Really feeling like it's over.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I really think it's over.

I watched the same dynamic for 20 years
when growing up. My father suffering because my mother made up some imaginary scenario about him cheating, or about X or Y being his fault, always had to be him.

I watched how she seemed to enjoy it too. Almost as if whenever things were too calm, and we were all eating breakfast peacefully she'd think, "you know, it's time to make my husband's life hell".

I saw her drill my dad's head, leave, and then, as if she didn't have enough, come back with the same crap. No amount of explanations, logic,no matter how reasonable, worked with her. You just had to take her bullPLEASE READ until she decided to shut up.

I too was subjected to this treatment. She couldn't take no for an answer. If I did, she'd throw a tantrum about how I was a bad son and how saying no or disagreeing was bad. I learned from my lovely mother, that whenever she's talking, it's best to crank your brain's static noise all the way up and just say yes.

I was stuck in that predicament for a long time. Observer and victim, depending on if she needed me to be her obedient son.

I found her . I was happy. I was blissfully ignorant. "She'll change" I used to think. "She's not like my mother", I used to think as the red flags popped up. Red flags that felt familiar. Behaviours, expressions, that left me thinking "I've seen this somewhere".  But things moved fast, before I knew it, we were set on marriage and already living together.

The rest, there's probably enough stories about that on this forum.

But today, I came to realize something crazy, something truly surprising. That she's just like my mom. And then things started surfacing. How she was treating me. How unfair she was with me. How she demanded but didn't deliver. How she'd never take accountability, and when she did, it was just because it was what "had to be said", in order to put the actual problem to rest, kiss, be all giddy, and go back to normal. Did things ever come from her end? Did she ever feel guilty? Did she ever cared about my feelings? Or only if not "caring" led to me leaving her?

30 missed calls. Threats of suicide. Ah. I know that one too well. Saw it for 20 years! The cheap sabotage my mom did on my father and me, to boot.

All that "mature" facade, just a lie. She was always the same underneath. Just waiting for her boredom to prompt it, or a disagreement, or whatever feeling, no matter how little.

I really don't think I can keep going. And I don't know if this is not accepted here or not, but I really hate manipulation. Let alone, manipulation done just for selfish reasons. They get to feel better for one instant, at the cost of you feeling like garbage for days, for no reason. What great traders we are huh?. These are the people who "love you".

[WarpedSelf99]

I really think it's over.

I watched the same dynamic for 20 years
when growing up. My father suffering because my mother made up some imaginary scenario about him cheating, or about X or Y being his fault, always had to be him.

I watched how she seemed to enjoy it too. Almost as if whenever things were too calm, and we were all eating breakfast peacefully she'd think, "you know, it's time to make my husband's life hell".

I saw her drill my dad's head, leave, and then, as if she didn't have enough, come back with the same crap. No amount of explanations, logic,no matter how reasonable, worked with her. You just had to take her bullPLEASE READ until she decided to shut up.

I too was subjected to this treatment. She couldn't take no for an answer. If I did, she'd throw a tantrum about how I was a bad son and how saying no or disagreeing was bad. I learned from my lovely mother, that whenever she's talking, it's best to crank your brain's static noise all the way up and just say yes.

I was stuck in that predicament for a long time. Observer and victim, depending on if she needed me to be her obedient son.

I found her . I was happy. I was blissfully ignorant. "She'll change" I used to think. "She's not like my mother", I used to think as the red flags popped up. Red flags that felt familiar. Behaviours, expressions, that left me thinking "I've seen this somewhere".  But things moved fast, before I knew it, we were set on marriage and already living together.

The rest, there's probably enough stories about that on this forum.

But today, I came to realize something crazy, something truly surprising. That she's just like my mom. And then things started surfacing. How she was treating me. How unfair she was with me. How she demanded but didn't deliver. How she'd never take accountability, and when she did, it was just because it was what "had to be said", in order to put the actual problem to rest, kiss, be all giddy, and go back to normal. Did things ever come from her end? Did she ever feel guilty? Did she ever cared about my feelings? Or only if not "caring" led to me leaving her?

30 missed calls. Threats of suicide. Ah. I know that one too well. Saw it for 20 years! The cheap sabotage my mom did on my father and me, to boot.

All that "mature" facade, just a lie. She was always the same underneath. Just waiting for her boredom to prompt it, or a disagreement, or whatever feeling, no matter how little.

I really don't think I can keep going. And I don't know if this is not accepted here or not, but I really hate manipulation. Let alone, manipulation done just for selfish reasons. They get to feel better for one instant, at the cost of you feeling like garbage for days, for no reason. What great traders we are huh?. These are the people who "love you".

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and your story rings true with my experiences- I had a BPD ex-wife I was married to for 23 years, plus a BPD daughter with her.  It took me over 15 years to realize that mom was just like our kid- it presented differently but it was ultimately the same beast. 

There were red flags even before we married, but I straight up ignored them thinking love would conquer all.

I'm glad you took some time to vent and hopefully you felt better letting some of that out.  As far as what's accepted here, you can write pretty much anything about the relationship as long as you don't name names and it's nothing too graphic.  We're here to listen and help however we can.

Can I ask, how long have you been married?  What happened recently that brought you here- was it one huge thing, or several smaller things just building up?  Talk that out with us some and let's see if we can find you some areas to help.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!  You will find many here who have walked in your shoes, "been there and experienced that".  The peer support here, though remote and anonymous, is so very helpful, you're not alone.

While what we've experienced matches with the typical behavior patterns of BPD, we've come to realize that there are relatively few times we learn of an actual diagnosis.  Do not be discouraged by this.  Your own experiences and conclusions are not to be discounted or invalidated.