50 Reasons to Rejoice

[Rannan]

 

Hello everyone. My name is Rannan and my relationship spanning 10 years with my BPD partner ended on the 26th of March, 2016. I, like many others I've seen here, have been scrambling to pick up the pieces of my reality and have been consumed by the heavy weight of loss and despair at the failure to maintain that which is toxic to our souls. I have read in several places that it is often therapeutic to write down the negative aspects of your relationship to gain perspective and to remove the rose-tinted glasses that we tend to wear during these troubled times of loss and mourning. I came up with fifty just now that I wish to share with you and encourage you to write a list of your own and share it here if you feel so inclined. Writing my heart out and reading it over reveals to me just how codependent I really am and how much I truly sacrificed to try to make a doomed relationship work. It has been eye-opening for me.

If you cannot come up with fifty reasons of your own, then please think harder and take your time. You may find many buried memories hidden away within you because you had to ignore them to carry on loving the person you were so hopelessly attached to. if you truly cannot think of fifty reasons, then that's OK. Post as many as you can if you feel like it, or don't post any at all and respond however you please.

I hope from here to begin healing and examining how and why I let my life become as poisoned as it did, and to find the strength to say no should my ex-lover return and try to suck me back into her world. I also hope that my story from #1 to #50 tells a sobering message of how much we as nons are able to overlook in the face a BPD's love in all its putrescence.

"I never want her back in my life. Why? Well, how to I begin? She... ."



#1: Had an affair while on holiday; came back crying and claimed that she was raped when it was completely consensual.

#2: Eventually left me to be in a relationship with her cousin during said holiday. Returned a year later and we reconciled. That's when things got really interesting... .

#3: Isolated me from everyone in my life. Jealous of my relationship with my mother because we were always close. Attempted to isolate me from my parents our entire

relationship; making them out to be terrible people.

#4: Forced me to cut ties with mutual friends I made during her year-long absence who, after hearing about the terrible things she did to me leading up to the break up, sided with me and supported me while I recovered. She concluded that they were bad people because they did not side with her and were concerned when she came back for me, regardless of the fact that she never bothered to talk with them for years prior unless she needed something or it suited her.

#5: Demanded all my attention constantly, and resented me when I expressed my need for a healthy amount of personal space.

#6: Insanely jealous when anyone spoke to me in front of her, including my parents. Required constant reassurance and grovelling or she would resent me for hours afterward. This, I will admit, appeared to lessen in frequency the longer we were together. Whether that was due to honest growth or a greater ability to internalize resentment toward me, I will never truly know.

#7: Due to being unable to work a normal job, she begged me to allow her to become an escort. I initially said no and that we should talk more on it first.

#8: Despite my request, proceeded to become a sex worker behind my back for several weeks. Convinced me that the job was meaningless and it was something she could do that made money and that she could control. I somehow forgave her and permitted her to continue with new boundaries established between us.

#9: Couple months after starting the job, had an affair with a client for a couple of nights. 'Affairs' in this context now refer to unprotected sex that is unpaid for and out of the boundaries her and I discussed. Begged me to forgive her and I did.

#10: Had an affair with her driver that provided the venue for her business while I'm away on holiday to see family. Begged me to forgive her and I did.

#11: Beat me in the face in the middle of the night because I said something in my sleep and I did not know what it was. She thought that I was lying to her and hiding something.

#12: Threatened to hurt herself when she could not hurt me. Would cut herself or throw herself into traffic if I did not allow her to get near me during arguments.

#13: Would sit on my chest and punch me repeatedly in the face. Later on the same day made light-hearted jokes on it and put makeup on me so I could go to work and avoid questions from coworkers.

#14: Grabbed my finger during an argument and twisted it as hard as she could, causing loud audible cracks and I was surprised it wasn't broken. Even so, that was several years ago and my finger still aches on occasion after that occurrence.

#15: Threatened violence toward my dog and our animals. Threw our cat down a staircase and kicked and roughly grabbed their tails on occasion.

#16: Threatened severe violence toward me if I angered her; was blamed for not calming her down and the rampage that resulted because I was not patient or caring enough in her eyes.

#17: Beat me with the heel of her high heeled shoes. When she discovered how much damage the pointy bit could do... .she did it more frequently. If you've never been attacked by someone's high-heel shoes before, I assure you that it can do some serious damage.

#18: Would chase me around the house with a knife. If she couldn't catch me, she threatened to kill herself with said knife.

#19: Stabbed me in the hand three separate times with a pair of scissors. Have scars now and lost a fair amount of function and grip strength in my hand one time for a good week.

#20: Would headbutt me in the nose abruptly if I appeared to invalidate her. The randomness of this occurring would make me completely unsure whether or not she would do this. Sometimes she would respond less hostile, but other times she would lash out.

#21: Crying or begging her to stop during her assaults would tend to infuriate her more, causing her to attack me more viciously. Shoved her fingers down my throat to stop me from crying.

#22: Decided not to move to America with me because she was having an affair for months during the time for the interviews. Demanded I move to live with her in England. Admitted that she would have left me if the man she was cheating on me with would have left his wife. Miraculously, I forgave and agreed.

#23: Showing vulnerability in myself seemed to make her respect me less. Did not understand why I would be depressed or anxious. Sometimes seeing me upset made her angry and argumentative, even if I attempted to discuss my issues.

#24: Verbally berated me and insulted me on a daily basis, calling me useless and a child and that she couldn't rely on me to do anything. Anxiety and fear caused me to mess up on simple chores occasionally and lead to her devaluing me more and saying I was pathetic.

#25: After being insulted and hardened and isolated for so long, chronic numbness would set in and make me appear to be 'stoic', or in her words "emotionless". Trying to manage her emotions often lead to her saying i have no heart or care about her feelings. That I was a robot and a heartless ass.

#26: Beat me with whatever was in her hand at the time, smashing water bottles, coffee mugs, umbrellas, or plates on me. On one occasion I grabbed a plate from her and threw it to the ground in a rage. She then picked the shards up and threw them at my nude body (we were both undressed at the time), resulting in a shard slicing my leg before I could get a pillow up to defend myself.

#27: One time she punched me in the face and bit me viciously on my body because I took too long on the toilet and she 'missed' me. I also refused to sit next to her when she ranted because I was afraid of her.

#28: I ran out of the house several times just to get away from her rampages. She hated this and reprimanded me when I did this; that doing this was me abandoning her. I would come home after catching my breath and be beaten on for a little while longer.

#29: Became very volatile when I couldn't perform sexually due to stress, anxiety, and/or depression. Attempting to explain or engage in intercourse made her more frustrated and started beating on me in the face. Needless to say, it didn't help me in getting it up to perform.

#30: Continually went on and off her meds during our relationship, switching and changing and going off of them completely, whether I supported her or not.

#31: Despite my constant urging for her to get help, she continually dragged her feet. Acknowledging that she had a problem but still unmotivated to take action for it.

#32: Used emotional blackmail to keep me from speaking up or running away. Threatened to harm or kill herself often.

#33: Threatened to murder me. Threatened me on multiple occasions with a knife near my face. Stabbed a wall near my head and made threats toward my life. Her eyes would glaze and she truly encompassed a monster at these points. I believed some days that I honestly thought she would kill me one day.

#34: Failed to remain sympathetic to my suffering; attempting in all manners and styles to convey my emotions to her seemed to stick for only a couple hours or a day at most. She remained befuddled by the thought that I was struggling, often becoming irritated and angry that I was upset.

#35: Would attempt to grab at my genitals and rip at them. Luckily no real damage ever occurred.

#36: Would bite me wherever she could, whether it was my arm, leg, or the top of my head. When I expressed how biting affected me viscerally and caused me to panic and lose control of myself, she did just as you would expect... .she did it more often.

#37: Would appear to lovingly listen and care for my insecurities, fears, and the issues that I had, only to use them as weaponry when she was triggered.

#38: Many abusive incidences came in waves of verbal and physical abuse, followed by crying and regret and shame and apologies, followed by more verbal and physical abuse. Rarely was there a time when I felt like she was truly sorry for what she did.

#39: Losing strength and conviction to do much of anything, she would berate me for being lazy and worthless.

#40: Pressured me and convinced me to quit my job so I can spend more time with her while attempting to move to England to permanently be with her. Proceeded to throw this in my face during arguments that I'm not doing anything or I'm leeching off of her.

#41: Blamed me when I was emotionally unavailable, struggling, too distant, too cold, not sympathetic enough, or not understanding enough of her or her past. Apparently, in her mind i was too tough on her and needed to give her a break.

#42: Constantly urged me to talk to her about my feelings and then got angry when I attempted to open up. This did not occur every single time and sometimes she was lucid and understanding, although this was not the norm.

#43: Hit me in the face while in public because my tone of voice insulted her.

#44: Was constantly paranoid that I was lying to her or holding back, causing hundreds of arguments and several physical altercations. Accused me of being a liar almost daily for several months. Stopped doing that recently when I put my demands on the table.

#45: After an incredibly abusive and traumatic 6-month trip to England, I gave her an ultimatum: Stop physically abusing me and start getting treatment. She agreed! Woo!... .Until it lead to her paranoia that i would leave her, causing a massive rift in our already damaged relationship.

#46: Tells me a couple months ago that she knew she had a problem, but she didn't realize how serious it was, despite me spending years begging and pleading and supporting her to get better. Promised me to improve and get therapy.

#47: Left me a couple weeks ago, claiming that i was too emotionless and an uncaring ass who expected everything to be handed to him on a gold platter. She claimed that she was the one attempting to change and improve the relationship and I didn't do anything.

#48: One single day after the breakup, she enters a relationship with a long-time 'friend'. She claims to be happier than ever and feels free and like a dark fog has lifted from her life.

#49: I am now painted black and she returns after one week of NC to tell me that she believes I am a narcissist and I need help and that she never truly loved me and that her new boyfriend treats her better than I ever did.

#50: And finally, after all of this, she continues to blame me for making her unhappy and that I, ultimately, was her downfall.

Thank you for reading some, most, or all of my list and I hope I encouraged at least a couple people who are suffering to try this for themselves, regardless if they wish to share it.

Remember that you're not alone, and it is not your fault. You are loved and you deserve love.  

[thisagain]

Welcome to bpdfamily! 

I've also seen advice to make this kind of list. I've found that it can help me stay centered and see the whole picture of the relationship. If I'm thinking about reaching out to her because of some warm fuzzy memories, it helps to remember the reality that the warm fuzzies were mixed with a lot of unstable emotions and devaluing of our relationship.

I see your breakup was just a couple weeks ago. It must be overwhelming to look back on ten years of this kind of behavior! Are you worried for your current physical safety, and if so, do you have a plan to protect yourself from violence?

You'll find a lot of great resources and advice here, to help heal and explore some of the issues you identified like codependency - but physical safety always comes first. Take care of yourself and keep posting, it really helps.

[Rannan]

Thank you for the warm welcome. I think I will find myself here daily for a good while. I've been making it a habit of whenever I start feeling the urge to try to check up on my ex, I come here instead and read as much on others recovering through this as I can.

I am not worried on my personal safety anymore, thankfully. I'm currently back in my home in America and she's all the way in England since I never officially made the move so I don't think nor see a reason why she would hunt me down and hurt me.   She may be many things, but I do believe she's a good person in her core... .but her condition just overshadows it.

I'm finding it very difficult because despite a ten year relationship, I am still young (23 years old) and I wasted all opportunities in my youth to acquire friendships or any kind of social life that would help support me through this now. My life literally revolved around her growing up and I feel I have to start at 0 with nothing to pull from. I am completely isolated and don't even feel like I have any prospects where I am because I was convinced I would be living most of my life in England. It's been incredibly challenging but I suppose the silver lining is that I am still so young, so I still have plenty of time to heal and begin life anew. Finding the motivation for that is going to be the hard part.

I do find myself wondering, because we knew each other when we were little and before her condition appeared to manifest, if our childhood bond holds any significance to someone with BPD. I was there while she went through many of the childhood traumas she faced that made her what she is, and I just find myself wondering if that holds any weight at all... .

I miss her terribly, and while I am struggling to hold NC I am undecided if I want to try to be her friend at all if she reaches out. We used to play games together all the time and I miss a co-op buddy.   I suppose that would not be healthy, I'm sure... .

[thisagain]

Wow! So when did you come back from England? Do you have a place to live and a plan for getting back on your feet?

I understand about the motivation. The relationships are so intense and the breakup can really do a number on our brains. Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist yourself? Most of us do, to try to work out how our own issues contributed and start working through the trauma of the relationship itself. I'd imagine that could be especially important for you since you grew up in this relationship. It's important to identify and resolve the unhealthy effects that this relationship might have had on how you communicate, feel, and act in relationships.

What are you wondering or hoping she might do because of knowing you since childhood? It's definitely not something we encounter often - if for no reason than that pwBPD at that age usually push people away for good much sooner than ten years. How long did you know each other, and how long were you in a romantic relationship, before the violence started?

It can be really lonely after a breakup, especially if you lost or ignored friends during the relationship. I encourage you to look for other people to play games and spend time with! You can find some different perspectives, and cautionary tales, on trying to be "friends" after the breakup here:   PERSPECTIVES: Contact after the breakup.

Coming here instead when you feel the urge to reach out to her is a great idea. I keep a Word doc on my computer of especially wise posts, and read through those whenever I'm missing my ex or feeling any regret. I also like rereading this article about Ten Beliefs that can Get You Stuck. Reading through the list you made could also be helpful in those moments.

I'm glad you're safe, and we're rooting for you as you start to heal and build your own life! 

[Rannan]

I returned from England February of this year and I was gone for six months, as that is the longest amount of time you can stay in the UK as a visitor. This was just one of many trips, mind you. Collectively I've had around five individual trips to England throughout the entirety of our relationship, including her visiting me in the US twice.

I am staying with my parents at this moment in time as my income made thus far in my life has entirely been invested in plane trips and visa preparations that went nowhere. I truly did put all my eggs in one basket for this relationship, and now that it is gone you can see from the picture I'm painting that I really am far behind where I need to be in my life at this point. At least I feel this is the case. I suppose my plan is to pursue my career ambitions and put myself completely into my work, but I've always been of the mindset of working to live, not living to work, so now that drive in me feels so shallow in comparison to what I felt I had.

I truly hope to feel motivation to find new direction soon, because I cannot bear this stagnation I've been feeling since the separation. The entire narrative of my life has changed and trying to get a foothold on myself has been a challenge. Reading all these stories of people going through similar has been the best thing that's happened to me since the split though!

Thank you so much for those links, I read through them and they were very insightful. I don't think I want to see a therapist about this if possible. I don't know... .I just don't feel comfortable with the idea at this point in time. I realize many people here do have therapists and I do find it a possibility for the future, if I find I truly can't handle this on my own (with the support of this forum, of course).

That's very intriguing how childhood relationships with BPD partners are that uncommon. We met when I was 13 and she was 11 on an online forum for the same game -- Black & White 2 -- that we were very excited about (Major disappointment btw, blech). When we met we had this undeniable chemistry together even when we were little, before we even knew who we were! We just just spoke and became friends and got on MSN and would chat the days away. She was such a kindhearted and shy girl when I met her. We shared the same sense of humor and honestly grew up together over the internet. She was already living in a hell but I don't think it had broken her yet until a couple years later. I believe I saw the very moment that her BPD manifested into the form it is today, although I could be wrong. She received an incredibly traumatic email from her father, affirming all these repressed memories and nightmares from her past that she wasn't sure were real. After that, I saw a marked change in her behavior that I believe was the final manifestation of BPD.

The exact point that the violence started is hard to say, as we were long distance for the majority of our relationship (a fact that I think actually prolonged its' lifespan). I do know that every single trip was met with physical abuse except for the first one which was simply because it was only for a few days and thus remained in the honeymoon stage.

The reason I wonder if my past with her matters at all is entirely selfish, I suppose. I guess I just desire validation that knowing her before the chaos will make me have a special place in her heart somehow, that I will stand out amongst the rest in some way. I know that is entirely selfish and pointless to desire, but I feel comforted by the thought that my care and friendship will stick somewhere inside of her. That is probably stretching and simply a pipe-dream.

I think I will actually make a thread about this topic in a day or two to see if anyone else has had experiences like this, where they knew their partner before their illness appeared to fully take hold of them. I think that could be very insightful to discuss.

Anyway, I'm ranting. Thank you very much for your questions and conversation. It's really helping me sort my head out.  

[Confused108]

I just read your story about what your ex did to you! Be  GLAd she has moved on! I can understand forgiving someone for cheating once . But come on man your lucky she didn't give you aids or another sexually transmitted disease. If you think your replacment is gonna get treated better then you ... .ha think again! Let him be stuck with her.  Consider yourself lucky you got away! You don't need that in your life!  Block her and move on. Good luck!

[Sadly]

Hi Rannan
I have just read your story too, incredible. I know each to their own and everybody's different but I just cannot get my head around knowin she was a sex worker and it being ok? It's too weird for me to understand. The other thing I don't get is being with someone who would hurt your animals like that. Throw your cat down the stairs! . I know you are very young but heavens, you must know this is very abnormal behaviour, all of it. I am so glad you are home away from her now and you have your whole life ahead of you so please, think about therapy, not for understanding her but to understand yourself. I know this sounds judgemental but I promise I am not judging you, I am just shocked and worried, you sound such a lovely caring person, you deserve someone who will treat you with respect and love. Take care you. X

[UnforgivenII]

Your list is impressive. Hilarious. And empowering.
I will write some sort of it soon. thank you for sharing.

[Cinlou]

Rannan, I read your list and it made me want to cry.  NOBODY, I repeat NOBODY deserves that kind of treatment.  It's hard to believe that we put up with so much abuse all in the name of love.  I know it's hard and I know it's sad but please don't let yourself believe you can be friends with her.  She will only bring you more hurt and more pain and you don't need that.  You have the rest of your life ahead of you and trust me, you will find someone amazing. She's out there waiting to find you and the longer you stay entangled with your ex the longer it will take for you to meet her.  You need someone that will love you, accept you, value you and respect you.  Your ex crossed so many lines.  Time to heal (by doing whatever it takes) and then open your heart to a woman that will truly love you and treat you the way you deserve.

[Woods77]

Just awful, you've been through something like a war.

I hope in time you feel better and happier. At least you will always be safer.

Take care of yourself.

[insideoutside]

Rannan

Thank goodness you are out of that 'relationship'.  Your post made me feel incredibly sad for you.  Nobody deserves to be treated like that, you are worth so much more than being somebody's emotional and physical punchbag.  At 23 you have your whole life ahead of you; put this relationship in the bin where it belongs and focus on you.  I wouldn't give your ex the time of day; emotional abuse is despicable but coupled with physical abuse its horrific. You should had bought charges of ABH against her.  I appreciate she is mentally ill but that does not give her a free pass to lay one finger on you.

I hope you are ok and doing well now that you are thousands of  miles away from her.