Really feeling like it's over.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I really think it's over.

I watched the same dynamic for 20 years
when growing up. My father suffering because my mother made up some imaginary scenario about him cheating, or about X or Y being his fault, always had to be him.

I watched how she seemed to enjoy it too. Almost as if whenever things were too calm, and we were all eating breakfast peacefully she'd think, "you know, it's time to make my husband's life hell".

I saw her drill my dad's head, leave, and then, as if she didn't have enough, come back with the same crap. No amount of explanations, logic,no matter how reasonable, worked with her. You just had to take her bullPLEASE READ until she decided to shut up.

I too was subjected to this treatment. She couldn't take no for an answer. If I did, she'd throw a tantrum about how I was a bad son and how saying no or disagreeing was bad. I learned from my lovely mother, that whenever she's talking, it's best to crank your brain's static noise all the way up and just say yes.

I was stuck in that predicament for a long time. Observer and victim, depending on if she needed me to be her obedient son.

I found her . I was happy. I was blissfully ignorant. "She'll change" I used to think. "She's not like my mother", I used to think as the red flags popped up. Red flags that felt familiar. Behaviours, expressions, that left me thinking "I've seen this somewhere".  But things moved fast, before I knew it, we were set on marriage and already living together.

The rest, there's probably enough stories about that on this forum.

But today, I came to realize something crazy, something truly surprising. That she's just like my mom. And then things started surfacing. How she was treating me. How unfair she was with me. How she demanded but didn't deliver. How she'd never take accountability, and when she did, it was just because it was what "had to be said", in order to put the actual problem to rest, kiss, be all giddy, and go back to normal. Did things ever come from her end? Did she ever feel guilty? Did she ever cared about my feelings? Or only if not "caring" led to me leaving her?

30 missed calls. Threats of suicide. Ah. I know that one too well. Saw it for 20 years! The cheap sabotage my mom did on my father and me, to boot.

All that "mature" facade, just a lie. She was always the same underneath. Just waiting for her boredom to prompt it, or a disagreement, or whatever feeling, no matter how little.

I really don't think I can keep going. And I don't know if this is not accepted here or not, but I really hate manipulation. Let alone, manipulation done just for selfish reasons. They get to feel better for one instant, at the cost of you feeling like garbage for days, for no reason. What great traders we are huh?. These are the people who "love you".

[WarpedSelf99]

I really think it's over.

I watched the same dynamic for 20 years
when growing up. My father suffering because my mother made up some imaginary scenario about him cheating, or about X or Y being his fault, always had to be him.

I watched how she seemed to enjoy it too. Almost as if whenever things were too calm, and we were all eating breakfast peacefully she'd think, "you know, it's time to make my husband's life hell".

I saw her drill my dad's head, leave, and then, as if she didn't have enough, come back with the same crap. No amount of explanations, logic,no matter how reasonable, worked with her. You just had to take her bullPLEASE READ until she decided to shut up.

I too was subjected to this treatment. She couldn't take no for an answer. If I did, she'd throw a tantrum about how I was a bad son and how saying no or disagreeing was bad. I learned from my lovely mother, that whenever she's talking, it's best to crank your brain's static noise all the way up and just say yes.

I was stuck in that predicament for a long time. Observer and victim, depending on if she needed me to be her obedient son.

I found her . I was happy. I was blissfully ignorant. "She'll change" I used to think. "She's not like my mother", I used to think as the red flags popped up. Red flags that felt familiar. Behaviours, expressions, that left me thinking "I've seen this somewhere".  But things moved fast, before I knew it, we were set on marriage and already living together.

The rest, there's probably enough stories about that on this forum.

But today, I came to realize something crazy, something truly surprising. That she's just like my mom. And then things started surfacing. How she was treating me. How unfair she was with me. How she demanded but didn't deliver. How she'd never take accountability, and when she did, it was just because it was what "had to be said", in order to put the actual problem to rest, kiss, be all giddy, and go back to normal. Did things ever come from her end? Did she ever feel guilty? Did she ever cared about my feelings? Or only if not "caring" led to me leaving her?

30 missed calls. Threats of suicide. Ah. I know that one too well. Saw it for 20 years! The cheap sabotage my mom did on my father and me, to boot.

All that "mature" facade, just a lie. She was always the same underneath. Just waiting for her boredom to prompt it, or a disagreement, or whatever feeling, no matter how little.

I really don't think I can keep going. And I don't know if this is not accepted here or not, but I really hate manipulation. Let alone, manipulation done just for selfish reasons. They get to feel better for one instant, at the cost of you feeling like garbage for days, for no reason. What great traders we are huh?. These are the people who "love you".

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and your story rings true with my experiences- I had a BPD ex-wife I was married to for 23 years, plus a BPD daughter with her.  It took me over 15 years to realize that mom was just like our kid- it presented differently but it was ultimately the same beast. 

There were red flags even before we married, but I straight up ignored them thinking love would conquer all.

I'm glad you took some time to vent and hopefully you felt better letting some of that out.  As far as what's accepted here, you can write pretty much anything about the relationship as long as you don't name names and it's nothing too graphic.  We're here to listen and help however we can.

Can I ask, how long have you been married?  What happened recently that brought you here- was it one huge thing, or several smaller things just building up?  Talk that out with us some and let's see if we can find you some areas to help.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!  You will find many here who have walked in your shoes, "been there and experienced that".  The peer support here, though remote and anonymous, is so very helpful, you're not alone.

While what we've experienced matches with the typical behavior patterns of BPD, we've come to realize that there are relatively few times we learn of an actual diagnosis.  Do not be discouraged by this.  Your own experiences and conclusions are not to be discounted or invalidated.

[WarpedSelf99]

Can I ask, how long have you been married?  What happened recently that brought you here- was it one huge thing, or several smaller things just building up?  Talk that out with us some and let's see if we can find you some areas to help.

Hey Pook. I wrote this over 2 months now. What happened at the time was a big flare up. I don't even know what the ** happened at the time, or what was the real reason, most of the times, it's just irrelevant I think. But just that she was doing the classic circular arguing and it just reminded me of my mom. I was done, I fought back for once, instead of taking it in, and then a big display of craziness ensued.

We are not married yet, I'm on the fence due to this exactly, fear that she'll morph into something else as soon as she knows she's "got me". Or fear that it will just be dormant inside her, waiting for the right moment, for me to get sick or for stress to come.

We ended up going to couples therapy. That worked good, for a while. But there's just something off about it. Yesterday I had a terrible day, not her fault, and I wasn't as communicative as I should have, although I wasn't against talking, just wanted some time. That really set her off, triggering the usual response of "I feel like you don't love me", "You don't give me enough of your time", "We haven't been together", "You aren't showing me you love me daily", "You aren't doing X thing (as I want to)", and a bunch of other crap that could be synthesized into "Me-me-me".

We don't have lots of pety problems like some other guys have it (or my father I guess). It's just that every once in a while, I'll have a really crappy day where I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like spending time with her, I don't feel like doing X or Y that she wants me to do, and she will just lash out, as if I was a horrible person and never loved her. It just gets tiring. I'm not asking for much, for her to treat me like royalty or submit to my whims on those days, just to be given some compassion. Just feels like I have to be Mr. Perfect, and if I'm not, she resents me for it, even if she doesn't openly say it most of the time.

[ForeverDad]

We are not married yet, I'm on the fence due to this exactly, fear that she'll morph into something else as soon as she knows she's "got me". Or fear that it will just be dormant inside her, waiting for the right moment, for me to get sick or for stress to come.

We ended up going to couples therapy. That worked good, for a while. But there's just something off about it.

The fact that you lived in a dysfunctional home during your childhood has influenced your perceptions to some extent, where you are likely gravitate toward similar situations and relationships.  What you've described indicates that you can't trust yourself to be fully objective when choosing a long term (marital) relationship.

Understand that couples counseling has a purpose... to enable the relationship to be repaired sufficiently to perhaps succeed.  However, you need a counselor or therapist for yourself, one who has a goal to watch out for and guide YOUR interests.

You are aware that you've come from a problematic childhood, you don't want to choose someone who will likely perpetuate that pattern into the future.  Sorry.  Just calling it as what it appears to be... from someone who's "done that, lived that".