A Long and serious post - 3 years out

[willkennedy]

Normal, friendly, humble, sexually seductive and open, loving, curious, creative, intelligent and kind, workaholic, shy. At least that was my experience.

Changes fast though, you start to see the cracks. Maybe now I would spot one right away.

Will say outright though for your question that the biggest mind___ of these people is the manipulation, the shocking selfishness, fake suicidal threats, obsession with the whole world apparently being against them, the narcissistic pretentiousness in how they will never ever give you a straight and logical answer, they use words a lot but never back them up with actions, they don't have demonstrable loyalty, a lot and a lot of outright lies, the amount of sex and drugs and stealing and stuff they do but blame it on the illness while refusing to try and change, and the unwillingness to take responsibility like a child having a bitter tantrum and trying to hurt you with hate, they can really get angry, they scratch themselves and they hit and they scream at their closest family that they hate them, and it doesn't take a lot to get them to forget the good about someone if they do one measly bad thing… Eventually it gets so tiresome and very annoying. Yeah. Annoying. Oh, and they will NEVER EVER EVER EVERRRR give you closure. Don't even go there…. Unless you want to have a soul destroying adventure into the emptiest parts of your soul. Actually this is something I'm proud of… But just check out the damaged souls on bpdfamily if you want to see what these people do to others. Incredibly morally wrong to leave people like that. I was lucky to be ___ed up already and strong enough to handle it and grow.

Anyway, with the bad out the way, the wonderful traits I mentioned before the mindfkk ones are real enough- kindness and so on- but in some ways she’s a carefully constructed image of “what men like/ what society expects of a good woman”. None of them are the full story and some are not so genuine. Of course they would like to think of themselves as such but it seriously hides the reality of intense narcissism, manipulative behaviour and sadism, along with raging anger and a serious “woe is me” complex. However, there is behind all of this a deep seated emptiness and inexplicable pain, feelings of worthlessness, lack of care for their own bodies, a need to love and be loved. It's not something you can fix. It will break you. Trust me.

Youll find that out soon enough though. Narcissism is a key thing here and you will find that this initial attentive and attractive image is a way in. Next is a girl that focuses on finding the crevasses and your emotional weaknesses. With your guard down she easily charms and seduces her way to you dropping your barriers, fast. She is in control. Not you. You're not even aware she's in your head, too focused on your sexual organ to care.

She’ll understand you, she’ll make you feel special and you’ll share all about you. You'll play the proud masculine owner of a cute, sweet and kind girl who needs your loyalty and your protection. You'll grow attached to an image she wants you to see.

Months on, she reveals her empty core. She hates you, she can't even feel its meaningful anymore. She feels way too empty now the lust has gone. She’s bored. Needs more. You don't understand why she has turned so cold, but she was perfect at the start, you would do anything to get that back, so you make concessions. But she doesn't respond to your talking, you have to make her feel like a goddess. You have to worship her and forget about your feelings if you want her to feel whole again.

You have to prove to her that its love, you have to make sure you move to her city, move in with her, don't look at other girls ever, make sure you never miss a call, or she will hate you. And she will lose interest in you. She needs more. Shell insult you and belittle you in anger, and during sex she will show disinterest unless it makes her feel powerful. You'll feel like a loser but you want to make her happy again, so you give up your pride.

You think you're playing the protective man but months of this love/hate will turn you into a shadow, chasing a fleeting image of ‘who she used to be’. And then she’ll smash this image when she tells you about her extremely extensive sexual past and cheating. And suddenly this cute helpless girl you were protecting is actually not at all helpless. She used you, and you are angry and hurt.

You try to express your anger and pain but she threatens to leave or hides and cries, tells you you're evil and cruel for shouting at her. She screams and threatens suicide if you insist on discussing, and soon you give up on trying and accept the cheating, accept that your pain is nothing compared to hers.

If you stay with her now, you lose all care about love and such. You become a sociopath just like her. You’ll normalize the idea of pain, and you'll want to cheat on her too. Not even to hurt her, but just because you've lost all care about your own being. Moral you is dead. You turn cruel and twisted too. You learn to switch off guilt and empathy, just like her. You long ago stopped crying. You pretend to yourself that you actually love testing yourself mentally, that you actually had a fetish all along for abusive relationships.

And it never gets better. You always feel angry, so does she. Can't shake it away. The relationship dies when you collapse, and she leaves you all alone, stranded and deep in the depths of the darkest depression. Or you get stubborn and leave her, at which point she threatens suicide. You have to lose. No one wins with a borderline. Maybe you like the fantasy, but just know that's exactly what it is, none of it matters and none of it is real. It's all a nightmare, and you can't save her. She's trapped in that nightmare for life. That's why you stay, but she can't help but spread her pain into you till you are just as empty as she.

(P.S. You can learn a lot from dating them though and the sex life is addictive… Just perhaps try not to fall in love- but it takes a sociopath to actually enjoy a lifetime of mind games and you'll lose friends who think you’ve changed and lost your mind, and you

[willkennedy]

But yeah, nice, attractive, charming and kind- at first she was wonderfully perfect, like I’d found my soulmate. That's how they appear.

History of childhood abuse, rape survivors, single parent households, depression, woe is me attitude, damsel in distress, emotionally childlike. Pretty easy to spot. I personally had a love/hate relationship with it. I miss the mindgames and the intelligent conversations and the drama and the intensity and the story and the way she could seduce me- but i also miss the ‘her’ I thought she began as. Her illness consumed that her though, so I fell out of love.

SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTY: 10/10

IF YOU LOVE HER AND CONTRIBUTE TO HER WELLBEING SHE’LL LOVE YOU BACK. BUT IF SHE HURTS YOU YOU MUSTN’T COMPLAIN. THERE’S NO PLACE FOR ANYTHING BUT THICK SKIN WITH A BPD. THEY NEED LOVE NO MATTER WHAT AND IN MANY WAYS YOU NEED TO GIVE UP YOUR PRIDE AND YOUR SANITY IF YOU WANT TO PROVIDE THAT. BUT REALLY- DON’T BE A PUNCHBAG. You're better than that.

Sadly, the biggest weakness you can have with a girl like this is an unshakeable belief in unconditional love. Means you will stubbornly let yourself be destroyed in the naivety that you can fix her. You’ll see this in her eyes when she suddenly loses her smile- inside her is a black hole- all the love you sacrifice to her swirls away into that vortex.

For masochists though, and those who want to see if they have what it takes to withstand Guantanamo Bay, this is the biggest ___ed up emotional roller coaster you’ll ever face, and your life after will never be the same. Welcome aboard, but you've been warned. ———-

actually no, harsh but true disclaimer: Unless you're a sociopath, this WILL hurt. So much. It may destroy you. Never ever attempt it as a first love or if you are lonely/depressed. In my case some of her exes killed themselves and she did not shed a tear. Saddest thing though? It's not their fault they're like this, that's child abuse for you.

BUT IT IS THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO SEEK HELP TO CHANGE. From my observation, they sometimes actually take a secret pride in being ‘dark’. Do not trust them when they tell you they cant change. They can if they care enough about you to seek help. They won't.

Advise them to get Dialectical Behaviour Therapy but let them go and don't look back. Break all contact and move on. They'll be fine and you are not responsible for their behaviour. They know how to survive. Your only focus now is to ensure that you do, too.

—-There you go, anyone interested. I've heard you can make it work if you want. Depends on how much you value yourself though. Are you happy to be with someone who will never truly be loyal? Is she truly someone who's been there for you when you need to talk, someone who wants to care for you and help you recover with true selflessness? You think she will? You can always test her: leave her and see if she follows.

When she doesn't——Just be free, there’s no closure. Good luck with your recovery. (: You deserve much more, and the sooner you realize that the quicker you'll leave that evil nightmare far behind. Why did you do all this in the first place anyway, you crazy fool? You know why- you have problems yourself and now you need to fix them.

The fact is a BPD relationship is never worth it unless they are willingly seeing a medical professional working hard to get better. Really, this is the only situation where it is ok. Nothing comes back from a black hole. NOT ADVISED.

Fascinating right?

Now for my present, for those who believe their beloved BPD is a danger to herself. Sure she is, but she WILL NOT KILL HERSELF AND SHE WILL BE OK. Her whole life she has learnt how to survive alone. She's an adult and responsible for her own life as you are for yours.

Anecdotally, I'll tell you what mine did when it ended, now that nearly 3 years have passed. She vanished, I was in a very very dark place. Depression, very deep attachment and very anxious. Huge sense of loss and pain. But I had wanted her to go, I knew it was wrong to keep going. No contact for 6 months. In fact she deleted her Facebook, did her best to pretend she was dead or something. I couldn't handle it, so I took a coach to Paris from London, didn't even care about money or booking a room. Slept under the Eiffel Tower in a bush. Couch surfed, met up with new people and tried to restart my life. Helped massively to do this.

Started uni, aged 21. One day her Facebook reappeared. I messaged her in December. She saw, replied: "was just dreaming of you. I've missed you". And I remembered I was terrified of her. She's crazy. They're all crazy. Didn't trust, partly didn't love her anymore, and so I pushed her away. Looked at her Facebook and saw she had liked lots of other guys' pictures. She had told me once she would wait for me if I left her. She claimed to have been with no one, like I hadn't. I had developed a kind of hate for relationships and had lost my self confidence.

Told her to go and that I'm too damaged to love her again. Stopped taking, then one day she changed her photo to one with her and another guy in bed. Swiftly deleted it but I saw. When asked her about it she admitted she had got with a new guy in September. Later found out she had slept with quite a few, while I was dwelling on her and waiting for 6 months, in case she kept her promise and came back to me.

When I was hurt and demanded closure, she made my life hell. I got a corneal ulcer in my eye and was in hospital at risk of blindness and she posted on Facebook her nights out with this guy, clearly to let me know she was sleeping with him too. She did the same thing when I told her my dad had a heart attack and was in hospital. I was so broken. So broken.

I got exchange to her city- Hong Kong- without telling her. She was suprised I came. Tried to get with me, but I couldn't resist telling her what an evil ---- she was. But I was so broke I just wanted to be close to someone. Needed to sleep with someone. So when it happened with her I tried to use it as recovery. She initiated- in a park when I was trying to talk, again another time, and at her place. But every time she would do something so belittling and sadistic. She would let me have sex then leave without a word, or get rage mode and say she never wanted to see me again, turn me on and do nothing... .generally be psychotic I'd ignore this- for me I didnt mind- just wanted to heal.

Just a power trip but sex helped. I got better. She stayed evil. Go.

[willkennedy]

Today, it's been 3 years since it ended. What is she like? Not too sure tbh. I think she has continued to destroy people but I don't really think she's happy. But she is fine. She once messaged me after I began to move on- sleeping with the image of the girl I once loved was enough closure for me and I had the confidence to close that chapter and start seeing new girls. I'd tried to love her but you can't force it when she makes herself impossible to respect. Had an amazing time in Hong Kong, China, Korea, Japan. Best year of my life. I got better. Away from her. The damage I took from her definitely impacts my relationships now and at first I feel bad but some girls I was definitely insensitive too and seeing elements of BPD in myself.

She messaged me because I was moving on. Unblocked me one day and sent me a message, saying she wanted to thank me for putting up with her being a horrible person, and that she missed me and blah blah. I ignored for a whole month. I was genuinely quite happily living my life now after all this time. Go thinking about her though (not always with my head brain) and decided to reply. Told her I didn't believe it anymore, that sex with others had covered up what we had like I warned her it would and that she should focus on herself. I sent her a picture of where I would be in Japan if she wanted to join me, but she never did.

I figure I showed I was no longer a fallback option. She doesn't seem that happy to me,
And I expect she will relapse one day and message me again. I don't think she's turned normal, so don't worry she'll be fine with another guy.
I'm not so sure. I just know she is selfish,
Always will be. This is BPD. Forget the girl you fell in love with. She is gone.

Yeah you'll miss her. Sometimes I still do. But if you let it happen you'll find that happiness is possible in less psychotic ways. She doesn't really love you. She can't. She just can't. Move forward and stop posting all these messages. This illness is only curable with professional medical support. If they refuse that, you need to let go.

[gotbushels]

Thank you for sharing willkennedy. A lot of it sounds horrific. I'm glad you're out of it. 

I found these parts very interesting.

In my case some of her exes killed themselves and she did not shed a tear. Saddest thing though? It's not their fault they're like this, that's child abuse for you.

BUT IT IS THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO SEEK HELP TO CHANGE. From my observation, they sometimes actually take a secret pride in being ‘dark’. Do not trust them when they tell you they cant change. They can if they care enough about you to seek help. They won't.

Advise them to get Dialectical Behaviour Therapy but let them go and don't look back. Break all contact and move on. They'll be fine and you are not responsible for their behaviour. They know how to survive. Your only focus now is to ensure that you do, too.

I also like your honest thoughts about what you specifically found interesting about this person and the realistic views you took from those things.

[once removed]

hi willkennedy,

i think its important to remember that, although we all experienced similar behaviors in our relationships, our experience is our experience - unique, and not the same as anyone elses. our partners vary, we vary, the relationship break down varies, and the lessons for us to learn vary.

its been three years. in that time youve been through a lot - darkness and depression, missing her, months of no contact, reaching out for closure, reunions for sex, wavering between plans of revenge, and extending an invitation for her to spend time with you.

i think anyone can see that this has been a painful experience for you. youve been through a lot. lets keep the focus on you here - where do you see yourself in the five stages of detachment to the right?

[willkennedy]

Thank you for your responses. I do appreciate that you read my long post. I have a similarly long one now in answer to your question. Apologies for its length and a deeply personal nature, and I also will say that I have allowed myself to truthfully express some of the darker feelings I sadly developed too. But I hope contained within are some lessons I should have learnt before. Mostly, try not to do what I did, but perhaps a clearer guide to the road to closure.

I will begin by returning to my first year apart from her. I went to Europe, 6 months painful no contact, thinking she was rotting away, might be dead. Refused to move on. She reappeared half way through my first uni year. We reconnected. She lied she stayed single and loved me so much, missed me, missed sex with me. I realised my fear of her. Told her I didn't like sex. Hadn't been with any girl since. Waited for her to come and see me like she promised she would if I left her. Told her how hurt I was. How broken. Saw she had liked new guys' photos on her facebook. Felt hurt. Asked about them. She laughed and said I was being too sensitive. Said she hadn't slept with anyone, she loved me. I felt so happy to hear this, but didn't trust her. Felt too rubbish about myself to accept she liked all those guys while I had basically mourned her 'death'. Said I was too broken to have her back. Stopped talking. Waited. A couple weeks later, she revealed her new guy and the others she'd ed all along, and I later found out she had went to music events and stuff while I was living like a homeless man in Paris. I was so ing hurt. I just wanted answers. Needed to work out how to come to terms with this. Oh My God... .Memories. Get ready for a journey back to hell... .-_-

Emails to her: Try at first to be kind, even when angry beyond measure. I'd send an insult followed by an apology. I genuinely felt bad for saying such bad things to her! Why? I don't know, I was a good person? Thank  my ego saved me from this nonsense soon enough. Instinct is a wonderful thing.

Next an anger followed by submission and a message about how rubbish I am and how hopeless. I began to notice a pattern between a submissive depressive message from me and her willingness to reply to me. I knew how degrading it was for me but it was the only way to prolong the conversation at hope of getting some kind of justice / closure. Yes it was torture for me. Torture.

But of course this only built up my feelings of intense hate for her pleasure in my weakness and my loneliness, so my pride kept on fighting back at what I was doing. I would try the hopeless sap approach and soon follow it up with a barrage of all the hate I had for the evil thing I felt she was.

Eventually my entire first year of uni was nearly over and spoiled by her. So I had to submit more and more as I got increasingly desperate for the contact to end. I wanted closure that I could use, perhaps as a placebo effect that I could use to heal my ego.

At first I wanted a deep, in depth apology with a full explanation and a true account of why she did what she did to me. When that was never, EVER forthcoming, I changed it to financial compensation, in part to (yeah I know), make her feel like I viewed her as a prostitute who gave me bad service (refrained from telling her this, I think, maybe not, I'm stubborn). Just wanted to reduce the relationship memory from one of love to one with emotionless monetary value. Then finally I settled on asking for only two things of sentimental value that I had given to her: Her half of our photographs together, and a stuffed toy (wait a second haha) that I had gifted to her when we met the first time- it was my first ever thing my parents had given to me when I was born. I stupidly gave it to her the first time we met. I guess I wanted to take away her right to remembering I once loved her that much. Plus I decided a thing like that should go to my future kid or something, not her. I know this seems silly but I needed something for closure. Then came my eye ulcer and my exam period, my dad's heart attack and I lost all ego in desperation. I told her how pathetic I was, how I knew I would die alone, how I'm just a shy loser who wants to go blind and die. And what do you know: she replies along the lines of: “I know we both made mistakes but we can work together and make it better again.”

Evil, evil, evil human being I thought. I think I tried to stay pathetic but failed again (I love my ego, he's a stubborn saviour), and while I went through exams and huge eye pain, and of course depression and mental, I cried and panicked nightly at the terrifying weight on my chest that sat the blackest dog. I was treated to photos of the new couple, who continued to  even while I messaged her these things. She literally refused to stop doing it when I asked, not even for a while.

A Pause For a While: I have plenty more to come. I understand these people are human, but how this matters in any way whatsoever became a mystery to me. Hitler was human too and I read he may have been BPD. Research suggests many top CEO's and warmongers may be psychopathic. Life is sacred, but what about when these people care nothing for yours? Is it truly moral to condone them? Really? Just putting that out there, for your contemplation. I think it encourages them. (Darkness in me).:/

Threats and anger didn't work. Civility and kindness didn't work. Pathetic pleas and submission with compliments didn't work. BEGGING and pure SELF ESTEEM DESTRUCTION worked! I simply could not term these people anything other than deeply evil and it certainly made me less liberal minded. (Yes, this person, but I have my feelings encouraged from reading others' equally horrific stories) You can make your own mind up about that though. I will just say I am trying my best to be objective and honest and reporting what happened as it actually, empirically happened.

[willkennedy]

Remember I once deeply adored her. But now I struggle/d to defend her right to a good life when so many innocent people die each day. Sad, right? She wants to work for the Hong Kong government. Terrifying, terrifying thought. Wow. I really, truly hate that I began to think this way, this darkness. But I wanted so much for her to prove me wrong. Show her kindness and care. But I began to see how she grew as I fell. She thrived on my self worth dissolving into nothingness. Always has.-----------------

Yeah, so my dad had a heart attack and this was a few months apart from the near blindness. Fate hated me a lot that year. I would shake and I would cry myself to sleep and I would panic and panic. Suicide crossed my mind multiple times each day. I told her, she still hadn't returned me my stuff. It's all I needed. I thought: this is so bad, and my dad is the reason we even met. He's the only one that respected my wish to go see her despite what the rest of my family had seen me become at just 19. I MET and LIKED her dad. She must help me now my own dad's life is at risk I thought. Nope, more sex with new man. Seriously, you guys make up your minds about this. I sincerely hope she is a one off, but wonder how many people have been as stubborn as me to push them so hard, in order to find out their core. Uni first year ended, I did well, my grades. I must be more stubborn than ever I knew.--

   Finally my stuff arrived at home one day, after the whole year was over. Of course I didn't have justice. And my ego is a stubborn, stubborn pride. She had no right to reduce me to a worthless, anxious prisoner, frightened to get my revenge. Yes, I wanted revenge. Not justice, revenge. I was still broken, a year after an equally painful relationship. She purposely destroyed me so SHE could move forward and feel powerful watching me squirm. She was willing to let me go blind and my dad die so SHE could win. (He didn't die, thankfully, but she doesn't know that). ___, what a wakeup call for my view on human life. That's all I'll say.

But--- my ego isn't evil. No point in becoming her just to hurt other people. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to forget her, erase her, rewind time and give old me to someone kind and beautiful. I couldn't help but face the stark reality that I had created her ego. I built her from someone pathetic in need of my love, to some towering supreme power, made her feel sexy, holding the ransom for the shadow she had reduced me to. I know I created this monster. I fed her my passion till she stole it from my soul, bled me dry.

Wow, writing this is hard... .But I'm less sensitive nowadays so it's not making me anxious anymore. I miss being anxious though. I miss all strong emotions... .:/

Anyway, I covered the sex in Hong Kong. Got back there, was a mess really. My self esteem was rock bottom, BUT I now had something to be proud of too. I had won a little. I DIDN'T fall, didn't rot away. I was back in Hong Kong, broken and weary but I was back and had an opportunity to rebuild.

Now for the twist: In a way I value very deeply how evil she became in my eyes. I value the shockingly cruel ways she would debase herself in my eyes. The guilt and apologies I felt before when I said something insensitive to her? No longer a problem. I felt it would be deeply immoral to give her apologies, to condone who she was being. So I also felt no obligation to be honest to her about my intentions. She wants to ___ a new guy when I make her angry? Great, go ahead, I thought. Please, keep doing it, over and over, destroy my love and my desire for you, please. Do it, I thought. ___ more, debase yourself in my eyes my once so beautiful, beautiful angel. Destroy my love for you, please. Destroy yourself in my eyes so I can never, ever forgive you or want you back.

Yep, these are the thoughts of a dark and twisted depression I had. Just so you know, the way I type about these things doesn't reflect my anger now. It's more me tuning into how I felt about it back then. I'm much better than back then.

I wanted to heal, so I wanted to see her. I was way way way too damaged, way too numb to fall in love again, so, haha, what's there to lose? A man who has died so many times inside no longer fears death. Perfect. So I didn't care for caution, I spent September, start of my new UNIVERSITY term trying to see her. I even slept outside a lot in the Summer mosquito humidity with a newspaper for a pillow just so she couldn't use the excuse of me being too far away. So when I did see her, I felt a kind of wild dog's pride in my dirty clothes and unkempt hair. Haha, I wanted her to see what she had done to me. Wanted it to scare her, what she had done to someone she claimed to love. Who I had become. Didn't want to get better, because then she would take credit for it. It would let her off the hook.

[willkennedy]

Anyway, the sex: I let her initiate, although I could tell she was cautious, because I had once told the police what she was doing to me in an attempt to get her to give my stuff back- (then removed the statement when I feared for HER punishment- she didn't thank me, no)- which I'm pretty sure she did, but as a guy its hard to accept that perhaps I was abused I guess. I don't know. But yeah, I was dark and twisted now, so it was ok if she abused me more.

She turned me on in the park while I was trying to talk and had sex there. She went and got a taxi then instead of talking with me. Left me sitting in the park at 2 in the morning. Didn't know what to feel. I was so damaged jesus... .Next time took some time to happen because I couldn't help letting loose my anger about what I thought about her in texts and emails. But soon it happened again, and this time she stopped me mid sex, and smirked coldly when she said “No, you're not allowed to do it anymore. I don't want it”. I hesitated, but not that much... but then she encouraged me again. Yeah, I know how fine a line that was. And how bad it was too. But let her dehumanise me again? No... .Wow, I know what I just said. Just being honest though.

After the unfinished sex when she decided she “had enough now” we walked a while till suddenly she said she hated me, but I got my first smug satisfaction when she said I don't deserve to be on exchange year, and I said “That's karma” with a smile. She stormed off after screeching at me. About a couple weeks later she finally invited me over to hers, this time I had a kind of upper hand in my mentality. I was stronger. Knowing I was able to have sex again, after the darkest kind of abusive fantasy with her, showing I could have sex again I was confident enough to tentatively start seeing another girl, and we would go for meals and walks together. (I'd become fearful that I could even ever enjoy sex again, now that I associated it with her. I seriously feared to get with girls for a whole year since her because I thought I was too broken and was terrified to make a fool of myself. I know. It's scary that I once thought so lowly of myself)

But back to the ex: We'd went for a meal the day before: an incredibly awful one where we both sat in fuming hate opposite each other and talked like 'good friends', about her exes and other fun topics! Amazing mind games. I had slept in the park the day before and didn't bother to change clothes, she didn't comment on the dirt mark on my hoodie and the circles of depression under my eyes and instead took me hat shopping where she would cheerfully and excitedly try on hats and ask “how do I look?” and tell me about her trip next week to some male friends in Beijing. I stuck it out in silence but I was singing quietly to myself like a maniac the whole time. She didn't comment on it till later.

We sat down later and as she was telling me about her “cute little cousin”, obliviously happy, she suddenly asked with genuine bitter annoyance why I was singing, why I was mumbling when I answered her, why I was being so quiet and so miserable- I told her that my older brother was in hospital at risk of losing his nerve endings, risk of paralysis- true. (Again, he's now fine. What is up with my family and illnesses?)  The look on her face. Compassion?, no not really, more like fear of having to feel guilty. Then anger, and she wanted to go. Took me to the bus stop then walked off without a look back.

Next day she got in touch asking to meet up after saying we should never meet again. I said something like: “Great, I love walking over and over into a lion's den!” and she got angry... .Said “this was a mistake, lets not meet” and I was like “sure, I've got friends who want to hang out tonight anyway”.  This was a new, stronger me. About an hour later when I sent no more messages to her, she text me again saying her place was empty tonight and I can come over if I want. I did.

She was being 'nice'. She got me a cushion to sit against on her bed. She put some music on and showed me a music video she liked on her phone, started practising on her guitar, took my shoes off for me. I didn't want her to be nice I thought. Against all had happened though I tried to show appreciation for this nice her. Stage 1 again right? Aha. But I couldn't really talk about anything else could I? I could talk about the music video and I could ask her about her work, but I couldn't talk about what I truly needed. What was eating me up inside, bringing my tears to the surface while I sat there in her bed, propped up against a pillow: “Why did you do this to me? Look at me, please, and tell me why did you hurt me so much ? Why did you leave me alone when I was going blind, why did you hurt me so much when I was terrified my dad was going to die?”. I couldn't say it, and I just cried on the bed. I know she saw me upset. I know she knew what I wanted to ask. But right now was the first time she had been nice to me again and I didn't want to ruin it. I wanted her to be nice to me like the girl I used to love, all that long long time ago. So I just watched her quietly with tears in my eyes, lay back on her pillow. Watched her play guitar.

Bed, and I didn't initiate sex. She lay close to me though, wrapped herself around me till I wanted to. But, and perhaps you noticed this already, but our sex dynamic: I needed permission. It didn't use to be this way. I was genuinely worried to initiate. She had made it feel so unnatural. I touched her though and she responded immediately. Only when I made sure in her mind that she wasn't abusing me again (ha) did she get involved. And we did it, till she got tired again. Haha, but another win for me again is: I didn't finish. Couldn't. Don't mean to be graphic, but what I mean is, although it began excitingly twisted enough, as we went on I began to view her differently. I was the man, she was just a pathetic and twisted girl who needed me to like it to feel worthy. And I began to get less excited. And just couldn't finish. We stopped and with an anger but attempt to not feel like she failed, she decided she now wanted to go to sleep. But I was happier now. I made her realise evil is not sexy.

[willkennedy]

Most importantly, I had done it. I had finished my mission. All this time I had mourned the loss of my beautiful, beautiful first love. She wasn't perfect, but when we first met I fell for her so hard, back in 2012, when we joked about how the world was going to end that year. And it didn't, and I told her I loved her, wanted to see her. She would come to Europe, to London, and at the end of the year I would come to Hong Kong. And I worked night and day to make it work, and one day we would prove that, though we were only 19 back then, we would prove that the world is not too big, that there could be no barrier for what we had. And I loved her so so much. I was mortified to watch her slipping away from me, so I stayed until we died. Stayed even after I had died inside. What did I do to myself... .Of course she changed from then before we even made it back to Hong Kong and by the time I met her the spark was already dying, as was my soul. But when we broke up in 2014 I didn't get with another girl, I didn't even when she ___ed someone else. Because I felt that, even though the girl I loved died long ago, I hadn't fulfilled my promise to her. That we would be together one day, against all odds... .The naivety of unconditional, stupid love... .Never did I know that all odds would be my sanity. But when I was back, again in her bedroom, 3 years after everything was deeply, infinitely destroyed, and my mind was nothing but a mental asylum for what remained of my sanity, sleeping with her brought a sense of quiet fulfilment, that somewhere, deep behind the evil, evil person that had took her away, perhaps in an alternate universe I had made her proud. Against all odds I had proved that my naïve first love was something I wouldn't let die without fulfilment. I had finally, finally, ended our love story that was never to be. The soul mate illusion that lasted a few months back in 2012. Now I could grow... .At last.

Fast epilogue: next morning, of course she was cold and nasty. And I started to edge away when first term was over. I went to China and again threw caution to the wind. Of course it was dangerous again, but so what? I met a girl in mainland China, and she was normal, and she was kind and sweet to me. She surprised me when I saw that she had a film list full of foreign films, I loved that she was open minded- she even used Facebook! Haha. We had a crazy weekend and I marvelled at this crazy crazy world that was China. China. As crazy as me. I loved it. This girl helped me throughout my travels, calling me up to check on me while I traipsed around different cities. I even ended up in Shanghai over Christmas with literally zero money left. Survived, though I'm not quite sure how. Got back and started dating this girl, and while we didn't last forever, she is a dear friend, and she helped me heal beyond compare, though my 'shockwaves' of BPD hurt her at times. I mean, I have troubles with commitment now, but I feel much better after her. At first I was psychotic but this new girl I had! motivated me to shave, wash my clothes, sharpen up etc. hahaha. I later went to Korea and then Japan. I slept with some more girls. Life felt so much better now.

And I mentioned to you that she messaged me. I know she must have hated to see me moving on. I started to use my Facebook again and would put public posts up of my adventures in China and Hong Kong with my new girl. I was partly point scoring but at the same time I was genuinely happy for the first time in 3 years. I love this girl so much for what she did for me. Almost as much as my finally satisfied ego haha. He's relatively chill now.

Not quite though, and sorry to finally answer your question at the end of this. Where am I on the stage on the right? I guess I'm still stage 4. Just about. Actually, as my 3rd Uni year approaches, I find that I have a fear. That I could go back to who I was before in first year. Obviously that scares me, so I have decided to defer a year, one more, and go back to Asia to work some more: both in a financial and experiential way but also on myself. This is for two reasons: to genuinely cement my self esteem back to a stable level, and yes, I admit, to have the opportunity to completely show to my evil ex that I am STILL having the time of my life, WITHOUT her. Hopefully, I'll grow past that this year.

Thank you all so much if you had the patience to read this quite self absorbed piece. I only, and genuinely hope, that it has provided an account of a life that can happen after leaving a BPD relationship, and I hope when you read how I handled what happened to me that you are able to spot my mistakes and perhaps my positive turning points too. I hope that you can learn from me, perhaps to be less stubborn and hurt yourself less. Or maybe it will guide you into reconsidering your original views on BPD, as I do feel that perhaps I was crazy enough to delve as deep as possible into that world. I still don't know what to make of the disorder. I suppose what I can see in reflection is that the ego plays such a huge part for me in this. I really, really needed something to give me a sense of justice, and of peace. I was terrified to have lost so much yet to be left so low in the manner I was. For me, I found a way to justify the pain, when I was lucky enough to go on exchange, able to have sex with the Image- because that's all that remains- of the girl I once promised to love, and able to see her for what she was, watch her become someone I could no longer forgive or desire, and finally find new care for some people along the way whom I owe my life today to. I wish so much that anyone suffering like I was is able to break free too. I hate that anybody should ever have to go through this alone. As a first serious love too... .Awful experience when you haven't learned how to see the faults in unconditional love.

My next step is to go back to Asia one more time and try to end this on a high, and fingers crossed, the fifth and final step. I never ever envisioned that I could reach this level of recovery when I was begging for release only last year. Writing that reminded my ego that he's still annoyed... .One more year.

Hope my crazy story does some good.

Good luck, all, and thank you for reading.