A year out and still some claws stuck in me

[Anez]

Hey all, hope everybody is doing well. it's been a while since I posted on here.

I'm coming up to the year anny of my pwBPD detaching from me. Overall I'm doing OK. I work with mine and that has caused some issues over the past year but overall my anxiety seeing her in the office and whatnot has gone down a considerable amount.

I wanted to write here that I'm doing great and I've moved on and that is all behind me now. And while a lot of it is behind me I still feel some slight pangs and think about her often. Not as often as I once did, but I definitely reflect back to the good times.

Over the weekend I saw that she checked in and look at some of my social media. I haven't blocked her because I want to live without feeling like i have to block someone from my life. I live my life and they live theirs. But over the past few days since seeing that she looked I've totally been thinking back to the good ol days. I just saw her in the office and we didn't say anything, we rarely do say anything and when we do it's a hi or whatever and we keep moving. It's been odd to have been so close with her and no have her just be someone who walks by me at work but that is how these things go. I'm friendly with other ex's in my life. But it says a lot about my ex's BPD condition that we rarely, if ever, even say a word to each other.

I'm still going to therapy, which has helped a ton. I really am a lot better than I was in the months after the detachment. I'm doing good things for myself - seeing friends, playing golf, dating, etc. And some great things have happened for me with my work. I'm proud of myself for fighting through those first 5-6 months and not letting it affect my work. they were brutal days.

I guess I'm just writing to say while I know where I need to be emotionally I'm not quite there just yet. And that is OK. these relationships are like addictions and seeing her check in on my social media stuff was just that drug coming back into my life again, albeit for a brief moment.

thanks for listening and for all those who are just in the early days/weeks/months of losing their ex just know this - it does get better with time, as hard as that might be and feel right now.

Keep pushing forward and being good to yourself.

[Rayban]

Thank you for that Anez. I also work with my ex, and we also dont speak.  This suits me fine, as I know that even a conversation with her could do a lot of damage and set me back.

It does get easier with time. It's a matter of not forgetting about why I went no contact to begin with. It's difficult because memories of the good times, flood me sometimes but I have to stay strong.

Just wondering how you know she checked your social media? Furthermore, does she know you could tell who checks your social media?  If she does it could have been away to test if it was enough to get you to re-engage.

[Anez]

Hey rayban, yup time definitely helps. My T says it's good in that I'm forced to deal with emotions that come up but it does mean it will take longer to get over it all. It's just a process and you have to be patient and ride the ups and downs knowing that you will one day get to where you need to be.

I know she looked at my social media because on snapchat it tells you who has looked at each post. She prob knows I know she looked. She looked a lot over a week stretch in early August when I was off costing family and seeing a concert of a band I introduced her to. She texted me the day after the show - her first text to me in months - saying the stuff I posted from the concert was amazing. I wrote back thanks, it was a great night. And let it be. She then went a few weeks without looking and then made her return.

I have no clue what to make of it - she could be looking at something she misses or she could just mindlessly going through social media. Whatever it is she hasn't said anything about any of it in real life. Very BPD of her.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Anez,

Thank you for posting your progress. It sounds like you are in a very good place one year out. I remember feeling better around that mark, too. It's been 4 years for me and my life has changed a lot. I feel really good.

So, YES, it gets better... .and even after it's better, I feel like the gift of the experience just keeps on giving, and it gets even better... .

I was lucky in that I didn't have to see or communicate with pwBPD after the breakup (long distance). I admire your strength in handling seeing her at work—that would have been very challenging for me. I think it might have slowed my recovery down a lot. Similar to you, pwBPD attempted indirect communication with me several times, but I didn't reply until recently, when he contacted me directly.

Well done, Anez. It's great to read posts like yours.

heartandwhole

[Cleanglass]

Keeping her on snapchat and other social media apps is holding you back. You're giving her access to your life which she intends to exploit. There is no other reason why she would look. She only cares about herself. That's how it works. It's not their fault and she's not a monster. Something happened a long time ago (also genetics is believed to be a part of it) and it moulded her subconscious this way.

The point is that you need to set up boundaries, even now.

[Anez]

Yeah, you're not wrong, Cleanglass. She told me her childhood was very messed up, violent older brother, father left her mother, mother was a HS guidance counselor who slept with students, her mother still comes home (my ex and her young daughter moved in w her mother last year) blackout drunk sometimes. My ex's past definitely led to her present. Even in feb when she and I were trading texts she told me she was "broken" and I said I'm sorry from the stuff in your past is affecting your present and she said "those things are on my mind every day."

With all that said I haven't looked at her social media in many months. I can only block her from my snapchat if/when she looks again since I don't follow her. It's been on my mind and yeah when I see her name looking at my posts it definitely does inject some of that long-lost drug into my body. I'm very much aware of that and know it's not a good thing in my recovery. I think the addicted part of my brain still wants her to see my life so she can see that i'm doing well, being out there, enjoying myself. it's the ol' f you to what she did to me. That isn't the most mature thing for me to do and I need to correct that. there is definitely still a small part of me that shakes off all that i know and all that went wrong and still wants her back in my life and I understand that will continue to get smaller and smaller until it's gone for good.