Recycling attempt by exgf

[Bigmd]

Ok guys most of you know my story. I'm over a year removed from toxic relationship with my exgf who I thought was BPD. I was no contact for almost 8 months until an"how are you text" in march. Since than I've had limited contact with her. I'm in a new relationship and happy. The last time we texted was 2 weeks ago. I replied to a text she sent me . She went silent ... .Again. The other night she texted me at work. She said she's trying to communicate with me but it's not work so goodbye, don't text me. I was shocked at first but I know this is how it goes. I told her she never responded to my last text so what's the sense . Anyway we talked a bit until she went to sleep. The next day she texted me again. I didn't respond. 4hours later she asks me in an angry way, is there any reason why you won't respond. Right there I knew I had to end this silly charade . I had knots in my stomach. I told her I'll text her from work. When I did she said," I'll ask you again , what's the reason why you didn't respond !" ughh the old familiar feelings again. I told her I was sleeping but actually was because my girlfriend was at house.
    The next day she asks me to meet for coffee. I told her I can't. And then in what seemed like an angry response she said " why Michael!"
With total anxiety I told her I was in a relationship. She responded by saying she won't bother me anymore. For some damn reason I was the one feeling bad. I needed  to tell her some stuff so I said I'll talke to her at work. For the last year I've wanted to tell her what she did to me. I know closure is never an option with BPD but for my own peace of mind I needed to get it out.
       So for about an hour of texting I told her exactly what she did and how bad it hurt . She denied treating me bad and would not take any responsibility. I don't know why I expected her to. She did apologize for the way she acted after we broke up. She than had the nerve to say I was supposed to wait for her. Haha , are you kidding? Wait! A year? So to me it seems she wanted to recycle. We ended on good terms I guess but I felt sad for some reason, like I was the one hurting her. Immediately after I started reading about charming. It described everything she did. The apology, she wants me to be happy, telling me I'm making her out to be the b___ , etc... . So crazy , I'm not really sure how to feel about this.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi There,
   You do know she will likely amp up contact now that she knows:

1) She can get you to respond to her and engage
2) You have a girlfriend

Just my opinion, if you love your new girlfriend and respect her, don't stoop to the games of your BPD ex. Trust me, I know how great it is to be contacted, esp if you were cruelly dumped. Without help, your ex hasn't changed. She might be all sweet and acting different because someone got tired of her crap and now she wants your attention. All this is is a numbers and attention game. No one ever wins.

Please don't do this to yourself.

I did this for 3yrs. My ex cheated and left and ignored, smeared, told others I abused her when I never even called her a bad word (yet I was called many).

If the relationship you are in now is better than the one you were in you owe this to your new GF to cease all contact with your ex. Nothing good ever comes of it. I actually left someone to go back to my ex.

Terrible mistake. Each recycle is worse and proves to the BPD you are easily manipulated and a sucker. They end up despising you because you are so controllable... .a doormat.

and in many ways we are at that point. We become so addicted to the drama, that is why new relationships seem boring.

They aren't. They are normal!

Again, this is just my opinion. I have read many of your posts and you seem like a great person. You deserve the best. Personal opinion... .ignore her and she will find another outlet. She will amp up contact for awhile but eventually she will go away.

PW

[Bigmd]

Oh no ,make no mistake .that was it . I vented to her and I feel better. We ended on good terms but that is it. I have no intensions of going back .

[Pretty Woman]

I didn't think so... .I just wanted to be an angel on your shoulder encouraging you not to even consider it. 

I know for me it was hard because when she reappeared she was on her absolute best behavior. That's how you get sucked in. After a few of those I realized I was being a dumb arse and really was asking for it.

I wish you the best. Keep posting!

[bdyw8]

Hey Bigmd, I sent you a PM as well last week --- this sounds SO frighteningly similar to the antics of my exBPDgf.   It's all about control and manipulation and that is exactly how they work.  When I allowed her into my home in December so that I could "vent" my pain and anger, she flat out DENIED ever doing the things or saying the things she had said to me over the last few months of our relationship in 2015.  

It wasn't out and out denial, but she said she "didn't remember" doing or saying these things.   She apologized too and used everything in the playbook to rope me again.  When I was discarded a week after being suckered back in (in December) I finally saw through all her BS and I have put up a solid wall with her ever since.  I know that she is toxic and poison to me and I don't want to drink it anymore.  Sometimes the poison is obvious, other times it's masked with "apologies" or "good intentions".  Either way, I don't want to be exposed to it in any way as the poison takes over my thinking again in no time as it seems as though it has done to you again (trying to make sense of her behaviour).

Run!   Trust your instincts!   If you want to save your sanity, I would suggest going back to NC and full on blocking.  That is just me speaking from my experience of course.  Full NC is the only way I was able to achieve peace and get over things.   Although venting feels good TEMPORARILY, it doesn't really give us closure because I don't believe that true BPD ever take responsibility - they may say they do as a means to manipulate and win us back (as I saw my exBPD do to me SEVERAL times over 4 years), but it was never sincere and only a tactic.  Once they get what they want, all the accountability goes out the window - looks like your ex was already doing that to you and blaming you again, so that should be a good sign to stay away... .  Best wishes in your continued recovery!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Bigmd, Seems like you dipped your toe back into the toxic soup.  Be careful, it's dangerous in those waters.  Why are you doing this to yourself?  Presumably there is a reason why you decided to re-engage.  What is that reason?  Might help if you identified it.

LJ

[Bigmd]

Yeah guys thanks, I'm a lot stronger theses days . I know her game. I'm doin ok and went to a therapy session just to make sure. I really do feel bad for her but she's not my problem anymore. I never thought I would be recycled. The anxiety I had was the same as when we were together .

[Stripey77]

I love that... .you were supposed to have waited for her? Is this how some of their minds work? My ex dumped me after 3 weeks of ST after HE got drunk and effectively stood me up on a date - which, incidentally, he managed to turn around to being my fault - and this was all on a recycle to boot. At the time I knew nothing of BPD, recycling, none of it, so had no idea what had just hit me. All I knew was that the man I loved who had dropped me from a great height had come back in my life, then disappeared on me. After telling me his brain is injured and he's so glad he's got me to help him heal.

When I saw him on a night out, I went to walk past him because I'd given up trying to get him to respond to me, tell me why he'd gone AWOL on me after standing me up, etc. He then pulled me over  - me who was minding my own business, not trying to engage him in conversation, but trying to keep my head high even though I was dying inside - to tell me that we didn't work, he'd been thinking about us as a couple, and that basically he was leaving me again. This was only because he had physically seen me, mind, otherwise I guess he was going to leave me dangling. In the heart wrenching conversation that ensued, I asked him (before he suddenly walked out on me mid sentence and didn't look back) if I should look for someone else. And do you know what he said? NO!


Huh? You don't want me but you don't want to release me to anyone else?

BTW he has just repeated the entire performance again, after a 6 month ST (all my fault of course) he came back in my life, telling me how 'we don't work' but still wanting to be close to me, spend nights with me, have huge huge heart to hearts. He is currently totally and utterly ignoring me, after telling me he's evil and doesn't deserve me.  He is reading my text messages though. I saw him yesterday in town, and although he almost ran away from me again, I actually saw a flicker of a smile. I made a point of waving and saying hello to him. He kept his head down, of course.

I wonder if he would have been smiling if, after leaving me in limbo yet again, he'd seen me with someone else.  I wonder if he's even considered the possibility of that happening?

[myself]

We ended on good terms I guess

Just wondering, what is 'good terms' in this situation?

[kentavr3]

Ignore and no contact! If you don't , you are again back to the game. This will never ends.

[Confused108]

Lol! Sorry for laughing but my ex BPD told me the same bs that I was supposed to wait for her once she found out that I was married! Are you kidding me? It just goes to prove how one sided these relationships with these people are. It's all about them! All about their needs etc. . Run Big and never ever look back.

[Bigmd]

Yeah I know. I'm out of there. She's blocked . It's funny because that one convo went from her wanting to meet to just apologize to I should of waited and we were meant to be. It's like she was insulted.