How high is up?

[JerryRG]

Having a better day today

Talked to my pastor and he was encouraging and told me he thought I was doing very well under the circumstance.

He said to ignore my exgf and her crude insults and that my son "needs me"

I told him what my ex said about her bf being a better father than I will ever be, he just laughed.

The point of this post?

He told me, "you will never understand her and all you can expect is more crazy from her"

BPD, I do not understand you, I am thankful I don't.

How high is up? Any place is better than the bottom and that's where I was when in relationship with my exgf.

Hope everyone is doing well  

[fromheeltoheal]

It's great you're having a good day Jerry!

Borderline personality disorder is understandable and the information is out there, and since you're going to be connected to this woman for a while at least on some level since you have a son together, it may be helpful to learn about it.  For me, when I learned about the clinical side of the disorder it made the confusion go away immediately, her behaviors were still 100% unacceptable, but at least I understood why she does what she does, which helped a lot.

[JerryRG]

Thank you fromheeltoheal

No matter how hard I try to understand and how much I learn I can only begin to figure her out, the mystery is I somehow chose to see her as healthy on occasion then totally irrational the next moment. Am I splitting? I just don't get why I think this way, I assume it's what kept me trying to stay with her so long.

My sponsor told me a few days ago that my exgfs behaviour is very predictable and he couldn't understand why I didn't see it. I do flip flop on this, going from guilt over the belief I caused the problems in the relationship as my ex told me to a certain belief she's severely mentally ill.

Not sure why I keep myself so confused

I have been diagnosed PTSD, depression and I went through about 4 years of reoccurring panic attacks. I take one antidepressant and tried slowly tapering off these but I think I'm psychologically addicted to them. I don't take anything else anymore, since my recovery I'm very healthy emotionally.

Still I sometimes accept that I'm more ill than her, and just don't want to fully accept the severity of her illnesses