Erased 8 weeks ago

[Depression = 72% of members]

8 weeks since he totally erased me from his life.

I thought, even as bad as it was that he had stood me up on our date, that he would follow the normal pattern.  Silent treatment for a week or two then he would reach out again.

He never did that.

I am still struggling with this.  I feel a bit stuck in limbo, I'm still waiting for that text, the one where he says how empty he is without me, how much he misses me.  Why this time was it different.  I can't work the answer out.  I keep trying and I feel like one of those mouses, running round and round on the wheel. 

I wish my mind could move on, without an answer.

I've imagined many scenarios, and reasons this happened.  But the hardest, and most logical one, that he found someone to replace me, crushes me.  I just can't understand. 

Is is possible to ever move forward without knowing how they went from loving you and then a few hours later you never hear from them again?  It makes no sense.

I hope someone has some advice and has experienced being loved totally to discarded, without any warning. 

I wish I could understand this.  I am also very sad and now wondering if his words of deep love for me, were real.  I believed they were, but now I'm doubting that.  I miss him so much and I wish I could have an answer as to why he hurt me badly, when he told me, all the time, I was his love and happiness.   

[DreamerGirl]

8 weeks since he totally erased me from his life.

I thought, even as bad as it was that he had stood me up on our date, that he would follow the normal pattern.  Silent treatment for a week or two then he would reach out again.

He never did that.

I am still struggling with this.  I feel a bit stuck in limbo, I'm still waiting for that text, the one where he says how empty he is without me, how much he misses me.  Why this time was it different.  I can't work the answer out.  I keep trying and I feel like one of those mouses, running round and round on the wheel. 

I wish my mind could move on, without an answer.

I've imagined many scenarios, and reasons this happened.  But the hardest, and most logical one, that he found someone to replace me, crushes me.  I just can't understand. 

Is is possible to ever move forward without knowing how they went from loving you and then a few hours later you never hear from them again?  It makes no sense.

I hope someone has some advice and has experienced being loved totally to discarded, without any warning. 

I wish I could understand this.  I am also very sad and now wondering if his words of deep love for me, were real.  I believed they were, but now I'm doubting that.  I miss him so much and I wish I could have an answer as to why he hurt me badly, when he told me, all the time, I was his love and happiness.   

[GoingBack2OC]

I finally talked to my ex. It took about 7 weeks from the time I learned she had been cheating for months, then she just ghosted me once she knew I knew. Never said sorry. Nothing.

I dont know if it helped. Other than, we finally talked. Its tough, still loving her. But I can sense not much has changed on her side. She feels no remorse at all. I mentioned it, I said "You never even said sorry".

She responded yes I did 4 times.

I said... .no you really didnt, not once.

She responded coldly.

"What do you want from me".

Never got the sorry.

To be honest, as hurtful as it is... .I cannot imagine being "within that mind". You know... .like no one chooses to be that way. It must be like a prison in some ways, total denial with some moments of clarity.

Its really said.

If I cheated on someone, hurt them so much... .I'd feel terrible about it. Probably why Ive never cheated.

So in terms of advice... .think a bit - it's been 8 weeks. You've been so hurt. What could possibly be said now that would change that?

Thats kind of how I feel. I still care, still love... .but a lot of damage was done.

[GoingBack2OC]

Sent you a PM Dreamer... .

[patientandclear]

As to how it can be, and what it means about the feelings he shared with you:

Extreme capacity to compartmentalize and dissociate in order to survive emotionally.

I've read those words a lot but somehow hadn't grasped that they are actually deeply true for my ex, till last year. We were in touch for a few months. It was good (honest, non-eggshells conversations, fun, challenging). In the midst of this he asks me if he'd ever told me about (short story), which he felt related to what we were discussing.

That short story is his favorite. We'be discussed it several times. Most important, he read it out loud to me while we were in bed on the most beautiful, sweetest, most intimate night we ever had together.

I said that, gently, and he was super apologetic, and said "I forget things you wouldn't think I would forget. But I remember now."

I think these deep important emotions are buried for the time being because they can't be tolerated at the moment. Various pwBPD discussed here have described it as the feelings being "under a rock" or completely locked away. They may be rediscovered months or years later, so not entirely gone, but functionally they might as well be in the meantime.

You might Google Jeffrey Young and read some of his articles about schema therapy and treatment of BPD, because he discusses "modes" of consciousness for pwBPD and how nearly completely cut off they are from one another. Until and unless deep work is done to integrate them, the single person who is your BPD SO is in starkly different "modes" from time to time and these are practically like separate personalities. There is not much ability to maintain emotional continuity between them.

In my BPD r/ship I can think of it as one mode who reaches out to me, is thoughtful, open, generous and somewhat brave. Then we get closer. Then other modes intervene and tear apart what the first mode what constructing. That's such a reliable pattern by now that it's on me to understand that the tear-down is inevitable and the first mode doesn't have the awareness or wherewithal to hang in there when that starts happening.

It's no easier to actually manage with this knowledge but it does help with the "how can he love me so much and still do this" questions.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry DG, being discarded like that is very painful and confusing, and can feel like a chunk has been taken out of us, like a part of us is missing.

Is is possible to ever move forward without knowing how they went from loving you and then a few hours later you never hear from them again?  It makes no sense.

No, it doesn't make sense, mental illness does not make sense in a conventional way.  But yes, not only is it possible to move forward, it's possible to move far beyond it, to a life full of mutual love and mutual respect.

I thought, even as bad as it was that he had stood me up on our date, that he would follow the normal pattern.  Silent treatment for a week or two then he would reach out again... .

... .I am also very sad and now wondering if his words of deep love for me, were real.  I believed they were, but now I'm doubting that.  I miss him so much and I wish I could have an answer as to why he hurt me badly, when he told me, all the time, I was his love and happiness.   

So look at those two pieces of your post.  "his words of deep love for me" and "when he told me, all the time, I was his love and happiness" are what he said, but what about his actions?  How did it feel when he'd give you the silent treatment for a week or two?  Fully associate for a minute to those feelings, maybe they were a less intense version of what you're feeling right now?  Is that the way you'd expect someone to treat his "love and happiness", and would you treat someone you love that way?  All important questions, as we dig and discover what we really had with our exes, what part of us that touched, and how we can nourish that part moving forward, protecting it, and only let people close who value it as much as we do.  Does that make any sense?

[patientandclear]

It's useful, I think, to bear in mind that these destructive impulses and feelings come from somewhere. They are generally trying to keep themselves safe, albeit based on distorted perceptions of where the danger lies and in ways that rarely work well for them let alone others. It isn't really about whether they care, value, etc., so much as about whether they can consistently access those feelings, and whether those feelings are swamped by other feelings of terror and aversion that none of us would easily resist or set aside if we were feeling them.

(My BPD person does do some things knowing they are wrong,I've discerned--mostly intentional boundary-busting to get what he wants regardless of what I've said. He's tacitly acknowledged that. Most of the time however he tries to be a good person and do the right thing. I think the boundary-busting comes from a desperation to have intimate connection despite that his behaviors tend to make that impossible. He is not a happy person and he has tried pretty hard over the years to figure it out and figure out how to change his life to have things go better. Many therapists; much self-reflection; much reading of philosophers. This stuff is HARD to change, and bear in mind, DBT doesn't change the impulses or feelings, which continue; it provides a management strategy to prevent the destructive outcomes.)

[JQ]

It's useful, I think, to bear in mind that these destructive impulses and feelings come from somewhere. They are generally trying to keep themselves safe, albeit based on distorted perceptions of where the danger lies and in ways that rarely work well for them let alone others. It isn't really about whether they care, value, etc., so much as about whether they can consistently access those feelings, and whether those feelings are swamped by other feelings of terror and aversion that none of us would easily resist or set aside if we were feeling them.

(My BPD person does do some things knowing they are wrong,I've discerned--mostly intentional boundary-busting to get what he wants regardless of what I've said. He's tacitly acknowledged that. Most of the time however he tries to be a good person and do the right thing. I think the boundary-busting comes from a desperation to have intimate connection despite that his behaviors tend to make that impossible. He is not a happy person and he has tried pretty hard over the years to figure it out and figure out how to change his life to have things go better. Many therapists; much self-reflection; much reading of philosophers. This stuff is HARD to change, and bear in mind, DBT doesn't change the impulses or feelings, which continue; it provides a management strategy to prevent the destructive outcomes.)

Hey P&C & Dreamergirl,


I would echo everything you say here, it was hard for me like others to understand my pwBPD, but this should be part of how others might accept the concept of BPD. Like you my pwBPD will do some things wrong knowing that they are, but it's to obtain what they want regardless of others feelings or who they might hurt. Then in a moment of clarity the overwhelming feelings of guilt start to hit them & rage and or push us away. As you put it, it's a way to keep them safe in some sort of warped thinking in their broken mind.

My exBPDgf tries to be a good person, a good mother, I can see it in her constant effort of therapy, soul searching, her praying asking for forgiveness & going to church looking for intervention from a higher power. I would agree with you in that DBT therapy does NOT change the impulse control but provides a limited means of behavioral management in an attempt to prevent the destructive outcomes of their behavior.  There is no cure as you point out.

I have been angry at her & her actions, her behavior but through my own education of BPD & codependency I've learn that her behavior is beyond her ability to manage, control, regardless of who it hurts. I have seen the anguish, the desperation in her eyes trying to understand the conflict that rages within her brain and she's just trying to understand so not to hurt her kids, her family or others in her life. She's a very bright woman and all she wants is someone to love her, comfort her, share a life with ... .but she also knows that unless she continues her therapy for the rest of her life, cut out alcohol because it reduces her ability, "like all of us" to limit out impulse control any hope of having even a small part of any of that with anyone is not going to happen. Her therapist has told her that she's a very broken person, she acknowledges this & continues to try to live life to the best of her ability.

Dreamer girl, in your post you recognize that you're a codependent but I don't know if you really have yet. You appear to find self worth in his acceptance & his love for you. You wish you could move on but you say you can't. I know it hurts from his actions, we've all been there. It isn't easy but you shouldn't look at him or his actions or inactions ... .but instead look inward to yourself.

You should look inward & learn to LIKE & LOVE yourself. You should find self worth in yourself & happiness for being you. No one should find total self worth in making others happy or in their success or depending on their love and affirmation of the r/s to make them happy.  I truly believe that once you do this you'll have an incredible self enlightenment. That you'll find happiness on a level that you've never experienced before. Know that once this happens people will want to be around you because you're a good soul and you love life & yourself. People will want to have r/s with you because you're a genuine caring person and will want to share their life with you just because you are who you are at your core.  I hope that makes sense ... .

J

[myself]

Shame, and that it's 'easier' to not face this stuff, definitely adds distance.

[shatra]

Goingback20 wrote
I finally talked to my ex. It took about 7 weeks from the time I learned she had been cheating for months, then she just ghosted me once she knew I knew.

-------Can you clarify "ghosted"?  It means to totally act as if the other person is invisible and has disappeared?  But when they "ghost" you do they become the ghost or do you?

-----Why did she disappear when you found out she cheated?

[GoingBack2OC]

Goingback20 wrote
I finally talked to my ex. It took about 7 weeks from the time I learned she had been cheating for months, then she just ghosted me once she knew I knew.

-------Can you clarify "ghosted"?  It means to totally act as if the other person is invisible and has disappeared?  But when they "ghost" you do they become the ghost or do you?

-----Why did she disappear when you found out she cheated?

She ghosted me. So I found out-- from him of all people. He was also, let's say "surprised". He had no idea from what I got that we were in any way still together/seeing each other.

A mutual friend of ours, whom I reconnected with recently, also said that both he and his wife were under the impression we broke up early this year.

So she basically had told the world she was single, but was secretely still seeing me, unprotected sex and all. And, as far as what I know of, had a new boyfriend for the last 3 months before he told me "we've been dating since april... .why?".

I then call her, leave a VM... ."we need to talk can you please call me?".

Never once did she reply.

Reason, I dont know, insanity? Guilt? Shame? Pissed I finally after weeks called her parents to try to get in touch with her. Of course she's painted me as the monster.

Funny thing is, I have a feeling she probably told the new guy I'm crazy, or obsessed with her, some insane story. And sad truth, he's probably buying it.

Anyway, after 7 weeks of no closure, nothing, no response. She finally did talk to me on the phone.

She was very upset I talked to her parents. Never said sorry. Never expressed remorse. I then heard an "Alarm beep", after 20 min, like a security panel type sound when a door opens... .and she changed her tone immediately "Well that sounds great thank you again for your help, ok bye". And hung up.

Likely someone came home.

Yes, to be ghosted... .means they vanish from your life.

[Stripey77]

I was 'erased'. I was deleted and blocked, on every avenue imaginable, because of a 'transgression' of mine (in his eyes). He actually accosted me in a bar on Xmas Eve to TELL me in no uncertain terms that I am deleted and blocked and no longer exist to him. The pain and depression that followed was exceptional.

After 6 long, horrific months living in the same tiny town and treated as if I were dead, he came back. He picked up the conversation I'd walked out on 6 months before, telling me I am 'cancelled'. Before telling me later that night that he's still attracted to me, loves me... .and kissing me. Then coming home with me.

Turns out,  I wasn't so 'erased' after all. He still has our photos. I am not blocked on Whatsapp... .or I am unblocked. He is still subscribed to our shared photo album in the cloud, although I don't know if he looks at it.  All of my things are still in his house.

He has gone again now and I am being ignored harder than ever, due to an entirely different event that has triggered him, which sadly seems to be being put at my door... .or the shame on his behalf is overwhelming, it's hard to tell.  He is literally walking past me in the street, to the point that I feel he would walk through me if he could.

But... .he's reading my messages.

I'm pretty sure he'll be back at some point.

I have posted this story on other threads, and not to give false hope, or to say that reengaging is a good idea. Our heads know it usually isn't, our hearts think otherwise. I know very very well the pain of being ghosted, and only those of us who have gone through it can even possibly begin to imagine it. It feels almost like a waste of breath trying to explain it to others.

But, I am saying this to tell you - don't be so sure you have been totally 'erased'.  In my experience at least, it was all hot air... .or at least, it was temporary. And it probably is now, too. Reading these boards, this seems to be the experience of many, even those who have suffered the most vitriolic of verbal attacks or the longest ST.

I hope you find something to be happy about today, I am taking it one day at a time.  

[GoingBack2OC]

I hope you find something to be happy about today, I am taking it one day at a time.  

I appreciate all that you said, and you're right. She has ghosted or ST'd me before, countless times. ST in many ways used as a weapon, or form of punishment by her, for any thing she viewed as a mistep on my part. I mean, it could be the smallest thing, or nothing even, and I'd be literally ignored for 5 days. Of course: "I wasnt ignoring you, i lost my phone, then i had it but it died". Yea yea.

I mean, the last conversation we had, I spent my time talking about how I wished things had gone differently, and I forgave her- I needed to. For me. She did not offer an apology. Even after. She was likely confused, like she had done no wrong cheating, lying, for months.

The truth is, yea, she might come back. I mean, I know, and I am not blowing smoke up my own a$$, but I'm the best guy she's dated, and she did a major downgrade with my replacement. I think in many ways it speaks to her overall mindset of not caring who, she just needs "someone". Love isn't really a factor. I think the word love, confuses her.

But if she does come back, It took me a long while to really get "here". I wont take her back. She cheated. She slept around. Her family knows. My family knows. Its incredibly shameful, it disgraces both sides, and honestly, it will never be the same.

Making love to her- just holding her, I did truly love her. But she did an amazing job of making me the villain. She was exceptional at deceit and lies, and pushing me away.

But yea, I took it. I loved being with her.

But after sleeping with someone else (I am sure there were more, he just happens to be the one I found out about). I honestly can't take her back. It wont be the same. I don't want to say "dirty", but honestly, I am just not interested in going there so to speak.

As for her, whether or not she feels she messed up, is sorry inside but just couldnt admit it- it doesnt matter. All I know is what I know. And thats:

Cheating is a shameful act. Its cruel. It speaks volumes about who a person is. If a person is willing and able to lie to the person they claim to love most... .they will lie to everyone. And she was, a bigtime Liar.

She can't be trusted. And I deserve way better than her.

Am I hurt? Totally, 5.5 years down the drain. Embarrassed. Totally. Angry, at times, but more just so disapointed in her. And sad.

And if she came back, turning her away wouldnt make me feel any better to be honest. I doubt I'd get any ego boost. I'd likely just feel even more sad... .Like "Yea, it could have been nice". But she f'd it up bigtime. Life changing decision. Made by her, for us both.

Last note... .I would also not be surprised if the total opposite happens... .she's pregnant soon, ropes him into marriage.

It's honestly like "Pick a card" see what you win.