Back again - this time with new partner...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,
I posted for a couple of years after a breakup with my ex who I suspected (with hindsight) had BPD.  I am now in a new relationship and was super wary at the start but there were no red flags at all so I was brave and went for it!

We have just moved in together, and things are falling apart.

She gets angry all the time (she told me she had anger issues but I wasn't too bothered, she assured me she just had a hot temper over silly things and that she wouldn't ever be angry at me, just silly things like her laptop not working etc). 

She criticises me all the time.  I always do something wrong, whether it's being clumsy when carrying something in the house move and hitting the door with it (she does this too but simply swears and carries on). If I do it, I get told how stupid I am etc.  She does later apologise for being angry and "an ass" (her words) but it's like when she's in that frame of mind, she can't see past it.  I have tried talking to her when she's not in that frame of mind but it quickly sends her back there as she says "I don't want to talk about this now!  I want to relax and chill!"

She is getting up for work at the moment at 4am whereas I am off work as starting a new job next week. She moans that I get to stay in bed, saying I should get up at 4am with her to show some solidarity.

She didn't talk to me for an hour because I started eating my dinner without her (she cooked and then was pottering around, I was hungry so took a few bites).

Last night she asked "do you love me?" and I was playing around saying "umm... .hmmmm let me think!" and laughing (as normal people would do in a healthy relationship, have a laugh and a joke) and she started crying, called her Mum (I don't know what they were talking about as she is from a different culture and speaks a different language, but I didn't hear my name mentioned) and then carried on laying in bed crying, saying we should sleep in different bedrooms because I didn't love her.  I assured her I did and she said how stressful everything is at the moment - the house move, having come back from 2 weeks in her home country (which she misses loads and always says she wants to move back to but never does anything about it)

I am just thinking "how am I in this situation AGAIN?"  Every day it's like walking on eggshells, I never know whether I will get the funny and happy version of her or the version which criticises me, everything I do is wrong, shouts at me and cries! 

I start a new job on  Monday, am terrified of it and just want a peaceful home to live in and a supportive girlfriend.

I wish we hadn't moved in together, but we have - and we still have almost 6 months on our contract.  I moved away from my hometown for this, and I can't afford the rent on my own (plus, the headache of moving everything out if she just leaves, like my ex did).

I want her to go back to how she was when we met - funny, happy, "normal"!  I don't understand how I seem to bring out the worst in people.

The sad thing is, I don't even know if I WANT this to work.  Some days I look at her and think how much I really do love her, she clearly has some issues and I want to make her happy as I know there is good in there.

Other days I just wish we had never moved in together but I don't know how to get out of it.

So I want to at least TRY this and make a go of it, so I don't have any regrets.  I just feel like a whole lot of drama is being stored up for me... .I just want an easy life and to be happy!

Any advice as to how to keep things on an even keel would be great - I'm hoping that the stress of moving is making things appear worse than they are and maybe she'll settle a bit once the move is done... .time will tell.

[mango_flower]

Hi all,
I posted for a couple of years after a breakup with my ex who I suspected (with hindsight) had BPD.  I am now in a new relationship and was super wary at the start but there were no red flags at all so I was brave and went for it!

We have just moved in together, and things are falling apart.

She gets angry all the time (she told me she had anger issues but I wasn't too bothered, she assured me she just had a hot temper over silly things and that she wouldn't ever be angry at me, just silly things like her laptop not working etc). 

She criticises me all the time.  I always do something wrong, whether it's being clumsy when carrying something in the house move and hitting the door with it (she does this too but simply swears and carries on). If I do it, I get told how stupid I am etc.  She does later apologise for being angry and "an ass" (her words) but it's like when she's in that frame of mind, she can't see past it.  I have tried talking to her when she's not in that frame of mind but it quickly sends her back there as she says "I don't want to talk about this now!  I want to relax and chill!"

She is getting up for work at the moment at 4am whereas I am off work as starting a new job next week. She moans that I get to stay in bed, saying I should get up at 4am with her to show some solidarity.

She didn't talk to me for an hour because I started eating my dinner without her (she cooked and then was pottering around, I was hungry so took a few bites).

Last night she asked "do you love me?" and I was playing around saying "umm... .hmmmm let me think!" and laughing (as normal people would do in a healthy relationship, have a laugh and a joke) and she started crying, called her Mum (I don't know what they were talking about as she is from a different culture and speaks a different language, but I didn't hear my name mentioned) and then carried on laying in bed crying, saying we should sleep in different bedrooms because I didn't love her.  I assured her I did and she said how stressful everything is at the moment - the house move, having come back from 2 weeks in her home country (which she misses loads and always says she wants to move back to but never does anything about it)

I am just thinking "how am I in this situation AGAIN?"  Every day it's like walking on eggshells, I never know whether I will get the funny and happy version of her or the version which criticises me, everything I do is wrong, shouts at me and cries! 

I start a new job on  Monday, am terrified of it and just want a peaceful home to live in and a supportive girlfriend.

I wish we hadn't moved in together, but we have - and we still have almost 6 months on our contract.  I moved away from my hometown for this, and I can't afford the rent on my own (plus, the headache of moving everything out if she just leaves, like my ex did).

I want her to go back to how she was when we met - funny, happy, "normal"!  I don't understand how I seem to bring out the worst in people.

The sad thing is, I don't even know if I WANT this to work.  Some days I look at her and think how much I really do love her, she clearly has some issues and I want to make her happy as I know there is good in there.

Other days I just wish we had never moved in together but I don't know how to get out of it.

So I want to at least TRY this and make a go of it, so I don't have any regrets.  I just feel like a whole lot of drama is being stored up for me... .I just want an easy life and to be happy!

Any advice as to how to keep things on an even keel would be great - I'm hoping that the stress of moving is making things appear worse than they are and maybe she'll settle a bit once the move is done... .time will tell.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jrharvey]

Ok Im assuming this is a lesbian relationship since your sign is the female?

I'm probably not being much help but have you looked up feminine and masculine energy? Each relationship has to have a clear dynamic. Naturally women are the feminine and men are the masculine. Where there are 2 women in a relationship one has to be very clearly masculine. Not just dress or talk masculine but act and have that strong attitude. Be the leader and not look at your partner for what to do. I get the feeling maybe your being a bit too feminine and it forces her to be more masculine which in turn really pisses her off. Just a theory. Im not sure if what you described completely sounds BPD or not. It may be just a very emotional girl that is just wanting you to be stronger and more masculine. Its just a guess since I don't know what else happens in the relationship and you haven't listed many of the other symptoms of BPD.

Im only saying this because I have heard of this problem happening a lot in lesbian relationships. The feminine woman may be with a woman but she still craves and needs that strong, masculine energy. Even if that energy comes from another woman.

I hope the best for you and I hope my post didn't come off weird. Its just an idea. Doesn't make it true.

[livednlearned]

Hi mango_flower,

Congratulations on your new job 

Starting new work, and moving in together, both can be stressful, especially when one partner has BPD. Glad you're here posting and seeking support.

 

I don't understand how I seem to bring out the worst in people.

You are not bringing out the worst in her, she is doing that on her own. People with BPD tend to bring to new relationships all the compounded injuries of past ones and have a hard time seeing that they're doing that. Living together recreates a scenario where she can reenact unresolved dynamics.

When you stumble or trip, which is normal, she may be channeling an internal "punitive" or "demanding" parent voice that is part of her internal dialogue. It's how she talks to herself, which is why she is so sensitive to criticism herself.

Curious if you are getting up at 4am with her? It's helpful (though not pleasant) for her if you maintain a sense of separateness over something like that. She wants the two of you to merge and that is unhealthy and unrealistic, even if it's what she insists on.

We can help you with some communication skills to assert your boundaries gently. The key is to depersonalize any attacks or tantrums she might have, and to not let your own self-worth start to take a nose dive.

[Notwendy]

It may also help to look at Jharvey's descriptions of traits as the kinds of traits we associate with masculine and feminine in our society.

My BPDmother and I are two women in a close relationship, albeit not a romantic one but any relationship has dynamics. I find that with her, I have to take on characteristics that our culture associates with being male. Between the two of us, I have to be emotionally stronger, a bit tougher ( that is relative as I am soft hearted) more structured. It's a difficult balance as she is overly sensitive to any sense of being controlled-(and she is controlling). I think it comes down to me having to have very firm boundaries as she tends to do better when there are boundaries. Maybe this helps her feel not so out of control.

I think all of us have traits that society assigns gender characteristics to. In this sense, we all have both "male" and "female" traits. Early on we get the message that "big boys don't cry", "all girls should be sweet" and so on.

What did we grow up with? I have strong "female" traits- I am maternal, soft hearted. However, in the context of my family, I had to be more masculine. It was my mother who embodied the petite, feminine, pretty, needing someone strong to protect her characteristics. The rest of us were the protectors no matter what our gender- we were the strong providers and caretakers. This in a way influenced my relationships.  I both want to be treated like I saw people treat my Mom, but I am also not the helpless girly girl she projects. I tended to be the caretaker, the one who seemed to work too hard in relationships and then felt resentful. I've had to reconcile that, yes, I want someone to buy me flowers and get all mushy with me and at the same time I resist it as it wasn't my place in the family to receive it.

Sometimes we might give to others what we want ourselves and if we expect reciprocation from someone who can't provide that, we could be disappointed. Looking at my mother to step back from being "super female" and let me develop the female side of me wasn't going to happen. But I could do it for myself- act either feminine or more masculine as I choose.

I don't think males and females are the same when it comes to traits ( estrogen and testosterone have different effects) but I do think we are all whole people with a range of traits- that society puts into categories.  I think that very similar issues occur in both same sex and opposite sex relationships of all kinds- family/intimate/friends/casual. BPD affects those closest to us. But I have observed that between me and my mother, it is best when we don't have "competing" traits with each other- if that makes any sense. The balance in the family seemed to be that she is the more "feminine".

[waverider]

Why did it happen again? most likely because you didn't realize the existence of BPD while you were in your last relationship, only afterwards. so your understanding of the dynamics was probably biased towards their part, not your own. Hence you didn't look closely at yourself or alter you ways to make you more "BPD proof". Your vulnerabilities, and your easy attraction to pwBPD were not addressed. So the early attractions of BPD (the way you imagined them to be) drew you in.

Much of this can only be learned in situ, rather than after the event.

This is your challenge now, it will involved a lot of self reflection and acceptance that you can't change someone back to who you thought they were going to be.

[Notwendy]

This is an interesting aspect to me. Our mutual attraction with people with BPD goes both ways. I can clearly see how my attachment to my parents as well as the dynamics in my FOO influenced how I attract and am attracted to people. What I experienced as "love" from both parents was in part good, but dysfunctional. So that warm fuzzy love feeling with someone else would likely be in part a familiar one- but familiar to me was dysfunctional. I would feel love with people who felt familiar.

People with BPD can have a persona, and we are all aware that this persona can look pretty good initially. I would say that most romantic relationships feel good at first, and over time, people then deal with the fact that they are two different people- with both good and challenging times. It takes emotional maturity to deal with the challenging times. While all people probably present the best of themselves when dating, it is when this persona is a strong false self that can lead to problems.

How do we recognize that someone is presenting a persona? How can we not fall in love with a mask and instead fall in love with an authentic person? That's a challenge. One place to start with me was to ask- how authentic am I with others? Being overly people pleasing is not being authentic and I know I have done that.