high functioning xw

[bus boy]

I read many posts on here and can identify so well with the hurtful emotional abuse, manuplating and lies but I can't identify with many things like the numerous crazy r/s the BPD has or the disfunction of providing for there children. I've often posted xw is very dedicated to s9, he is very well provided for. Before s9, it was pretty crazy in out house, pretty abusive. She never apologized once for a tirade, her solution was threats of violence and leaving. She left many times. I find it so confusing sometimes. I did not witness so much of the craziness that I read on here. She was and is very decietful,  cunning lier, her mean spiteful dirty streak is like nothing I ever saw or imagined in my life. She does not let go or stop trying to hurt. People that know her think she is a wonderful great person, most people. She has many co workers that can't stand her. I feel like I'm alone in experience with my xw, like she is in some kind of a category all of her own. I feel like I'm the only person who saw her with her mask off. Everything she ever did or said to me had a deep sinister hurting tone to it, there was never any tenderness. In all the years I knew her she only ever asked me once how my day was, it's like she hated me all the time. The best we got along was when my family was out of my life. That was always her main goal, to push my family out of my life. She could warp and twist your words around in such a tangled mess and have you doubting your self and twist you words in such a confusing way and than call you a lier than ask the same thing in a different way to get you all mixed up and than say, I can never trust anything you say. I said it on here many times, she has some kind of a deep darkness in her.

[UnforgivenII]

That darkness is called "cluster b" and yes I do feel the same. He hated me. Right from the start.

[bus boy]

Cluster B, OK.  I guess there was craziness but not like some of the things I've read on here. When she left for good it got more sinister and devious than out right verbal, like it was when we lived together. Maybe I have to work on moving onto another stage of recovery. This is a real stumbling block for me especially when I see her making a family for s9 with another man. I see xw putting her bf up to things that normal people don't do but I still struggle with this.

[bus boy]

We did have an evulation done. The forensic psychologist said in her report that I was codependant and she showed evidence of very likely having a personality disorder and would probably carry it on through her life and relationships.

[rfriesen]

I feel like I'm alone in experience with my xw, like she is in some kind of a category all of her own. I feel like I'm the only person who saw her with her mask off.

bus boy, it sounds like a very isolating feeling, and that must be difficult to cope with. I think many people here describe a similar sense of feeling like they alone saw their ex's true self, saw the mask fall. So, paradoxically maybe, that feeling of isolation and uniqueness is a common feature of these relationships. But, as you say, that doesn't change the fact that each of these relationships is truly unique in its own ways. And the intensity of the feeling we tie to that sense of uniqueness and isolation ... .it can be incredibly hard to process and move beyond. I know I've had the feeling of being "stuck" trying to make sense of that kind of bond I seemed to share with my ex.

The feeling of being so uniquely bonded can lead us to look for meaning in all that our ex's do, to try to understand where they are emotionally, mentally, what they still feel about us, how they can be so cruel, etc. It can really make our heads spin. When you say she's become more "sinister and devious", what kinds of things do you have in mind?

If you call some examples to mind, are you also able to ask yourself why you become so impacted by them, why your mind maybe lingers on the cruelty you see in them? I mean, of course, it is natural to focus on actions that seemed designed to hurt us, so that can be one obvious reason. But when we can't stop thinking about them, obsess or ruminate over them, then it's also an opportunity to try to sit with our own needs and pain. Sometimes just sitting with them, seeing if they have a shape, size, colour, etc. can over time take away some of their force and power over us.

Is there a way you can reduce the amount of direct contact you need to have with your ex?

[bus boy]

Hi rfriesen, I have very little contact with her. I want nothing to do with her, I just want my son on my days and that's it. She is creating conflict for no reason. I pay my support. Follow the court order to a tee, I'm a good father. She has no need to continue doing the things she does, I want no part of her. She is involving her bf in this, 2 weeks ago he gave me the finger and shook his fist at me. Today, just 20 minutes ago I saw them in town, he pulled up in front of my car and him and her were giving me silly sarcastic waves and she had her face pressed against the window making a silly face. These are 40 year old people, my son was in the back seat. What the f### is up with that?

[rfriesen]

Hi bus boy,

I can imagine it's terrible to have to deal with her going out of her way to provoke and insult you and put you down.

I pay my support. Follow the court order to a tee, I'm a good father.

Good for you. Sounds like you more than pull your weight in managing the situation and being a positive force in your son's life. Laying the foundation for a fulfilling and meaningful life.

Today, just 20 minutes ago I saw them in town, he pulled up in front of my car and him and her were giving me silly sarcastic waves and she had her face pressed against the window making a silly face. These are 40 year old people, my son was in the back seat. What the f### is up with that?

There's probably no good, or at least satisfying, answer to why she behaves like that. In your shoes, I'd have a very difficult time shaking it off and getting on with my day. That said, if you're not able to avoid her completely, do you have ways to minimise the emotional turmoil this creates? Do you have any help from a therapist or close friends or family to lean on?

[bus boy]

Yes, I have family support and my T is great. I can call her anytime. My father taught me all my life, nothing from nothing is nothing. That's how I look at her and now her bf who has no reason to act the way he's acting. My brain can't even go to the places that is normal second nature to her.