Question for Christians

[StayStrongNow]

I saw only one T early after my stbxBPDw filed for divorce, he said he was a Christian. My post above has more details. Well I texted him last night making it clear that I know that my stbx is a BPD. I did add, I wish I knew sooner from him, I don't think he suspected BPD to be prevalent. He texted back that she "has PTSD and I have known from the start that in view of her early childhood trauma likely had BPD traits."

Likely had BPD traits? Are you kidding me how about for sure is a BPD! She slit both wrist (self harm cutting variety) the first wrist cut after a few times dating when I told her I did not want to see her again. (My first mistake BTW, I was heroic and came to the ER the next day).

She had many violent tirades, including her getting charged with spousal battery a couple times.  The other 5 charges more rage stuff. All this in 14 months.  That's just the stuff where she got caught, there was much much more.

Dr T was referring to the PTSD she had as a result of my youngest daughter who died of a heart disease. This sure hurt our once family and I know we both had difficulty but nevertheless many of these "BPD traits" existed from almost day one in the relationship.

This Christian T wants to see me now, I don't I am healing and moving on now. I don't care to hear how she is doing or what this PhD thinks about her. I really don't care and I can't stand her now, oh yes, no chance of recycling here.  And most importantly I get great therapy right here among you all, thank you.

[teapay]

SSN,

I understand your frustration.  Been through that scenario a number if times, even to the point where after my W was dx aT said my W had many BPD traits, which look exactly like BPD, but it was really trauma and not BPD.  This kind of stuff tied me up for while, but now I pay little attention to it.  It's just T junk.  Which gets me back to my earlier post.  Continue on your journey making sure your head is on straight and being solid with yourself, then be true to yourself.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I believe that sometimes professionals decline to diagnose BPD. Sometimes for insurance and billing reasons, sometimes personally held beliefs, sometimes mis-diagnosis, sometimes out of hope that by labeling it something like PTSD there leaves open hope for the sufferer to repair damage, and have hope.

For you, the victim / partner / co-sufferer, that shouldn't really matter.  Furthermore, I also have not heard of convincing information that a diagnosis of BPD has actually helped in divorce and custody cases.  (note: it is good for you to know so that you can prepare accordingly and coach your lawyer, but not needed for public display). You can get far by proving patterns of behavior, but, there is so much misunderstood about BPD that a diagnosis will gain you little in court, or somewhere it may matter.

For me, it doesn't matter one bit about whether my wife gets a diagnosis or not, nor if it is correct.  Meanwhile, I have found a most accurate explanation of my wife's past, her behavior, a rule set that applies perfectly, and definitions that work (and a support group that "gets it" by the way).  So, as they say, if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it must be a duck.  

Take what works and what fits, and discard the rest.  :)on't make it your concern what one T thinks or not.
IMHO.

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you teapay and SamwizeGamgee, I greatly appreciate your posts.

And thank you Mr Orange for starting this post and your adds, especially thank you for sharing what your sister said to you.

[StayStrongNow]

It is so great seeing so many here "get it".

[gotbushels]

For me, it doesn't matter one bit about whether my wife gets a diagnosis or not, nor if it is correct.  Meanwhile, I have found a most accurate explanation of my wife's past, her behavior, a rule set that applies perfectly, and definitions that work (and a support group that "gets it" by the way).  So, as they say, if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it must be a duck.  

I think this is really good. I was thinking about this recently and was wondering what a good way to put a middle-ground was about pathologising form the non's perspective. Thank you SamwizeGamgee  

[atomic popsicles]

SamwizeGamgee, I'm only on the first page reading this but what you have said so far really strikes a chord with me!

[atomic popsicles]

Orange,

I have been so struggling with this... .but you just made a light bulb go off. Not seeking help when you are mentally ill, not trying... .that is infidelity to the union and the vow we took.

Wow.

[Mr Orange]

Orange,

I have been so struggling with this... .but you just made a light bulb go off. Not seeking help when you are mentally ill, not trying... .that is infidelity to the union and the vow we took.

Wow.

My wise sister opened my eyes to that one. Also, a friend mine I've known for 18 years and who has a master's of divinity from seminary pretty much echoed what my sister said. That based on what I have been experiencing, I shouldn't feel like infidelity by her is the only grounds for me to divorce her. I was surprised actually that he felt this way because he is often a bit legalistic on his theology, but I really felt like he wanted me to know that if she would not change, God would not want me in this situation. And then the final kicker, my new therapist who is a strong believing Christian in her own words said, "You made the right decision to separate and remove yourself from this situation, and if your wife refuses to do her part and join you in therapy, you can ultimately move on with your life and not feel like you have committed the ultimate sin. God hates divorce, but to look at in such a limited way of infidelity or you must stay married is a failure to understand the gospel, God's love for us, and other scriptures in the bible that speak to this. In other words, picking one specific passage and using that as a hard fast rule is not wisdom". I'm paraphrasing her a bit, but that was the gist of it. I hope it is encouraging to you guys. Multiple mature and strong Christians who see divorce not so cut and dry as many within the church.

Orange

[Moselle]

My experience has been that much of this advice isn’t coming from God, but just from human church members who don’t understand what’s going on, don’t really know what to say, are trying to shore up their own faith or are  just plain afraid to get involved.  They don’t have any skin in the game.

Thanks for the topic and the comments so far. I think this quote from teapay describes my opinion on this topic fairly well.

I have a very high functioning ex, who knows very well how to get well meaning but naive and trusting Christians to believe her lies and distortions.

They think they are helping but end up enabling her and causing more problems. Of course this suits my ex very well, and she knows how to play it.

I don't think being a Christian necessarily affects someone who understands the disease negatively. In fact well qualified (ito BP knowledge) Christians will likely have an added measure of empathy for both parties involved. Unqualified Christians can be downright destructive as they apply their own judgement to the problem and often end up supporting the abuser who has learned to play a compliant Christian as their pawn. I was one of those compliant Christians for 15 years

I've learned this by sad experience.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm digging up an old thread here, but, I've still been thinking on it.
In my case, I'd rather have my issue heard by Christ than some of those who proclaim to serve Him.  Moselle brings up a good point.  The better you are, the less judgemental you are.

[gotbushels]

The better you are, the less judgemental you are.

SamwizeGamgee I think it's interesting that this applies in parallel to dialogues in dysregulation. The less judgmental we are, the better the dialogue tends to go. We don't always get what we want, but the dialogues somehow have the creases pre-ironed. Thank you.