no contact

[honeysuckle]

Hello all. I am having a really hard time today so i came here. i am doing the No Contact thing and i could use some support. it is my final decision. i have done it before and i have failed. the reasons are primarily because we worked together and he was moved to a different area and i broke it after a year and a half. He then moved back to my area. We had both moved onto new relationships so I tried the friend thing but i cant do it anymore. its causing me to have the same issues i did when we were together as a couple. so i quit my job and i told him it was best if we stayed out of each others lives. he sent me a sad face emoji and that was that. it has been a week and i was doing fine. but today i fell apart. i told myself all the reasons it was a bad idea to not contact him and there are a billion. but i feel so sad to have him gone for good this time. it is really weighing on me because i know we are not good for each other and he still causes me so much pain. i dont understand why i want to contact him. i dont even have anything to say! i have been working on myself and my issues for 3 years now and i thought i was getting better. but wanting to still talk to him has made me think im not getting better at all so now im stressing about that. this has been so hard. This sucks!

[heartandwhole]

Hi honeysuckle,

It really does suck, and I'm sorry.    I know from experience that it's painful to stay in the relationship and painful to get out. I think sometimes we have to do a cost-benefit analysis and ask ourselves if we want to continue to hurt in the relationship for probably a long time, or rip the bandaid off and hurt more, but for a shorter time—and then move on to a new a better life.

It makes sense that you'd have the same issues as you had as a couple. It happened to me, too. We tried 3 times to be just friends and it never worked and caused even more pain in the end.

Of course, through lots of work and therapy your relationship might be capable of something that felt better for both of you. I don't know your backstory, but it sounds like that isn't happening?

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you've got an opportunity here for something really good. Another chance at growth and happiness. Feel your feelings as best you can and know that you don't have to act on them at all. Just feel them and be gentle with yourself.

We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[drained1996]

"it is my final decision"

Honeysuckle,

I feel your pain as I have found myself in your position more than once in life.  It does suck to feel the way you do... .but it is part of your process in healing.  I like how you know it is your final decision... .that shows you know your path.  Try not to get too down on yourself as anyone in your position would have a difficult time.  It's damn hard to detach in general, much harder to detach from a pwBPD.  As heartandwhole said, "Feel your feelings as best you can and know that you don't have to act on them at all. Just feel them and be gentle with yourself."

You have support, understanding and love here anytime you find the need! 

[SheAskedForaBreak]

HS you need to really dig and understand why you want to contact him.  I am going through a week after breaking NC, thinking I was ready to handle the worst case scenario and now I regret it.  Even if he is receptive and responsive what do you get out of it?  Is it worth risking your current RS for the ex with a personality disorder? 

[honeysuckle]

Thanks for the replies. My therapist says i need to look at this like an addict because I want him to validate for me that i meant something to him. but after the first minute or so that goes away and i feel seriously confused as to why i am talking to him at all because he says mean stuff to me. And after i get the rush it goes badly. I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with him and no i would never want to hurt my relationship i have now. This is why i quit and am doing this. I have a logical list a to why it needs to be done and i am serious about getting it done but there is something stuck in my head that says WOW WHAT I IF I NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN? this causes me a real anxiety reaction so i need to look at it like i just need to not talk to him today. i don not myself understand this reaction to him. i just want to be over all of this and there is no quick fix. i'm just exhausted!

[JQ]

Hello Honeysuckle,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling bad today but I'm glad you reached out to the group for a helping hand. IMHO, YOU DID NOT FAIL!   All you did is merely stumble on your own BPD journey of self enlightenment. We all stumble on our own BPD journeys, but you put your hand up and the group is there to help pull you back up. We're going to dust you off ... .now the next decision is yours and yours alone to make. Do YOU continue down the path your currently on? Do YOU choose a different path on your journey to see where it will lead you? Or do you sit back down where you're at and do nothing? The choice has been and will always be YOURS!

I understand your anxiety from first hand experience. Not just from a exBPDgf but from a step mother, sister & 1/2 brother. I lived my entire life with anxiety of not seeing my "family" again because of their behavior. They have all manipulated me over the years so that I fed them & their BPD behavior. I gave & gave of myself, my mental health, my finances in order to have some sort of r/s with them as dysfunctional as it was.

It was only after I had a lot of therapy, read book after book, did a ton of research into BPD that lead to a lot of learning about myself as a "NON" & "Codependent" and why I was the way I was. I learned that I was afraid of never seeing my "family" again. I was always taking care of them and NOT my needs. I put them before myself, sacrificed myself, my happiness for them. My behavior continued with my now exBPDgf. Once I learned about BPD it was much easier to put boundaries in when I was around my families. Remember from your reading that boundaries are for YOU and not them. MY exBPDgf was a master at manipulation like my "family".

I've learned in the last 3 yrs that I was choosing r/s that perpetuated my "family r/s" and the chaos, pain, hurt, & anxiety that it produced. It was only after I learned to deal with my family dynamics & disfunction that I could deal with & relate it to my dysfunctional r/s with my exBPDgf. Once I learned I had to put in boundaries for myself with my family & then enforce those boundaries. Its as easier to deal with them & be ok with not seeing them or the flying monkey's they tend to bring with them. It was ok to walk away & distance myself from them. I became happier with day to day life. That helped me deal with and be okay with distancing myself from the exBPDgf. I learned that it was ok if I never saw her again and I was actually happier. It hurt, it sucked at times but in the long run the anxiety I had dwindled a little each day. I missed her less and less and eventually I was ready to finally say good bye. My exhaustion eventually went away and I'm in a much better place.

I had to learn about my family dynamics & learn that history was indeed repeating itself. So ... .my question to you is are you doing the same? Is your anxiety of never seeing him again related in any way to other family members & the same situation?

J