Why do I obsess?

[JerryRG]

I know there's been a lot of discussion on this topic but I would like a simple explanation as to why we nons obsess over our pwBPD.

I try to explain it to non nons and they simply think this is a choice, much like I used to think alcoholics choose to drink. I know addiction isn't a choice, if it were controllable it would no longer be an addiction.

Any help would be appreciated, thank you

[FallBack!Monster]

I hope my input as a non expert is welcome

I once read somewhere that some people just have addictive personalities. In my case, I don't think obsession is a choice.

Unresolved issues and not having closure; in terms of r/s.  I believe we obsessed because we want something. That thing we can't afford.  For example it's physically, mentally, & emotionally unhealthy to be in a chaotic r/s but we "want" to be with this person and that's when we begin to obsess.

We can't afford to be with this person but damn, how do I get around it to accept the things I cannot change. I can't find a reasonable answer within myself, so I obsess. In general, I shouldn't but I "want" to. WOW! what do I do?  This is me obsessing. then one day when I'm not paying attention, it stops.

It just doesn't make sense to say we obsess by choice. Even when you try many other distractions, you can still find yourself thinking about that "want."

[adventurer]

I don't know the answer of why but some meditation and CBT concepts have helped me deal with obsessive thoughts and ruminations.

You sit still and try to clear your mind. A thought pops up, like "why didn't it work", "what did I do wrong", "why did I stay so long", "wonder what they're doing now", etc, etc, etc. So the thought pops up, but instead of "latching onto" it so to speak (like you decide to go with that as your brain topic and run with it), instead of that, you just stay like an observer "above" the thought. You think "oh, that's my thought there" and you let it drift past you. Try to go back to quiet mind. Another thought pops up. Again, you can acknowledge "there's this thought again" but observe and let it pass.

It's almost like the way we can deal with an dyregulation episode from someone. You observe their behavior and perhaps verbally abusive attacks, but you don't absorb those feelings into yourself. You can observe your reactions, increased heart rate, chest tightness, whatever, but then you don't attach an emotion to that, you don't yell back or try to justify or explain yourself. You just let it go.

Radical acceptance of what we cannot control in life and letting go are really, really hard to do, but in the moments where it has "clicked" I have felt very good. I am an obsessive worrier and negative ruminator and hopefully this stuff I described makes sense and can be a help to you.

[JerryRG]

Thank you  FallBack!Monster and adventurer

Lots of words of wisdom, I have a thin skin and easily get upset at what people say if I'm tired or hungry or already in a mood.

I like the idea of letting things drift past and just be an observer and not absorb anything, protect myself from the assault.

My sponsor told me his ex wife was BPD, I highly doubt it given his responce to my talking about my exgf. Thank God he don't know.

[earlgrey]

Good question (Why do I obsess?) and one I have just latched onto.

Here are my two pennies... .

I don't line up coke bottles in the fridge, but it would seem there is a relationship version of this which is new to me and I have just started researching.

It goes by the name of ROCD, though the 'R' (for r/s) is not universally embraced by the professionals. Interesting stuff all the same.

I am cohabiting with my STBex, and despite all the chaos that has gone before, and my wish to divorce, when she is calm (which happens from time to time) and I look at her, I still find her very attractive.

She fills my needs on a physical/attractiveness level, and I sometimes think these singular superficial measures confuse my brain into thinking things are OK.

Maybe I think I should hold onto this 'beauty'?

Also from general reading the posts, it would seem SOs (plural) are often very attractive individuals.

Given my own way of seeing the world, and the difficulty I had to find a partner (that I liked) I can easily be distracted by physical attributes.

So with an interior conflict (heartlessness (push) vs attractiveness (pull)) I try to resolve the issues and my head goes round and round, which I understand to be a part of obsession.