He's gone...and he's happy

[purekalm]

Hello,

He just left a couple hours ago, and didn't tell either of us goodbye. (My son or me.) Was playing the nice guy to try to get sex out of me before he left. I can't understand the level of selfishness he has, it's beyond my comprehension. My mom was up when he left and said "he was happy as a lark" as he went out the door. He's feigned pain, but he couldn't wait to go. I feel so sorry for my son, the absolute unfairness of it all. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel. I'm tired of the pain and even though now I know things will get better with him gone, having made his decision, it sucks that he smashed our family, that we were abandoned. That he hurt us again after saying he's leaving because he doesn't want to hurt us again in an attempt to justify himself. I'm so angry, so sad, but all I can even manage at the moment is a few silent tears. Kinda numb. So surreal. Abandoned twice in the same year. It is of some comfort to know that it's the end  though. No more fighting over how lazy he is, or having to get on him for being too harsh with my son, or trying to find a way to tip toe around being nice but not encourage him to think everything is ok, no more mean comments or listening to his constant complaints or road rage. Of course I could go on and on but I won't here. I just needed to say it, so there it is. He's gone and he's so happy about it I'm disgusted. 

Purekalm

[schwing]

Hi Purekalm,

I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

I don't know how/if this will be helpful right now but don't try to interpret any of this feelings/behaviors as if they are normal.  Sure, it seems like he is "happy as a lark" right now. But this is only because his whole life is ruled by the pain and the fear of the pain of what you are going through right now: abandonment.

He seems happy right now because for now he's convinced that he's avoided being abandoned by you and your family by abandoning you first. He feels like he's dodged a bullet. But what he cannot accept is that *everyone* he gets close to, makes him feel this pain. No matter how much they love him.  No matter how hard they try. He ends up having to deal with these disordered feelings.

You are in pain right now.  And so long as you take care of yourself, you will recover from this pain. He will continue to be haunted by this pain.  It will dominate the dynamics of his next relationships. And so long as he continues to choose to blame his partners, this will continue to be the case.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[purekalm]

Hey schwing,

I get that. I think it's why it's so frustrating to me. When he left in May earlier this year he couldn't wait to go visit his family, had fun, decided to stay, and complained to me about them the whole time. Then, after a couple weeks he wanted to come back and so I gave him that last chance. He's left again with his "new start" theory and that's the reason why he came to my state from his in the first place and so he is forever in search of a new start. He can't sustain a relationship because he gets bored, frustrated and is afraid of being abandoned. He would tell me that a lot the last year, that I need to "just go ahead and abandon him like everybody else has" and I would tell him that wasn't my plan. He couldn't accept the unconditional love I offered him, he wanted me to punish him for what he was doing wrong. When I didn't and forgave him, trying to support and help him to help himself he couldn't handle the guilt and inevitably took it out on me. He told me two months ago that he couldn't look at me or my son without seeing all the things he's done to us and so he can't function around or with us for any period of time. He hates himself for what he's done and that he can't seem to stop what he's doing while he KNOWS without a doubt that he's doing wrong. It's a constant pain he has and unfortunately will always until he accepts his condition and accepts help. Above all, he's a broken man, no matter what he's done. It doesn't mean he can come running back to me once he realizes this, but I believe I could support him making him fully aware of that fact. It's so messed up, but it is what it is and I accept it. I'm not perfect either, so I can understand his pain to a degree. Everyone has always abandoned or hurt me as well, but I don't live in fear of it like he does. Maybe one day he'll be able to heal. That's my hope for him. And hopefully be able to have and repair the relationship with his son. =)

Thanks schwing. I do try to stay objective as much as possible.

[sweet tooth]

Schwing, I understand your frustration, sadness, anger, etc.  However, when you claim to understand how he feels you are using a cognitive distortion known as "Mind Reading."  Here's a link:

www.cogbtherapy.com/cbt-blog/common-cognitive-distortions-mind-reading

Is he happy? Is a person who exhibits BPD traits capable of true happiness? Is anybody? It's impossible to tell, except for ourselves. In reality, he could be beating himself up inside. His "happy as a lark" could be a defense mechanism to cover up his feelings of inadequacy:
"I'm a loser.  I couldn't make it work with Schwing, so I have to run away. Schwing and her son are too good for me," etc.  OR he might genuinely be happy about the decision.  It's impossible for us to tell. 

You said he abandoned you twice in the same year? I highly recommend that if he comes back that you don't welcome him back with open arms. 

[purekalm]

sweet tooth,

I'm quite confused with your post. Are you referring to me for your entire post or are you posing some of this to schwing? I don't want to answer until I know for sure exactly what was directed at me.

Purekalm

[sweet tooth]

sweet tooth,

I'm quite confused with your post. Are you referring to me for your entire post or are you posing some of this to schwing? I don't want to answer until I know for sure exactly what was directed at me.

Purekalm

It was all directed at you. I goofed up the screen names.

[purekalm]

sweet tooth,

 

Actually, I do know how he feels because as I pointed out, he told me. I wasn't trying to assume I know, he has done that. One thing that can get under my skin is something like what you just accused me of, because that's what he did all the time. I was always very frank with him in telling him exactly how I felt because either he wasn't paying attention or totally misinterpreted any signals or anything. Why argue over stuff and instead just be completely honest? He was the one however, that would never say what he meant and say I knew what he was talking about, to stop playing innocent and then rail at me for being difficult to understand when I just stood there and told him point blank what I felt and thought but he wasn't paying enough attention to soak it in and think about it.

Sigh... .You don't know me, so it's not like I'm upset with you. I feel like you only skimmed my post as I did point this out.

I personally know that yes, he is happy... .and he's miserable. He's happy to be free and away and visiting his family in a place he knows and getting going on his fresh start, but he's miserable about what he did to achieve it. We've had a few conversations even the last few days about it all again, and he truly believes this will make him happy. Saying that someone with a disorder isn't capable of happiness, to me, is dehumanizing. At their core, they are broken and in need of help. No, a partner cannot fix them, they need help that a partner simply can't give. It doesn't change the fact that they have the capacity for happiness, or any other emotion or state of being, it's just usually specifically on their terms because of their issues.

It's not impossible to tell if someone is happy, even when they don't tell you if you pay attention. He is notorious for misreading how people feel about him, but that's because he's always looking though a filter of self hate. I brought up a myriad of subjects and thoughts to him about himself that I had been able to observe that he hadn't fully recognized or did but had been afraid to tell me how he really felt. It was easy to see though, the pain, the fear, the anger and control to try and stop it all. If you really love someone the majority of the time you just "get" them and don't even have to ask. Not that you always know by any means, but it's not impossible.

Yes, I did say he left twice in one year. The first time he was just supposed to visit family and decided to stay. Again, I don't believe you read what I wrote because I said that he wouldn't be welcome back, but I would hope that he could get the help he needs and to hopefully create and repair his relationship with my son.

He has projected his feelings on me long enough for me to know what it feels like when someone does it and I wouldn't want to be doing it now to him. I'm only saying things he has specifically said to me and nothing more.