My compassion is waning

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have such a lot going on in my head right now. I start out thinking one thing which leads me to another, as in the following and it's all a jumble. All these thoughts swirling around in my brain trying to find a place to land.

My compassion for him is waning and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not? I think compassion drew me to him in some way and kept me there far too long. It seemed to override the reality of the abuse. I could see and feel his struggle sometimes and it was desperately sad. He seemed desperate to keep us together at times, and I knew he tried, really tried. But it seems from what I’ve read that all he wanted to do was to keep the ‘attachment’ making me wonder if he ever knew me at all. Saw me as a person with my own wants, needs, wishes, and dreams. Not just a thing, an object. And now he's more than likely replaced me with another object and may never think of me again. Will he ever think of me again? Did he ever just see me as a person? And, why has my compassion for him lessened?

[Larmoyant]

I have such a lot going on in my head right now. I start out thinking one thing which leads me to another, as in the following and it's all a jumble. All these thoughts swirling around in my brain trying to find a place to land.

My compassion for him is waning and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not? I think compassion drew me to him in some way and kept me there far too long. It seemed to override the reality of the abuse. I could see and feel his struggle sometimes and it was desperately sad. He seemed desperate to keep us together at times, and I knew he tried, really tried. But it seems from what I’ve read that all he wanted to do was to keep the ‘attachment’ making me wonder if he ever knew me at all. Saw me as a person with my own wants, needs, wishes, and dreams. Not just a thing, an object. And now he's more than likely replaced me with another object and may never think of me again. Will he ever think of me again? Did he ever just see me as a person? And, why has my compassion for him lessened?

[valet]

People do their best. It's not so simple as to say that you were seen as an object.

Maybe when you review the psychodynamic literature these terms are useful in detaching. But you can still do what's best for yourself and be compassionate—from a distance. This is a hard lesson to learn. But it is part of acceptance, which you're doing a good job working towards I think. 

It would be hard for any one person to give you a reason here. Think about your situation and ask yourself that question. The answer you give might not be ideal, but the brain always moves faster than the heart, to phrase it metaphorically.

[eprogeny]

Do you ever think of your exes? I know I do. Chances are you are being thought of, too.  Whatever else those with BPD might be, it can never be said that they aren't acutely effected by the events in their life.  You are a part of your ex just as much as your ex is a part of you - and I would wager you are the one who will be able to draw a "lesson learned" from the relationship.  That is no bad thing.

You've said it was the compassion for him that was the initial draw.  What was it in him that hit your compassion nerve?  I came to a really great peace when I thought of why my relationship faltered - and it started when I first identified what it was in my exBPDgf that both drew me to her and then pushed me away.  I wonder if you are on that same path to enlightenment.

[Larmoyant]

You've said it was the compassion for him that was the initial draw.  What was it in him that hit your compassion nerve? 

Compassion was part of the initial draw because he seemed vulnerable. He told me stories of how his ex attacked him with a corkscrew, how she left him when he was seriously ill, how, when he was 5, his mother kicked down a bathroom door to punish him, that sort of thing.

I suppose I’m a ‘Florence Nightingale’ sort of person, and wanted to show him kindness, understanding and support.  I was being myself, codependent tendencies or not, and I was shocked that he’d gone through this and felt incredible compassion for him. If any of it was true I still do, but I now have my doubts about the truth of some of it. After talking to some family members I’m not so sure, but at the time I wanted to show him that life could be different, kinder, more loving.

I was completely unprepared for what was about to happen and how very soon he’d be accusing me of similar behaviour, not the physical attacks (at least I hope not), but certainly accusations of not being there for him, being hurtful, uncaring and also plotting against him (think Gone Girl movie).

I still feel compassion for him. All those times when he was clearly feeling ‘abandoned’ usually after pushing me away in some way. He looked incredibly vulnerable like a small child and I was pulled into this time and time again. Wanting to make it right for him, wanting to take his pain away. Until the next push and all that comes with it, rage, devaluation, etc, etc.

The outcome. I’ve almost been destroyed whilst he is still living the life he had before me, nothing changed for him. He still has a job, a career, same hobbies, same ‘friends’. He just carries on, gets a new replacement and lives his life. This infuriates me, leads me to feelings of despair that he was keeping hold of his life whilst bit by bit destroying mine. Yes I may have ‘allowed’ it to happen, but I wasn’t aware at the time. It was insidious. He tore me to bits, piece by piece.

So now I am struggling with anger and compassion. I can’t seem to find a balance. A bit like a pwBPD, black and white thinking, no grey. I’d like to get to the position where I can see the grey. I want to get to the point where none of this hurts anymore. Perhaps this will happen when/if I can get my life back. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get my life back. I'm at the point where I want my life back, but still can't take the first step to getting it back. It's very difficult.

[myself]

You don't have to be compassionate (one definition is 'to suffer together'.
You're still processing, growing... .Acceptance also includes 'it is what it is.'

What happens if you act like 'Florence Nightingale' with yourself?

[bus boy]

Hi Larmoyant, I can relate so much to what you rote in your last post. I feel your pain. I have my rough times yet, xw discarded me and split me black for good back in June 2015, I was crushed, empty, heartbroken. My poor T, I worked her overtime. Like I said I have my bad days, it's mostly missing s10. In the beginning it was missing her, what was wrong with me but now my thinking has changed. Maybe I'm wrong but my compassion level for xw is zero. Maybe totally detaching means just that. I have no room in my heart for her. Her poison is to toxic for me. I'm to important, I matter for me and s10 not for xw. I have processed soon much of her toxic poison, I don't want it back, I'm not getting it so it must be going somewhere. I think the terrable way I felt was how she felt inside and when I was attached, I got her poison. I save my compassion for people who deserve it.

[Larmoyant]

You don't have to be compassionate... .

What happens if you act like 'Florence Nightingale' with yourself?

myself, this has given me food for thought... .thank you.

I think the terrable way I felt was how she felt inside and when I was attached, I got her poison.

busboy, this is exactly how I feel, as if he transferred all of his anguish, pain and messed up feelings onto me possibly relieving him so he gets to feel better in some way.

Also, maybe totally detaching does mean having no more room in my heart for him. Maybe I need to stop thinking about him so much because maybe at the heart of it there is still some desire to make things right. To help him in some way instead of focusing on myself and helping me. Maybe.

[lovenature]

as if he transferred all of his anguish, pain and messed up feelings onto me possibly relieving him so he gets to feel better in some way.

Projection is one defense a PWBPD uses to feel better about themselves.
We also become so immersed in their behaviour, trying so hard to make sense of the senseless and rationalize the irrational that we loose touch with reality and loose ourselves.

I feel compassion more now for my ex. than when I was in the relationship; I know that I can't help her, I tried so hard to make it work and have a better life for both of us.
The longer out you are, the clearer things become.

[Larmoyant]

Hi lovenature, I’m still struggling with compassion. Trying to show it to myself more than him. It is potentially my downfall. Anger helped me leave, compassion kept pulling me back. Since posting this he has contacted me several times saying that he’s very sorry, and also sent me pictures of his injured wrist saying it isn’t healing, that he’s had an infection, and that if I’d really loved him then I’d have been concerned and helped him. I’ve just reread his messages and they are heartbreaking and guilt inducing. He sounds as if he’s feeling abandoned and I ‘am’ abandoning him. In the past I would have gone back to help him. One part of me is screaming out to reach out to him, but I have to dig deep and remember. No more Florence Nightingale. I'll feel sorrow from a distance. If I don’t keep pushing compassion aside I am doomed. I’d like to get to a place where compassion for him doesn't damage me.   

[heartandwhole]

I'll feel sorrow from a distance. If I don’t keep pushing compassion aside I am doomed. I’d like to get to a place where compassion for him doesn't damage me.  

I understand your dilemma here, Larmoyant. I do think we can love and feel compassion from a distance. Especially when we are ourselves suffering.

If one person out of two is suffering and in attempting to relieve my partner of his suffering I, myself, begin to suffer terribly, then nothing has been gained! My partner may feel better (probably temporarily), but there is still a suffering person in the world who needs love and compassion (me!). Who's going to give me compassion in that case?

That's why I think compassion is best when it comes out of a heart that knows how to be compassionate first with the self, then with others. I know most of us do it the other way around, and there is some value in that, as far as learning to do it for ourselves, but ultimately, I think a person who feels empty, hurt, abused, and used most likely won't have much to give to others. I think it's important to make sure that there is room for ourselves under that big umbrella of compassion for the world, the community, our friends and loved ones.

heartandwhole

[C.Stein]

Since posting this he has contacted me several times saying that he’s very sorry, and also sent me pictures of his injured wrist saying it isn’t healing, that he’s had an infection, and that if I’d really loved him then I’d have been concerned and helped him.

While I can understand feeling some compassion here, anger is another emotion that you should probably be feeling.  What he has done here is extremely manipulative, controlling and disrespectful.

[lovenature]

Hi L, he is an adult and a hurt wrist is just part of life; sure we would like to comfort our PWBPD, problem is they play the victim to maintain an attachment, comforting him will result in you getting too close and being hurt again. When you feel guilty, remember how many times you were there for him and the results.

Once you are out long enough I think you will be able to have compassion for him, while knowing that you can't let it pull you back in; I have found the more I learned about the disorder, the more I have been able to detach with compassion.

Maintaining NC is showing compassion for both of you.