Desperate advice needed

[ItsVal]

Hi all,

New here and in desperate need of advice. I'll try to explain my personal situation as short as possible but it will still be a long read, so I apologise in advance.

I'm a 38 year old male. My SO is 35 years old and has a son of 4 years old. I'm the boy's godfather. I met her about 8 years ago when she started dating my best friend at the time. We went out all together on regular basis, he then changed jobs and became a bartender/waiter. So she was mostly alone at home at night/weekends and the usual spare time, she still has an office job. So we started talking more amongst the two of us and then after 3 years she became pregnant (not planned). As our friendship was getting stronger, and I was still on really good terms with him, I was asked to be the child's godfather. So after her son was born, we started spending even more time together and we grew closer. The relationship between her and the boy's father started going downhill after the birth of their son. She started getting detached from him, even getting disgusted from him. All of that was told by both of them when we met as friends. There was still nothing romantic between her and me, not even the thought had occured. We kept keeping in touch, more and more talks, long conversations, when suddenly in april 2015 I started developing feelings for her. I never acted upon them because well she was with my best friend and they had a child together. We still kept going out and our friendship grew even stronger (if that's even possible). Suddenly in june we went for a night out, and she told me she had developed feelings for me too. We had a wonderfull night but we also got back to reality and decided not to let it go anywhere as long as she and her ex where together. But so unexpected the week after that she caught her ex with one of her relatives in the bathroom when she came home early from work. Both of them immediately called me that night and both of them came over seperately to talk about it. She decided to end it all with him and he was left heartbroken. I never thought he could be the cheating kind but she drove him that far after almost three years of living as brother and sister instead of real couple. I tried supporting him as best as I could, but meanwhile she and I got together almost immediately but kept it hidden for everyone. Nobody noticed because everybody was used to seeing us together anyway. After about a month or so we couldn't keep it to ourselves anymore and she decided she should be the one to tell him (on a moments notice) so she did without me having a say in it. He was so mad at me and broke of all contact with me. She almost immediately moved in with me, and we had a great 6 months. Everything was so good, starting making plans everything you could think of was ok. Until suddenly she started acting more distant and stuff. I thought it was because of her job and stress at work (busiest time of the year around octobre) but suddenly she confronted me with a couple of lies she picked up from my past (over 15 years ago even before I met him). I confessed to them after a little hesitation. Turns out she had been questioning my mom and others about me and stuff came out of the closet. Soon after that we went on a trip to Egypt and all hell broke loose. I was bad, I was the one that had problems with relationships and stuff like that and the trip ended so bad, that when we returned home she broke up with me right after Christmas. I was left alone, devostated confused and broken. She moved back to the house she bought with her ex 5 years ago (it was up for sale but not sold and she was still paying half of it, he was still living there). She kept in contact and told me she missed me and even came over a couple of times, we still had sex on some of those visits and all that accumulated in us getting back together soon after new years eve. We picked up where we left of and started going forward. After a couple of months I got involved with her employer for an IT project on a big scale (I'm an IT consultant) and we started negotiations and stuff. We both knew it would be a lot of work and time consuming. It would also mean investing all my savings and stuff. She convinced me to do, I was hesitant. So that started and I started working on it as much as I could. She starting acting like I neglected her, but she knew it was work. This was around may this year. Suddenly she started the whole process again and once again she found out about the last thing she didn't know about me (a single lie from that same period so many years ago). She tricked me into confessing again by saying if I did we could get through anything and stuff. But right after I confessed, she broke up with me again. Now it got even worse, she accused me of being a pathologic liar. Said I had to seek professional help or I wouldn't see her and her son ever again. After a couple of days I did exactly that, she had me convinced I was the disordered one. I started therapy and a couple of weeks later after a lot of fights and talks and what else ... .we got back together. I kept on going to therapy and got confirmation in writing that I was NOT disordered in any way. The lies were just a way to cope with my parents divorce and my stepfather cheating on my mom coupled with my relationship at that time going downhill. More out of shame to hide my personal situation at that time nothing more, nothing pathological about it. And never happened since then either. So she had that in writing and confirmed by the therapist on the phone. I tried to do everything I could to make her feel better again, and during the last 2 months that's all I did. I kept intensive therapy (2-3 times a week) going for myself though. But the therapy shifted towards her and her way of controlling everything in my life.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ItsVal]

To be continued

[ItsVal]

By that time I also agreed to buy her ex's half of the house and move in with her there. Appointments with bank and stuff were made. Then suddenly two weeks ago on sunday she let me know the boy would be away with his father and she would be working a bit from home (busy times again around octobre). I told her ok and my mom came over unanounced. She asked me to have lunch somewhere and I agreed, and at that same time I got a text from her stating : Hey you, I without son today, what are we gonna do? I replied and said my mom was here and asked if she wanted to come along for lunch. And that was like world war III started. I lied to her and I knew my mom would be coming over and all hell broke loose. I tried calling she didn't pick up, my mom even tried calling, nothing either. So I went for lunch with my mom. We were just about to begin eating when I got a long text from her stating she didn't know what she was waiting for, that I would never be able to function in a relationship and a lot more of that same things, that this isn't what she wanted in life and that she couldn't take it anymore, and the end so to speak. I couldn't eat anymore, went back home, took my car and drove to her place. Her ex was still there (I thought he would be out with their son) and so I called, no answer. Sent her a message stating that she could at least come out and say it to my face if she wanted to end it. She came out a couple of minutes later, and sat in the car next to me. I couldn't talk to her, she was again so stubborn and convinced she did nothing wrong, I'm the only one to blame and the whole story about the lies again ... .and when I wanted to reply she shut me down. After a couple of minutes she got out and went inside and left me to hang. I drove home, broken again. During the next couple of days contact was minimal. She would send me business related mails that I didn't answer. I forwarded her mails with the bank appointments and stuff and asked if that was what she really wanted. I cancelled all of them and a that week during my therapy session I got the worst news ever. My therapist analysed everything and asked me a lot of questions and came to the conclusion that she has all of the signs of BPD. 8 of the 9 traits are there pretty strong, only one is missing or I don't know of it at least. I couldn't believe it, started reading, getting information wherever I could. The more I did, the more it made sense. A couple of days went by and she initiated contact again with some lame excuse she needed a laptop charger for work but couldn't find it and it had to be at my place. Daily contact followed until last friday. A couple of months ago she arranged tickets for a comedy show with some friends. She called me and asked if I was going, I said yes and she said if you're going so am I. But a week ago she exclaimed to the mutual friend that bought the tickets she wouldn't go because she couldn't be in the same room as me. So I was baffled, and nervous as hell. We picked a time for me to pick her up and I did, the ride there she was distant but told me all about the past two weeks, she was busy at work, went out a couple of times, met up with a guy she knew from college, his wife found out (nothing happened, I believe that though) he got kicked out, she got chased by the wife, stuff like that. I tried not to react overly to all of it and we arrived at the show. The friends were not there yet so small talk when suddenly she asked how I was doing and I replied I didn't want to talk about that because I didn't want to ruin the night. She was offended but after a while came back and then the friend arrived. And what do you know, she started flirting with me. During the show she kept touching me, flirting even blew me a kiss. After the group of friends wanted to go out, but we declined and went somewhere else for a drink. That's when she upped her game, kissed me out of the blew and got really hands on. I let myself go and we ended up having sex in the car, she came with me to my place, again a wonderfull time and night, she did stuff both in the car and home she never did before, exposed herself so to speak almost completely. She had to pick up her son at her parents early in the morning so we agreed to set our alarms and I would drive her to her place. When in the morning the alarm went of, she got up, picked up my keys and went to get her son, I expected her to be back at noon or so to get me my car back, but half an hour later she was back with the boy. She installed herself in the living room with him, I got up and joined them. We talked for hours, she kept saying she didn't want a relationship but couldn't live without me and all that ... .While the boy was watching tv we had sex again, then decided to watch a movie ... .put the boy in bath (had sex again), gave him lunch (sex again), back in front of tv (she pulled me in the bedroom again). When we decided it was time to leave she asked me to go to a furniture store with her and the boy because she needed some stuff for work. I agreed and we drove there. Once there instead of office stuff she started looking at living/bedroom stuff, bathroom and kitchen stuff, just like nothing happened (we planned to remodel the house after I moved in and bought her exes share) but I got emotional. She asked what was wrong repeatedly and after a couple of times I told her : I'm not a robot I do have feelings, this is things I wanted to do with you for our future). She stated I should act normal. We left didn't buy a thing, and went back to her place, stopped for groceries along the way. Once at her place, the boy went up to play and we were in the kitching talking for hours again. After he had dinner and was punished for not eating well and put to bed, she started running a bath and invited me to join her. I did, sex again, long bath long talks, after the bath sex again. Back to the kitchen, talking, sex again, to the couch and she fell asleep on my lap. Knowing her ex would be home from work at midnight, I gently let her slide of me and kissed her and said I was leaving. She mumbled 'I love you' and I left. On sonday we had really intense contact by text messages all day long, and in the evening a long phone call over two hours until he came home and she hung up on me. On monday I texted that we needed to talk, that this was not a normal friends with benefits type of thing (as she called it). She replied that we had to talk because a lot happened that night at her place on a spiritual level. Turns out she told about all of the weekend to her ex, he now claims to be some enlightend person. The made a video showing orbs and stuff, and that all that was going on between her and me was a spiritual battle to heal my soul stuff like that. I got kind of mad and replied : it's simple when we are together and just ourselves all is great, as soon as something or someone comes close to us, all hell breaks loose. She shut down. When driving home she texted me she was at a restaurant near my place and asked me to go over. I did and when I arrived, she was so convinced of that spiritual stuff, her ex convinced her I still hadn't told her 1 last lie. There wasn't any except the fact that I was part of her cheating on him. After half an hour she was convinced that was it and I should tell him. I texted him stating I wanted to talk. No answer, she kept being convinced and stated that she realised owning a house wasn't in her destiny, so she gave up on the plan to buy the house, that she gave up on materialistic stuff, that she gave up the idea of giving her son a proper education, he was the son of two spiritual people and would make it on his own, that she wouldn't take anything at work anymore because she knew she would make it even without her job. When she left, didn't even give me a kiss, said that was egoism and she didn't do that anymore. I left for home to, and he texted back, really weird so I let her know and she started calling me, twelve times in a row and during the last call she made me an ultimatum : I had to tell him, or she would and I would never see her again. He let me know I could meet and I did and told him. He was cold, harsh and his eyes were full of anger. But he spoke of spiritual stuff like he was some kind of jesus or whatever. I left ... .on tuesday I texted her in the morning, no reply. Same thing on wednesday morning, and wednesday afternoon I texted once more, no reply. Due to me working for her bosses, I heard she had a falling out at work on wednesday and almost gave her resignation ... .

Now here I am, she seems like a totally different person after such a great weekend together. My therapist thinks that we got too close again, and she is now looking for a way out into the irrational extreme ... .

Anyone have any advice on how to handle this, how to keep her from making the biggest mistakes of her life. I don't even care for myself or the romantic relationship right now, I just want her to get back on her feet and keep going for the house, her job and her son!

TLDR : known her 8 years, been with her for little over 1.5 years, broke up for the third time and she's totally out of control.

Thanks for reading and I hope someone can tell me how to get through to her

[ArleighBurke]

Anyone have any advice on how to handle this, how to keep her from making the biggest mistakes of her life. I don't even care for myself or the romantic relationship right now, I just want her to get back on her feet and keep going for the house, her job and her son!

Wow - what a read! Whether she has BPD or not, whether you are in a relationship or not, her choices are her choices. It sounds like she has a history of being "unstable" - that is just who she is. As much as we all want to help others, we need to accept that we can only help those who want our help. You can talk to her to help her see her options, but at the end of the day - her life is her choice.

And I know that is hard to accept.

[ItsVal]

Well I realise that was a long piece of text and somewhat confusing. Still no direct contact from/with her, I didn't send any more text, what's the use, she's not replying anyway BUT yesterday I went for dinner at my mom's. Her friend was there and he dropped a serious bombshell on me. Said he received a message from her on facebook messenger near lunchtime and I pollitely asked more.

She's representing the company she works for at the biggest event of the year starting on saturday. My mom's friend works as a designer for a company related to the sector (no sales or marketing) but she only met him like 5 times and always painted him as an egocentrical idiot, they never got along and now she wants to meet up with him just like that ? And facebook messenger is intentional, she had to look him up and knowingly send a message of course ... ... ..what gives?

[ArleighBurke]

You say you don't care about the relationship, you just want the best for her? Is that true?

Because if it's true: who cares why she is with him? Maybe she wants a rebound easy something. Maybe she's contacting him because he's close to you and she's trying to get some drama out of you. Maybe its work related. Who cares! Let her live her life. She gets to make her own (good or bad) choices.

Of course, you may still care because you deep down want her back... .

[ItsVal]

I think I should have worded it better, there might be some confusion. She contacted my moms friend as you say to get some drama out of me, I have no doubt about that, since she never liked the guy to start with and it's my moms boyfriend so to speak sort of but that's a different situation. On top of that, yesterday afternoon she apparently ordered some stuff online using an email address with MY lastname as the domain name, one I set up for her to use for private communication between the both of us. She has alternatives enough, her own provider mailaddress and her work mailaddress to name a few. It was a webshop she wasn't buying from before, so she purposely had to fill in that emailaddress to register/order .Why would she use the mailaddress with my lastname, she never used it for online shopping or anything else.

I'm just trying to make sense of it all, and am not willing to get recycled again. She broke up with me 3 times over non-issues, always wanting more and demanding more ... .But I do care for her wellbeing, and most of all for the wellbeing of her son, I'm his godfather after all. She's like brainwashed by the spiritual ramblings of her ex and is about to give up an opportunity to secure the house for her and her son, lose her job and whatever else might be spiritually ruled ... .

The rush into spirituality and the devine seems like a BPD trait too, she can't explain how she isn't able to handle the intimacy and the closeness we achieved once again 10 days ago and is running from it into the irrational stuff her ex is using now to his benefit.

[ArleighBurke]

I'm sure she will use what ever tactic she can to get a return from you. That is the BPD way.  If you don't want to respond - then don't! Accept this as a game she is playing - and refuse to play. Don't respond to texts, messages, calls etc. If her using an email of yours is a problem - change the password.

There are many similar stories on this forum of people "trying to go Non Contact". Have a read... .