Has anyone gotten full custody?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ok so before anything I want my child to have a relationship with his father , he can visit anytime. But seeing we live in different countries and he's unstable having sole custody makes
 more sense


Has anyone here got full custody ?

[Dontknow88]

Ok so before anything I want my child to have a relationship with his father , he can visit anytime. But seeing we live in different countries and he's unstable having sole custody makes
 more sense


Has anyone here got full custody ?

[ForeverDad]

Some of us have.  Generally though, it is difficult to obtain because the courts prefer to have joint custody with both parents involved or at least able to feel involved.  Full custody is more likely if the other parent is seen to display risks of child abuse, neglect or endangerment.  Sometimes also, such as in my case, continuing obstruction and disparagement can be enough.  Courts expect the conflict during separation and divorce to fade as time passes and the two parents settle into their separate lives.  Our cases where acting-out PD patterns persist eventually force the courts to conclude the crazy-making needs to be addressed long term.

I don't know which two countries you're talking about so here in peer support we may be limited in expressing our ideas and suggestions.  Do get local legal advice.  Choose a proactive experienced attorney.  Most of us dealing with an obstructive Ex needed much more than a forms filing, hand holding attorney, we needed one with experience, strategies and a proactive approach.

What if you try for full custody and the court still prefers joint custody?  All is not lost.  First, realize that many courts separate legal custody from physical custody and parenting time.  So 'legal' usually applies to the big decisions such as medical, school and religious decisions.  If it is joint and your Ex disagrees with you, typically that ends up going to mediation and if still unresolved then back to court.  That can take months and a lot of money.  So look now to minimize long term issues in advance.

• Try to be declared the Primary Parent.  That typically includes majority parenting time.
• Try to be declared the Residential Parent.  There are multiple benefits, (1) if you move, then the court will almost certainly agree the children move with you, (2) the children attend schools in your area and (3) schools will contact you first with any issues.
• If you cannot get full custody then try to get Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  This may not prevent your Ex from contesting your decisions in mediation or court, but it does allow you to proceed after the initial disagreement and not have to wait months for court to make a decision.
• Joint custody with you having DM or TB status still allows him to feel a parent and posture to others that he is a parent with joint custody.

[sanemom]

Yes, but it was after 6 years of bad behavior and tons of documentation of court appointed professionals.

If you are concerned, get some people appointed to manage and document what is going on--they can't behave long term, but they may be able to behave for enough time before the first hearing.  Over the years it may help... .

[Dontknow88]

Some of us have.  Generally though, it is difficult to obtain because the courts prefer to have joint custody with both parents involved or at least able to feel involved.  Full custody is more likely if the other parent is seen to display risks of child abuse, neglect or endangerment.  Sometimes also, such as in my case, continuing obstruction and disparagement can be enough.  Courts expect the conflict during separation and divorce to fade as time passes and the two parents settle into their separate lives.  Our cases where acting-out PD patterns persist eventually force the courts to conclude the crazy-making needs to be addressed long term.

I don't know which two countries you're talking about so here in peer support we may be limited in expressing our ideas and suggestions.  Do get local legal advice.  Choose a proactive experienced attorney.  Most of us dealing with an obstructive Ex needed much more than a forms filing, hand holding attorney, we needed one with experience, strategies and a proactive approach.

What if you try for full custody and the court still prefers joint custody?  All is not lost.  First, realize that many courts separate legal custody from physical custody and parenting time.  So 'legal' usually applies to the big decisions such as medical, school and religious decisions.  If it is joint and your Ex disagrees with you, typically that ends up going to mediation and if still unresolved then back to court.  That can take months and a lot of money.  So look now to minimize long term issues in advance.

• Try to be declared the Primary Parent.  That typically includes majority parenting time.
• Try to be declared the Residential Parent.  There are multiple benefits, (1) if you move, then the court will almost certainly agree the children move with you, (2) the children attend schools in your area and (3) schools will contact you first with any issues.
• If you cannot get full custody then try to get Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  This may not prevent your Ex from contesting your decisions in mediation or court, but it does allow you to proceed after the initial disagreement and not have to wait months for court to make a decision.
• Joint custody with you having DM or TB status still allows him to feel a parent and posture to others that he is a parent with joint custody.

Even when he self harms about 3 times s week cause he says that's the only way to let stress "out"? Has serious anger issues?, thinking has no logic most of the time? And literally bangs his head with his fist saying "I deserve to die"? Openly talks about how he would hill others? I fear for my sons life, even my own.

[ForeverDad]

Full custody is more likely if the other parent is seen to display risks of child abuse, neglect or endangerment.

Even when he self harms about 3 times a week cause he says that's the only way to let stress "out"?  Has serious anger issues?, thinking has no logic most of the time?  And literally bangs his head with his fist saying "I deserve to die"?  Openly talks about how he would kill others?  I fear for my sons life, even my own.

Then you need to report your documented concerns to the court.  It's okay to request protection and monitoring or supervised contact.  I say 'documented' because if it's just your word against his denials it could all be perceived by the professionals as "he said, she said" and be minimized as hearsay that isn't very 'actionable'.

Typically the conflict and misbehaviors are worse the closer the relationship.  Distance ought to limit the poor behaviors.  However, it doesn't mean the other person is better or okay, if you get close again then the patterns will break out again unless he's in intensive and progressing therapy.  Without effective therapy, history is a good predictor of the future.

[Dontknow88]

Full custody is more likely if the other parent is seen to display risks of child abuse, neglect or endangerment.

Even when he self harms about 3 times a week cause he says that's the only way to let stress "out"?  Has serious anger issues?, thinking has no logic most of the time?  And literally bangs his head with his fist saying "I deserve to die"?  Openly talks about how he would kill others?  I fear for my sons life, even my own.

Then you need to report your documented concerns to the court.  It's okay to request protection and monitoring or supervised contact.  I say 'documented' because if it's just your word against his denials it could all be perceived by the professionals as "he said, she said" and be minimized as hearsay that isn't very 'actionable'.

Typically the conflict and misbehaviors are worse the closer the relationship.  Distance ought to limit the poor behaviors.  However, it doesn't mean the other person is better or okay, if you get close again then the patterns will break out again unless he's in intensive and progressing therapy.  Without effective therapy, history is a good predictor of the future.

Yes I have emails and videos to back it up, we were very close and now I know tha can't happen again. Thank you

[david]

If you have rock solid evidence I would think full custody is possible. I would offer supervised visitation with conditions. Conditions could be counseling for him and if he fails to go he is unable to see child, even supervised visitation. Also, the supervisor needs to be aware of his issues and have the authority to end visitation if he isn't able to follow the conditions of visitation: behavior in front of child, what he is saying in front of child, etc. Now is the time to make a strong boundary for the child's safety and welfare.

[Dontknow88]

If you have rock solid evidence I would think full custody is possible. I would offer supervised visitation with conditions. Conditions could be counseling for him and if he fails to go he is unable to see child, even supervised visitation. Also, the supervisor needs to be aware of his issues and have the authority to end visitation if he isn't able to follow the conditions of visitation: behavior in front of child, what he is saying in front of child, etc. Now is the time to make a strong boundary for the child's safety and welfare.

Thanks David that's a great idea, I'll surly say that. See I didn't know I could do that. I'm terribly frightened

[david]

My ex ran away in 2007. She knew the rules of the "game" better then me since she was married before.
I trusted my attorney with taking care of things. It took three years but I finally learned how the game is played and found a good attorney. My first attorney went through the motions, never seemed prepared, charged for every little thing, and never helped me understand what I could and could not expect in my county. My second attorney was always prepared, didn't charge for every conversation and took the time to explain things to me (he charged more per hour but didn't charge for every little thing so he actually was less expensive), and explained how my county usually worked things and what to expect.
In the beginning I had no idea what to expect. Eventually I realized court is a big negotiation of sorts. Ask for much more than you want and settle for what you want. Both parties need to "win" and that is how the other side gets to win.
With the evidence that you have indicated then you should be comfortable in getting what you want. Ex has to disprove your evidence.
The courts are supposed to look out for the best interest of the child. You need to present the evidence in a way that shows what is best for the child. To a large degree, your fears for yourself are irrelevant. Your fears for the child, backed by evidence, are not. You are asking the court to help you keep the child safe from an adult that has shown, through the evidence, that he is a danger to the child. At the same time you don't want to punish the child's' father by being punitive towards him. If he can show he is making progress in his behaviors and actions the courts will be willing to change things at a later time. That is up to him. More than likely he will not change but that is for another day.

[Dontknow88]

My ex ran away in 2007. She knew the rules of the "game" better then me since she was married before.
I trusted my attorney with taking care of things. It took three years but I finally learned how the game is played and found a good attorney. My first attorney went through the motions, never seemed prepared, charged for every little thing, and never helped me understand what I could and could not expect in my county. My second attorney was always prepared, didn't charge for every conversation and took the time to explain things to me (he charged more per hour but didn't charge for every little thing so he actually was less expensive), and explained how my county usually worked things and what to expect.
In the beginning I had no idea what to expect. Eventually I realized court is a big negotiation of sorts. Ask for much more than you want and settle for what you want. Both parties need to "win" and that is how the other side gets to win.
With the evidence that you have indicated then you should be comfortable in getting what you want. Ex has to disprove your evidence.
The courts are supposed to look out for the best interest of the child. You need to present the evidence in a way that shows what is best for the child. To a large degree, your fears for yourself are irrelevant. Your fears for the child, backed by evidence, are not. You are asking the court to help you keep the child safe from an adult that has shown, through the evidence, that he is a danger to the child. At the same time you don't want to punish the child's' father by being punitive towards him. If he can show he is making progress in his behaviors and actions the courts will be willing to change things at a later time. That is up to him. More than likely he will not change but that is for another day.

Very informative. Thank you. Hopefully he will agree to mediation, he knows I don't want to cut him out his life but now he thinks he's a better parent cause he had more education than me (that's the new reason )

[david]

My ex would throw everything at me and waited for my response. The things that had me react were the things she went after me again and again because she knew that was a weak spot she could use. When I stopped reacting she got wilder in her accusations. I started thinking of her as a two year old having a temper tantrum. I never reacted to a child's temper tantrum so why was I reacting to my ex. I think the more I emotionally detached from her the better things got for me and how I handled things with her. It takes practice. I made a lot of mistakes before I got good at it.
Just make sure you have everything prepared for court. MY second, and much better attorney, would meet with me a few days before court and give me our game plan to make sure we were on the same page. He left some things out because he didn't want me to look prepped.

[Dontknow88]

My ex ran away in 2007. She knew the rules of the "game" better then me since she was married before.
I trusted my attorney with taking care of things. It took three years but I finally learned how the game is played and found a good attorney. My first attorney went through the motions, never seemed prepared, charged for every little thing, and never helped me understand what I could and could not expect in my county. My second attorney was always prepared, didn't charge for every conversation and took the time to explain things to me (he charged more per hour but didn't charge for every little thing so he actually was less expensive), and explained how my county usually worked things and what to expect.
In the beginning I had no idea what to expect. Eventually I realized court is a big negotiation of sorts. Ask for much more than you want and settle for what you want. Both parties need to "win" and that is how the other side gets to win.
With the evidence that you have indicated then you should be comfortable in getting what you want. Ex has to disprove your evidence.
The courts are supposed to look out for the best interest of the child. You need to present the evidence in a way that shows what is best for the child. To a large degree, your fears for yourself are irrelevant. Your fears for the child, backed by evidence, are not. You are asking the court to help you keep the child safe from an adult that has shown, through the evidence, that he is a danger to the child. At the same time you don't want to punish the child's' father by being punitive towards him. If he can show he is making progress in his behaviors and actions the courts will be willing to change things at a later time. That is up to him. More than likely he will not change but that is for another day.

Very informative. Thank you. Hopefully he will agree to mediation, he knows I don't want to cut him out his life but now he thinks he's a better parent cause he had more education than me (that's the new reason )

I have a question you set the fear for myself is irrelevant so I'm currently back dating A journal should I put the crazy things he said and did to me while I was pregnant? The things he did to me he shows big time he can do that to our son too. What he did to me shows he's unstable and bringing it to my son now

[ForeverDad]

David's point was that you're an adult and as such you have options to protect yourself (such as calling 911, seeking protection/restraining orders, etc).  You child is a minor and not expected to have an ability to adequately self-protect.  For that reason domestic/family court will be more likely to take action to protect the children than you.

More to the point, if you do get protection from Ex, that does not automatically extend to the children.  That's what happened to me.  When I filed for divorce and custody, my then-stbEx counter-filed for custody and protection for bother herself and our preschooler.  We settled for us keeping separate for a few months (without any finding of guilt) and parenting abiding by the family court's temporary order.  She tried to block my parenting time but failed, family court didn't consider me a danger to our child.

[david]

I couldn't have said it better than FD.
My ex actually filed a protection order against me and wanted me evicted from our house. The judge gave her the protection order and I was not allowed to follow, stalk, or physically assault. Yet, we were both allowed to live in the house ? All the judge was doing was covering his butt. If I assaulted ex I would have been given a longer prison sentence since I was also in violation of a court order. Family court, or the law, does not necessarily make sense but justice is served.

[ForeverDad]

Family court, or the law, does not necessarily make sense but justice judicial system is served.

 

[Dontknow88]

I couldn't have said it better than FD.
My ex actually filed a protection order against me and wanted me evicted from our house. The judge gave her the protection order and I was not allowed to follow, stalk, or physically assault. Yet, we were both allowed to live in the house ? All the judge was doing was covering his butt. If I assaulted ex I would have been given a longer prison sentence since I was also in violation of a court order. Family court, or the law, does not necessarily make sense but justice is served.

Thank you for your reply s

[Dontknow88]

David's point was that you're an adult and as such you have options to protect yourself (such as calling 911, seeking protection/restraining orders, etc).  You child is a minor and not expected to have an ability to adequately self-protect.  For that reason domestic/family court will be more likely to take action to protect the children than you.

More to the point, if you do get protection from Ex, that does not automatically extend to the children.  That's what happened to me.  When I filed for divorce and custody, my then-stbEx counter-filed for custody and protection for bother herself and our preschooler.  We settled for us keeping separate for a few months (without any finding of guilt) and parenting abiding by the family court's temporary order.  She tried to block my parenting time but failed, family court didn't consider me a danger to our child.

Thank you for your replys

[Dontknow88]

Hey everyone l, he agreed to do mediation, but in my mind in thinking (but for how long) he's changed his mind about this 2 times. Friends that doesn't know he has BPD and Bipolar disorder often change his mind. I just hope this works. I'll keep you all updated

[david]

Mediation is a negotiation. You can ask for anything you want and you do not have to show what evidence you have that you would use in court. You also do not have to agree with anything in mediation.
If you can work it out in mediation that is great. My ex used mediation to blame me for everything and she never addressed why we were there. The mediator tried but was unsuccessful to keep her on task. I believe I was too much of a trigger for ex. We had a court date the next day. Ex offered exactly what I was seeking in court and it was resolved in 15 minutes. I found out later that ex stayed with the mediator a few hours after I walked out. Apparently, the mediator was able to calm ex down and talk to her after I left.
Keep us posted, hope it works out.

[Dontknow88]

Mediation is a negotiation. You can ask for anything you want and you do not have to show what evidence you have that you would use in court. You also do not have to agree with anything in mediation.
If you can work it out in mediation that is great. My ex used mediation to blame me for everything and she never addressed why we were there. The mediator tried but was unsuccessful to keep her on task. I believe I was too much of a trigger for ex. We had a court date the next day. Ex offered exactly what I was seeking in court and it was resolved in 15 minutes. I found out later that ex stayed with the mediator a few hours after I walked out. Apparently, the mediator was able to calm ex down and talk to her after I left.
Keep us posted, hope it works out.

I hope it works out for me too. What about a separation agreement ?

[david]

I wasn't able to achieve anything without going to court. My ex can't help but attack me and try to pick a fight. She behaves in front of a judge.
If you can get a separation agreement or a mediation agreement that is great. I would try to get it all in writing and have both of you sign it along with the mediator. Date it too. If he tries to disregard the agreement and you go to court then that paper would help. It would mean he would have to give a reason why he isn't following the agreement. If that happens then be prepared with your own reasonable suggestions if you want to modify the agreement in some way.

[Dontknow88]

I wasn't able to achieve anything without going to court. My ex can't help but attack me and try to pick a fight. She behaves in front of a judge.
If you can get a separation agreement or a mediation agreement that is great. I would try to get it all in writing and have both of you sign it along with the mediator. Date it too. If he tries to disregard the agreement and you go to court then that paper would help. It would mean he would have to give a reason why he isn't following the agreement. If that happens then be prepared with your own reasonable suggestions if you want to modify the agreement in some way.

Oh wow, if only we seen this drama coming. Sorry for all the stress you've been in. Thank you so much for the advice