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Author Topic: Replacement or something else?  (Read 536 times)
Rayban
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 502


« on: September 02, 2016, 07:17:47 AM »

I'm making improvements in detaching but it is difficult because I work with her.  Looks like she has found a replacement. What bugs me is that this guy seems to have everything going for him. Seems like a guy who would be able to spot a BPD and stay away. So I'm wondering is he just using her for sex?

I'm also some what jealous and thinking this guy could make a relationship work with her. In the past she has admitted to dating "nice guys" in other words guys who will put up with her crap.  This guy doesn't fit the bill. 

Could she sustain a relationship while being untreated,  or is it just a question of time before he either realizes what he's dealing with?

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joeramabeme
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
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« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2016, 07:39:22 AM »

I'm making improvements in detaching but it is difficult because I work with her.  Looks like she has found a replacement. What bugs me is that this guy seems to have everything going for him. Seems like a guy who would be able to spot a BPD and stay away. So I'm wondering is he just using her for sex?

I'm also some what jealous and thinking this guy could make a relationship work with her. In the past she has admitted to dating "nice guys" in other words guys who will put up with her crap.  This guy doesn't fit the bill. 

Could she sustain a relationship while being untreated,  or is it just a question of time before he either realizes what he's dealing with?

This question seems to come up frequently; "Can she sustain a r/s with someone else".  Every time I have read it (and I likewise have had the same question), I wonder if we are not really asking a question about ourselves.

Let me break it down into two possible scenarios:

Her relationship works with the new guy: Wouldn't that just lead us to conclude that it really was my fault, there was something about me or she did not like xyz about me or . . . (add your own statement)

If her relationship does not work out with the new guy: We probably would conclude; I knew she had a problem, maybe now she can see her problem and will come back to me; I really wasn't as bad as she thought after all.

The question, I believe, is really not a question about her as much as it is about us; why was I discarded and left behind - what did I do so wrong that I deserve this treatment or could not sustain the love I wanted - does someone else have the ability to provide what she needed etc...

In neither scenario, her r/s does or does not work, does it change the facts about who the person is.  If she/he has BPD traits, they have them whether with or without you.  Note, that means if she returns she will still think/feel/act in the exact same way.  Further, the idea that it may work for someone else with your ex but not you, may actually be a positive statement about you, for example you have some healthy boundaries and self-respect.

Some food for thought as you consider what the question means outside the context of being hurt about what transpired - which is a very legitimate context.
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UnforgivenII
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« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2016, 07:40:01 AM »

Answer by yourself. You know the answer.

Did she change? Did she improve? Did she undergo therapy?

So?
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pgri8684
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2016, 07:42:25 AM »

Hi Rayban,

this is more or less my story; I was replaced after 1 or 2 months and I was of course shell shocked:
the same love story started again with a new character.
The problem is she probably can't stand to be alone; perhaps she can minorize her problems during the honeymoon phase or the new BF is so infatuated that he just sees nothing.

Future is unpredictable and beyond your range of action; let me be (perhaps too) direct. Do you still think your life could be permanently better WITH her than WITHOUT her?
6 months ago I was uncertain; now I know her problems are not mine anymore.
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Jeff26

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 29


« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2016, 07:53:27 AM »

I'm not really sure.

My ex seems to have always dated edgy-er guys until the two previous to me.

The one previous to me is decent guy (she never told me she was involved with him until I found out through someone else) and he was the one who wouldn't commit to her and ended up dating a different girl.

And the guy before him was an amateur electronic dance music guy who apparently was abusive, but seems like a push over from what I can tell.

Any one before those guys, who knows, I only seen pictures. They all look like they should be at a Fall out boy / NOFX / Blink-182 concert... .Basically on the border line of emo / scene.



Anyway, I myself work in the music industry and am a musician. I do always where black tee shirts and chuck Taylor's, but I would consider myself far less trendy when it comes to showing off what I want the world to view me as. I just like black tee shirts and chuck Taylor's, plain and simple ha.




Anyway, my replacement doesn't fit the bill for what I've noticed to be here "type". Which adds to the point, I don't think a "type" preference plays too much of a role in the rebound/replacement process with a BPDex... .At least from what I've read on here.


My replacement is a sporty kind of guy (softball leagues, Kyake roof racks on his car) he works at a very easy yet fairly respectable warehouse job while also running a small charity based tee shirt company that donates 20% of sales to women's shelters. And from what I've heard from a reliable source, he is a push over.

He is a total white night. It hurt at first. And still kind of does.

Especially seeing pictures of my ex's son wearing tee shirts and hats that were made by him.


If I ever got back with her for some reason, I don't know that I could tell her to toss all of those clothes, and I wouldn't want to appear weak to her son. But man, whenever I see his logo on a shirt around town, I get a very petty anger built up.

At least it's a small anger, I am not and have never been physically violent.

And honestly, I don't hate my replacement. He seems like a nice enough guy trying to do his thing to make the world a slightly better place.

But I do feel like he is "borrowing" my girlfriend until she comes to her senses.

It's pretty sad, but it's the honest truth
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enlighten me
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2016, 01:03:34 PM »

My exgf has a type. Musicians. Non of those worked out. Im in no way musical. The guy after me was a lot older. The guy after him was sporty and between me and the first guy I think she may have dated a woman.

My point. A pwBPD has an unstable sense of self and rarely accepts blame. If musicians failed then it must be them. If a nice guy failed then maybe its men. If women failed them maybe they werent mature enough etc etc. Some may last longer. Some may put up with more than others but at the end of the day the disorder will win.

I think my ex is on her fourth or fith partner since we split up. I no longer worry about it. I actually like her in the idolisation phase with someone else as she isnt as edgy and argumentative when I collect my son.
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Rayban
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Posts: 502


« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2016, 03:10:57 PM »

This guy seems as if he's got alot going for himself. In other words it seems she over achieved.  That's why I questioned if he's just using her for sex. Mind you in the honeymoon stage she could be mirroring him perfectly and he, just as I did is buying it. Only time will tell.

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