Out of the FOG into the light...from CJ

[FallBack!Monster]

 
Im no expert by any means, but i think I understand what hit me and would like to share some thoughts on it.

pwBPD and others with PDs, don't really have feelings. They come up with impulsive ideas. Sex is not like the feeling we feel either. It's just a mischievous act and they perform the act. It's not love making. They don't get the concept.

Let's keep it real, if you have an ex with BPD DONT... .
Chase, try to understand, to say sorry, convince, fight back, buy flowers, etc. NOTHING! IF s/he left you, she's done with you. If comes back you're in for even more abuse.

None of that will work. If they left is bc they found someone else.  If they do accept your flowers, is not accepted like a normal person wld accept it. It's seen as you're so silly you don't know what s/he's up to. Forget about keeping a friendship going. You can if you want to get used. Overall, once they have devalued you, you think you were being received before? Ha! you're in for it, if you try to come close after s/he has found a replacement.
Like they say, don't fret about who is next. That will be over soon enough. Most likely by the pwBPD if not by the next guy. But it will be over. The only friend you have is time.

Don't feel sorry for him or her. To a certain extent they kno exactly what they're doing and have no idea how to feel bad for you. No matter how soft, sensitive or pitiful he or she seems to you, walk away. Deal with the pain. It will get better. But never if you stay.

They use their families, they use their friends, you are no exception.  It's nothing that you did, s/he has just moved on to play someone else and if you keep pushing up, you're just seen as in the way.

No you didn't lose the love of your life. You got involved with a person like someone else stated, with a sickness you can't see. Believe me, I'm not out of the woods myself yet. But I know what I expressed here is no lie. I'm a 100℅ sure of it. Time has been my only true friend. She wasn't, at all. I know that now.

Forget about looking into your past to fix yourself otherwise you ex would have this or that. By all means, if you feel you need consulng go get it. But just know that's not the real you were  received by a person with a PD. Psychopaths & Sociopath receive everybody, all their lives. How can that be "your" fault or your flaw. Nope! It is theirs. Give time, some time to help you out. It will.  Good luck all of you that actually need the support. I'm here. May not post but will be reading.

[heartandwhole]

Hi FallBack!Monster,

I'm sorry that things went so badly with your ex, and that you had to go through this. I can understand your feelings of anger at about what happened in your relationship. The pain many of us had to endure certainly feels unfair, and the behavior can even feel cruel at times. It's normal and human to rail against the injustice of that.

Sharing your experience does help others to understand what happened to you, and how you are handling it. Often, we can extrapolate information and guidance from each others' stories, but it's important to remember that each pwBPD is unique and the individual dynamic of the "non" person with the pwBPD is different in each case. For that reason, I'd be careful about generalizing (e.g., "they". "They" doesn't exist, except in the most sketchy outline of patterns that often show up in a person with a certain disorder.

My experience with a person diagnosed with BPD was very different from yours (e.g., he felt very keenly, he did not have control/awareness of some of his reactions when he was very dysregulated, he never raged, etc.). As for working on our issues: I think it's always a good idea, in ANY relationship, but that's my opinion. You certainly make an excellent point that it is not our fault that someone else has a personality disorder, and we shouldn't take it on as our responsibility to "fix."

It sounds to me like you want to help protect others here from what you went through, FallBack. Do I have that right?

heartandwhole

[Cleanglass]

They are only capable of feeling for themselves. I think people need to remember this is deep rooted. They've had a lot of years to create a poker face for society to see. They're not evil. They're just messed up beyond repair.

If you stay with someone in this condition, whether you go back to them or simply are now trying to be friends, you're staying in their lives knowing that you serve a purpose to them and nothing else. You will always be the rebound - even if you think you're the first, they will always be projecting something from themselves onto you.

[FallBack!Monster]

I'd be careful about generalizing (e.g., "they". "They" doesn't exist,

I'd argue that and say yes they do but you're right about generalizing. However I was speaking in terms of correlation Btw my ex, she's way more awful than I described.  Especially when she'd twist my words to suit herself. But today, that's alright. 
Cleanglass

they will always be projecting something from themselves onto you

What do you mean by the above? Project something onto me?

[fromheeltoheal]

Forget about looking into your past to fix yourself otherwise you ex would have this or that. By all means, if you feel you need consulng go get it. But just know that's not the real you were  received by a person with a PD. Psychopaths & Sociopath receive everybody, all their lives. How can that be "your" fault or your flaw. Nope! It is theirs. Give time, some time to help you out. It will.  Good luck all of you that actually need the support. I'm here. May not post but will be reading.

What if it's not about fault FBM?  What if it's not about looking for something that needs to be "fixed"?  What if we ended up in relationships with people with traits of a personality disorder and we didn't know that, either because our partner was very good at hiding it and we were completely blindsided, it was obvious but we didn't see it, or the whole thing felt very familiar based on our past, does it matter?  What if we now ask the question how can I use this?  What if it's not about blame, what if it's about using an experience to grow, and any emotional pain we're feeling as motivation, on the way to a future of our own design?  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  If that were true, how would you look at the relationship?

[FallBack!Monster]

Using this experience to grow? I'm grown believe me, you. I. Sorry if you perceived my post as blame. Not at all. Ever does happen for a reason. Not always a good reason. Let me ask you something. Are you saying that I needed this in my life before I die?  Are you say that she saved me? Are you saying thanks to her I'm now a better person?  FHTH

[fromheeltoheal]

Are you saying that I needed this in my life before I die?  Are you say that she saved me? Are you saying thanks to her I'm now a better person?  FHTH

No, I'm suggesting that one way out of anger and towards emotional detachment is to find a benefit in the experience that was the relationship, some upside for us that we can take with us.  We never stop growing and evolving, and many folks here have looked back after a while, realized the benefits they got from the experience and become grateful for them.  So can you find something FBM?

[FallBack!Monster]

Every time I see the word anger referencing to my post, I reread and don't see anger. I see what I am attempting to share. That it is hopeless in every possible way to treat any part of a r/s with a pwBPD like you wld do in a normal r/s; before and after the discard, or been painted black. All efforts are useless. They just don't understand the concept of loyalty, love, affection, etc.

What I can take with me? Yes don't trust people who lie. If they tell you simple lies what else wouldn't they lie about. But then again, i already knew that. So no.

Believe me, I've looked for the value in our acquaintance. I honestly view it as a waste of "my" time. To me its like working an idea or project for beneficial reasons. Putting in months and months of work. At the end of the day, tired as hell. But right back at it tomorrow. Thinking your building for bc a better future. Putting in many hours for months. Then one day, out of nowhere, it's destroyed. No one knows what happened and no one is fesing up. After the confusion,  everybody loses interest. Too much work for nothing.

Could have been working on something more concrete. I feel she purposely came into my life with the knowledge that soon she'll be leaving. That was a waste of my time.

 Now, everybody sees things differently. If you feel your experience with your ex taught you a good lesson, I congratulate you. I don't feel that way. She solicits people lives just to learn a new way of being. I don't want to learn that. Hope I've answered your questions. No anger just facts.

[once removed]

i dont know if my experience will be the same as yours, FallBack!Monster, but after my relationship i realized i had baggage i was carrying into all of my relationships. in complicated ways, it was coloring the choices i made when it came to the partners i was choosing, and felt compatible with. realizing that was kind of freeing, ya know? i wish id realized it sooner, but i learned when i was ready, as we all do, and ultimately i gained a lot from the experience. i find that that has far outlasted the pain.

when i was in the middle of that pain i searched for a meaning behind it. this had to be more than just something awful that happened to me. it couldnt have been for nought. my lesson couldnt be that i should live an overly cautious life as a result of what happened, and trust myself and others less. no, thats the path i was already traveling and further pain was ahead. the pain, as great as it was, was ultimately replaced with a greater capacity to love and receive love; not to mention better foresight  

maybe it took the relationship for that to be, maybe it didnt, who knows? regardless, i believe thats now more available to all of us, and gives pain a meaning.

[valet]

Now, everybody sees things differently. If you feel your experience with your ex taught you a good lesson, I congratulate you. I don't feel that way. She solicits people lives just to learn a new way of being. I don't want to learn that. Hope I've answered your questions. No anger just facts.

It's not a pissing contest, and you're entitled to those feelings. I've been just as angry at times.

I think what fromheeltoheal might be saying is that it would be wise for yourself in the future to remove blame from your vocabulary as much as possible. If you are trying to detach, then carrying that resentment will only hinder you. I dunno about you, but if I'm on a longer journey I prefer a lighter bag.

 

[FallBack!Monster]

I see now what he's talking about. Yup! The group wins. You hqve convinced me. guys are right. I'm blaming her and I'm carrying baggage. And there's no validity in my words. I know I don't fit the bill. 

Something really wrong with me and I better get it right before I move on. Got it. I'm lucky to have known her. My life is much better because of her. I'm angry because she lied, cheated, and destroyed things and lives. Now, I'm sure "bc I met her" nothing like this will ever happen again. Truth is, I love her and I want her back so that she can continue teaching more life lessons. I'm busted. To the ones I was trying to reach initially.  Scratch all that. They are right.  I'm wrong. What an anger filled post.

[once removed]

FallBack!Monster,

who said anger is a bad thing? its a stage of grief, its part of detachment, and theres such a thing as righteous anger. theres a lot of validity to it.

do you view anger as a bad thing, or shameful thing? i find that i feel anger in complicated ways. sometimes i dont feel it soon enough, sometimes i feel it disproportionately, and i think that i do have some shameful associations with anger despite what i know intellectually. what about you?

[FallBack!Monster]

All true but this post wasn't about anger or grief. People can hate who they want. Idc.

[once removed]

what was it about? i dont mean i didnt read it; what did it mean to you? was it a warning to members? is it how you currently see your relationship? something you wanted go get off your chest?

the same may not apply to you, but i did a lot of writing as i processed my grief, and in retrospect it was more about grief than i thought. feelings have a funny way of changing as we process them. the cool thing about that is that all of its progress.

Let's keep it real, if you have an ex with BPD DONT... .
Chase, try to understand, to say sorry, convince, fight back, buy flowers, etc. NOTHING! IF s/he left you, she's done with you. If comes back you're in for even more abuse.

did you do those things? ive done them in past relationships, and feel sometimes to this day i could kick myself for it.

[FallBack!Monster]

Nope! I did not do any of it. I tried to remain acquainted but it became obvious that if she couldn't have it her way she wanted nothing all.

I never ever denied still going through" the process"   I'm not a sociopath. Yes for members who were still in denial about why this or thatt. I thought that was clearly stated.

When my ex switch up on me I was relieved. Not happy but relieved. First I was shocked that she had changed so quickly. Then I was hurt because I realized our intimate moments we're nothing to her. Then I missed her plenty, then I felt this, then that. Many feelings and emotions.

 Unfortunately human beings have feelings. so? Then I felt resentment, then I went through all the above emotions again and again, on and off. then one day woke up and decided to make lemonade. Bc do you want lemonade or you like the bitter taste of lemon/lime? We now have one thing in common, our feelings for each other is mutual. That evens the playing field.

But if you call it grief, validated!  grief it is. Thanks

[FallBack!Monster]

FB!M - WOW. Tough pill to swallow but I know what you mean. I been trying several ways to talk to my ex and he won't see me. He never return my calls never calls or visit me. I left hima  nice messages send him text to call me back and the day he left we were friends. We made love the last time he came. It was different and It felt less loving but he hold me tight as always. He never stop telling me he love me. I didn't know why he never came back. I was loss and felt confusion in my soul. My grandfather went to work one day when I was a little girl and a few days later they found his body. He had been kill thats why he didn't come home. I was scared for him. I start to call and call and call him. Then I text him and nothing. My friend that work with him told me on Monday that my ex was at work and he look fine. He never said we wasn't together. My friend didn't know nothing. My ex never said nothing was that wrong. My ex was very nice to me in my face but talk bad about me in the streets. He finally text me back. I was glad to see what he said and all he said was I'm tired from work I'm going to sleep. After a hole month of ignoring me that's it?
When Sundays are here is hard for me to cope. I say hi but now he take me for a joke to him. I tried in many ways for him to just talk to me but nothing work.