A New Life

[Needless2say]

 
I am an old-timer who has used this board for my sanity for a few years.  It has been awhile for me because for the last year I've been consumed with dealing with what we all have to eventually... .the end.  My 87 year old Mom was uBPD and I also had a sister who is.  In hindsight I also know now my Grandmother was.  I can remember being a young girl and thinking, "I will be the one who breaks the chain."  I do have traits because who raised me and how I was raised--not really understanding what a 'normal' family was because I didn't have any examples.  I was often told I was 'crazy' because I wasn't like them and of course I believed it. 

In 2008 I had a breakthrough.  I went to see a psychiatrist I trusted and he listened to me for a minute and then proceeded to tell me he had known me for awhile (through another family member who has mental illness who I took to his office for appointments) and he had never saw crazy in me and then joked he KNEW crazy.  He put me on the journey to find a therapist who specialized in BPD and at our first meeting told me I needed to read Understanding the Borderline Mother.  I remember reading it straight through without stopping crying as I saw the women in my life on those pages.  I believe that is around the time I found this board.   

When I had the breakthrough I was advised to go LC with both my Mom and my sister.  After being told that I was a heartless B, I went no contact with my sister shortly after.  That lasted about 2 years.  Then Mom had a medical emergency which brought us together again.  I thought I could handle it and I had high hopes that things had changed.  They hadn't.  Shortly after we had another blow out then we were NC until Mom got sick again in 2013.  Once again, brought together--had high hopes and then ended up almost having a physical fight regarding Mom's care.  Went NC again until last July when Mom got sick again. 

This time other family members saw my sister in her true light for the first time.  And again we almost came to blows at the hospital over Mom's care.  So Mom ends up in a nursing home 5 min. from her house, 100 miles from mine.  My family would go every other day to see Mom.  Mom would often ask me:  Where is your sister?  And I would reply that I didn't know and didn't care.  I just thought Mom was losing it a bit.  So one day we go see Mom and she went from being fine to actively dying in a matter of hours.  I went to the nursing station to see if they could help Mom and was told they could not do anything without her POA's permission.  I said who is that and they said your sister.  I said Mom does not have a POA because I would never agree to her being Mom's POA and I am also her daughter and they looked through the chart and there were no POA papers.  No surprise to me.  So talking to the nurses I find out  the AM staff had not saw my sister in EIGHT weeks.  PM staff had NEVER MET HER.

They transfer Mom to the hospital and I get a call at 5 am from my sister.  She's screaming that MOM IS DEAD!  So while my family was getting ready, I went online and posted it on Facebook.  We take off for the hospital and when we get there Mom is in a coma.  Not dead.  As a matter of fact she held on for two days.  So once again I look like a total idiot.  But this time, I went on FB and said exactly what happened. 

They placed Mom on hospice and of course the grieving daughter pulled herself away from whatever it had been that kept her away for EIGHT WEEKS to play the dutiful daughter.  When I got there her and her kids were eating and had the TV on so loud they could hear it down the hall.  It was like a party.  Once I got there and they left the nurse came in and said "Was that you your sister was yelling at?"  I said not this time.  She put her hand on my shoulder and said "Your sister is a real piece of work."  Yep.

So Mom died.  And I had to talk to my sister because of the arrangements and paperwork.  There was no funeral, no memorial service--thank goodness.  But we had to deal with a funeral home for her to be cremated.  So sis calls me and says that they are idiots and have messed everything up.  I look online at her obituary and almost all the info is wrong.  So I called her and she says that funeral home has messed everything up.  Right, my city was listed wrong.  Only my dear sister spelled it that way.  It wasn't the funeral home.  She calls me at 3 on a Friday and tells me the funeral home needs my signature on paperwork and I need to be there by 6.  I live 100 miles away and my husband was in the hospital.  No problem.  (insert sarcasm)

So we get there and the funeral director comes in to have me sign the papers and she says, "You are such a nice lady.  I expected the worst because we've been dealing with your sister."  I started laughing hysterically like a hyena.  I said she doesn't like you very much either.  So she tells us that my sister is the most difficult person she's ever dealt with 25 years in business. 

So I get a text a few days later that I am such a B and everyone hates me.  I had the audacity to send out thank you notes to six people for helping us through Mom's illness.  I didn't get her permission.  And that business of you telling everyone I called you and told you Mom was dead when she wasn't I am going to tell everyone the truth because you are such a liar.    She said, "I don't hate you, but I don't ever want to see or talk to you again."  I was so upset but only because she beat me to it.  I had planned on saying exactly the same to her as soon as all the funeral business was done.  I know she thought she was hurting me but she wasn't.

There has been NC for eight months.  I blocked her from FB.  If someone says her name I smile and kindly say I am sorry but that person does not exist to me anymore so please do not talk to me about her.  It is not only not dealing with her anymore, it is dealing with all of it.  The people who she treated badly who would tell me about it.  It is not hearing all the time how inadequate I am.  It is not hearing how everyone has ever done her wrong.  It is not hearing what a horrible person I am.  How perfect her kids are and how my kids need to be.

So I am doing the happy dance.  I do not miss her.  I do not regret how or that our relationship ended.  I am free at 53.

And I want to thank you all for supporting me through the past 10 years.   

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi and welcome back Needless2say! 

That's quite a story you shared! I am so glad that you are doing the happy dance, feeling freer than you have in a long time.  I'm sorry for the difficult path that your sister and mom and grandma took you down, but how great that each time your inner strength and knowledge has increased, your resiliency has endured, and you are the one who is seeing the rewards of your hard work and labor to survive and thrive!

I can very much relate to your experience of reading Understanding the Borderline Mother. I read it in a couple of days, and could not put it down for I felt as if I was reading the story of my life. How wonderful that you decided to be the chain breaker! I decided that too, and how very thankful that we've both worked hard to stop the cycle from continuing. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to do so, and thank you for sharing your story of doing so with us.

So I am doing the happy dance.  I do not miss her.  I do not regret how or that our relationship ended.  I am free at 53.

When my uBPDm passed away four years ago, I can honestly say that I don't miss her like I do the loss of my dad last year. I think one has to have had a difficult relationship indeed to be able to understand, but here at bpdfamily, we are able to grasp the magnitude of what you have said and know what you mean.

 
Wools

[HappyChappy]

Hi Needless2say I'm glad you did say. I’m so pleased you shared your great escape with us. Truly is a mega achievement surviving  the childhood we had. Reminded me of the time I first left home, it was like being let out of jail for wrongful imprisonment.   

[Needless2say]

Thank you both for your comments.  I truly hope that those who feel 'trapped' and alone know that there are others out here who feel the same way.

[Notwendy]

I am glad you are free and sorry for all the trauma related to your mother's death. Still, it must have been validating in a way to have other people see your sister for who she is.

This story reminds me of the chaos around my father's death and funeral. Mom was very mean and vindictive at the time.

This kind of event is traumatic, even for loving families. All those sad emotions. In a way, it makes sense that someone with BPD would deal with that through projection. Very hurtful to those in her path, but it seems that this behavior would make sense in those terms.

Glad you have this time of freedom!