Feel Free to say I told you so 2

[Oncebitten]

Agreed she will never really forgive me and will place that guilt on me forever.  I addition I think she projects the guilt and shame she feels for her mistakes on me and expects me to shoulder those as well

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

And yet I still want her back.  I don't know what old wounds she found.  But they with her skilled hands have driven me to the brink of a breakdown.

I have to ask OB ... .when will it be enough?  Will you allow her to drive you to a breakdown before you say enough is enough?

[Oncebitten]

Im there enough is enough

[JerryRG]

Nothing reminds me more of my past addictions, alcohol and tobacco, than hearing someone say, "enough is enough"

I fought so hard to quit smoking, I did it and then start up again but finally stopped years ago. When I quit drinking I gave up my close drinking buddy's and thought my life would simply fall into place, after all, wasn't drinking too much the cause of all my problems?

Nope, found out I drank because of my problems, the alcohol just allowed me to plow my way through my problems and injure others in the process.

It was my immaturity and selfishness and mainly fear that dominated my life and so I drank to ease the pain brought on by living in constant fear and pain.

This relationship was my drug, I had everything I needed, beautiful woman, her love, my love for her, intimacy, drama, excitement, thrills, challenges, highs, lows, lies, drama, chaos, confusion, fears, mistrust, hopelessness and eventual defeat.

I feel in love with love, a dream, a drug.

Idealization phase was intoxicating and I got hooked fast and deep. I would sell my soul for one more hit.

She knew I would follow her to the gates of hell for one more fix.

I fought to stay alive

I found the truth

It set me free

I still have to live with the effects of years of that toxin flowing through my soul

I created a god

It almost cost me everything

Yes, so much like addiction

[patientandclear]

Agreed she will never really forgive me and will place that guilt on me forever.  I addition I think she projects the guilt and shame she feels for her mistakes on me and expects me to shoulder those as well

It may help to consider that it's unlikely that her ambivalence is "really" about the states reason anyway. That's a handy pretext. Most all of our BPD partners had one. The more fixed your gaze becomes on this supposed reason, its unfairness etc., the more you're missing the point: it's about misgivings that stem from long ago experiences you can't possible redress or even anticipate.

[PolandSpring4]

Curiously

I have met the definition of insanity.   More recycles than you can count. Her constantly ending the relationship sometimes over nothing. Telling me all is forgiven then digging up the past and coming apart over some percieved wrong doing.  Concidences are impossible in her mind.  My mistakes weren't just mistakes, they were things that I did deliberately to hurt her.  And yet I still want her back.  I don't know what old wounds she found.  But they with her skilled hands have driven me to the brink of a breakdown.

You're a human being. You're not infallible. The guilt I feel over the mistakes I made in my relationship 7 months ago still eats at me sometimes. You have to let yourself be human and recognize we've all done things we're not proud of. It's not easy, but punishing yourself for the rest of your life is not the answer. Sometimes the hardest lessons are the ones we needed the most. It's also important that we only accept things we are responsible for. If a relationship breaks down, both parties are usually at fault to some degree.

[patientandclear]

Except not necessarily with BPD. OB didn't do anything wrong. The woman broke up with him AND had been invoking another attachment (with her ex) for a long time. Him dating someone else after she left bothers her, yes, but he is not therefore at fault for the initial breakup or her current behavior.

[Oncebitten]

Except not necessarily with BPD. OB didn't do anything wrong. The woman broke up with him AND had been invoking another attachment (with her ex) for a long time. Him dating someone else after she left bothers her, yes, but he is not therefore at fault for the initial breakup or her current behavior.

My guilt comes from upsetting her.  And while I realize that I probably shouldn't carry that guilt part of me can't help it.  My actions while a result of her actions have caused the woman I love pain.  And that bothers me.  Her issue is that she feels I had something of value with this other woman and therefore i triggered that fear of abandonment.  Again had she not abandoned me this wouldn't have happened.

[PolandSpring4]

Except not necessarily with BPD. OB didn't do anything wrong. The woman broke up with him AND had been invoking another attachment (with her ex) for a long time. Him dating someone else after she left bothers her, yes, but he is not therefore at fault for the initial breakup or her current behavior.

Oh I wasn't saying he should feel incredibly guilty. It sounds like he was put through a lot. I was just saying that he doesn't need to carry any guilt that he does have forever. Sorry if it didn't come out that way.

[Oncebitten]

why is it that once I am ready to walk out the door she wants to email, text, call.  She told me to never contact her again just a couple of days ago when I was still trying to save the r/s.

[patientandclear]

Because the current distance is what she is comfortable with.

What happened to the ex?

[Sadly]

You know why, your not allowed to make that choice of leaving, remember, you have no choice, her way or no way. Mine used to be his way or no way, and back I would go. Remember that poem I wrote, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me ?
I HATE YOU DON'T LEAVE ME
In your world of broken dreams
Where torment cracks your soul when all your fears come out to play
And anger takes your whole
I pity you your inner child and ache to make you mend
But all of this just comes to naught
You do not want your friend.
I see suspicion in your eyes I see your anger grow
I cannot do a right for wrong
Or even let you know
It is not me that does you harm
Or pushes you away
The more I love the more you hate
Your nothing now, you say
And you are opening up the door
And pushing me outside
And yet your hand is gripping mine
Your tears you cannot hide
I stand alone out in the cold
I don't know what to do
My heart is broken, half of it,
I left inside with you
But as I turn so sadly now and quietly walk away
I hate you please don't leave I hear
and once again I stay.

I have re written the last line, it now goes
I know I cannot stay.

We have to re write the ending to our stories OB, cos surely nobody else can't  

[fromheeltoheal]

why is it that once I am ready to walk out the door she wants to email, text, call.  She told me to never contact her again just a couple of days ago when I was still trying to save the r/s.

You know why Once, she's responding to her fear of abandonment and trying to feel better.  And you have a choice about what you do about the communication attempts.  Best to focus on the goal, which is detachment, yes?

[Oncebitten]

FHTH

I know, just tough to wrap my head around.  IDK how you tell someone you hate them, tell them you never want to speak again.  wish them nothing but misery and when they are gone come up with an infinite number of ways to reach out.  Just confuses me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Just confuses me.

Yes, mental illness is confusing.  Best to stay the course and the confusion will go away.  Trust us for now, and when the fog clears you can trust yourself again.

[Oncebitten]

Has any one ever asked a pwBPD... .doesn't the back and forth exhaust them?  I have only been doing this for a year not a lifetime.  I guess they never see it as a problem

[Oncebitten]

Because the current distance is what she is comfortable with.

What happened to the ex?

as far as I know he is still in the picture

[Oncebitten]

You know why, your not allowed to make that choice of leaving, remember, you have no choice, her way or no way. Mine used to be his way or no way, and back I would go. Remember that poem I wrote, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me ?
I HATE YOU DON'T LEAVE ME
In your world of broken dreams
Where torment cracks your soul when all your fears come out to play
And anger takes your whole
I pity you your inner child and ache to make you mend
But all of this just comes to naught
You do not want your friend.
I see suspicion in your eyes I see your anger grow
I cannot do a right for wrong
Or even let you know
It is not me that does you harm
Or pushes you away
The more I love the more you hate
Your nothing now, you say
And you are opening up the door
And pushing me outside
And yet your hand is gripping mine
Your tears you cannot hide
I stand alone out in the cold
I don't know what to do
My heart is broken, half of it,
I left inside with you
But as I turn so sadly now and quietly walk away
I hate you please don't leave I hear
and once again I stay.

I have re written the last line, it now goes
I know I cannot stay.

We have to re write the ending to our stories OB, cos surely nobody else can't  

Sadly yes I remember your poem, so powerful so true to all of us here I know.  I know the condition the illness.  I have been here long enough, read enough.  Talked with you all enough to know how this plays out.  I guess logic gets the better of me.  And I know that logic cannot be use with a pwBPD.  But my mind cant help but try and apply it.  In all my days it has never failed me, until I met her.  Perhaps that's why we were such a bad fit.  A woman who's emotions run her life , and a man who does everything he can to make sure his emotions influence him as little as possible.

[patientandclear]

FHTH

I know, just tough to wrap my head around.  IDK how you tell someone you hate them, tell them you never want to speak again.  wish them nothing but misery and when they are gone come up with an infinite number of ways to reach out.  Just confuses me.

OB: you've written many posts in this vein over the time I've read your story. I think this right here is a big barrier for you: you are choosing a state of confusion despite a ton of information about how this can happen. PwBPD struggle with contradictory impulses toward and away from closeness, feel threatened by merger, but seek it, don't know how to maintain the line btwn themselves and others, feel if they let themselves be too close the other will annihilate them, don't trust that they can protect themselves, often have little insight so externalize responsibility for all this, project and deny.

It is heartbreaking, devastating ... .But I'd submit, at this point, not confusing. It is utterly predictable.

You can choose to keep participating but please work on letting go of confusion. It may have become an excuse for avoiding decision-making.

[Sadly]

That's interesting OB, because if you apply logic to what you are doing now, with all of your knowledge of BPD and its component parts, then logic must tell you to walk away. Are you applying logic, doesn't sound logical or is it justification that is keeping you where you are? Or, is it in fact emotion the thing you are fighting hard not to have?
 

[fromheeltoheal]

I think this right here is a big barrier for you: you are choosing a state of confusion despite a ton of information about how this can happen.

And sometimes we don't see it as a choice because we're lost in the fog.  Lots of people are giving you lots of great info Once, and you'll be able to integrate all of it with time, although remember it's only been a couple of days since you last spoke, and a week ago it seemed like you were still trying to make it work.

So all you need to know for now is: Don't communicate with her, in any way.

And that will feel strange, weird and different, but you need to get some time away from her influence under your belt so you can start integrating the rest of what we're all learning together.

[once removed]

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