recycle frequency

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

11 years of relationship, 2 years married.
During our relationship we had to deal with huge problems put on us from outside.
(Courtcases, problems with her divorce, immigration service, health issues, relapse on alcohol and recovery from her.)Every 2-3 years our relationship was tested on a level no relationship normally would suvive, but it did.
In 2014 finally we made it after a struggle with her chemotreatment, no new problems to expect, ready for the good life.
That's the moment she left out of the blue, never have seen and heard of her again.
Looking back it seems that during struggles we fought as a loving team, it seems the stopwatch everytime was turned back to zero.
Is a devalution cycle from 2-3 years a possible script?

PS she left leaving a note when i was at work, hugging in the morning, she thanked me for everything ending with Love <name>.
Two weeks ago i was able to contact her first time after 2,5 years with help of a third party.
He told her is was emotionally still struggling (she left being married, leaving all possesions behind incl her dog and took a plane), her answer was "He (me) is a dramaperson".

[jo19854]

11 years of relationship, 2 years married.
During our relationship we had to deal with huge problems put on us from outside.
(Courtcases, problems with her divorce, immigration service, health issues, relapse on alcohol and recovery from her.)Every 2-3 years our relationship was tested on a level no relationship normally would suvive, but it did.
In 2014 finally we made it after a struggle with her chemotreatment, no new problems to expect, ready for the good life.
That's the moment she left out of the blue, never have seen and heard of her again.
Looking back it seems that during struggles we fought as a loving team, it seems the stopwatch everytime was turned back to zero.
Is a devalution cycle from 2-3 years a possible script?

PS she left leaving a note when i was at work, hugging in the morning, she thanked me for everything ending with Love <name>.
Two weeks ago i was able to contact her first time after 2,5 years with help of a third party.
He told her is was emotionally still struggling (she left being married, leaving all possesions behind incl her dog and took a plane), her answer was "He (me) is a dramaperson".

[gotbushels]

Is a devalution cycle from 2-3 years a possible script?

Interesting question. It would be interesting to see what other peoples' experiences are around this.

My relationship's devaluation cycles seemed to be anywhere from 0.25 days to 3 weeks. I roughly define a low as her breaking up / inciting infidelity / substance abuse / physical violence and a high as going on a big date / clinging attachment. For clarification, 0.25 days because she can do a cycle up and down more than once within 24 hours.

Recycle as in break-up / attachment would be around 1 day to 3 weeks. We had more than 30 breakups in one year.

[Cleanglass]

The more you reach out, the further she'll run.

If you're still trying to reach out to her then you didn't move on. The best way to move on is get rid of the stuff of hers that you don't need (clothes etc. NOT THE DOG) and start living again.

Some of them want to get help so they don't have to go through the emotional rollercoaster forever. Some of them just want attention. Mostly, they don't know what they want. All they know is when you try to get too close to something, they'll do whatever they can to stop that from happening.

When she realises you're moving on (and don't try to outsmart her and make it look like you are - they're practically trained for these things) she might come looking for you. My advice: Be ready to show her door when that happens.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, it's true there is a progression to the disorder, a pattern of idealization moving into devaluation, and sometimes folks stick around through the devaluation stage and up pops another idealization stage for a while, and then repeat.  And a "recycle" happens when the couple breaks up and then gets back together, common in a lot of relationships and more common in one with a borderline, but then what?  Breaking up once or even twice and getting back together again may be part of the dance of a passionate relationship, but more than that, it's beneficial to look at what is going on with us, why are we in that cycle?  And it's common here for members to say things like "my ex recycled me", instead of "we got back together", obviously giving the borderline all the power; what's that about?  Lots of value in digging into what we did and what we were thinking and believing when we did it, on our way to healthy futures.