Feeling guilty and worthless after leaving BPD boyfriend yet again

[PeoplePleaser]

Hi all,

I don't even know where to start. I have read so many of these posts since i met my ex-boyfriend 1,5 years ago. Yet i can't seem to find any clarity or peace. I feel completely exhausted, depressed, worthless, guilty over letting him down again, ashamed for going back so many times and taking so much of his -unintentional- abuse. I can't sleep, cry, relax, enjoy, focus... I feel like a zombie and i have finally reached my breaking point.

Like most BPD stories everything started out wonderful, he was the answer to all of my prayers, with him everything seemed to connect. It was like he had direct acces to every fragment of my mind, body and soul. I had never experienced love, intimacy and sex like that. We seemed to click on every level and he blew my mind. It was magical, but that didn't last long. I soon started noticing he was very easily upset, over seemingly minor things such as a comment, a look, the smallest things seemed to trigger him and cause him to be hurt or angry. He told me about his terrible upbringing, the abuse, his terrible ex-girlfriends who cheated and mistreated him. I thought no wonder he's a bit over-sensitive and emotional. The first time we had a real argument and i said i wanted to go home because his behavior was unacceptable he jumped out of a window from the first floor. Obviously i was shocked to the core. When i ran down to check on him he was beyond himself. Yelling and screaming that i couldn't leave him, i had to be there for him, i had to 'feel' him, feel his heart... He was shaking, super anxious, threatening to hurt himself if i left. I felt scared to death as i had never seen anyone act this way, but i also felt so sorry for him. That's where my nightmare began. Every cell in body screamed:'leave'! But i didn't... As i look back i realize that's also when i started 'adjusting' myself and my behaviour, i started walking on eggshells not to set him off, hurt him or anger him. He was also very controlling about every aspect in my life. Wanted me to quit smoking, live healthy, work out, live according to his views. Eventually i gave up trying to go against him, if i did he would just try and convince me, for hours or days, why his way was the way to go. He just wanted what was best for me. I came to terms not being in control over my own life anymore. He also constantly felt 'misunderstood'. He wrote numerous pages-long emails and messages to explain himself. Responding to all of those in a manner he thought was adequate was exhausting.

Now, 1,5 years and several break-ups later i have almost gotten used to scenes like that. Switching from wonderful  to horrible in seconds. The constant suicide threats if i didn't do what he wanted, slamming his head into the wall until he passes out, threatening to jump out of the car, bashing his head into the driving wheel, to drive against a tree with me in the car and so many more awful scenarios. At first i was terrified in situations like that, but still thought he wouldn't hurt me, i thought it was purely self-destructive. But it once got so bad after yet another one of his 'phases' he put his hands around my throat, strangled me and slammed my head into a wall until i lost consciousness for a few seconds. He kept screaming 'do i have to kill you for you to understand me?' Luckily people passed by at that time so i could get away from him. As i write this i realize how far i let this situation escalate. I still went back after that. I was able to break contact for a couple of months after. But i still went back, as i always do... He always comes back and tells me he realizes he was wrong, that he has a problem. Basically everything i want to hear at the time. Only to slowly turn things around to me. I triggered him, i didn't handle him correctly. Blaming me for leaving every time and not being there for him. Doubting if i ever really loved him. So i end up feeling guilty... I once even filed a complaint against him after he had locked me up for a day and kept screaming i had to sit there and watch how he was going to kill himself with a large kitchen knife. I tried to escape -in my underwear as he wouldn't give me my clothes- through a window but he dragged me back in. My friends convinced me to go to the police, until this day i feel guilty over that, guilty for 'betraying' him. All this is still only only part of the story, i could write o book if i wanted.

Now, after another 'phase' of his where i fled back home for safety from his rage, i broke things off yet again. But by now i'm completely depressed, i feel worthless. Every time i break up it's the same story: at first i feel strong and relieved to have my freedom back so i can find some peace again. But then, if i don't hear from him for a couple of days, i start missing him, feel guilty and responsible, obsessing over him, what he's doing, who he's seeing. The thought of him -or me- being with someone else hurts beyond belief. And on top of everything, his close friends-he doesn't have many- and his family see me as the bad guy. They have all removed me from social media, which again adds to my guilt and self-esteem issues.
God i sound crazy writing all of this. I feel trapped in this cycle of love and abuse and i don't know what to do with myself. I feel like i have gone crazy. I have started seeing a therapist recently and although it feels good to vent, it can't take away this hole in my soul. I used to be this confident and generally happy girl, i never thought i would take this kind of behavior from anyone. Yet here i am, a mess. After all of this i truly believe i will never find anyone who will make me feel like he did, i feel i will never reach that level of intimacy with anyone again and i will always keep longing for him in a way. So i'm doomed if i stay and i'm doomed if i stay away. I basically feel like my life is over and any future partner i ever have will be a disappointment because they won't be able to measure up to that wonderful side of his. Up until today i'm still not even sure it's borderline since he's never been diagnosed. But he ticks every box. According to him he just has abandonment issues and he's just very sensitive...
He's definitely not a bad person, he's ill. That what makes leaving, or better yet staying away, so damn hard... I genuinely feel i'm never going te be happy again.

I was wondering if anyone here went through a similar situation and found a way to cope with all this?
Any words of advice?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi PeoplePleaser-

And Welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through all of that, it is very painful and confusing.

I feel completely exhausted, depressed, worthless, guilty over letting him down again, ashamed for going back so many times and taking so much of his -unintentional- abuse. I can't sleep, cry, relax, enjoy, focus... I feel like a zombie and i have finally reached my breaking point.

I know exactly what that feels like, most of us here do, and the good news is it gets better, there are solutions, there is a way out, you've come to the right place, you aren't crazy, and you're not alone.

It's good you're seeing a therapist and it's good that you've giving yourself time and distance away from him, those are some great first steps.  Now the project called detachment starts, and you've got grieving and processing to do, not easy at times, but more good news is you'll come out the other side wiser, healthier and more experienced than you went in, and you WILL get your old life back, only better, and as with most things, you get out of it what you put into it.

Have you read some of the articles on this site?  Here's a good one to start, and there are many, and what's the biggest issue for you right now, right this minute?

[rfriesen]

PeoplePleaser,

It makes me so sad to hear what you're going through. I know those feelings all too well. I didn't suffer physical abuse -- that must be a frightening experience and I hope if you have any contact with him again, you can make sure not to put yourself in a dangerous situation.

I relate especially to your description of your first real argument. My ex didn't throw herself out of a window, but she did fly into hysterics like I had never witnessed in my life. The full-body sobbing, shrieking, yells of "I hate you so much", "I love you so much", "You can never ever leave. Ever. you have to promise me that is never an option", and on and on with such terrifying depths of despair, rage, fear, hatred, love, ... .

In hindsight, I can see that I was completely unprepared and unequipped to handle this. I started walking on eggshells like you. I also felt I had found a connection that I would never find again. The incredible sense of intimacy, of sharing a world just the two of us, the unbelievable sexual connection. And, yes, I know the feeling of despair and confusion when it finally sinks in that that incredible connection, which was so beautiful at first, cannot save the disintegration and ruin of the relationship.

So i'm doomed if i stay and i'm doomed if i stay away.

I know it feels impossible right now, but time and healthier habits do ease the pain. I know that feeling of doom. There is no magic bullet for how to cope. But I can say that for me, I just reached a point where I knew I had to move on. And since it seemed impossible at first that I would ever truly let go, I took the first steps on faith. I committed not to reaching out to her. I did my best to focus on my work, to keep exercising, to see family and friends, to sleep as best I could, to see a therapist to understand how I let myself become so entangled and lost in the relationship.

Every step felt hard at first. But if you string enough together, I can promise you it all gets easier. And at some point you really do manage to turn your focus on yourself and have a chance to learn a lot. Instead of saying you feel doomed without him, you'll start asking what made you feel so dependent on him. Instead of telling yourself you'll never find such intimacy again, you'll start asking yourself what it was you craved so intensely in this relationship, what needs he seemed to answer.

But it really is one step at a time. If you do know that you have to detach from this relationship, and it sounds like you've reached that point and made that decision, then you've come to the right place. Post here, read other people's stories. It's great you're seeing a therapist. Let yourself feel all the emotions you're going through. And, maybe most important, show yourself kindness and compassion. Coming out of these relationships, we can feel so low about ourselves and we can beat ourselves up for having put up with abuse, for not being able to move on, for so many things. Reading other people's stories, you'll realise that you're struggling as others of us have struggled. Your pain and difficulties are ones other people understand and are a normal human response to the kinds of trauma these relationships can cause. Being hard on yourself won't help and isn't justified in any case.

Hang in there, PeoplePleaser, it really does get so much better, as hard as it may be to imagine right now.