Is your replacement in love with YOU

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

  All,

Mods feel free to move to another board if need be.


I posted this in response on another board: Another reason is the person they are seeing now ( aka your replacement) is in fact in love with you... . Yes you! As crazy as that sounds sometimes BPD people mirror you to get you, sometimes they move on so fast without thinking or don't really like the new person that much. They want the person to like them, soothe them, have sex or lust, not love. So they show only what they knew and loved the good in you.

and JerryRG Kindly asked as well as VitaminC

This is remarkable Lilyroze

This is so true, my exgf is doing all the things I begged her to do when we were together. Except her actually getting well through DBT, AA, NA, Alanon.

Facinating

I think your post deserves a whole new thread, please begin this as I believe this will help others cope. If not may I bring this topic up for discussion?

So, in life we all have goals, desires and core values. Some with BPD or PD's don't know what they want, where to go, or who or what they love. So they tend to mirror us to get us to love and accept them.

We all understand the hurt or painting black, devaluing or in the end realize the mirroring and what that means. We look to see where we can heal, why we were attracted to such a relationship. Sometimes there is abuse, hurt, sorrow, and anger.

Now the humor ,or another insight perhaps. Sometimes when they move on so quick, well they don't want to mirror the other person, have the time or desire them very much. They only want soothed, lust, sex or well to hurt you.

Upon looking you realize in moving on so quick all they had to mirror still was the good or desires in you. So they do the things they were suppose to or did with you. Things they might have even raged, complained or threw in your face when they left. Why?

Well simple that is all the tools that they had. Now the replacements in love with YOU. Intriguing to say the least. That is why it blows up so fast many times. Or they seem so happy or what you want still. They are still mirroring you.

So many times through the tears realize and laugh the ex's replacement loves YOU. Isn't that lovely? Love is a many splendid thing... .LOL

Thoughts or input? Did this happen to you?

[Lilyroze]

  All,

Mods feel free to move to another board if need be.


I posted this in response on another board: Another reason is the person they are seeing now ( aka your replacement) is in fact in love with you... . Yes you! As crazy as that sounds sometimes BPD people mirror you to get you, sometimes they move on so fast without thinking or don't really like the new person that much. They want the person to like them, soothe them, have sex or lust, not love. So they show only what they knew and loved the good in you.

and JerryRG Kindly asked as well as VitaminC

This is remarkable Lilyroze

This is so true, my exgf is doing all the things I begged her to do when we were together. Except her actually getting well through DBT, AA, NA, Alanon.

Facinating

I think your post deserves a whole new thread, please begin this as I believe this will help others cope. If not may I bring this topic up for discussion?

So, in life we all have goals, desires and core values. Some with BPD or PD's don't know what they want, where to go, or who or what they love. So they tend to mirror us to get us to love and accept them.

We all understand the hurt or painting black, devaluing or in the end realize the mirroring and what that means. We look to see where we can heal, why we were attracted to such a relationship. Sometimes there is abuse, hurt, sorrow, and anger.

Now the humor ,or another insight perhaps. Sometimes when they move on so quick, well they don't want to mirror the other person, have the time or desire them very much. They only want soothed, lust, sex or well to hurt you.

Upon looking you realize in moving on so quick all they had to mirror still was the good or desires in you. So they do the things they were suppose to or did with you. Things they might have even raged, complained or threw in your face when they left. Why?

Well simple that is all the tools that they had. Now the replacements in love with YOU. Intriguing to say the least. That is why it blows up so fast many times. Or they seem so happy or what you want still. They are still mirroring you.

So many times through the tears realize and laugh the ex's replacement loves YOU. Isn't that lovely? Love is a many splendid thing... .LOL

Thoughts or input? Did this happen to you?

[gotbushels]

Hi Lilyroze 

Thoughts or input? Did this happen to you?

Interesting theory    I don't know if it happened to me. Some time after NC I attempted to autopsy what happened.

[BorisAcusio]

Thoughts or input? Did this happen to you?

Interesting concept but human interactions cannot be reduced to such equations.

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello Lillyrose,

How are you today? I've been off this board... .needed to feel alive and kicking again.
I've posted a new topic about me, now that I move on with my life, single.
That volunteeringjob I mentioned, well I am on duty this Friday and the W-ends.
It gives me time to take care of myself and to clean the mess in my house and to be on this board.

If "the replacement is in love with me"? I wouln"t want anyone to be in love with me.
I like people to be in love with life itself.
If they are in love with me, I feel they make me responsible for their happiness and that is an awful place to be in! I feel hurt to tell men that I fell out of love with them.

It is beautiful to feel the love flow, together on the dancefloor.
The dancepartner and me... .we will meet again.
I feel so much respect from him to me and vice-versa.
Yet, I know and I respect that he can take care of himself.
He has 3 grown-up children and already he told me he'd very much love to meet me again and dance and play music and that he'll never impose his children to me for they all have their own life.

I feel I do not want a serious rs and I said so.
I am so used to take my freedom and I still need healing from the past.
Wish you all well!

[zonnebloem]

 


Oeps
... .I read through the Topic again and yes... .I get it.

Weird to realise that my ex would use "nature" as a tool to get closer to me.
Great we both are natureminded though.

On holiday he went camping at the same spot as I have shown him ,with... .his daughter.
I hope she didn't like it.

[fromheeltoheal]

So they tend to mirror us to get us to love and accept them.

And more specifically, a borderline mirrors someone to create an emotional attachment, yes, the ultimate goal being to fuse with them psychically and take on the good they see in them as their own, partly to counteract the bad they see in themselves.

So a "replacement" is just that, a replacement attachment, and that's not a half-way thing for a borderline, it can't be, although we talk about "fleas" around here, traits that could be considered traits of the disorder that we "inherited" from our ex in the relationship and exhibit for a while after it ends, I suppose fleas could go both ways with a borderline exhibiting ours, especially with the vigor with which a borderline attaches, although the whole process of attaching would negate that as a borderline attaches to someone new.  Or does it?  Maybe a borderline is a composite of all previous attachments on some level?  Hmmm... .

And then there's the tryst, not a full blown replacement attachment but an impulsive hook-up, done specifically to soothe emotions, and it wouldn't be a stretch for a borderline to show up with a mirrored version of the current attachment in that case.

[Herodias]

No, I think they use parts of you when necessary. But no, mine is a completely different person than I knew. With different interests and mirroring the replacement, not me.

[Lilyroze]

Thanks all for the insight and responses. Truly reason topic came up was in private board I saw a few devastated, when BPD left immediately to hurt someone a pattern arose sometimes. They walked out then went on vacation or did something they were suppose to do with the other person they left. Or left complaining of things, to turn around and do them. I think they might have exited too fast to mirror the next person as it was just a stop over, lust run or whatever to soothe attach for moment. Noticed here and commented, then some asked to expound on for them to delve further.

The Dr. on other board told me his wife who is writing a book, wanted to explore the thought in her book.

Mirroring is intriguing to study. It has helped me understand as my ex to be ( makes me feel better that way) UBPD raged complained and hurt me for any art, talents, holistic health, home cooking I did. It was awful, then sat and chatted to his gamer GF's how they needed to do that... .LOL

 I didn't care he was doing that as we were not that way anymore, just made me crazy like I was doing things wrong, or awful or what was wrong with me as a person and Mom.

I didn't need his validation, or praise, but when he went off rails and crazy I didn't need the put downs on top of. It was too much at once, rages, craziness, accidents, projection, two houses etc.

 A good dear friend pointed out the projection and craziness for what it was. At time still thought his addiction to stacks which I had found out, or alcohol. Once I realized it was the exact same text book as my Mom. The accidents, rages, control, addictions, self harm it all fell in place.

I do feel bad  for them as I love having my core values, hobbies, interests and love of life. Exploring it for me, but sharing it with others. I love others talents to learn from, share or admire for them, not to mirror. I want someone to share my life, my hobbies, and theirs to have differences mature enough we can delve and share. I never want to hurt someone for their dreams, ambitions or help. I can't imaging living a life not true to you.

At same time my Father and friend helped as I did many things to learn, have fun but also to have money to save for family, to always remain debt free, to help my children in school do a business. I sacrificed a lot of my time and energy, not in a martyr way, as I enjoyed learning, sharing and doing along way became a passion. Like grinding my own wheat, baking my own breads and foods from scratch.

 I needed to do for health and field I am in, but did for love. My sbxUBD started putting me down for, raging throwing in my face my meals. I could make a 3 course dinner, tons more he would take for all week long for work or when in hospital ( put in freezer up there and never touch). The kids and I couldn't have any, then rage it was awful. He would say they were hobbies. No had plenty of hobbies and passions, learning and work. These were things I did for the betterment of my family and financial health. But well alas he never was good with money or responsibility.  

Finally so glad to see it all for BPD his Dr. now thinks DX covert NPD as well, finally heard back on qt. I can now take what he and my Mom did, understand it, have compassion for me.

I appreciate the support here, and the person who made me face it was BPD and not me. Thanks for insights everyone. Hope didn't go off track.