They have distorted thinking

[bus boy]

Can anyone help me wrap my brain around this? I am a very hard worker, good provider, don't wither my life away in the tavern or in front of a poker machine, I'm a good clean living citizen, always on the ready if s9 needs me. His mother knows if she called at 3:00am I would be there. Why am I looked at as just the total opposite? She tell family court I'm not there but it's her that is making that happen. She told the child therapest that I'm not making any childhood memories for our son but it's her who makes everything very impossible. She is allowing other men to make those memories. It is very frustrating. She accuses me of being everything I'm not. Even accused me of being a thief. She was calling my sister down, saying she was a thief, I told her to clean out your closets first, your brother is the biggest thief around, than she turns around and calls me a thief. I'm still a hard worker but back when I had my mental melt down I was unable to work. She called me lazy, never once did she say I was a hard worker. She still views me as lazy, she seems to resent me for all my good qualities. On 2 occasions one time, I didn't have the step shovelled, I was plowing snow all night, I came home filled the basement with wood and went to bed. She never looked at that only the fact the step wasn't shovelled and would belittle me for wanting some kind of acknowledgment. She enjoyed withholding any type of recognition, I asked her why and her reply was, your covered under my medical plan, did you thank me for that.

[heartandwhole]

Hi busboy,

I think we all have trouble wrapping our brains around some of the behavior of pwBPD. You're right, a pwBPD often exhibits distorted thinking, and use defense mechanisms that can cause us a lot of pain. One of them is projection. It sounds to me like your ex has been using that one to throw off her own feelings of blame and shame. Everything she says about you is likely something she can't own in herself (or at least that she is afraid is part of her personality). That's why it can hurt so much, because sometimes WE are afraid that pwBPD is right.

We all project sometimes. We can project some of our fears, our faults, our weaknesses, etc., because we don't want to accept them in ourselves. It's unconscious, so we don't know when it's happening. Same with pwBPD. However, since there is so much inner turmoil going on, and the coping strategy feels like life/death for a pwBPD, the resulting projections can feel a lot more extreme.

Here's more info. if you haven't seen it already:BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

heartandwhole

[enlighten me]

It does sound like projection. What she says about you is how she feels about herself. The less memories you create with s9 then her not doing things doesnt look as bad.

Its all about how she sees herself and nothing about you. She may wish you where what she says but only to reduce the gap between how you are and how bad she sees herself.

[stimpy]

one time, I didn't have the step shovelled, I was plowing snow all night, I came home filled the basement with wood and went to bed. She never looked at that only the fact the step wasn't shovelled and would belittle me for wanting some kind of acknowledgment. She enjoyed withholding any type of recognition

It's maddening isn't it! I had something similar... .bought her a little present on Ebay, and I had it  delivered straight to her place by post. I thought it'd be a nice little surprise.

I saw her that night, and got blamed! Her opening statement was "I've got a bone to pick with you"... .Turns out it got delivered to a neighbour, and she opened the package in front of him and felt embarrassed about it.

So I get the blame. FEELINGS = FACTS. She felt embarrassed about the gift because she opened the package in front of her neighbour, so that feeling was a result of something I did, so it must be a FACT that I was to blame.

No "Thanks", nothing.

Ever heard of the saying... ."No good deed goes unpunished". Well now I understand that saying.

Might be the same for your ex. She might feel bad about the situation with s9, but that bad FEELING can't be her fault, so it must be yours, so she projects her inadequacies and problems and behaviours onto you. This makes her feel better (so I'm told) and alleviates her guilt, by in effect passing it onto you.

[bus boy]

Hi Stimpy, I can relate so much to being blamed for embarrassing them. When I got my spine back and started pushing back, pushing for s9. I went to the school with the court order, I called parents of s9 friends and asked them to show me the same respect as s9 mother, that I was an equal parent. My ex would make plans with the parents for play dates on my access time, knowing I wouldn't say no but it was my time being lost. I was very polite and asked that they ask me as well to be sure it's not my time, I would still go along with the play date but I wanted to be treated as an equal parent. The court order states I am to be notified of any requests to change my access time before s9 is told about it. The parents had no problem but my ex was fit to be tied bc I was embarrassing her.

[stimpy]

My ex would make plans with the parents for play dates on my access time

I can so relate to this. My ex would do things without a seconds thought about me or the consequences for me or my feelings. If I challenged her about  it, she would say it was just her being "thoughtless". Which I think might have been true. But being thoughtless means actually being self absorbed... .and really means no empathy.

I didn't really matter, not in a normal way. It was always all about her.

Maybe that is the case with your ex too? She may not have meant any harm by not consulting you first, but the NOT consulting you is at a minimum thoughtless. And of course by calling her out on it, you may have shamed her, and she will find that hard to process. Hence the turning it around and then yet again trying to blame you... .somehow... .with me she would accuse me of being "too sensitive".

I think my exes way of thinking really was different to mine. Maybe the same for your ex as well.