setting boundaries or rules for living

[Momx4]

my daughter lives with us, she is 21 going on 10. she will tell you she does not want to grow up. she wants to stay a child. She goes to therapy off and on as she knows it is the only way to get them to prescribe her drugs. She does not abuse alcohol or drugs. But she does nothing. the new therapist wants me to be harder on her so she grows up. easier said than done when my husband does not support me in this at all. he wants no conflict. he is a great husband but grew up in a house that said "don't fight, don't argue, don't accept feelings" and i am the one at fault if i start an argument or conflict with our BPD daughter. Yes i want her to grow up, but no i don't want to continue the fight that has been going on since she was about 14. I have 3 children that are adults and doing fine. This one is draining me. I think i accept but then how do i set boundaries when she just wants us to wait on her and my husband won't ruffle any feathers with her. This is tiring.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Momx4,

Welcome to the Parenting Board, we are glad to have you join us.

I think you are on the right track here... .best way to learn life lessons and begin to grow up is to allow the natural consequences of choices to arrive at our kids feet and not rescue them from those consequences.  It's hard to stand by and watch our kids fail and sometimes that's the only way they will learn... .and sometimes they need the same lesson over and over until they do learn.   

Do you think your husband rescues your d21 and this helps keep her stuck?

It's important also to understand the difference between rules, limits, expectations, and boundaries.  Here is a link to some brief info that can help you begin to differentiate between them and that can help you make a plan going forward.

Communicate Boundaries and Limits

Let me know what you think or if you want to talk about the differences and how to go about putting them into action... .lots of us need help with this stuff.  It can be confusing and kind of scary too.

lbj

[Bill68]

I understand the stran on the husband/wife relationship and different approaches because of upbringing. In my family you spoke your peace argued yeld agreed to disagree and move on.  My wife's family they hate conflict difference of opinion and hold grudges take things personal and don't let go.  That being said it is important to keep constructive dialogue going while respecting different view points


Good luck and thoughts and prayers with you

[mummydearest]

My daughter just turned 18 and we fight almost daily about her "not wanting to be an adult". I understand that there are some things she may never be able to do, but if she's going to live with me we need to find a balance. I can relate to you so much although I'm a single parent.