Feel so bad right now

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have this obsession of looking at her fb. Saw pics of them looking like the perfect couple together. My self esteem is at an all time low. The replacement is more on her level as far as physical attraction goes. They also look so in love even after 7 months. We only dated for about 9 so the fact that he is still in idealization is starting to make me doubt everything. It must've been me that drove her away into another mans arms. It hurts so much that I drove away the love of my life. I want to  be happy for her because she looks the best ive seen her in ages. I envy the replacement. She is really thriving in life and I'm still dormant failing in every aspect. My emotions have been so hard to manage even when not looking at her fb. I was hoping that the replacement was just someone to shield her from the pain of breakup but they really look like they connect. It feels so bad to go from being someone special to her to no one and her moving on to someone better. I know I cant control her actions but with her for the first time in my life I felt completely secure and unconditionally loved for who I was. She found me when I was maybe not the best time of my life, and she loved me like no other. I feel bad for the way I reacted at her emotions. I just wish I had another chance but it seems she really did make the better choice. If she loves him so much why hasn't she shown any BPD traits? Arent they triggered by love and fear that the one they love most will leave eventually? Why cant I see myself with someone else even after being broken up since January. Her life is really thriving after me, new job, new and more friends, new family, wonderful boyfriend. I know a lot will say  I shouldn't look at her fb but I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with the idea that I was her special someone. But after seeing those pics today it seems like was just a filler relationship. During the discard it was like she hit t he lotto. I distanced myself to work on my issues and I suggested she did the same. She would call me up to hang out and I would tell her I was too tired( truth) and would I guess in her mind reject her. She started hanging out with an old friend and messaging me less so I just put it she was mad and gave her her space. Next thing I know she is dating this amazing guy who her friend probably set her up with. What are the odds there would be someone out there that was like a  better me. Loving caring big heart but he is better looking and probably communicates more with her on a better vibe. I feel like I was not good enough. I'm stuck in a dark dark dark pit of despair and shes moving on having the time of her life. All my friends are in relationships and when I hang out I get triggered by seeing lovely couples. I remember when I had that with an amazing girl. Then I think about what she might be doing at this time and think that she is probably coupled up just like all these other happy couples. I remember when that was me. The love of my life got away. The new guy is soo lucky... .she loves him more than she ever loved me... .and her love with immense for me... .I wish I could go back and stop myself from ruining the best thing that ever came into my life. I am nothing to her now... .she has better memories. I was always hoping I would be the "special" someone to my unBPD ex like some talk about here. I was hoping I would be the one that got away for her. My heart is at its limit in terms of pain. Each day is harder as I lose hope. I'm going into a darker and darker hole. I'm a loner and the one time I thought Ive found that one connection with someone that loves me as much as I love them its gone and someone better takes over. I cant be happy anymore... .but I guess if that's what it takes to make her happy then it is a worthy sacrifice. Ive lived a decent life and now she can live one too cause her childhood was hell. I don't know how you guys cope. She was everything ive ever wanted in a girl. I cant help but beat myself up right now I can only blame myself. I knew she would find someone better, they always do. I just didn't think it would be so easy for her and work so smoothly. I still cant believe she idealizing him after 7 months Jeez my envy is on 100 right now. I had her... .I had her... .I lost her... .I lost me... .I'm still in shock she left me... .I rambling now my mind is blank I don't know what to think what to do I'm losing myself more each day.

[SoMadSoSad]

I have this obsession of looking at her fb. Saw pics of them looking like the perfect couple together. My self esteem is at an all time low. The replacement is more on her level as far as physical attraction goes. They also look so in love even after 7 months. We only dated for about 9 so the fact that he is still in idealization is starting to make me doubt everything. It must've been me that drove her away into another mans arms. It hurts so much that I drove away the love of my life. I want to  be happy for her because she looks the best ive seen her in ages. I envy the replacement. She is really thriving in life and I'm still dormant failing in every aspect. My emotions have been so hard to manage even when not looking at her fb. I was hoping that the replacement was just someone to shield her from the pain of breakup but they really look like they connect. It feels so bad to go from being someone special to her to no one and her moving on to someone better. I know I cant control her actions but with her for the first time in my life I felt completely secure and unconditionally loved for who I was. She found me when I was maybe not the best time of my life, and she loved me like no other. I feel bad for the way I reacted at her emotions. I just wish I had another chance but it seems she really did make the better choice. If she loves him so much why hasn't she shown any BPD traits? Arent they triggered by love and fear that the one they love most will leave eventually? Why cant I see myself with someone else even after being broken up since January. Her life is really thriving after me, new job, new and more friends, new family, wonderful boyfriend. I know a lot will say  I shouldn't look at her fb but I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with the idea that I was her special someone. But after seeing those pics today it seems like was just a filler relationship. During the discard it was like she hit t he lotto. I distanced myself to work on my issues and I suggested she did the same. She would call me up to hang out and I would tell her I was too tired( truth) and would I guess in her mind reject her. She started hanging out with an old friend and messaging me less so I just put it she was mad and gave her her space. Next thing I know she is dating this amazing guy who her friend probably set her up with. What are the odds there would be someone out there that was like a  better me. Loving caring big heart but he is better looking and probably communicates more with her on a better vibe. I feel like I was not good enough. I'm stuck in a dark dark dark pit of despair and shes moving on having the time of her life. All my friends are in relationships and when I hang out I get triggered by seeing lovely couples. I remember when I had that with an amazing girl. Then I think about what she might be doing at this time and think that she is probably coupled up just like all these other happy couples. I remember when that was me. The love of my life got away. The new guy is soo lucky... .she loves him more than she ever loved me... .and her love with immense for me... .I wish I could go back and stop myself from ruining the best thing that ever came into my life. I am nothing to her now... .she has better memories. I was always hoping I would be the "special" someone to my unBPD ex like some talk about here. I was hoping I would be the one that got away for her. My heart is at its limit in terms of pain. Each day is harder as I lose hope. I'm going into a darker and darker hole. I'm a loner and the one time I thought Ive found that one connection with someone that loves me as much as I love them its gone and someone better takes over. I cant be happy anymore... .but I guess if that's what it takes to make her happy then it is a worthy sacrifice. Ive lived a decent life and now she can live one too cause her childhood was hell. I don't know how you guys cope. She was everything ive ever wanted in a girl. I cant help but beat myself up right now I can only blame myself. I knew she would find someone better, they always do. I just didn't think it would be so easy for her and work so smoothly. I still cant believe she idealizing him after 7 months Jeez my envy is on 100 right now. I had her... .I had her... .I lost her... .I lost me... .I'm still in shock she left me... .I rambling now my mind is blank I don't know what to think what to do I'm losing myself more each day.

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm not equipped to handle these intense emotions Idk what to do but I need help. Trine heals all but I fear I may be running out of time.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi SMSS-

I don't know how you guys cope.

By detaching.

I'm going to say what you expected: stay off Facebook.  It's not an accurate reflection of reality anyway, and with your obsession you're just going to fill in the blanks, and that puts you where you are today.

The way out is to shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future, one step at a time, as fast as you can but not too fast.  We need to make detachment a project at the end of these relationships, the best kind of project, it's your life we're talking about after all, and to put things in perspective, you need to spend as much time and energy on your detachment as you did on the relationship.  And isolating won't help, we're here of course, and have you considered some professional help locally?  And a benefit of getting off Facebook is you can go out in the real world and connect with real people, even if it's just a coffee shop or whatever, it will help, it will really help, it starts to give you the idea that there is life after this relationship, a great opportunity really, an opportunity to build any kind of life you want.

So what are you going to do, proactively, to move towards your future, starting right now?

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm a loner that finds it hard connecting with people. I'm usually liked by a lot of people but I just domy feel connection. I've learned to be a lone in life because I'm so different then others and have grow content except for when I join relationships. I guess I become co dependent and really value the connection because I never connect with people. The thought of her and I having that connection for life brought new highs to my life. Then to have that ripped away and given away to someone else reassures I will never have that connection. I love myself but it just feels like I'm living in the world alone. I have wonderful friends and family but I wish I didnt sometimes because I feel all alone in the world anyway. I would try going out and socialising more but the times I've been doing it, I've been triggered to the point where the thought of just dissappearing from life was such a huge relieving thoight. Then I get extremely sad that I think this way. I'm scheduling to meet with a therapist but I think it might not work. For some reason I think having a gf leave me for another guy was one of my biggest fears. This is the first time it's ever happened to me and I knew I was scared of it before this relationship. The reason I keep looking at her Facebook is because I'm trying to prove to myself she doesn't love him like she loved me. But today seeinc those pics just broke the hope that kept me going.  Just the sight of them kissing hurts so bad. I cant even think about kissing someone else intmitely like that. I guess I can stop looking now. Since a child I've always had intense emotions but I've learned to manage them especially anger. Id k what she's done to me but I can no longer control these intense emotions and they are destroying me more each day. Time is not on my side

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm a loner that finds it hard connecting with people. I'm usually liked by a lot of people but I just domy feel connection. I've learned to be a lone in life because I'm so different then others and have grow content except for when I join relationships. I guess I become co dependent and really value the connection because I never connect with people. The thought of her and I having that connection for life brought new highs to my life. Then to have that ripped away and given away to someone else reassures I will never have that connection.

Your viewpoint is shared by many on these boards SMSS, so see, you're not alone.  Borderlines can be intoxicating because they fill a hole that has been empty for a long time, for their own reasons and because they must, and it hurts that much more when it gets taken away.  You do need to look at why you make the connection between a borderline leaving and you never having the connection you want though, why do you think you do that?

I love myself but it just feels like I'm living in the world alone.

Nice!  And you sound like an introvert, no negative connotation at all in that psychologically, you're just someone, like me, who looks inside for information instead of outside, and we have a rich inner world that may feel disconnected from people at times, although we're content with it.  Lots of people feel the same.

I'm scheduling to meet with a therapist but I think it might not work.

Good!  Although if you go into it like that you may not get the most value.  Can you stay open to the possibility that there are things you don't know and professionals are really good at what they do?

I've been triggered to the point where the thought of just dissappearing from life was such a huge relieving thoight. Then I get extremely sad that I think this way.

Id k what she's done to me but I can no longer control these intense emotions and they are destroying me more each day. Time is not on my side

What do those mean exactly?

[SoMadSoSad]

When I'm out with other people I see everyone happy and coupled up and I have panic attacks. I start having suicidal thoughts and these thoughts bring me relief because if I did end everything this pain would be gone but then I think of my family and get really sad.

I don't think I will find another connection like we shared because I dont think I can have a stronger. Connection than the one I had. Besides I've only really connected fully with her in my whole life. For the first time ever I felt like I could be completely myself and still be loved. No one has ever loved me so much and I dont connect with anyone ... .just her. Last time I had a connection was 6 years ago but it wasn't this intense.

Hard not to think about her... .she was the best thing that ever happened to me

[fromheeltoheal]

When I'm out with other people I see everyone happy and coupled up and I have panic attacks. I start having suicidal thoughts and these thoughts bring me relief because if I did end everything this pain would be gone but then I think of my family and get really sad.

A therapist can really help with that SMSS.  When is your appointment scheduled?  And you get out of therapy what you put into it; if you go in with the belief that therapy can help resolve those issues for you and make your life more enjoyable, which it can, and don't hold back with anything, you'll be amazed at what you can learn and how you'll grow.

I don't think I will find another connection like we shared because I dont think I can have a stronger. Connection than the one I had. Besides I've only really connected fully with her in my whole life. For the first time ever I felt like I could be completely myself and still be loved. No one has ever loved me so much and I dont connect with anyone ... .just her. Last time I had a connection was 6 years ago but it wasn't this intense.

Yes, relationships with borderlines are intense, it's a trait of the disorder.  And the good news is you did connect, you showed yourself you have the ability to connect, and that's a great thing, it's just a matter of detaching from her, getting better at connecting, and you will get better, everything gets better with practice, and then being selective enough with a future partner, and you'll create that connection again, but in a sustainable way.

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm trying to schedule an appointment for next week Thursday and I will try to go in with a positive outlook but all my desires, motivation, and willpower is gone from the breakup. I have this weird feeeling right now where I want to cry for hours to let out all this pain but I can't. I just feel empty now. And the reason I rarely connect with people is because the vibe is never right. I know my worth and I like to connect with people who are like me (unjudgemental, big heart, strong emotions but manageable, empathetic, and willing to just enjoy life sometimes) I have not met many people like this Im my 25 years so when I did find it I held on for dear life because nothing is promised for me.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm trying to schedule an appointment for next week Thursday and I will try to go in with a positive outlook but all my desires, motivation, and willpower is gone from the breakup.

That's because of what you're making the breakup mean, plus our body has a way of shutting down emotions to protect us, from the bad ones yes, but you can't shut down emotions selectively, they all get shut down.  They will reawaken as you grieve the loss and detach, and it will be great!  You ever notice we value things more when we lose them and get them back?  After I grieved the loss and got my life back, everything got brighter and more colorful and I was totally content and happy with things I once took for granted.  It's a wonderful time, something to look forward to.

I have this weird feeeling right now where I want to cry for hours to let out all this pain but I can't. I just feel empty now.

The therapist can help with that, and healthy grieving is the way out, the only way out is through, and I commend you for addressing it.

And the reason I rarely connect with people is because the vibe is never right. I know my worth and I like to connect with people who are like me (unjudgemental, big heart, strong emotions but manageable, empathetic, and willing to just enjoy life sometimes) I have not met many people like this Im my 25 years so when I did find it I held on for dear life because nothing is promised for me.

No, nothing is promised to us, although we have the opportunity to create any kind of life we want.  And you sound like a great guy with those traits, and there are plenty of people who are like that too, but you do have to go meet them.  It's fun really, you know what you want, you know the vibe you're looking for, so what if you were to set a goal of meeting 10 people a week, just for practice, it doesn't matter, and focus on seeing what kind of person they are and if the vibe is right?  The first week may be challenging, the best kind of challenge, but everything gets better with practice, no really, it does, and it will get easier, you'll be more relaxed, so they'll be more relaxed, and you can really look to find the vibe you're looking for.  Is that a goal you can consider?

[SoMadSoSad]

Yes I will try to meet new people. Thanks for your help and support. Its really keeping me hanging in there

[heartandwhole]

Hi SoMadSoSad,

I'm really sorry that you are hurting. I can understand how looking at her smiling, affectionate pictures would trigger feelings of not being good enough. I've struggled with those same thoughts and feelings. 

Aside from not looking at Facebook (yes, I said it, too), you might try reframing your thoughts... .take a little distance from them. Right now, you are believing all kinds of thoughts that may not be true, e.g., "she's happier with him than she was with me," "he's better than me," etc., and implied beliefs like "if I could just try again, the outcome would be different." There is no way you can know if these things are true, and looks can be SO deceiving. I would take whatever I saw on FB with a grain of salt.

What you might try is to say to yourself, "Right now I'm having the thought that I'm not good enough" and then feel what it brings up. The pain doesn't mean that what you are thinking is true; in fact, it likely means the opposite: your whole body is reacting to something that somewhere deep inside you know is not true/right. You may be afraid that it's true, but that doesn't mean it is.

When the next thought comes up, say, "I'm having the thought that she's happier with him" and then just be still and feel. If you can distance yourself a little from the thoughts, that is, realize that they are just thoughts, not necessarily truths, then you can allow the feelings (and thoughts) to pass through. Try not to attach your identity to the thoughts; they are something that happens, not who you are, you know?

The whole reason all this is happening is to let you know that there is something you need to pay attention to: yourself and your feelings, and the things that you are believing that don't serve you.

heartandwhole

[SoMadSoSad]

Thank you for the responses im feeling a little better now. Either that or I am still numb I can't tell. I will try to distance myself from my thoughts. I'm a pessimist so I always think the worse. You're right facebook isn't an indicator of anything but knowing her she wouldn't be posting on Facebook if she wasn't having the time of her life. Id k maybe it's the fact that she never praised me on Facebook like that. But I guess it's unfair to compare like that be cause I never liked to take pictures so we never took pics together.

[Masuimi]

Let me start off by saying that I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I'm still learning about BPD and I am reletively new to this website, but your story and what you have put forth about yourself has really resonated with me. We seem very much the same. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone at all, and I deeply connect with every thought and feeling you are having. I myself have a hard time making genuine connections with people, so I find myself alone almost all of the time (I'm 23 and apparently I'm supposed to be having the time of my life? Idk).

Even though she may seem content now, we have no clue what happens behind the closed doors of their relationship. People tend to want to put the best images of themselves on fb to mask the faults in their lives. Try retracting from fb for a bit. I know it will be difficult, but the momentary pain and ultimate healing will be so much more than the constant worry and depression. I know it sucks, and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It's terrible to give someone everything you've had just to feel as if it was never good enough. Just remember that it was good enough and that even with the insecurities, a loving and caring partner will always be willing to help you grow as an individual. You deserve that.

I promise that doors do open when one closes. Keep loving yourself and doing what makes you happy!