Is this the real her?

[AliasBristow]

So I had to contact my BPD ex fiance tonight because a bill came in the mail that needed to be sorted. And it ended up in a massive argument over text message where she absolutely ripped me to shreds. Blamed me for everything. Said I have treated her badly for the last year and a half and never cared about her. Said I'm the manipulative one. And at the same time, turning herself into the victim. She even flat out lied about a conversation she had with my housemate who was standing right with me so I knew everything she had said to him. And by the end of it she was acting so childish like finishing messages with "go away" etc.

I hadn't really reacted to this treatment post-breakup until tonight. I decided I wouldn't stand for it. So I stood up for myself. I had nothing else to lose - I had tried literally everything to get her back, but clearly she sees me as this monster who is the cause of every one of her problems, so no matter what I say she won't want me. It is really scary though. For the last couple of months after she left me, I was convinced that this person she had become wasn't her. That a switch had gone off and she wasn't able to revert back to her usual self. The self that loves me and would never do anything to hurt me to this extreme. But now I wonder if the entire 3 years we were together was a lie. If this is her true self. I was willing the stand by her. Forgive her for everything. But after tonight I am done. I feel like that deep sadness is slowly lifting. I am of course still sad, but I know I don't deserve this treatment. I want to be with someone who actually cares about me and loves me unconditionally. I am going to stand strong!

[infjEpic]

If this is her true self. I was willing the stand by her. Forgive her for everything. But after tonight I am done. I feel like that deep sadness is slowly lifting. I am of course still sad, but I know I don't deserve this treatment. I want to be with someone who actually cares about me and loves me unconditionally. I am going to stand strong!

It's the real her. The good and the bad.
At this stage of the BPD cycle, you won't see the good again, unless she attempts to recycle you, in which case the good will temporarily resurface, but then the bad becomes more and more vindictive, and ultimately prevails.

Some people cannot admit that to themselves, so they cope by saying - 'she is good, but the disorder is  bad'.
That's self delusion.
Nothing is learned by this rationale.

You're angry now. That's good. Hang on to that anger for a while because it will protect you.

What you choose to do is up to you, in your shoes I would tell her you don't love her and you don't keep nasty people in your life.
Then go FULL NC.

In terms of pursuing bills and that - I never even bothered, even when I was being recycled.
I had seen emails from her ex - where he attempted to do the same, and she used that 'link' to torture him.
Of course, back then I believed every thing I was told about him - he was a cheater and he was nasty and he changed after he had an accident etc.
Later I had clarity.

Personally, I would just take the loss... .it's a small price to pay, to move on with your life and have the chance to be happy and have a healthy fulfilling relationship - something she will never have.

[ynwa]

Hey There Alias,

You are seeing the real her in the depth of her cycle. The things she is saying, the way she thinks is as real to her in THAT moment, as anything she has said before.  The same self that may have told you everyday that red velvet cake was her favorite for 6 months straight, will now tell you it's chocolate and she's never even heard of red velvet.  She more than likely cannot admit her faults, and right now chocolate cake makes her feel ok.  Her ok though, not yours.

Does that make sense?  Let me know what you think?

 But I wanted to add, you did nothing wrong in speaking up for yourself.  Standing strong for yourself is great.  Be mindful that this will take time to work through, and it might go back and forth a bit emotionally. 

YNWA.

[stimpy]

That a switch had gone off and she wasn't able to revert back to her usual self.

It is like a switch, and the change from love to hate has us in turmoil and disbelief, and what is so hard to understand is that they are all her.

The way that I am starting to think about  it now is that the love and affection she had for me was real, at least for a time, but that certainly in my case, my exes terrible relationship with her mother has messed up her ability to love properly, and love and hate for her are associated together, because when she was young the bonding went wrong at some point.

And now when love is triggered in her, her mind at a deep level associates love with pain, disappointment and betrayal and she doesn't trust it. So the unresolved anger and hate that she has at a deep level for her mother got taken out on me.

I think that's how I see it for me.

But each pwBPD is different and maybe what I've described is not the case for you AliasBristow. We each have our own journey to understand and  come to terms with what has happened. And I'm sure you will too.   

When I hit this point, the one you are at, and was subject to verbal abuse and outright cruelty, I actually made a big mistake. I told her "no more" and that it was time for both of us to move on. It was a mistake because that triggered her fear of abandonment and I was then subjected to attempts at re-cycle. When that failed she started the stalking me.

But at the time I knew nothing of BPD, and only subsequently found out about BPD and NPD.

For me, I wish I had just gone straight NC.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[joeramabeme]

I want to be with someone who actually cares about me and loves me unconditionally. I am going to stand strong!

AliasBristow

This is great, you are taking the steps required to become detached and move forward with your life.  Keep staying Strong!

The "switch" she made is part of a cycle that ynwa referred to.  It is the cycle of idealizing and devaluing; our r/s' start off to the pwBP as the answer to painful feelings.  During the r/s, their feelings and actions are genuine, but the foundation on which those feelings are created is fundamentally different than ours. 

As time goes by, they are unable to achieve the sought after ideal in the r/s and feel disillusioned by the r/s.  Eventually the r/s proves unable to provide the desired outcome and so you the partner are devalued and blamed for the entirety of the outcome.  We call this "painting black".  It is very hurtful and often confusing as we do not see their underlying motivations.

It sounds like you are on the right track here.  Keep posting and reading.

Best, RB

[AliasBristow]

infjEpic - That's exactly what I had been doing up to this point - she is good, the disorder is bad. I was so determined to not let myself believe that these were her true colours and she will realise what I mistake she has made. But coming up to the two month point, nothing has changed and things have only gotten worse. Even if there is a good person down there, I can't go back now. And I really feel like this anger is protecting me because since that night, I haven't felt that deep sadness and desperation that I had been feeling!
I had to contact her over the bill because it was a pretty big one. Long story short, we were building a house together and she left me right before building started so there was a bit of a financial mess to clear up and I am determined to not let it all fall on me seeing as this was her doing!

ynwa - Very, very well put! This is why I don't want to keep fighting her over it. Because she truly believes these things she is saying, so there is no point in arguing because it will just go around in circles. Thank you

stimpy - I am trying to hold in my heart what we used to have. Even though my mind is telling me things like it was all a lie, I know the way she used to look at me. The things she said. I am sure she loved me. So I will try and remember the past 3 years as a good time of my life, because it was.
She did have a complicated relationship with her Mum growing up, they clashed a lot! But they get along absolutely amazingly now. Her situation developed from not nice circumstances that went on with a "friend" when she was a teenager, and also the Dad of kids she was babysitting. And then she was in abusive relationships. This was hard for me though because I treated her like a Queen, yet the way she has made me out is like I am worse than the people that did all this stuff to her!
Right now I don't believe she is going to try and re-cycle. You never know though, she has done a lot of unexpected things - that's for sure!

joeramabeme - Thank you!

[infjEpic]

infjEpic - That's exactly what I had been doing up to this point - she is good, the disorder is bad. I was so determined to not let myself believe that these were her true colours and she will realise what I mistake she has made. But coming up to the two month point, nothing has changed and things have only gotten worse. Even if there is a good person down there, I can't go back now. And I really feel like this anger is protecting me because since that night, I haven't felt that deep sadness and desperation that I had been feeling!
I had to contact her over the bill because it was a pretty big one. Long story short, we were building a house together and she left me right before building started so there was a bit of a financial mess to clear up and I am determined to not let it all fall on me seeing as this was her doing!

It will confuse you further. But you will work your way through it.
Just remember, you're dealing with someone who has the emotional age of a 4 year old. BPDs are bullys.


I hope you get some resolution with the financial matter but if you are not progressing, then strategically disengage and cut your losses. You can't put a price on sanity.
Good luck!

[lovenature]

People are who they show us they are, BPD is a serious mental illness that causes immense pain in a relationship. Think of what is best for you in your situation, and remember that someone will only change if THEY truly want to.

[Careca9]

The way that I am starting to think about  it now is that the love and affection she had for me was real, at least for a time, but that certainly in my case, my exes terrible relationship with her mother has messed up her ability to love properly, and love and hate for her are associated together, because when she was young the bonding went wrong at some point.

And now when love is triggered in her, her mind at a deep level associates love with pain, disappointment and betrayal and she doesn't trust it. So the unresolved anger and hate that she has at a deep level for her mother got taken out on me.

I think that's how I see it for me.

this is my feeling as well, but better put than i could ever do. thats so close to what i feel has happened with my ex and i feel a great way of explaining what happens. i feel BPD's feel love but only up to a point then the trigger mean they cant trust it. My ex has just said something switched and she cant put her finger on it or why the anger came that was directed at me. but its def something triggered from her early life and mother relationship. these people will never be allowed by their subconscious to feel love like we do

[glaciercats]

Alias,

I know exactly what you are saying.  I have been through a lot of the same.  Once you start standing up for yourself is when they really paint us black.  They don't see the ways they push us until we finally say enough is enough.  I don't think I can ever get her to see or admit the hurt she has caused me.  But I hear about the hurt I have caused her.  I know I'm not perfect and I do say I'm sorry when I'm in the wrong.  But I know every single thing can not be my fault.

I don't like feeling like I'm some type of monster for sticking up for myself.  It hurts me to be that way even when I'm right.  I'm really having a hard time letting go.  I know I can't help her unless she wants to help herself though.

Hope things get better for you soon!  Hang in there.

[AustenJ]

I have been NC for a little over a month, or perhaps LC, as I work with my ex... .but we can go days or weeks without seeing each other since we work in different areas. I was at a bar with friends when she walked in, probably to meet my replacement... .I immediately shunned her and left. She did speak to one of my friends and took full responsibility for the breakup saying it was all her fault (duh!).

She has always said that she cannot hate, even when a relationship ends... .so she has not painted me black even though before going no contact I raged against her... .kind of hoping that she would paint me black... .I am very wary that this is an attempt to recycle me, so I'm not buying it for a moment. She has said she is sorry at every turn... .I'm sure she has said that a million times due to all the devastation she has caused in her life; I could no longer put up with her whoring around

[marti644]

Alias she is both! Hang in there and if you're lucky she'll paint you black forever. You don't deserve this treatment and you have a right to be happy and move on. And I agree with others. Forget the bill and go full NC. It is the only way for you to move on and start a better relationship and healthy life.