Bpd ex

[Brum]

I'm in a country foreign to me. The systems are very difficult to my homeland where someone like this would be sectioned.

I don't trust the law here. I do not have any grounds to take out a restraining order because he hasn't actually done anything physically to me. It's really harsh.

The systems also involve not helping him unless he acknowledges he has a problem and it's all based around free will. Bull___ really. Excuse my French.

I won't get drawn in. Whether he is in rage or calm when I bump into him or see him, I know what to say calmly without breaking down. If I show a sign of weakness he is bound to take advantage of that.

[Brum]

Besides, if he did turn up I would have no choice but to call the police as he will be fully signed out by then and would be trespassing. It takes another month for the signing out process to be completed. In the meantime, my house is occupied by a family.

I'm frightened of him looking in pain. I'm frightened of him being angry and maybe lashing out or damaging my property. I'm frightened of him looking like death. I'm frightened because I don't know what to say (well, I have something in mind and hope it will come out ok).

I'm also still scared for him. I don't want to find out he hasn't made it. It will kill me. I'm stuck in a rut really.

[gotbushels]

I understand some of that fear. My ex damaged some of my property. There were also times when I was afraid of seeing her because it was easy for her to draw me in with abuse of pity.

I see.

Are you able to see that there's a benefit to getting a list of local agency numbers? They don't have to be law enforcement. They can be non-profits or government related agencies.

[Brum]

I really don't think it works like that here. I'm not sure.

Did your ex really damage your property? How? Were you there?

[gotbushels]

Well Brum, we're all here to help each other after all. So you're not sure about the benefits of getting a list. I hear you. What can you do when you feel this kind of uncertainty about information?

Yes. She used it as a threat and did it. Yes. Would it interest you to know what I did afterward?

[Brum]

Please enlighten me... .

[gotbushels]

Sure.

I spoke to the police after my break up (... .)

The point was to get advice and form a plan to prevent future issues and protect myself. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. You already mentioned that you think law enforcement may not help you. Okay. I understand what you've said. So I hope you'll consider these:

Safety planning involves the following:

Reading information about local domestic violence resources and legal rights.(... .)
<br/>:)eveloping detailed plans in case a dangerous situations occurs
<br/>:)eveloping detailed plans for leaving the location early, before a fight escalates (men only)

Identification (notification) of safe friends and safe places
(... .)

She also touches your exact issue of an unexpected visitor.

Plans for what to do if there is unexpected contact

DO NOT ENCOURAGE (... .)

This is quite a unique problem, I feel, and because of that, it calls for each of us to handle it as individuals going through a breakup.

Safety planning should occur regardless if you are remaining in an abusive relationship, preparing to leave the relationship, already out of the relationship, or deciding to return to it, feeling threatened or not. It is relatively easy to do, and if you ever need it, you will be glad it was in place.

I encourage you to visit the quote link and get onto JoannaK's points.  I hope you can get peace on this. Please do share with us your progress.

[Brum]

Thank you for all your help!

I'm trying to mend a broken heart tho first!
Don't know why but I need to emotionally get over him then I will be able to make practical decisions.

[Brum]

Dear gotbushels,

I read joannak's linked message board. It was very interesting actually. My BPD ex never touched me in any violent way. I know that is not to say he wouldn't if I saw him because you just can't predict that when they are slap bang in the middle of one of their episodes. But as I said before, my main concern would be to see him looking so angry, hurt, empty and lost. That's why I had to leave him because I could not take that mental torture anymore. It was bad enough last year when he jumped from the window. I'm surprised I even recovered from that let alone him!

Today I had to go back to the house and get rid of all his stuff which his mother instructed (initially) to chuck away. Heartless cow that she is. But I did it with a friend and I felt release. This man would have screwed me over financially with his demands, emotionally with his mood swings, mentally with his confusion and physically with his neediness for attention.

Yes I'm glad I'm out. But again, the good times don't disappear in my head, the amount I did for him is painful to remember, the fear of bumping into him freaks me out and I feel most alone when I'm in a room full of friends. That's how I feel.

His mother will have received my letter today. I hope she has one hard look at herself and realizes what a mess she has created for an innocent man.

Yes he was manipulative, calculating at times, selfish, needy, empty, angry and hateful when he was at his worst, but all that boils down to the fact he had a ___ childhood and was raised by failing parents. That is the problem here and that is why I can't hate the poor chap.

My head is a mess. I don't know whether to miss him or fear him. I feel numb myself. I do want to move on from this trauma and am taking one day at a time. But the process is too slow. I'm sick of relying on time being the best healer. Wish I could wind the clock forward a few years and wish my life away. Or even better, wind the clock back and prevent the whole relationship.

I believe that this demonstrates how the butterfly effect works. One silly error has led to such awful consequences on my half. But on his parent's side, many huge mistakes from his  childhood has ruined someone's life.

Tragic story and part of my life.

[gotbushels]

You're most welcome Brum. The board's team did the legwork on putting that material together, you sought to figure it out, and you got support from the lovely members on this thread. I encourage you to continue with such faith on your own healing.

Yes, your desire to not get drawn in is slightly different to the violence prevention intention on that thread.

I'm glad that you felt release from some of the knottiness of the relationship's issues. I do think that's a good feeling to get during detachment. I too felt the same way when I set aside my ex's things.

I understand that you believe his parents are mainly responsible for how he is. That thought makes sense. I do think that applies to my own ex too, to some extent. It's somewhat consistent with the nurture idea of BPD origins. I try not to blame my ex's parents for the things she did because while there are all those nurture-origin ideas, she is still an adult female. So I prefer to hold her accountable for her own actions too.

Something that might help you, that helped me, is that I'm also aware of her parents having their own issues. I suppose that makes it easier for me to pardon them instead of blame them. Some parents are ineffective not out of spite but simply out of ignorance. It's somehow easier to pardon that than intentional harm.

Furthermore, if you can see the line, that makes it easier to pardon ourselves for getting into an abusive relationship. Many of us didn't know what we were really doing at that time. E.g., I didn't know what projection was--that I now know is in BPD-101. Should we blame ourselves for that?

My head is a mess. I don't know whether to miss him or fear him. I feel numb myself. I do want to move on from this trauma and am taking one day at a time. But the process is too slow. I'm sick of relying on time being the best healer. Wish I could wind the clock forward a few years and wish my life away. Or even better, wind the clock back and prevent the whole relationship.

I relate to this impatience. It's okay. Sometimes it helps to consciously be patient with ourselves during the process of recovery and healing. Often when I discover something important, I wish I had more time so I could be my best self faster. So it helps to not wish time went faster.

E.g., later on when you are involved with someone else later, you might wish you could fix part of yourself before you saw them again. Some things can't be skipped, and some things you may find you don't want to skip. Or you can think of a fight where you had to manage your ex. Now think of all the free time you have. Isn't it wonderful?   I think you can look forward to that. Some people get into yoga and massage to pamper themselves and you'll often find life really so wonderful you'll want it all to slow down instead of go faster.

[Brum]

I know he's an adult but he doesn't know what the hell he's doing or feeling. And yes, I'm pointing the blame towards his folks because if they are not fit enough to be parents, why the hell bring them into this world?

I'm just happy I didn't have kids with him because that would have made me a weak parent, and the poor kid will have suffered. Plus, I would have been stuck with my ex even if we were separated. Genetically, the kid may have been affected... .Who knows?

I do feel more and more free, and less and less lost, as the days go by. But time is not in my side. It's too slow. And the pain pangs are still strong when they hit.

I appreciate you saying that my free time is precious now. But his face keeps cropping up before my eyes. Can't help it. His touch is still on me. It was electric. I don't know what the matter is with me. I hope I haven't gone insane in the process. I think I was the narcissistic one. I have read about it although he also had narcissism traits as borderlines can have those overlaps.

I feel dead. I managed to smile today but I feel dead inside.

I'm not even thinking of another man touching me. I feel sick if any man looks at me. I think I have lost it. I don't know.

[Brum]

Just been for my first therapy session and explained my difficult position. See how that develops now. And if it will have any use.

[gotbushels]

I know he's an adult but he doesn't know what the hell he's doing or feeling. And yes, I'm pointing the blame towards his folks because if they are not fit enough to be parents, why the hell bring them into this world?

I get where you're coming from about the parents not deserving children thing.

And the pain pangs are still strong when they hit.

I understand the pain when it comes. I know that they are mostly not a choice for you right now.

I appreciate you saying that my free time is precious now. But his face keeps cropping up before my eyes. Can't help it. His touch is still on me. It was electric. I don't know what the matter is with me.

I don't think anything is the matter with you Brum. These relationships seem to harm us deeper than relationships with non-pwBPDs. I do think that's true.

I hope I haven't gone insane in the process.

Highly doubtful you'd have gone insane, but nons often mention they have unpleasant things left behind that they want to deal with. It can leave you with a lot of self-doubt. I started to doubt things after my ex and I separated too. It helped me to recall the facts that were relevant to me.

I have read about it although he also had narcissism traits as borderlines can have those overlaps.

Yes, overlap can occur between BPD and NPD traits.

Everything in time. I'm glad you're getting a therapist to support your along with everything else. I think it's a good idea. 

[Brum]

Yes gotbushels. I do still feel the pain. But something strange happened within me today.

I hoped my BPD ex would end his pain. Hence end his life. I'm not sure that makes me a very good person but the thought was definitely there. I know he will never be happy deep down and will always be enduring this inner pain from his childhood. It pains to think it let alone write it down.

At least if he didn't survive he would be out of the black hole he is eternally in if he was to live. I really thought about this. The ironic thing was that the latter thought I had was then I could grieve properly and not fear him rentering my life. Or me witnessing that pain again in his eyes. Does that sound weird? The whole thought has definitely perplexed me even more.

My initial thought was based around his suffering. Again why am I putting him first when I'm out of the traumatic relationship we had?

This thought has somewhat scared me. When I was with him I didn't allow anyone near him and now I'm hoping he would find closure this way? I can't believe it has come to this.

I hear police sirens here in the city I'm staying in and can't help wondering if it's him causing problems or whether he is injured or even dead!

My gosh. My life has changed dramatically over the past five and half weeks, I can't express how damaged I feel. Lord knows how he feels.

But I do need to focus on me, I realise. Just can't do so fully yet, that's all.

[Brum]

I'm just hoping that it's sunk into his head that I am gone from my home, as he saw when he turned up there last week. Hopefully that will clock as he found new people living in there. The house is a bit of a journey away from where I know he might be based (where I'm staying) so it would be a pain to keep traveling there to find other people living in the house. And hopefully by November, he will have given up because that's when I return.

I just want to move on as lonely as it might seem. I cannot have contact with him whatsoever because I have no intention of having him back in my life.

He hasn't been to my workplace as yet. But I'm hoping his stupid mother will have told him I have moved back to my homeland and therefore do not work there anymore. I'm telling lies to keep me safe. Safe from ever having to face him again. I made it all clear in the letter of closure that I wrote to the mother and I stipulated to her to tell him to give up trying to find me because it would just cause him more pain. I really hope she has listened and acted appropriately.

[gotbushels]

I hoped my BPD ex would end his pain. Hence end his life. I'm not sure that makes me a very good person but the thought was definitely there. I know he will never be happy deep down and will always be enduring this inner pain from his childhood. It pains to think it let alone write it down.

I'd like to share that I have thought about the highlighted portion before. I generally don't dwell there as I do think it's not really productive or helpful to consider things outside of our control. Life and death is, to me, a definitive example of things outside our control--I prefer to leave those things up to God. I do understand the connection between ending pain and ending life.

Based on what you wrote, I would consider why the pain you feel for him is still causing you to have these thoughts. I don't think it's a good idea to contemplate ending a life through an interpretation of a person's pain. Perhaps it feels like the pain flows through us and we are drawn to problem solving--hence these thoughts of life and death. I think it's going a little far with putting oneself in another person's shoes. What do you think?

At least if he didn't survive he would be out of the black hole he is eternally in if he was to live. I really thought about this. The ironic thing was that the latter thought I had was then I could grieve properly and not fear him rentering my life. Or me witnessing that pain again in his eyes. Does that sound weird? The whole thought has definitely perplexed me even more.

It sounds unusual, it's quite an unusual thought to me. Something that might be valuable to you is that this could be a validation to yourself that his reentry into your life is obstructing your recovery (see highlighted).

My initial thought was based around his suffering. Again why am I putting him first when I'm out of the traumatic relationship we had?

I'm glad you can easily recognise and identify that your initial thought was based around his suffering. I do believe that many nons are in the habit of putting the other person first as a result of being in this type of relationship. It can become so automatic that it becomes hard to distinguish where the thoughts started from. Well done. 

So it follows that when someone is continually putting their own needs in front of another person's, that person becomes accustomed to that. My experience here was that I would try to anticipate my ex's sufferings so I could prepare the path upon which eggshells would be least painful for me. After a long-enough time of doing this, I ended up behaving in a way you can describe as always putting the other person first. To me this is a bit of a perversion of the societal belief to put others first.

I hear police sirens here in the city I'm staying in and can't help wondering if it's him causing problems or whether he is injured or even dead!

I can relate to this. I stopped generally talking about my relationship to people in my life because I do think it's fair to see that people that haven't been with a pwBPD would think I'm "just being dramatic". It's nice to be around people that know how extreme these relationships can be. Also, we can be thankful that our situations are not similar to the "very" extreme cases.

But I do need to focus on me, I realise. Just can't do so fully yet, that's all.

Yes. And that's okay. 


<edit:content>

[Brum]

Thank you for your insight gotbushels. Truly grateful. Having a few days out with work at the mo. Back to reality tonight. I hope I can gain the strength to get through this tough period. It's only been five and a half weeks. Still raw and still fresh. I'm trying to smile and put on a brave front but there are always triggers where he pops in my mind, and then my heart feels so heavy it hurts.

Time will tell. Hope he has let go... .

[gotbushels]

It's pleasant hearing about how you and things are recovering Brum. Please do continue to share with us how things develop from here for you in future.  Members that seem to get more out of this process explore things like self-inquiry and personal inventory. I didn't significantly start on that until a few months after by separation but it helped to get a feel for what that looked like for a non. If that interests you, you can follow this. Points 3.1—3.3 (Tools for self inquiry).

[drained1996]

Brum,

I'll echo gotbushels in saying please continue to share with us how you feel. 

Also this:
"Members that seem to get more out of this process explore things like self-inquiry and personal inventory. I didn't significantly start on that until a few months after my separation but it helped to get a feel for what that looked like for a non."

I'll note that your last post stated you hope HE has let go... .
this journey is about YOU now... .not him.  My healing didn't start until I fundamentally understood that I was not responsible for the way my exBPD felt. 

[Brum]

Well put drained. I agree but it does not come automatic. If it did this would not be so difficult.

[drained1996]

Brum, you are absolutely correct, it does not come automatic.  It's a process, and the beginning of that process is to shift one's focus to themselves.  Little by little... .it becomes easier... .time is a powerful tool in healing.  Time is something that cannot be sped up, one just has to accept time as it comes.  We feel the way we feel right now... .in time we will feel differently... .
It's how we process what we feel in a time that can make a difference... .and only time can allow for that process.  You are responsible for how you feel... .no one else... .just as you are not responsible for how someone else feels.  Does this make sense to you?

[Brum]

Yes I do understand. It will take time drained. Thank you.

[Brum]

Drained and gotbushels,

I have been reading about intelligence with BPD individuals. My ex was a chess champion. How can a highly disturbed person internally be so gifted at such a strategic thinking game like chess? Is it because they are calculating and like to trap people? Have got to say though, if I ever did beat him, he was a very sore loser.

I can't help miss his good traits. We had so much fun doing everything together. He was funny and danced like a rock star. It saddens me to even think of those moments. I used to video him daily and take his pictures. I was obsessed with him. Jeez. I can't believe I'm reflecting all of this!

[fromheeltoheal]

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