How do I let go - I

[patientandclear]

fromheel

Yes I have jumped around a lot.  I know that I want to be with her but I have no idea how to fix anything with her.  I can continue to keep trying and fix things and have good with her in short bursts.  But I want more than a few days or a week of good.  I talk to different people and hear different things.  Lots here tell me that its impossible to have a real long term relationship with someone wBPD.  I guess I feel like I am the exception.  Maybe I am just delusional at this point.  In the past everytime I have walked she reaches out... .sometimes sweet, sometimes negative but either way it tells me she wants me around.

Of course she wants you around. My ex REALLY wants me around. I am a champion distributor of emotional kibble. I really love him! And he loves that.

But he doesn't want to commit to me. He essentially wants me to be married to him, but he doesn't want to be married to me. And that calls into question MY choice. I don't want to give myself to someone who will not (cannot? does it matter?) give himself to me. Do you?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[fromheeltoheal]

Do i just back away and see if she reaches out?  I guess if she doesnt then she doesnt want me around anymore.

You make a decision and act accordingly.  If you want her, go get her, if you don't, focus on detaching.

The rest is games.  Of course the two of you could sit down and have an adult heart to heart conversation full of mutual respect, trust and vulnerability, is that possible?  Was it ever possible?

[Lucky Jim]

Lots here tell me that its impossible to have a real long term relationship with someone wBPD.  I guess I feel like I am the exception.

Hello again, OB, Well, based on the history of your r/s as you have related it, I tend to think you are not an exception at all and have been on the same roller coaster ride that many of us have taken.  I admire your optimism that you can crack the BPD Code, but it's a tall order.  BPD proved too complex for me.  What is your latest thinking in terms of where you are headed with this r/s?

LuckyJim

[hollow]

Of course the two of you could sit down and have an adult heart to heart conversation full of mutual respect, trust and vulnerability, is that possible?  Was it ever possible?

+1

To OB: How many times did you feel there was proper, intimate communication as opposed to "not getting through"?

[Oncebitten]

All

I don't know what to do, she tells me she is done.  Doesn't want a r/s with me.  Wants nothing to do with me (she has said this all before)  To much trust broken, too many lies.  And i can admit it i did lie to her.  Feared losing her, you tell a lie long enough its hard to unwind.  So i cant and wont blame her for all of this.  Just wish I had a clear path either way.  I have tried to talk to her, but she doesn't want to talk.  She wants to be mad at me hate me etc... .says love isnt enough, dedication isnt enough.  Tells me that I dont really love her, if I did i wouldn't have lied to her.  I know that I shouldn't have, but that doesnt mean I dont love her.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't know what to do, she tells me she is done.  Doesn't want a r/s with me.  Wants nothing to do with me (she has said this all before)  To much trust broken, too many lies. 

So take her at face value, stop communicating with her, and educate yourself on the disorder to eliminate confusion.  No more roundy round yes?

[Oncebitten]

I have read quite a bit and I feel like I understand it.  I guess thats my thought, I have never taken her at face value accept for once... .and in that one time I made the mistake of another woman.  Every other time I have brushed it off and stayed devoted to her, and we have always gotten back together.

[Oncebitten]

Am I doing this with the hope of moving on and detaching?  Or am I doing this to reset things with her?  I feel like we are just going around and around and something needs to change.  Really the only thing that hasn't changed in months is my commitment to stay and fight through the problems and take what she dishes out.

[Sadly]

But she doesn't want it? She has said so. You can't make it better on your own.  If I could do the treatment for my ex I would, I love him that much, but he won't/can't whatever. You say we but its not we anymore is it? This is one of the things that breaks my heart too and it's harsh but true. I loved being part of we. Now I am one again, it makes me cry, I hadn't been part of a we for what feels like a hundred years. I'm so so sorry but you are not we anymore. Forgive me but you're not.     x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey OB, I admire your fortitude.  As to where you are headed in your r/s, only you know the answer.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings (I know I'm repeating myself).  LJ

[Oncebitten]

Sadly,

i understand what you are saying, we were just we a few days ago. I guess thats my hang up.  She was ready to go back and we did.  And it was perfect.  I see the promise of what could be.

[Oncebitten]

LJ,

I havent got a clue as to where I am headed.  I know where I want to go with it, but she keeps putting up road blocks.  Kind of hard to get where you want to go when the route keeps getting moved around.

[Sadly]

Oh god I'm so sorry, I feel I have hurt you with what I said, I wouldn't hurt you for the world, I'm hurting so much too. I really hope she will calm down enough to listen to you and you can become we again. Xx

[Oncebitten]

sadly

no no you haven't hurt me with what you said.  I understand it completely and I have taken no offense.  Simply pointing out where my head is at.  we all have to figure out all of this on our own and I do appreciate your thoughts and you offering you situation.

[bunny4523]

There are two sides to her no doubt.  But even when she showr5s me the bad side, I don't love her any less. I simply want to make her happy, even when she tells me she hates me.  I know why I cant let go, its because I love her.  She means everything to me.  But she doesnt want me around, no longer even wants me as a friend.  So how do you let go of someone you still love so deeply? 

Try exploring the word LOVE and why you use it.   Love to me is something I feel for someone because of how I feel when I'm with them.  The positivity, respect, love, support, laughter and joy they bring into my life; that we share.  Someone who makes me feel bad about myself isn't someone I would love.  Because they don't see me and I am good and lovable.

What does LOVE mean to you?

[Meili]

Am I doing this with the hope of moving on and detaching?  Or am I doing this to reset things with her? 

Why does it have to be one or the other?

As AB said to me, the old r/s is dead. Let it be dead. Detach from it.

Currently, you are allowing her to dictate your life. Back to basics; stop doing that.

Take the time to work on yourself. Figure out why you allow yourself to accept the poor treatment. I know that you say it's because you love her, I won't dispute that. What you need to figure out then is why you love her more than you love yourself.

Step back... .breath... .focus on you... .give her time and space... .don't communicate with her... .

These are all bits of advice that has been given to you; yet you resist. Why do you resist it?

[Oncebitten]

Meili

I was ready for a new r/s with her... .but she wont let go of the past so we can move forward.  I got her to talk to me.  Perhaps if I detach and fix me we can try again some day

[Meili]

I understand that she isn't letting the past go and be dead. That doesn't stop you from making that a reality however. Just like it doesn't stop her from keeping it alive as long as you allow her to do so.

[Oncebitten]

I dont want to discuss it anymore.  I assumed that when she said she was ready to move forward she meant it, no matter what came up.  The past is the past, let it stay there.

[Meili]

But, she doesn't let it stay there, so you must keep it there.

[Oncebitten]

And how do I do that now?  We aren't anything at this point.  She barely agreed to talk to me.

[Sadly]

I guess you just keep trying to speak to her. Just as I keep trying to let go you must keep trying to hang on. Or try reverse psychology and wait for her to contact you. All of these are hard I know, I wish you well.   xx

[Meili]

I wouldn't suggest that you keep trying to talk to her. I'd suggest just the opposite; back off. Keep any communication short and light. Letting her know that you still care and that when she's ready for something real, you'll be there for her. Until then, you must take care of yourself.

[once removed]

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