First contact since April and found out she's getting married to my replacement

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My story can be found through this thread-line: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293215.msg12757816#msg12757816

TLDR: 10 year long-distance relationship that started when I was 13 ended March 26th, 2016. Suffered lots of physical and emotional abuse throughout those years and her leaving me is a blessing I will eventually appreciate. She was in a relationship with my replacement the next day.

I'm a longtime lurker of these forums but have distanced myself as an attempt to move forward and ruminate less often. I haven't had a day yet where my pwBPD has not entered my thoughts but they have slowly been becoming more fleeting and less painful. Overall, I feel like I've been making solid progress to slowly learning to live without her in my life, and to fully appreciating the fact that I am now free from such a toxic individual.

While I was at work on Friday I decided I would go through my old contact list. I felt that it was time to remove her numbers from my phone so that I would not have to see her name anymore. I accidentally called the number. My heart immediately leaped out of my chest and I quickly cancelled the call. It lasted no more than a millisecond. I got spooked and put my phone away and go about my day.

Later that night, I receive two calls on my phone before I realize who it was. She was calling me. My stomach started to churn and anxiety rose and I ignored the calls. She sent me messages over Whatsapp. I looked and replied. It was brief and she had left me unblocked over the weekend before finally blocking me sometime this morning. The following is the brief exchange we had... .

Her: Hello. Why did you call me? Tried calling back because I'm a bit worried.
Me: I was going through my contact list and accidentally called. No worries.
Her: Did my parents ask you to call me?
Me: They did not. It was legitimately accidental. I'm sorry that I worried you.
Her: That's a weird coincidence because my parents called me for the first time in a few months after I told them I don't want contact from them ever. So... .are you sure they didn't ask you to phone me to check up on me? I mean, please tell me truthfully. Have they called you at all? It's very important.
Me: Huh. That is strange. I swear that it is just a coincidence. I wouldn't have gotten involved even if they had asked me.
Her: Awesome. Thank you. Weird coincidence though.
Me: Yeah, that's spooky. No problem.
Her: =)

And that was it. Short, simple, and to the point. It messed me up good that day, to the point where I was about to go to bed that night before realizing I hadn't eaten anything all day.

I feel that the most imperative thing for me to do now is to not overthink things. Don't overanaylse her words; don't theorize why she cut contact with her family (which honestly is a good thing, because her parents are twisted child abusers); don't wonder why she left me unblocked (Although now I am reblocked as of today, so I don't have to be concerned with that anymore); don't wonder if I said the right things or if I should've said anything at all, and don't wonder if she used this as an excuse to test the waters and see if I'm still receptive to contact, etc. I mustn't torture myself with these thoughts, and intellectually I am fully aware of this. Emotionally and practically, however, I am a mess and have been ruminating ever since.

When I found out I was blocked again this morning I did something I really shouldn't have: I snooped on her. I haven't checked on her in months and was doing so well, but now I messed up and found out that she posted just yesterday that she will be getting married to my replacement on Saturday. What's done is done and I know now and I have to accept this.

I... .don't know how to feel. He will be further along than I was, (We were only engaged and waiting to be married once I was able to move to England to be with her) and while I know marriage for BPDs is essentially an insurance policy to keep their partners trapped, I can't help but feel despair and a deep sense of mourning in the pit of my being.

I know what I must do and I know I was making great progress and that progress is full of bumps and dips, but right now I FEEL like I am almost back where I started. I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for by posting this thread, but I just need to tell someone.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and just remember that contact with your exBPD may seem harmless after a long period of NC, but it can actually bring you right back into that past mindset and feeling of hopelessness and pain.

[Rannan]

My story can be found through this thread-line: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293215.msg12757816#msg12757816

TLDR: 10 year long-distance relationship that started when I was 13 ended March 26th, 2016. Suffered lots of physical and emotional abuse throughout those years and her leaving me is a blessing I will eventually appreciate. She was in a relationship with my replacement the next day.

I'm a longtime lurker of these forums but have distanced myself as an attempt to move forward and ruminate less often. I haven't had a day yet where my pwBPD has not entered my thoughts but they have slowly been becoming more fleeting and less painful. Overall, I feel like I've been making solid progress to slowly learning to live without her in my life, and to fully appreciating the fact that I am now free from such a toxic individual.

While I was at work on Friday I decided I would go through my old contact list. I felt that it was time to remove her numbers from my phone so that I would not have to see her name anymore. I accidentally called the number. My heart immediately leaped out of my chest and I quickly cancelled the call. It lasted no more than a millisecond. I got spooked and put my phone away and go about my day.

Later that night, I receive two calls on my phone before I realize who it was. She was calling me. My stomach started to churn and anxiety rose and I ignored the calls. She sent me messages over Whatsapp. I looked and replied. It was brief and she had left me unblocked over the weekend before finally blocking me sometime this morning. The following is the brief exchange we had... .

Her: Hello. Why did you call me? Tried calling back because I'm a bit worried.
Me: I was going through my contact list and accidentally called. No worries.
Her: Did my parents ask you to call me?
Me: They did not. It was legitimately accidental. I'm sorry that I worried you.
Her: That's a weird coincidence because my parents called me for the first time in a few months after I told them I don't want contact from them ever. So... .are you sure they didn't ask you to phone me to check up on me? I mean, please tell me truthfully. Have they called you at all? It's very important.
Me: Huh. That is strange. I swear that it is just a coincidence. I wouldn't have gotten involved even if they had asked me.
Her: Awesome. Thank you. Weird coincidence though.
Me: Yeah, that's spooky. No problem.
Her: =)

And that was it. Short, simple, and to the point. It messed me up good that day, to the point where I was about to go to bed that night before realizing I hadn't eaten anything all day.

I feel that the most imperative thing for me to do now is to not overthink things. Don't overanaylse her words; don't theorize why she cut contact with her family (which honestly is a good thing, because her parents are twisted child abusers); don't wonder why she left me unblocked (Although now I am reblocked as of today, so I don't have to be concerned with that anymore); don't wonder if I said the right things or if I should've said anything at all, and don't wonder if she used this as an excuse to test the waters and see if I'm still receptive to contact, etc. I mustn't torture myself with these thoughts, and intellectually I am fully aware of this. Emotionally and practically, however, I am a mess and have been ruminating ever since.

When I found out I was blocked again this morning I did something I really shouldn't have: I snooped on her. I haven't checked on her in months and was doing so well, but now I messed up and found out that she posted just yesterday that she will be getting married to my replacement on Saturday. What's done is done and I know now and I have to accept this.

I... .don't know how to feel. He will be further along than I was, (We were only engaged and waiting to be married once I was able to move to England to be with her) and while I know marriage for BPDs is essentially an insurance policy to keep their partners trapped, I can't help but feel despair and a deep sense of mourning in the pit of my being.

I know what I must do and I know I was making great progress and that progress is full of bumps and dips, but right now I FEEL like I am almost back where I started. I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for by posting this thread, but I just need to tell someone.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and just remember that contact with your exBPD may seem harmless after a long period of NC, but it can actually bring you right back into that past mindset and feeling of hopelessness and pain.

[xDash]

Mine did the same, he cut off contact with literally his whole family. Refused to speak to them.

I first encouraged him to keep in contact, but he told me many things, awful things about his mother which made me supportive of his decision. Also, witnessing what she was like, I didn't think she was a good influence in his life.

But now, he ran away from him back to his mother. Seems when you don't keep on living according to their rules, they leave to get their way again.

[Rannan]

Yes, she seems to have cleaned house and cut ties with her entire past life. She goes by a new name online, including a pseudonym on her Facebook (I have to assume that it's a pseudonym, because it's pretty silly for it to legally be her new name), she has moved in with my replacement months ago, and apparently left her family behind. She's made such drastic changes since we've separated that it feels like she's trying to wipe the past out of existence.

She's getting married today. I'm trying not to think about it, although that is difficult to do when you have emotional dreams about her the night before. I'm off work today and am sitting here ruminating. I need to try to find a way to preoccupy myself and make sure I never make the mistake to check on her again.

I had gone several months without looking, and it was at the point where I didn't want to look and that the temptation to look was very weak and easy to manage. I want to get there again.

I don't want to think about her. I don't want to think about him going further with her than I managed to do in 10 years. I don't want to think about them being together in that way. I was better off not knowing. Intellectually I know that this particular man in question is a people-pleasing, desperate, 36 year old orbiting pile of crap who hovered around for almost 2 years while her and I were together and that this marriage is simply a way for her to ensure he can never leave so she can continue being the way that she is with no worries, but my heart cannot be convinced by my brain. It just does not compute.

It has been only seven months. I'm still reeling and she didn't skip a beat. That's the way of BPD, I suppose.

[UnforgivenII]

Not being married to her is a great blessing.
Would you want it? To be cheated on and left out of the blue maybe with children involved?

Do not envy him. And do not blame him. It is not him. He is just another future member of this board.
Do not EVER break no contact. It is poisonous for us to be in contact.
Hugs to you.

[Rannan]

Thank you. Again, logically, I know that you right. I am thankful that it ended with no real strings attached and I have the opportunity to wipe the slate clean and heal. I am very thankful for that. My heart, unfortunately, is not cooperating with my head and is yearning for the poison and mourning the fantasy of what was lost.

Yes, my post before appeared very bitter and I actually wanted to go back and edit out the unnecessary assassination of my replacement's character but was unable to.

Although I do not blame him, I do not feel for him. He has done some legitimately terrible things in the past and I do not think he is a good person, so in a manner I suppose they are deserving of each other.

Anyway, that's completely besides the point. I apologize. I'm just venting.

Breaking no contact... .that's the part of this that frustrates me the most. I was not breaking contact and was getting better every day until I accidentally called her and she contacted me. Since then I've taken several steps backwards and it has been very challenging for the past week.