Can I get her back or just detach?

[Oncebitten]

Ok short version of my story.

With a wonderful woman in a rocky back and forth relationship for several months.  She breaks up with me and I think it is over.  Distraught I seek comfort from another woman.  After a short period of time ex shows up and wants to talk.  I want her back and we work on getting back together.  I don't initially tell her about the time spent with the other woman.  I eventually do after we have started to work things out.  I kept some details from her up until just a few days ago when i was confronted with them directly.  She ran into the other woman and got her version of the story.  Because of the continued lies from me and not knowing exactly what the other woman told her (although one thing my gf mentioned I know to be a lie) she has left me again.  told me she is done for good.  I know that I lied to her and betrayed her trust.  Does anyone see a way for me to fix this?  She believes it all to be to much.  And maybe it is.  I just know that I love her and want to share a life with her.  Do I hold out for a recycle, or just quit.  I have tried to repair the relationship for months and while we have those moments of grace we keep moving back to the bad.  Am I painted black beyond reach?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

What would you tell another member of these boards or a close friend to do in your situation?

[Oncebitten]

Meili

I have no idea what to tell anyone.  I love her and thats all I know. I dont know how to fix what I did. I can't take back the mistakes or untell the lies.

[Oncebitten]

I can't seem to find the strength to let her go either... .

i am frankly to close to this to be remotely objective.  I know it goes against the idea of the board to tell someone what to do but, I almost feel like that's what I need.  If this were someone else I would probably tell them to walk its not worth it.  But in this case my heart is running the show and any logical thought I may have is just along for the ride.

[Meili]

in this case my heart is running the show and any logical thought I may have is just along for the ride.

Here's the thing with that, it isn't really your heart that's controlling; it's your thoughts. Our thoughts dictate our emotions which in turn dictate our behaviors. If you change your thoughts, you can change the rest.

As for your comments about not being able to fix the past, that's 100% correct. You have apologized. There is nothing more that you can do. You can choose to continue to take the abuse from her, or you can choose to put a stop to it by establishing and enforcing a boundary.

What do you think would happen if you told her that you weren't going to discuss that subject again? My guess is that she'd rage against you. Well, you're pretty sure that she's going to rage anyway, so what's the difference.

Another guess that I have is that she's lost all respect for you because you've become a doormat to her. She unloads all of her emotional arousal on you and you take it in stride. You've taught her that it's acceptable to treat you this way (no judgment, I did the same with my x). You can also teach her that you are now stronger and she is no longer allowed to treat you like that. You can regain both your own self-respect, and her respect for you. You just have to stand up to her and be strong.

Do you run the risk of her walking away permanently? Yep. I know that's a scary place to live. Change only occurs however when the pain of where we are becomes greater than the fear of the unknown. But, which is less scary, imagining the rest of your life as it is today or a positive change? No matter which way you look at it, establishing and enforcing your boundaries will only lead to a positive change no matter what she decides to do.

But, why are we even worrying about what she decides to do? That's her choice and completely beyond your control. You can only control you. So, worry about that which you are actually in control. Focus on what you can do.

What can you do? What are you willing to do?

[Oncebitten]

I suppose you are right... .cant continue the way it is.  She says go away but then sends me a nice text thanking me for something I did for her.  Lets me call the talks to me for a hr about everything.  So what does that tell you?  Think she is really done with me or this is just another test.

[Meili]

It tells me that you need to keep your conversations with her much shorter.

[Oncebitten]

You think low contact would be best? Be available but detached?

[Meili]

Well, I've always thought that NC would be best until you've gotten yourself sorted out, but you are resistant to that, so LC is the next best thing.

[Oncebitten]

I feel like I have myself sorted.  I know what I want and I feel like my best bet at getting back together is by staying in contact.  She has done nothing but try and talk to me this afternoon,

[patientandclear]

I suppose you are right... .cant continue the way it is.  She says go away but then sends me a nice text thanking me for something I did for her.  Lets me call the talks to me for a hr about everything.  So what does that tell you?  Think she is really done with me or this is just another test.

It tells  me she likes telling you to go away and having you nonetheless be there at her whim.  It puts her in total control, which can feel very reassuring to someone with attachment issues.  It doesn't mean it's progress toward anything beyond this, though.

[Oncebitten]

Patient

I guess thats my question.  Is it a control thing?  Or is it some kind of test?  She was all in just a few days ago, couldnt tell me that she loved me enough.

[JJacks0]

Hi OB,

I have been reading your posts this morning and I'm sorry that you're struggling so much.
If I may ask, what are you discussing when she keeps making contact? You say that she is no longer interested in a r/s with you, but you also say that she has done nothing but try and talk to you this afternoon.

My ex and I are currently NC. It is absolutely heartbreaking, but so was the push/pull. I came to a point (when the push/pull was so intense), where I realized that we just had to take a break from each other. It was her request to go NC initially, but I rejected it at first and desperately hoped she would call. Well after 9 days she did - professed her love, said she didn't want to be with anyone else, etc... .only to flip on me again that evening. After that I realized just how cluttered her mind had to have been to keep pushing and pulling with that level of intensity.

Now it has been 2 months w/o contact. I do still want to be in a relationship with her. BUT, I want her to want to be in it too, whole-heartedly. I don't want to stay in the unhealthy push/pull cycle. I realized that I was confusing for her to be around, and also somewhat of a trigger for her. I make her head spin because I flood her with so many different emotions. It sounds like this may be the case for your ex too? She loves you and wants to be around you, but you also instill those feelings of fear, doubt, anger, etc. for things that have happened in the past. This is the case for my ex. I could see the toll it was taking on her just trying to figure out how she felt about me, so from a selfless perspective too, NC seemed necessary to potentially give her a break from at least some of the chaos in her mind. So in that sense, I felt like the only option was to give her space, time and try to focus on making myself better so that if we were to reconnect in the future I would be a better partner. I know how natural it is to go chasing after them - I did it myself for an entire month, if not more. At a certain point though, I began to feel like if she kept running I should stop chasing. There is a fine line between dedication and pursuing who we love, and pushing it too far (not saying you're doing this at all, just sharing thoughts). I know she is speaking to you so this is not the same situation, but it does sound like a similar dynamic as far as her uncertainty goes and her inconsistent behavior towards you.

I'm probably not really in a position to be dishing out advice, because I do miss my ex terribly and definitely have days where I feel weak and consider breaking NC. I just try to take it one day at a time and realize that she needs time to focus on herself too. It is scary because I have no idea what she's doing right now - she could miss me, or she could be moving on, seeing someone else and forgetting me entirely. I can't know what she's doing, but I hope that she's getting some clarity, working on herself too, and maybe one day I will hear from her and be pleasantly surprised. I'm not suggesting you do this, but I do think that at some point if the push/pull becomes too severe, it might not be a bad idea to step away for a bit. It may benefit both of you.  

[Oncebitten]

JJack

i understand completely.  And yes the push/pull cycle is exhausting.  i have the same fears you do.  If i leave what will she do.  If I stay does that give her the comfort to look for someone else knowing I am still there. 

Its a bit of a catch 22, I may have to leave for her to miss me and the r/s.  But if I leave do I risk her thinking I have abandoned her.  I have wronged her no doubt.  But have never left.

Its hard to let go when she is willing to just talk like we always do.  Just conversation, nothing special, nothing feels different, just void of the I love yous right now.  But she has done this before, they tend to come back and she wants to go back to the r/s.  Once she misses it.