biking at the coast. The other part wanted, indeed, return my belongings.

The end of relationships are confusing and hard, especially with someone with a personality disorder, who is going to be inconsistent.  Have you read this zonne? Surviving a breakup

THERE MUST BE A CONNECTION between him/me.

There is, an attachment, the most important thing to a borderline, and he will keep it going until he finds another attachment, and might try to stay attached even then.  The only one who will end it permanently is you.

On the Phone, he says he realises how much I am hurt by his behaviour and that of his family.
I felt emotional that he could admit it.
We both said that we do not make each other happy.

So there you go, that's all you need to know, time to end it for good?

I know you told me NOT to ring him, not to get in touch... .but that is too much asked from me.
I think that would be very selfish.It did give him some comfort to have me on the Phone.

We wouldn't tell you not to ring him, you can do what you want, although notice calling him made him comfortable, and what about you?  It's common in these relationships to put a borderline's needs ahead of our own, and when we're detaching it's important to get very selfish, put your needs first, no matter what, which won't feel good if you've been putting his needs first for a long time.

I will go see them twice a week and feel their support.

My family is about none-excistend to me and yes, I do have some friends and my volunteeringwork (now we have holiday) to turn to... .and my prayers.

It's good you have church and your volunteering work.  If you put all your energy there it will shift the focus from him.

[LilMe]

Hmmm... .yes, I do have trouble knowing what I am actually feeling.  I have spent my whole life under the control of angry men, so I have never been able to safely feel or express exactly what I feel.  I am trying to work on this, but haven't had a major breakthrough yet.  I just started reading 'Mindfulness in Eight Weeks'.

I also think avoidance is an issue.  I have to compartmentalize things in order to deal with them.  Not sure if that is good or bad, but there are quite a few bad things waiting to be dealt with in those compartments!

I think the biggest frustration I have right now is the fact that uBPDx is holding everything the children and I own and won't let us have it, has called the child abuse hotline on me at least 5 times that I know of, badmouths me all over our smallish town, etc. and I just feel sad and sorry for him.  It seems like I should be angry and hate him, but I don't.

Thanks for the input Lily and NtoN.  You've both given me plenty to think about.

[zonnebloem]

 

OK... .I will read what you come to advise me.

He's back in his drinking (whiskey) mood and how do I know?

I texted because there is enough I do miss about being with him.

He only talks about HIS (sexs) needs.

My eyes are opening... .

Thanks.

[thisagain]

I think it's fine to feel empathy, compassion, or sadness for the pwBPD's suffering instead of anger. They aren't evil, and they aren't making knowing or premeditated decisions to hurt us. They're just reeling from their intolerably intense emotions. It's normal to feel sad for them, especially after we loved them and shared moments of closeness and happiness.

The problem is when that sadness and empathy keeps us from setting and enforcing boundaries. It's really sad that they have this disorder and suffer so much -- but that doesn't mean we should leave ourselves vulnerable. Boundaries are about refusing to listen to insults, wanting to be in faithful relationships, and so on. Regardless of the other person's underlying reasons for insulting us or cheating.

And ultimately if there's no way for us to protect ourselves and our values in the relationship, we need to end it. As Lilyroze mentioned, anger was probably the initial motivator for ending my BPD relationship. But sadness about my ex's disorder was the dominant emotion for me through most of my breakup/detaching process. It's possible to both feel sad for them and know that we're better off without them.