Long talk with sister in law yesterday

[JerryRG]

Talked with my exgfs sister in law yesterday

She told me what she thinks about my exgf

She said she only loved herself, had to be the center of attention always.

Said she had burned all the family, and the bridges to each one.

Said she did not like the new bf, nor did her husband, brother and mother (grandmother), no one in the family care for him.

Said they all get a very uneasy feeling about the guy, don't trust him.

Said my son was better off under my care.

She's disgusted my exgf won't work.

She's tired of the fake illnesses

She believes my exgf has love for our son ?

She told me to ignore the exgf trying to get my attention with texts, email.

Said exgf and bf fight and argue constantly

The exgf and bf are using each other and no real love or relationship there.

So nothing new with her, same old playbook.

She also said my exgf needs to hit bottom, when that happens is anyone's guess.

She told me to just care for my son and myself and ignore her and her craziness.

[Herodias]

Well, I know that sounds gratifying... .yet somehow I know it doesn't make you feel better either. It doesn't sound good for your son, whom I am sure she does love in her own way. I think most people cannot fathom what we really know about them intimately. I watched a really good u-tube video of an interview with H.D. Tudor who is a self proclaimed master narcissist on "Out of the Box" radio. He describes people with his personality as really looking at life in a different way than the rest of us. I think we know this, see it, but still can't believe it to be true. Maybe this is the problem. When we talk with others that agree with us, that their behaviors are wrong according to society rules, we feel better about our own feelings. The problem is, the person with the disorder sees life in a whole different way. I think about the whole "Man of LaMancha" story... .which was always something I loved. I think we still believe it would be better for them to do as we suggest, but I know you understand this since you are involved with A.A. -You can suggest all you want, but if the person isn't ready to make a change or doesn't want to, there is nothing you can do. You just have to let go and hope for the best outcome. I think in some ways, she is glad you have your son. I think she has even told you this... .It is sad to see them ruin all of their relationships when we know all they really want is to be loved. The problem is that they want to be loved for who they are and what they do. I don't think that is possible sometimes. I am not even sure hitting rock bottom and/or losing people makes a difference. I really don't after seeing how my ex goes about his life. His family knows and his sister pretty much has nothing to do with him... all it does is give him less to like about himself and more reason to act like a victim and do wrong. It's a sad way to live. I'm sure it is not much consolation to know that she and her current BF are fighting all the time even though he told you things were good. (well, maybe a little bit) You see now that you can't trust either of them. I read you need to hang out with people who have something to lose, at least they care. Those two have allot to lose and don't even care. I agree with the sister in law... .take care of you and your son. It's all you can do. Keep up the good work in your life... .hope you are feeling well. 

[bus boy]

Hi JerryRG, what I gather from your posts, she probably has hit rock bottom with her BF. You are strong, be there for your young fella and keep moving forward. God bless you and your son.

[JerryRG]

Thank you bus

I got a call from my son's day care late this afternoon asking when I was picking my son up. It is his mother's day to take him, she didn't show up to get him.

Her bf called the day care and told them he didn't have a way to get him, the day care tried calling the ex and no answer, she's been without a phone for over a week.

So, no phone, no car, no one's accountable

I picked my son up and he's sleeping now.

Thanks Herodias

I so appreciate your kind words of support and wisdom. The ex just keeps digging herself in deeper

[Larmoyant]

Jerry, I hope you manage to get sole custody of your little boy. Leaving him at day care like that is so incredibly sad. Thank goodness he has you. 

[JerryRG]

Thank you Larmoyant

I get this creepy suspicion that she knows now I'm out of her life and that she cannot control me, using our son to keep me in her life may have been her motivation all along as so many have concluded. Maybe she's giving up on him.

[bus boy]

Your son is blessed to have you as a father.

[Dutched]

I got a call from my son's day care late this afternoon asking when I was picking my son up. It is his mother's day to take him, she didn't show up to get him.

Her bf called the day care and told them he didn't have a way to get him, the day care tried calling the ex and no answer, she's been without a phone for over a week.

So, no phone, no car, no one's accountable

I picked my son up and he's sleeping now.

Certainly not to offend you Jerry, but please see what is going on.

Mother does as she pleases?
Mother not taking her parental responsibilities?
Mother not taking her legal responsibilities for a minor?
Of course, as victim of her circumstances, she has very legit excuses… as always

So father, you, is picking up pieces… as ‘mom’ feels she has the right to be not accountable…?
Reminds me of some one who said:
I can take care of our son without you telling me how to!
 The same woman who 2 times didn’t attend at son’s  graduation…

Or:  Stay out of my life! – help me when I need you!

I don’t know what kind custody is agreed, but my gut’s say to start documenting all events with dates and time in a diary.
You might need it when matters go worse, which they will.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Dutched

You are right, she basically abandoned our son, and she will continue this behaviour for the foreseeable future.

In spite of my wants, I cannot make my his mother love him or be responsible.

[Dutched]

Thank you Dutched

You are right, she basically abandoned our son, and she will continue this behaviour for the foreseeable future.

In spite of my wants, I cannot make my his mother love him or be responsible.

No, she does not feel like a bad mother.
She likes you to feel compassion with her, in order to keep part of the attachment alive.
That’s to benefit her. She needs you, you, the one to rely on for the sake of your son!

So watch out, as you will have to deal with her for many years to come with your kid!
Telling you that you are a good father…

Watch your back my friend, watch your back. Been there.

[JerryRG]

Thanks Dutched

Kinda scary how things were and may yet be.

So many people have told me she loves our son, still not able to care for herself or have enough stability to live a good life.

The other thing so many agree on is her holding on to our son for the simple reason to keep me in her life.

Not sure if this is what you were attempting to convey or not?

I'm so tired, and I'm fighting a lunatic from hades.

[Herodias]

... .and he just told you she was doing so well... Does your son know she is the one who is supposed to pick him up? She is not telling him you are the one that is late is she? I think you should find out how to handle this situation with his emotions, so he doesn't end up with abandonment issues... .that's awful! Who knows what she is up to... .could be just trying to manipulate you or could be up to no good. She could be cheating on her bf and he doesn't know it. Who knows with them. It's usually layers and layers of lies. I hope you can figure out some kind of stable routine for your and your son... .xo

[JerryRG]

Thanks Herodias

I'm fighting the devil himself.

I can't take sitting here wondering what she's scheming next and be a single parent. She's living off my son's money. This is so unfair

[JerryRG]

Another thing, son's mother says she has no phone to grandmother and when I picked him up Wednesday, there was a cell phone in my son's diaper bag with a battery but no back cover. Did mom plant it there? If so wth is she trying to tell me?

[Herodias]

I don't understand what you meant... .She tells her Grandmother she doesn't have a phone? Sounds like she is lying to her... .maybe she doesn't want to talk to her much or maybe she is trying to get sympathy. Problem is, you can't figure them out. My sister just told me the same thing... .she said I need my ex to pay me through the courts so he would be more motivated to pay me... .instead of my worrying about when or if he will. I keep wondering when he will get himself locked up or go to rehab or the mental hospital again... .it's bound to happen. It is not fair that you pay her and you are the one being responsible for him. Hopefully that will get sorted out soon... .

[JerryRG]

Son's mother has been communicating over Internet fb messaging I believe, she told grandma she has no phone, her phone is in our sons diaper bag.

Yes, I have a feeling she left it in the bag to show she doesn't have access to a phone, to what end? Maybe she believes without a phone she is allowed to bow out of parental responsibilities?

Like trying to figure out children on a play ground.

Your ex sounds a lot like mine, break down and trips to mental wards. My ex could use some time to get some perspective.

Thank you Herodias

[Herodias]

Yes, my ex would actually like going to rehab and the mental hospital. It would be down time for him. He could relax, be on legal drugs, go to group therapy and color in coloring books! I think he picked up people behaviors in there too, which is really bad, considering there were schizophrenics in there too. I went to all of them to visit him too. What a way to live... .awful. He would bring some of these people to our home afterwards. The craziest story was when he has this guy over at 2am and he was walking him through the house to show him what we had and told him how much it all cost. When they came into the bedroom I woke up, but pretended to be asleep... .they went downstairs and got drunk. I heard him telling the guy he could have his other set of golf clubs to that they could go play golf. They proceeded to put on scuba gear my ex had and went diving in the pond in the back yard that had an alligator in it! In the morning after no sleep and trying to contact help, being told by the authorities it was his home and he could have anyone over that he liked... that I should leave if I felt unsafe... .I got up and quickly got dressed for work. I left as they were playing golf in the small backyard at 6am and saw half cooked red meat on the grill and half eaten on plates. I backed out of the driveway as the guy from the mental hospital stared at me with that tilted head look like dogs do... .I got two phone calls after I got to work about him telling a friend and his Dad that he was going to kill himself. I told them both to call the police. I was numb at this point. A while later the police called me and told me that they had my husband, they were taking him to the VA, they threw out the man that was on my sofa and they would lock up the house. I told them thank you very much. I worked half the day and then went to see him in the hospital. He was still drunk and acting out. They Psychiatrist asked me why I was still with him? I said he was my husband!  He was being so mean that I left him and went home to find blood all over the house to clean up. It was the worst he had ever cut himself... It was awful. I am sorry, but this is not someone who can have a baby and suddenly be perfect and either is yours... .I am sure you have stories too. I think we get caught up in the idea that we were their protectors and only we know them. We have to let go for our own sanity. The new people will learn. It is out of our hands... .luckily... right?  I know you still have to deal with her and I wonder if you are struggling to deal with the lack drama in your life. I know I was... .it seemed so boring after being in all that chaos. Let the bf deal with her. Enjoy the silence... .I am learning to calm down.

[JerryRG]

Thanks Herodias

Yeah I have a lot of experiences, and when I revisit them here or in the privacy of my own memories I get embarrassed and I fear I'm the one who's nuts.

How and why we put up with these loons for as long as we do/did is scary and demoralizing.

One example:

Exgf told me that after her divorce she was in a mental ward and met this guy there. He was much older and crazy but she thought he was nice. He lived alone a long way from the hospital and he was lonely so he asked her to come and stay with him. Obviously she... .did go and stay with him, found out his real intention and left, hitched her way back home, alone.

What person in their right mind goes to live with someone they met in a mental ward, alone, far away from family?

My exgf, and yep I still stayed with her after hearing this... .

[Herodias]

I know how you feel exactly... .I think it's because we are very caring people that grew up i homes that were not the ideal situations. We convinced our selves that with the way handled it, no one normal would want us. These people seemed perfect for us in the beginning- I think the people with BPD do this too... , only we try and stick it out because we think that's what you do, but they decide we are truly nuts for putting up with them and then try and find someone else who is closer to how they are... .leaving our egos shot because we thought we were doing such a good thing keeping them afloat in life. I don't know- I just made that up,  sounds good! I can see her friending someone in the hospital, mine did on several occasions. Maybe these are people they think they have things in common. I'm glad you are sticking to your program. I quit drinking after my ex and my gf each got into bad car wrecks and didn't want to be next. I stayed away because the thought of him and I drinking together st home was scary, if we went out to dinner I would. Now it's pretty rare. I saw a picture of my ex with one of those large cans of beers. Right next to him holding the baby. He had t changed. Your won't either. I'm not sure they want to.  It's easier to do whatever you want and get people to cover for you.  Have a nice night... .I'm off to read my HG Tudor books from Arizona ... .he really explains this all to a T! Really sick but I get it now. Have a wonderful night... .

[JerryRG]

Thank you Herodias

Went out for dinner with sil and my son last night. I deliberately avoided talking about my son's mother. She did mention once how she disliked my exgfs bf.

My son adores her, his eyes lite up when he seen her. Son is going to her place this afternoon while I go to a meeting.

I feel bad for my exgf, no one in her family like her or her bf. She's managed to do it again.

Son used his potty chair twice yesterday, so proud of him. He's so snuggly warm beside me I don't want to wake him up.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day