Letting go is so hard

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After finally deciding that I have to let this relationship go, I feel partially relieved but so tempted to contact her. Being involved with a BPD person has been an experience I still can't make sense of. Why I let it go on so long, why I forgave her every time, why I believed she was really sorry. She did so many terrible things to me and called me so many awful names. She knows exactly how to find my sore spots and dig into them, just because she was angry. Her rage is something I have never seen.  But the way she loved me in between was addictive. That's the only sense I can make of this and why I am struggling letting her go. She tries to talk to me but I just can't engage. I have finally learned that it's playing with a rattle snake. I see her hook other people the way she did me and feel like a chump. Like a pawn. I miss the good about her. I feel that I am so damaged from my involvement with her that I can't make good choices about her.  I have kept the mean texts and emails so I can remind myself when I am weak and want to reach out to her. I'm a mess now. I never saw this coming. I pray so hard that I stop loving her. Someone tell me that I will.

[Weary1402]

After finally deciding that I have to let this relationship go, I feel partially relieved but so tempted to contact her. Being involved with a BPD person has been an experience I still can't make sense of. Why I let it go on so long, why I forgave her every time, why I believed she was really sorry. She did so many terrible things to me and called me so many awful names. She knows exactly how to find my sore spots and dig into them, just because she was angry. Her rage is something I have never seen.  But the way she loved me in between was addictive. That's the only sense I can make of this and why I am struggling letting her go. She tries to talk to me but I just can't engage. I have finally learned that it's playing with a rattle snake. I see her hook other people the way she did me and feel like a chump. Like a pawn. I miss the good about her. I feel that I am so damaged from my involvement with her that I can't make good choices about her.  I have kept the mean texts and emails so I can remind myself when I am weak and want to reach out to her. I'm a mess now. I never saw this coming. I pray so hard that I stop loving her. Someone tell me that I will.

[KarmasReal]

I understand exactly what you are going through my friend. This is the fourth time me my ex BPD have broken up, over two years. I'm only a week out but with each break up the pain lessened some. It still hurts I still feel a wide variety of emotions but I know with time and detachment those will fade. The human body and mind is very resilient and given enough time it will always heal itself. You just have to do what you can to help it along and you will get there. Take what you have learned from this BPD relationship and use it to find a good and healthy relationship. And you will and you will be so happy that you knew what to look for and every day you won't be on pins and needles not understanding your SO and not knowing if they even love or like you or want someone else. Your reward for this pain is the knowledge that you can have a healthy and wonderful relationship with another healthy person once you have healed. Your ex BPD can never have that.

If I can ask, how long were you together, was it serious, what led to your break up? Good luck and God bless.

[Turkish]

Three years out myself,  and reading dozens upon dozens of similar stories, I find this hard myself: missing the good,  even while acknowledging the unacceptable.  It's understandable to miss what was at times deep and perhaps even easy loving behaviors.  Reconciling that birth came from the same person keeps many of us stuck. You,  I, and most people here know on some logical level that the poor behaviors went beyond someone simply having a few bad days,  yes?

[JerryRG]

I had a dream early on in my relationship, her and I were fighting each other, a tug of war, pulling each other toward one another.
I looked at her hands, they were cut deep and bleeding from her hanging on so tightly to me.
I could see I had to let go.
As badly as she wanted me, we were both killing each other.

I just, let her go.

The problem was, I had this false hope, delusional optimism that she could change.

She cannot change
She wills to not change

She wants to be accepted as she is.
Sick
Broken
Angry
Resentful
Sarcastic
Hateful
Mean
Selfish
Childish
Lazy... .on and on

With a few glimpses of hope.
Just enough to keep my hope alive

[rj47]

Why I let it go on so long, why I forgave her every time, why I believed she was really sorry. She did so many terrible things to me and called me so many awful names. She knows exactly how to find my sore spots and dig into them, just because she was angry. Her rage is something I have never seen.  But the way she loved me in between was addictive. That's the only sense I can make of this and why I am struggling letting her go.

You might never stop loving her... .that's okay. I spent decades experiencing something very similar and beat myself up continually for not being enough. So many tears over so many years asking God to make me a better man. I thought I could outlast the demon. In hindsight, the almost endless "peak to valley to peak" cycling was madness. Not hers, but mine for accepting it. Letting go was only difficult because of the FOG that I allowed to consume me. You will eventually let go because each time you're outside of the "in between" enduring the contempt, rage, ridicule and humiliation you'll lose just a little bit more of yourself. And, you already know that despite the "in between" times the pain returns soon enough. And, each time it steals a little bit more of your spirit. You'll know when its time. And, when you do finally come out on the other side you'll hopefully be stronger for it.

Life goes on. You have no choice, right? Imagine the promise of one day being free of the shackles. Imagine sharing love with someone who will give the same back instead of retribution. You might think you're not worthy, its not possible, or even want it right now. But good and decent people with a little patience eventually find each other. I would not have found the love of my life by accident but for all of those extra years of being destitute and in despair existing in the eye of the storm. For that I'm now thankful.

You will get through this time. Ok to grieve. Ok to be angry. Ok to miss the "in between" time when she seemed to love you. But you'll eventually let go in due time. Its a process many of us have been through.

[Weary1402]

If I can ask, how long were you together, was it serious, what led to your break up? Good luck and God bless.

We were together 2 years. With many times in that 2 years having lots of days not talking. But we miss eacother and she's sorry so I went back. She is terribly mean and very vindictive. I worry constantly what she will say or do next.  This last break was her idea and I have just let it be. I barely respond to her. I need to be done. She recently did something that devastated me so completely that I just can't ever trust her. As I have tried to end the relationship for a year she will "attempt suicide" which really is taking a few too many pills and telling someone so they rush her to the ER. I always take care of her but the last time she called someone else. I had no idea until I got a text from this person ripping me to shreds about how I drove her to suicide. I was a wreck the whole day not being able to get to her, not knowing where she was. I called a mutual friend who told me she had just seen her... .at work. Not on life support, at work.
She claims she had taken pills the night before and was at the hospital with this person and has no idea how they got in her phone and got my number or why they attacked me. She won't tell me who it was. It doesn't matter I guess.
It's just this sort of behavior that makes me feel crazy. I just can't do any of this anymore. Her "sorry's" just aren't enough to mend my heart anymore.

[Weary1402]

You,  I, and most people here know on some logical level that the poor behaviors went beyond someone simply having a few bad days,  yes?


Yes, she tries to tell me if I love her I can get past the hard times. These aren't normal hard times or bad days. This is a sick cycle of destructive behavior that has turned me completely inside out.

[Weary1402]

I looked at her hands, they were cut deep and bleeding from her hanging on so tightly to me.
I could see I had to let go.
As badly as she wanted me, we were both killing each other.



She wants to be accepted as she is.
Sick
Broken
Angry
Resentful
Sarcastic
Hateful
Mean
Selfish
Childish
Lazy... .on and on


Yes! Totally my life!

[Hisaccount]

The problem was, I had this false hope, delusional optimism that she could change.

She cannot change
She wills to not change

She wants to be accepted as she is.
Sick
Broken
Angry
Resentful
Sarcastic
Hateful
Mean
Selfish
Childish
Lazy... .on and on

With a few glimpses of hope.
Just enough to keep my hope alive

That should be like a sticky or something that everyone on here should read and remind themselves everyday.

I too am fighting the same thing. Mine says she left because so she wouldn't kill herself.
So I am doing my best to let go, but that leaves me in a place where I want to kill myself.
Who wins?
Nobody in these relationships.

[Swhitey]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through and experienceing this loss, Weary1402. I want to commend you too on saying it is actually over. It is hard to let go because, what I understan about the boarderline structure is, that their life is alawys in turmoil and they need someone to rescue them. They are completley driven by their emotions to the point where cognitive, logical thought is impaired. There is nothing you can do to save them, in fact the more you try to save them the more their vitrol is turned towards you and you become a trigger in their life, as I have experienced and obeserved from many others who have posted here including yourself.

I am in a very similar stage in the break up of my relationship with my Borderline uBPD(ex) I moved out this weekened as a matter of fact. I can sympathize with you and feel I have a good idea of some of the feelings you are having right now. I will challenge you to think and remind yourself that:

1) you are not soley to blame for all that was wrong in the relationship
2) your partner has an illness that will not go away
3) you are focusing on yourself now to heal and grow
4) acknowledge your contributions to the relationship and how you enabled this behavior.
5) acknowledge that you are grieving the death of a relationship with someone you cared very deeply about, but know that with introspection, you will grow and have a better chance at having a healthier, more mature, intimate, fulfilling partnership in the future.

My heart goes out to you my friend, keep reaching out for support and you will see this through

"yard by yard, life is hard - inch by inch, life's a sinch" take it slow, one step at a time