Tools to break the silence?

[NewStart]

Good morning,

Looking for some ideas and/or tools to use to maybe help break through my latest and darkest period of being painted black.  My wife and I have been together for about 3 years and have gone through numerous periods where she has used silent treatment to keep me off balance, but currently I have been painted into a very very dark place.  At this point she has turned to barley talking to me, not responding to direct questions, when she does respond it's typically accompanied by a nasty quip and finally and most frustrating she does not respond to any texts unless she send one that requires me to respond and even then her responses are short and business like at best. 

To me it seems that maybe my mistake has been to respond in kind by not sending any messages all day and if I have to matching her unemotional answers with unemotional answers of my own and lately by not talking much as it seems like every time I open my mouth she has a hurtful response.  Basically, she seems to have gone to the most extreme corner now and we barely communicate at all and I'm sure the kids and anyone around us can sense the tension.

Any thoughts or ideas would be helpful... .have to say that looking back I should have been here a year or more ago trying to find ways to get through to her... .hoping it's not to late now... .

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[ArleighBurke]

I may get slandered for this, but I would suggest Amused Indifference.

With me reason being: Don't get sucked into her frame. Live your life the way YOU want to. If you're at home, be jovial, joke with the kids (if you have them), make comments to her even if she doesn't respond (nice comments - perhaps pretend you were talking to your dog). Say "I'm going to do X - want to come?".

This is the same as what I would do if my 6yr old daughter tried the silent treatment. (I woudl also try "I've got this amazing chocolate cake. Do you want some? No? You're not answering me? Ok then!" or ":)o you want some? WOW she talks! This must be magic cake - I've got to call the hospital and tell them I've got the cure for mutism!"

[NewStart]

It's funny you say just be jovial and carry on as normal because I do with her and the kids and her response... ."you're so fake!" 

No... .I'm just a nice guy trying to avoid the storm... .

[C.Stein]

I think it is good and necessary to carry on as if there were not any issues between the two of you.  The kids need this.

Why do you think she is being so hostile towards you right now?  If you can identify the cause maybe you can find a way to mitigate the fallout and get back to some semblance of normality?

[NewStart]

Hey C.Stein,

You're right, the kids need it and healthy adults need that too... .but living in it with no validation or caring in return is hard.

That's a great question, and I think the more I read and reflect on this I am a big part of the cause as I didn't realize how to properly validate and not engage in futile arguments.  Frankly, I'm really worried that maybe there is no way out of it this time... .over the past three years every small action from me, perceived or real, has received ever greater reactions from her.  So the problem is this, I follow her wishes, I make sacrifices, I do all the things she says I am lacking in doing and over time have received less and less kindness and/or validation in return... .so at some point I react and the cycle starts again.  She pulls away, says I have to do all these things to regain her trust, I do the things, I get nothing in return and at some point I react... .repeat... .

Not sure if that makes any sense?

So where are we now... .well I have tried to break through several times and now, now it's her cataloged knowledge of everything I have ever done and that I haven't apologized or made amends and when I let her know I have or try to, well it's to late because she had to tell me etc... .it's the circle of no win... .

[C.Stein]

That's a great question, and I think the more I read and reflect on this I am a big part of the cause as I didn't realize how to properly validate and not engage in futile arguments.  Frankly, I'm really worried that maybe there is no way out of it this time... .over the past three years every small action from me, perceived or real, has received ever greater reactions from her.  So the problem is this, I follow her wishes, I make sacrifices, I do all the things she says I am lacking in doing and over time have received less and less kindness and/or validation in return... .so at some point I react and the cycle starts again.  She pulls away, says I have to do all these things to regain her trust, I do the things, I get nothing in return and at some point I react... .repeat... .

Not sure if that makes any sense?

It makes complete and total sense to me.  Nothing you do will ever be good enough because the emptiness inside a borderline has no end.

I think the short term goal here is two fold.  :)on't make it worse and look for a way to establish a line of communication that is productive, not destructive.

To that end, I encourage you to explore the right side bar, specifically the "basic tools" and the Section 1 Workshops.

I also think it would be immensely helpful to find a mediator in order to reopen lines of communication.  Have you explored the option of couples therapy, preferably with a therapist who understands the complexity of relationships with borderlines?

[ItsVal]

That's a great question, and I think the more I read and reflect on this I am a big part of the cause as I didn't realize how to properly validate and not engage in futile arguments.  Frankly, I'm really worried that maybe there is no way out of it this time... .over the past three years every small action from me, perceived or real, has received ever greater reactions from her.  So the problem is this, I follow her wishes, I make sacrifices, I do all the things she says I am lacking in doing and over time have received less and less kindness and/or validation in return... .so at some point I react and the cycle starts again.  She pulls away, says I have to do all these things to regain her trust, I do the things, I get nothing in return and at some point I react... .repeat... .

Not sure if that makes any sense?

That is exactly where I am right now, no communication, she totally painted me black, but only after that I heard about BPD from my therapist. She broke it of, moved back to her old place where her ex still lives, he made good use of the situation to add all lies and negativity on top of her dysregulated state towards me. She's in the middle of the busiest week at work for her and well you get the picture. I fear it's too late.

I hope I can manage and maybe open communication with her too, but it'ts been almost two weeks now and nothing ... .

[NewStart]

C.Stein, Thanks for pointing me toward the information, I am looking for every tool I can get my hands on, read a lot on validation and am trying to get better at that.

We have seen several counselors, problem is if one points out her role in our dance... .she says they're nuts and she's not going back to them.  I am seeing someone on my own and so is she.  I've tried to get her to come with me to my counselor and she keeps refusing stating she is working on herself and I need to work on my own sh## with my counselor.  She was committed to come to an appointment with me a week ago and backed out last minute, but committed again for this Tuesday so I hope that happens though she has threatened to not go already.  Funny, she says she'll drop in, will only agree to one time and it's just to let my counselor know what I'm doing so he has a baseline... .

[C.Stein]

I believe working on yourselves is important but it is probably not going to help much with regard to reestablishing a productive line of communication.  :)o you think there is some way you can compel her to want to go without making it obvious that is what you are doing?  It is exceptionally difficult, if not impossible, to fix the relationship issues if you both aren't making a genuine effort to do so.  It will require work as individuals and as a couple.  How can you "light a fire ... ." so to speak?

[Meili]

... .but living in it with no validation or caring in return is hard.

This is one of the hardest aspects of being in a relationship with someone who has BPD traits. The non must learn to self-validate and provide self-care because it will not consistently come from the partner.

For many of us to do this, it required us to look deep within to determine why we weren't doing these things and nurturing our inner-selves to begin with. Have you taken a look at that?

In addition to the workshops link posted earlier, these links might prove beneficial also:

Staying 101 - From joining via coping to thriving

Lessons for Members Staying and Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

[C.Stein]

over the past three years every small action from me, perceived or real, has received ever greater reactions from her.

I'm going to pitch a possibility here, let me know what you think.

From what I have seen on this forum and in my own relationship borderlines have a fantastical view of what a relationship really is.  My ex for example would refer to Disney couples and other unrealistic couples in cinema as her view of how a relationship should be.  :)uring the idealization period this fantasy is generally upheld, but as the relationship progresses the fantasy starts to fall apart because it is not realistic.  For a borderline I believe this breakdown of the fantasy can manifest itself in a variety of ways, one of them being what you are experiencing with your wife right now.  

Would you say this is more or less accurate?

[NewStart]

Some more great links and information, I will keep reading as much as I can and hope it's not to late to correct our course... .

As far as how can I light a fire to get back to couples counseling, to work together towards a goal... .that might not happen.  At this point my uBPDwf has recruited a neighbor lady rescuer that is having her own troubles at home as well as started devaluation with family and friends as well.  Talking with my wife last night, trying to understand, trying to validate, I was so COMPLETELY blown away by her recollection of innocuous events and/or words and how they've been spun into such grand atrocities... .the road to being devalued and split black seems to be the road we are on already.

Still not responding to texts... .I'll be watching my step kids this weekend, her kids, while she heads out of town with friends... .and I sent a message that I have everything handled at home, not to worry, be safe and above all have fun... .and that I love her... .no response... .

Seems healthy right?

[C.Stein]

Seems healthy right?

I think that was a good text.   

[NewStart]

Haha, I didn't send the sounds healthy part!

Oh, and she did respond... ."I need my backpack... .do you know where it is?"