Intro

[barelygoround]

Hello.

I feel like this is a good place for me to be, or check in when I need to express how I'm feeling. I'm 28 and male. I'll try to succinctly sum up where I'm at: first hooked up with her when I was 17, she was 19. We had intermittent contact until age 21. Then, when I was 22 we began a relationship. It had ALL the classic BPD things, but I wasn't healthy myself, at the time I was drinking very heavily. Despite this, her behavior (without substances) was appalling, yet I was hooked. During the first couple years we went through both long distance and same-location relationship, off and on. We would fight a lot, and I don't even know what it was about, sometimes her jealousy over something or a simple misunderstanding, which would sometimes lead to her cutting herself or throwing things or hitting. During this time, as I said, I was heavily drinking, and so assumed it actually was my fault, and let my alcoholism be an excuse for her insane behavior. The most disturbing thing happened when she tried cutting herself and I tried to stop her as she swung scissors and cut me in the process. It was my first wake up call. At one point we broke up and the next day a cop was at my door with a temporary restraining order. The following weeks she called and texted and e-mailed non stop. I recorded everything, hired a lawyer, and had the restraining order removed, as in court she had to admit to lying on the paperwork, and there was proof she broke her own TRO.

Anyways, we broke up for a couple months and my drinking got really bad. I ended up, long story short, getting sober, and have been sober since. It will be 4 years sober in Feb 2017.

After I got out of treatment we began a relationship again. It was actually smooth, no gnarly fights, she seemed to have grown, etc... .But the passionate side of our relationship was gone entirely on her end after the initial spark. I think because I was no longer an alcoholic she had no easy way to act out, and so things became subtle. We were together non stop for a year until things ended poorly. After a brief period apart we were back together, just not in a relationship. Essentially hooking up and hanging out and going on trips but she wouldn't commit to a relationship. So the last few years have been largely void of insane behaviors like in the beginning, but also the intense passion wasn't as frequent on her end, outside of sexually. All in all it's been a rollercoaster, like clockwork, up and down, loves me, doesn't want to be with me, etc... .I'm probably leaving a lot out.

I should add that during our long off & on relationship I have been with other people, and tried dating other people, and nothing compares to what I obsessively get out of being with her. Which is why I'm here.

So many years off & on - now off. Have been through a lot with her. Finally, or again, cut contact with her myself, it's been I think 3 weeks. Blocked then deleted her numbers.

I think that sums up where I'm at. Basically, I'm incredibly sad. I miss her. I miss her body. I miss her good & bad.

[duncsvoice]

Hey Barelygoround,

Welcome to the family. I've been checking in regularly since my split about 8 months ago, and the support and advice you get here has, for me, been life saving.

I'm sorry to hear about your story, it rings so true for so many of us. Particularly when you mentioned you were hooked - outsiders cannot understand why we persist in these relationships, but it's this invisible attachment that makes it almost impossible to go. I was threatened with police too, and experienced the self harming and physical abuse.

Congratulations on both staying sober, and blocking and deleting her numbers. Both incredible achievements.

[barelygoround]

Thanks