Broke NC after months. What do I do now?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was doing really well. I had gotten some random messages from her over the last three months but I haven't responded. Last night for some reason after a few drinks I texted her and said "hey just wanted to say hello and hope you had a good summer. You don't need to respond take care of yourself".    This morning I got a text back from her saying hey hope you're well do you want to grab lunch today? Then she called me and I answered and again asked me to go to lunch today but was very vague with everything else. I said I don't think the time is right or some  excuse like that.    It brought back a lot of emotions and why part of me doesn't want to meet her I know I can't. But now I feel this pull towards her again. Any advice has anyone been in this situation? I'm mad at myself for opening that door

[Confused99]

I was doing really well. I had gotten some random messages from her over the last three months but I haven't responded. Last night for some reason after a few drinks I texted her and said "hey just wanted to say hello and hope you had a good summer. You don't need to respond take care of yourself".    This morning I got a text back from her saying hey hope you're well do you want to grab lunch today? Then she called me and I answered and again asked me to go to lunch today but was very vague with everything else. I said I don't think the time is right or some  excuse like that.    It brought back a lot of emotions and why part of me doesn't want to meet her I know I can't. But now I feel this pull towards her again. Any advice has anyone been in this situation? I'm mad at myself for opening that door

[Jewguy]

I´m still dealing with my first week after break up, so I don´t know if my advice is any good. But as a former alcoholic I tell you that you should right down this numbers you want to keep but don´t want to talk to the person in a small note book and keep it somewhere you won´t have it easily (safe or even at a friends or relative´s house). And finally delete the contacts from your phone. I think this could have avoided your pain. I Hope you start feeling better soon!

[fromheeltoheal]

This is an opportunity Confused.  First, you say you texted her for "some reason"; what was that reason?  Of course alcohol lowers our inhibitions, so that reason was probably something you wanted to do anyway but were resisting, and the resistance went away with the booze.  Then you answered when she called and you made an excuse that the "time wasn't right", which was probably pretty accurate right?

Terms like "Going NC" or "Broke NC" get thrown around a lot, and what we're really doing can get lost.  You mention you feel a pull towards her again, so you've been triggered, a psychological byproduct of being emotionally enmeshed with her and not fully detached yet, and in order for you to heal and detach, you need to sever that enmeshment, and one way to do that is not communicate with her in any way.  And then, once you've healed and detach, you can more objectively look at whether or not she, or someone like her, is allowed in your life on any level.

So how can you use this?  The good news about stuff like this is we get immediate feedback as to how our detachment is going, and it's an opportunity to check in, see where we are, see what needs to change and what was working, and make adjustments from there.

[Confused99]

Yeah then I got this without saying anything else?
Maybe she feels she has control again

"Sorry just so busy w school starting soon and some other things. Is there something wrong?"

[fromheeltoheal]

She only has as much control as you give her Confused.  What are you going to do?

[Confused99]

She only has as much control as you give her Confused.  What are you going to do?

Go back to NC.  I need to remind myself why I was in NC.  She has not miraculously changed in a few months.  She's still that crazy girl that would call the cops, attack me, scream, lie, and cheat.  Just 8 years is a long history.  I finally feel good with my life and my new gf.  Who is amazing. I can't hurt her either.   
Thx for help guys

[Rayban]

Confused it happened she responded just move on. For her it's an ego boost that she craves.  It's validation that an ex calls her after an extended period of no contact.  My ex use to boast about having an ex who she admitted having contributed to the derailment of his life, still call her years later.  She smiled when she said this.

If she pushes to meet just be straight with her, and  more on.

[fromheeltoheal]

Go back to NC.  I need to remind myself why I was in NC.  She has not miraculously changed in a few months.  She's still that crazy girl that would call the cops, attack me, scream, lie, and cheat.  Just 8 years is a long history. 

8 years is a long time, and it's good to remind yourself why you don't want to communicate with her, and also, what did you learn about yourself and your detachment?  What can you use moving forward?

[Confused99]

Yes but why does she come back at me a few times after I sent the first text just saying hello and saying you don't need to respond?  Then wants to meet for lunch.  Then calls me.  Then texts again.  If she just liked the attention wouldn't she just ignore me.   Or In the past I would get "I don't feel like talking I am in a relationship please stop contacting me".   Why the questions about meeting?   Maybe it was just to see if I would with no intention of meeting like in past.  Why are these BPD's so confusing

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, you could parse her words and try and read between the lines, or more objectively you could realize and accept that all of that has triggered you, work on soothing that, and also take from it what you can, as you move forward in your own detachment, which will benefit you and your new relationship yes?

[Confused99]

Yes, you could parse her words and try and read between the lines, or more objectively you could realize and accept that all of that has triggered you, work on soothing that, and also take from it what you can, as you move forward in your own detachment, which will benefit you and your new relationship yes?

Yes absolutely.  Thx for your help.  Guess it's all part of the healing and Lear ing process.  No one is perfect.  Just after a few months you start thinking about the good times and the highs she would bring.  But that was 10% of the time

[lovenature]

Maybe it was just to see if I would with no intention of meeting like in past.  Why are these BPD's so confusing

A pwBPD lives in their own reality based on their current emotion of the moment; goes for past, present, and future. Think of the projection, gas lighting, contradictions etc.

I know how you feel after breaking NC, think of that the next time you are tempted. The further out you get, the clearer things become.

Focus on you and your new relationship; be sure it is healthy for both of you.

[Confused99]

She has picked up now.   Calling.  Texts.  Showing up where I live.  The texts range from hello to stop being such a baby and respond.  It's like it's all a game to her.  Every time I get burnt.  But a small part of me keeps wanting to put my hand on the flame

[fromheeltoheal]

But a small part of me keeps wanting to put my hand on the flame

There's value digging there Confused; what part of you does that touch, what need does it meet?

But while you do that, what are you going to do about her contact attempts?

[Confused99]

But a small part of me keeps wanting to put my hand on the flame

There's value digging there Confused; what part of you does that touch, what need does it meet?

But while you do that, what are you going to do about her contact attempts?

I have been ignoring.  Last week I responded.  Then called her she was so busy... .then she texted she would call after work never happened.  Then she texted she's just so busy.  Was always that way.  Now I been ignoring but she thinks it's a game.  Today she texted me "Why are you being so lame?".  I dream of her every night.  Every single night.  And it's never good.  Just always the same fighting and trying to get her back.  It's crazy

[lovenature]

It will continue this way as long as you keep responding; once I stopped responding in ANY way, my ex. tried less and less to contact me. Like others have said, expect contact at some point in the future; the key is to remain NC on your end when it happens.

Working on figuring out why you keep going back is very beneficial and very tough.

Keep going, one day at a time.

[Infern0]

Yes but why does she come back at me a few times after I sent the first text just saying hello and saying you don't need to respond?  Then wants to meet for lunch.  Then calls me.  Then texts again.  If she just liked the attention wouldn't she just ignore me.   Or In the past I would get "I don't feel like talking I am in a relationship please stop contacting me".   Why the questions about meeting?   Maybe it was just to see if I would with no intention of meeting like in past.  Why are these BPD's so confusing

You are confusing yourself.

You contacted her (after she tried to contact you multiple times) and she responded.

Theres no mystery here.

I'm not being mean I'm just being honest. Theres not always all these layers to things, we think there is because we are traumatized.

[Confused99]

Yes but why does she come back at me a few times after I sent the first text just saying hello and saying you don't need to respond?  Then wants to meet for lunch.  Then calls me.  Then texts again.  If she just liked the attention wouldn't she just ignore me.   Or In the past I would get "I don't feel like talking I am in a relationship please stop contacting me".   Why the questions about meeting?   Maybe it was just to see if I would with no intention of meeting like in past.  Why are these BPD's so confusing

You are confusing yourself.

You contacted her (after she tried to contact you multiple times) and she responded.

Theres no mystery here.

I'm not being mean I'm just being honest. Theres not always all these layers to things, we think there is because we are traumatized.

You are right.  She keeps going and going and for some reason I feel saying "leave me alone" or something else helps.   But it doesn't.  The last 2 weeks I have said nothing like you suggest.  It's picking up on her end.  Calls, emails, texts but I have not responded.  I guess this is the best way?

[steelwork]

The last 2 weeks I have said nothing like you suggest.  It's picking up on her end.  Calls, emails, texts but I have not responded.  I guess this is the best way?

Before you stopped responding to her, did you say in a clear way that you didn't want contact?

[Confused99]

The last 2 weeks I have said nothing like you suggest.  It's picking up on her end.  Calls, emails, texts but I have not responded.  I guess this is the best way?

Before you stopped responding to her, did you say in a clear way that you didn't want contact?

Yes she laughs it off.   Like its a joke.  I have gone back too much that she thinks she can have Me whenever.  She dates for like 3 months then gets bored and contacts me.   Over and over.   Her last text was stop being a baby and meet me for dinner

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes she laughs it off.   Like its a joke.  I have gone back too much that she thinks she can have Me whenever.  She dates for like 3 months then gets bored and contacts me.   Over and over.   Her last text was stop being a baby and meet me for dinner

I'm sure you've heard that definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

When will it be time to take your power back?

[steelwork]

I'm sure you've heard that definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

When will it be time to take your power back?

If your answer is, "Now!" then I suggest this simple course of action:

Write to her one last time. Tell her, once again, that you don't wish to have further contact. Mean it. Don't respond. If she says you're playing games at that point, that's her problem.

[Cleanglass]

A lot of us here miss the company of our exes. I see people making these mistakes all the time on here and I no doubt will have similar situations prop up in the future.

The reason you fail to stay away is because you haven't made a plan or a decision.

If you want to be free of her, why would you contact her?

That's the route question for yourself. You won't find the answer in her or blaming her.

The second question: What are you going to do about it? Make a decision and do everything you need to do to stick to it - including deleting the number.

[jhkbuzz]

Yes but why does she come back at me a few times after I sent the first text just saying hello and saying you don't need to respond?  Then wants to meet for lunch.  Then calls me.  Then texts again.  If she just liked the attention wouldn't she just ignore me.   Or In the past I would get "I don't feel like talking I am in a relationship please stop contacting me".   Why the questions about meeting?   Maybe it was just to see if I would with no intention of meeting like in past.  Why are these BPD's so confusing

Sounds like you're slipping back into the fog... .

You are confused because she responded to a text you sent? That doesn't seem fair. She, like you, is struggling, I'm sure - 8 years is a long time for both of you. (My r/s lasted 8 years, btw.)

About a year after my own breakup I texted my ex because I was moving out of the house we lived in and her dog's microchip was still registered to my address. We started talking about how to do an address change (it wasn't as straightforward as you would think.) It was a friendly conversation and I could sense by the tone of her communications (and her quick response to my messages) that she was glad to talk to me. I think she began to think that we were "back in touch." However, once the address change was finished I stopped communicating. Her last text was abrupt when she realized I was finished talking to her.

Was it good to talk to her? Yes. Did I miss her? Yes. Did I want the toxic emotionality, the immaturity, the lies, and the cheating back in my life? No, no, no and hell no.

You are slipping back into analyzing all her motives when you need to be looking at YOURSELF and your own actions and reactions. I don't know, maybe it's easier to analyze her than to look at your own "stuff." You initiated contact, and you're the one feeling the "pull." It's okay - no condemnation from me - but USE it to learn and grow. Focus on YOURSELF. And listen to fromheeltoheal - he has some very good advice for you. Your life, your future - that needs to be your focus now.

[The Teacher]

Yes she laughs it off.   Like its a joke.  I have gone back too much that she thinks she can have Me whenever.  She dates for like 3 months then gets bored and contacts me.   Over and over.   Her last text was stop being a baby and meet me for dinner

The "stop being a baby" remark makes me sick to my stomach. That was a belittling insult my wife used repeatedly. It dawned on me that I am empowering her by remaining in a relationship with someone who thinks it's appropriate to belittle a partner. I no longer speak to her, and I am no longer being belittled. I can't tell you how good that feels - how empowering it is to choose normal. Think hard about why you are drawn to someone who would insult or belittle you, even in a text. It's never appropriate. Good luck.