3 weeks and starting to feel it...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So, my ex of 9 years and I had a two-step break up. A year ago I attempted a full-on break up and after he bombed me with promises and pleading, I agreed to keep in contact while he sorted through his various issues. I was clear the chances of a reunion were remote but he was convinced he could win me back. At times he had me nearly convinced but they were short lived.

A little more than 3 weeks ago he became increasingly paranoid, convinced I was sleeping with a client (not even close), stalked me at work and made a drunken, frightening scene at my house that got him arrested for DV.

It's been 3+ weeks of mostly NC - he did show up twice in the immediate aftermath of his arrest. I sent him away.

Up until a few days ago I felt nothing. No sadness, no urge to call him, no curiosity as to what he was thinking or feelings but now I'm having some sadness. Today, I got a notice from the life insurance that he changed the contact address (i'm guessing the beneficiary too). Also, today I was about to head to the gym and then realized I'm on his membership - how embarrassing it would be to find that out at check in, so I didn't go.

It's feeling very real. I'd always imagined we'd grow old together. I'd imagined retirement would resolve many issues - how could he be jealous if I wasn't working? Resentful if I wasn't attending to my child? And then I hoped he might mellow with age.

We liked to do the same things, loved the same places - I always thought all of the hardships would pay off when we retired in ten years and were traveling or off in woods a few months a year.

He was typically so wonderful on vacations, perhaps because he was getting my undivided attention - I thought that's how it might be. Now, it's never going to happen. And, I'm likely to be alone, which in some ways doesn't seem so terrible but definitely doesn't promise to be nearly as fun as being with someone as lovely as he could be when he was in "vacation" mode.

I suppose I just need to get on with it - join a new gym, submit a change of address to the post office. I don't have many of his things here but I've been collecting them and storing them in the shed out back just in case he asks for them. Don't want a bunch of grief if he wants them.

He has court in two weeks for the arrest. The judge will call beforehand to ask if I want the no contact order extended and I'll say, "yes".

[satahal]

So, my ex of 9 years and I had a two-step break up. A year ago I attempted a full-on break up and after he bombed me with promises and pleading, I agreed to keep in contact while he sorted through his various issues. I was clear the chances of a reunion were remote but he was convinced he could win me back. At times he had me nearly convinced but they were short lived.

A little more than 3 weeks ago he became increasingly paranoid, convinced I was sleeping with a client (not even close), stalked me at work and made a drunken, frightening scene at my house that got him arrested for DV.

It's been 3+ weeks of mostly NC - he did show up twice in the immediate aftermath of his arrest. I sent him away.

Up until a few days ago I felt nothing. No sadness, no urge to call him, no curiosity as to what he was thinking or feelings but now I'm having some sadness. Today, I got a notice from the life insurance that he changed the contact address (i'm guessing the beneficiary too). Also, today I was about to head to the gym and then realized I'm on his membership - how embarrassing it would be to find that out at check in, so I didn't go.

It's feeling very real. I'd always imagined we'd grow old together. I'd imagined retirement would resolve many issues - how could he be jealous if I wasn't working? Resentful if I wasn't attending to my child? And then I hoped he might mellow with age.

We liked to do the same things, loved the same places - I always thought all of the hardships would pay off when we retired in ten years and were traveling or off in woods a few months a year.

He was typically so wonderful on vacations, perhaps because he was getting my undivided attention - I thought that's how it might be. Now, it's never going to happen. And, I'm likely to be alone, which in some ways doesn't seem so terrible but definitely doesn't promise to be nearly as fun as being with someone as lovely as he could be when he was in "vacation" mode.

I suppose I just need to get on with it - join a new gym, submit a change of address to the post office. I don't have many of his things here but I've been collecting them and storing them in the shed out back just in case he asks for them. Don't want a bunch of grief if he wants them.

He has court in two weeks for the arrest. The judge will call beforehand to ask if I want the no contact order extended and I'll say, "yes".

[VitaminC]

Hi Samanthal,

It's normal to feel something akin to sadness, after the initial relief. My own detachment followed a similar path. After a month or so of low-level self-congratulation at having finally managed it, I sank into something like depression. It surprised me and also confused me. Why was I suddenly so sad when I'd felt so good and none of my reasons had changed?

Gaining different awarenesses of what we've lost, feeling both relief and regret, sometimes the same day - all of it a normal part of the grieving process. However unfulfilling the relationship, we do mourn the good parts of it, and importantly, the dreams we had. The loss is also the loss of a future, which now stretches ahead asking to be filled with new things, something else we've not been able to imagine just yet.

You were together a long time. There were many different experiences. He was part of your family and important to your son. There's a lot of interweaving there. It will take your heart, my own heart too, a while to process all that. Whatever we can do with our heads, wonderful instruments as they contain, our hearts work at a slightly different pace.

A lot of opportunity in these moments of not knowing and even doubting. Patience, that's the key. It's ok to be sad for a while, to feel empty. Allow yourself that. (I try to take my own advice and often manage it, but sometimes not )

Now is the time to be gentle and caring of yourself. Changing your gym is a good thing. Changing a few little routines is good. Moving your furniture around, painting a wall, changing pictures on the wall, buying a new dressing gown, fresh flowers, going for an early morning walk and making yourself inhale deeply to smell the earth, the grass, whatever smells there are.  A new perfume or scented candles with unfamiliar smells. Feng shui your life a little?

[VitaminC]

And don't think too far ahead. It's too early to think about spending the rest of your life alone. None of us know what will happen.

[satahal]

And don't think too far ahead. It's too early to think about spending the rest of your life alone. None of us know what will happen.

That made me laugh. Yes, it's too early - but I always fast forward to the last act and it's rarely uplifting

Thanks for your encouraging words. I was so hoping I would just stay happy and relieved - that would be some trick and probably a little concerning if I had. I'm still convinced this is right.

Every so often a thing comes to me -  the way he'd get angry if I was listening to music when he came home, so I stopped listening to music while I prepared dinner or made sure to turn it off before he came in the door.

Things were worse than I could appreciate when I was in the middle of it. Romanticizing would be far worse. There were good times, moments that felt blissfully normal but never lasted beyond the vacation or a few weeks post-massive fight. That "normal" was blissful just underlines how painful it was most of the time.

I read a great essay on choosing to be a "solitary." I do creative work part of the time and it always seemed it would be luxurious to carve out more space for that - to protect it from intrusions. Relationships can use up creativity or make it difficult to fully exercise. That's what I'm thinking about for the near term.

I hope you're doing well. How goes it with you?

[WhoMe51]

Samanthal,

I just want to echo what VitaminC said.  When we get out of these types of relationships, we go through a variety of emotions.  There are times when you will feel several different things at once and then there will be times when you feel empty and numb.  But the key here is that you allow yourself to feel them.  And work through them.  A lot of times, we want to hurry and get through the healing process.  But just be patient with yourself and you will get through it.  And if you fall or you make a mistake, it's okay.  Just get back up and try again.  As long as you have breath, you can start over again. 

 I heard a speaker the other day say, "instead of finding the right one, why not become the right one and then you will attract the right one."  I like that quote.

[satahal]

Samanthal,

I just want to echo what VitaminC said.  When we get out of these types of relationships, we go through a variety of emotions.  There are times when you will feel several different things at once and then there will be times when you feel empty and numb.  But the key here is that you allow yourself to feel them.  And work through them.  A lot of times, we want to hurry and get through the healing process.  But just be patient with yourself and you will get through it.  And if you fall or you make a mistake, it's okay.  Just get back up and try again.  As long as you have breath, you can start over again. 

 I heard a speaker the other day say, "instead of finding the right one, why not become the right one and then you will attract the right one."  I like that quote.

Thank you WhoMe. I do need to work on patience. It scares me to feel sad - it's as if I think I'll break into pieces from it. That's the part I'd like to rush right through or avoid altogether. I've lost so much time to this r/s losing more to the grieving process seems a bit unfair but I expect it can't be avoided. I do just want to become fully myself - I don't feel any impetus to search for the next one - that's maturity because I always wished for an instant replacement in my youth.

[VitaminC]

I was so hoping I would just stay happy and relieved - that would be some trick and probably a little concerning if I had. I'm still convinced this is right.

Maybe. We're not machines, after all. Can't programme ourselves to stay the course. Well, some people can, I guess, but most of us don't have the discipline to squish our pesky emotions out of the way.

Every so often a thing comes to me -  the way he'd get angry if I was listening to music when he came home, so I stopped listening to music while I prepared dinner or made sure to turn it off before he came in the door.

Yea, me too. I had weeks of random memories flitting in and out of my consciousness. Like waking dreams, nearly. Brain processing the residue deep in those networks. I sometimes used a memory to stabilize my n/c, but more often just ended up wondering at the situation and trying to work out again who started it that time. Gradually they lessened.

Things were worse than I could appreciate when I was in the middle of it.

That's probably why they come back to haunt us, the memories. Because there's still classifying and categorizing we have to do. There is always some unresolved stuff at the end of every relationship, but nothing like at the end of one like this. Because so much happened, the pivots were fast, the brain whirling, the emotions in an unfocused tornado (erm, which would be just wind, I guess ).   We are pretty tired by the end of one of these and really need recovery time as all our systems try to get in sync again.

I read a great essay on choosing to be a "solitary." I do creative work part of the time and it always seemed it would be luxurious to carve out more space for that - to protect it from intrusions. Relationships can use up creativity or make it difficult to fully exercise. That's what I'm thinking about for the near term.

Share the essay, if you think it's generally useful? A good relationship would nourish that creativity. A bad one drains it.         Your plan for the near term is sound.  

My own process is hiccupy, sometimes I am a ballerina twirling and amazed at how graceful and powerful I am, other times I'm like a gallumping elephant at the back of a Zumba class.    

[satahal]

I was so hoping I would just stay happy and relieved - that would be some trick and probably a little concerning if I had. I'm still convinced this is right.

Maybe. We're not machines, after all. Can't programme ourselves to stay the course. Well, some people can, I guess, but most of us don't have the discipline to squish our pesky emotions out of the way.

Every so often a thing comes to me -  the way he'd get angry if I was listening to music when he came home, so I stopped listening to music while I prepared dinner or made sure to turn it off before he came in the door.

Yea, me too. I had weeks of random memories flitting in and out of my consciousness. Like waking dreams, nearly. Brain processing the residue deep in those networks. I sometimes used a memory to stabilize my n/c, but more often just ended up wondering at the situation and trying to work out again who started it that time. Gradually they lessened.

Things were worse than I could appreciate when I was in the middle of it.

That's probably why they come back to haunt us, the memories. Because there's still classifying and categorizing we have to do. There is always some unresolved stuff at the end of every relationship, but nothing like at the end of one like this. Because so much happened, the pivots were fast, the brain whirling, the emotions in an unfocused tornado (erm, which would be just wind, I guess ).   We are pretty tired by the end of one of these and really need recovery time as all our systems try to get in sync again.

I read a great essay on choosing to be a "solitary." I do creative work part of the time and it always seemed it would be luxurious to carve out more space for that - to protect it from intrusions. Relationships can use up creativity or make it difficult to fully exercise. That's what I'm thinking about for the near term.

Share the essay, if you think it's generally useful? A good relationship would nourish that creativity. A bad one drains it.         Your plan for the near term is sound.  

My own process is hiccupy, sometimes I am a ballerina twirling and amazed at how graceful and powerful I am, other times I'm like a gallumping elephant at the back of a Zumba class.    

That would be like me in Zumba class

Sorry, I'm terrible at pulling out quotes - I don't quite have the hang of it after the thread gets deeper but... .

Yes, lots of categorizing and processing - things were rarely as they seemed and so much gas lighting - at least in my case. I hope it floats in and out as gently as it has been so far. 

I haven't actually wept - which seems off. A little teary but not deeply pained. Perhaps that I ended it in two stages beginning a year ago mitigated the blow of this final ending.

I hope there are many more days pirouetting than stomping for you ahead

Here's the essay: www.harpers.org/archive/2015/04/going-it-alone-2/ It's geared towards a writer's life but I like the overall idea that there's a different thing than being coupled or singled; there's being a "solitary" and it's not about a lack but rather the opposite, another, very rich, sort of engagement with the world.