Bpd ex boyfriend

[drained1996]

Brum,

Life takes each of us down the path of detachment differently... .some take longer than others... .and I was one of those for various reasons.  You seem to be getting a grasp of things fairly well, and know that staying NC is what's best for you in your own process.  Time will continue to lessen the pain, and you will begin to find little pieces of yourself to help you on your path to becoming a better YOU!  I like your idea of a sabbatical for a while... .it'll help you clear your own head, and understand better what YOU want in a partner to make YOU happy... .

[Brum]

Any thoughts of a new partner sickens me at present which is the reason for this so called sabbatical. I was last touched by him. I'm not sure whether I want to keep hold of that or get rid of it. Perhaps I should have a fling which means nothing. Then maybe I can move forward. But why does it still feel like that wouldn't be fair on my ex? Omg, I'm so bewildered at this whole farce.

I comprehend Drained that I need to find the better me, but I'm still getting caught up in these obsessive thoughts about him! Has he still got a hold over me even when he's absent? My life... .The power of the borderline disturbs and torments me. And even after that thought, none of this is his fault! Adult or not. He doesn't want to be this way. He is not evil. He is helpless.

It does make me think what he has done to me and how this whole process has damaged me. Maybe a blessing in disguise... .who knows.

Anyone who is still in a relationship with a BPD person, I really doubt it could ever work. I did EVERYTHING I could for my ex and yet we failed. The thing is, if I had known he suffered from BPD at the time I was with him, it may have made things worse. I know myself; I would have tried to persevere and use my research to guide me with strategies to cope, but I think the only difference it would have made was for it to be dragged on and on for 5,6,7 years until nothing was left of me. For me, just over a year killed me, and boy am I glad I only found out after I had left him that he was borderline! Otherwise it would have destroyed me.

[Brum]

As for children... .We did discuss having them at some point. But thank god I didn't because that would have made me as bad as his parents. His dad had BPD and his mother left him with three kids when my ex was six! I can't help thinking why I was so stupid. My ex wasn't fit to be a father of my kids. He couldn't even look after himself let alone a child! I truly believe his parents are responsible for screwing up his life, just as I would have been if I had decided to have had kids with him!

I strongly believe that people should NOT be parents if all they have to offer is abuse/neglect. It sickens me.

[drained1996]

Brum,

The enmeshment we had with our pwBPD gets less entangled with time and energy spent focusing on ourselves.  I keep hearing you on how his parents are to blame, but the simple fact is, our partners were adults, and they are responsible for their own actions.  Mine knew she suffered from BPD, and just found the road of therapy too tough to continue.  Doesn't matter... .there is no real fix in my mind, it could only serve to make hell a better hell... .which is no place for anyone.  No matter one's past they do carry responsibility for their actions, which is what eventually the fact that helped me make my decision to leave my ex.  Nobody deserves to be treated in a manner many BPD's treat their partners... .no excuses... .alcohol, drugs, bad childhood, they are all excuses in my book. 
Brum, you're really in the beginning stages of detachment from what you have shared.  Allow your heart and soul to heal by continuing to look after you.  It does get better... .I know you've already seen improvement, trust that with the effort you are giving it will continue.   

[Brum]

My ex did not know he suffered from BPD and neither did his parents I don't think. I know he's an adult Drained but as I have said before, I fully blame his parents because he is the way he is because of them! Solely them. I will always feel this way. People with BPD lack responsibility because they are not all there in the head! And the reason for this is their scarred childhood which ultimately has been in the hands of his parents.

I am not making excuses Drained for my ex partner. They are valid reasons for his state. Bad parents equals screwed up kids. Simple as.

[Brum]

If it was a matter of controlling their behaviour and taking responsibility there would be no such thing as BPD! The cause of this sickness stems from childhood trauma. End of... .

[Brum]

Feeling ok last couple of days. Sometimes hear his voice in my head but I try to block it out. Not sure what else I'm supposed to do.

I figured that I have been waiting for a miracle to get me out of this hole I feel I'm in at the moment. But then I realised that the miracle has already happened because I'm out of his life. A realisation struck me that that was the most positive result that could have panned out. It has only occurred to me over recent days. I'm getting there I see but next week it will have only been two months since I left him.

I think less and less now where he might be, but the good times still manage to etch their way to the forefront of my mind every so often and that is what I know I have to deal with... .for now at least.

I am sleeping, and the dreaming is improving. I feel I'm making up for all the sleepless nights I had with him over the year when he couldn't sleep and was anxious or restless. But his touch still haunts me. I do miss his smell and feel, but I know this is inevitable at this stage of my healing period.

[Brum]

Weekends drag!

[Brum]

Drained are you there?

I have had a thought... .Coming onto this forum and writing messages must mean one thing. I'm not letting go. Although I'm not crying so much now, I'm repeatedly (every night) reading up on BPD behaviours and stories. I'm actually thinking that maybe I should stop; this can't be healthy for me, and I evidently haven't got him out of my system yet. It's only been two months I know but when is the cut off point?

I was just wondering.

[Brum]

I'm out at a club now and all I keep picturing is my ex everywhere. Like I'm going crazy. His face, his body. Hè used to stand out in a crowd with his killer looks. I just feel so lost without him. I know I'm better off without him but it just hurts so much. When I'm in a crowded room I feel as alone as ever. This really isn't easy. I can't wipe him out of my memory. I wish I could but it's all come flooding back now that I'm out socializing again.

I have tried dancing and laughing with my gay friends but when I stop and think for a moment, my mind is tormented again. I visualize my ex dancing to the loud music. I imagine him spinning me around like he used to when we were out together.

The funny thing is I had a nightmare about him last night. He made his own way into my house and found me. He chucked a bottle of wine at my feet and I was bleeding. He then towered over me while I was lying down. I haven't dreamt of him for a while so this was all a bit strange - for it to all come back to me like this. I'm not sure what this dream means but it also involved me forgiving him and getting back together with him. Hope this isn't some sort of premonition!

I have tried so hard to plod on with my life and for the past few weeks I haven't given him too much thought. The odd thought yes. But not obsessive thinking! And now I'm out, I crumble. The pain has returned and is worse than ever. I don't want to breakdown because I don't wish to put a downer on the evening but I'm finding this difficult. Why has my ex done this to me? How has he possessed my mind like this?

Any thoughts anyone? This is a cry for help.

[bestintentions]

Brum,

The triggers are going to be there for a while, that's just a reality.  I'm in the same boat.  It's been so bad at times that I just needed to do nothing but be alone to process things, and that's OK if you need to.  Find a safe place.  Not that this can help you in the moment, but this week I'm starting to feel like things are slowly turning for the better.  I had a wonderful dinner with friends and former coworkers on Wednesday evening.  Just having a few drinks, eating and laughing.  It's a place I'd never been to before so there were no triggers readily available for me.  Anyone you can hang out with that is understanding enough to hear your stories and show empathy?

bi

[fromheeltoheal]

Why has my ex done this to me? How has he possessed my mind like this?

It can be comforting to assign the responsibility for how we feel to someone else Brum, although really, how we feel is a direct result of what we focus on and what we make it mean.  The core of it is you say you feel lost without him, a normal response to the end of a relationship with someone you were emotionally enmeshed with, and the fact you haven't found ways to meet those needs elsewhere yet.  So tell me, what does your future look like?  If you were going to create an awesome life of your design, what would that look like?  And don't put him in it, because correct me if I'm wrong but that would be a fantasy, the difference being a life you design can become real by setting goals, while fantasies stay fantasies.  So really, what does your future look like?

[Brum]

Thank you guys for ur prompt responses. My future is a bit of a blur at the mo because we had dreams together. Yes it was all a fantasy really... .The whole relationship but the dreams have still been shattered. The pain is embedded in my heart. I'm thinking of getting through each day so the long term future isn't in my vision right now. Is this normal? Coming out of relationship is hard enough as it is but exiting a BPD relationship has proven to be impossible. I'm not wavering. I will not have him back in my life even if I bumped into him but jeez this hurts so much. I can't even dream for anyone else to touch me right now.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm thinking of getting through each day so the long term future isn't in my vision right now. Is this normal?

Yes, that's normal as you grieve the loss, and while you're at it, focus on your future a little bit too, so you can eventually shift your entire focus from the past to the future.  And you may build your future around a significant other, or an SO may be part of it, but no need to think about that right now, best to think of creating that awesome life, and all that entails beyond a relationship, and that will make you mighty attractive then too.

I'm not wavering. I will not have him back in my life even if I bumped into him but jeez this hurts so much.

Nice!  There's conviction in that, and good for you!  With that conviction it will get better, one day at a time, and throw a little future into your thoughts, just for fun yes?

[Brum]

Really good advice guys. Thank you dearly and sleep well. Will call for your help if need be and even update you on my progress.

[Brum]

Had my third therapy session today. Felt slightly teary but not as difficult as before. I'm hesitant to go back to see her because I don't want to keep bringing it all up. I'm not sure it's helping. I can talk about the situation with my friends if I wanted to. Not sure what to do! Continue therapy or stop? Any advice?

[bestintentions]

It's obviously completely your call but if the cost of therapy isn't a hindrance in any way, I suggest keep going.  I have a close friend who sought a therapist after dealing with a divorce from a woman with some BPD traits and ended up continuing for 14 years.  A neutral party is a good thing.

bi

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Brum-

Had my third therapy session today. Felt slightly teary but not as difficult as before. I'm hesitant to go back to see her because I don't want to keep bringing it all up.

Therapists get paid to listen regardless and good therapists direct the conversation to where they think it needs to go to be effective.  So you can say whatever you want, as many times as you want.

I'm not sure it's helping. I can talk about the situation with my friends if I wanted to. Not sure what to do!

Friends are great and you'll spend much more time with them than you would a therapist, although a therapist is trained.  Suffering narcissistic abuse or just being stressed out due to the unstable nature of a relationship with a borderline is difficult to understand for folks who haven't been there, and when they say things like "just get over it" it can actually make the situation worse.  A therapist won't do that and it's about developing a therapeutic relationship, which doesn't happen in a few visits, it can take time, but the best thing to do is go in there and let fly with whatever's on your mind without reservation and trust the process.  Of course a specific therapist may not be a good fit for you, and if you notice it may not be, ask yourself is what I'm feeling because of the therapist or because I'm addressing issues that are uncomfortable for me?  If it's the latter, keep going... .

[C.Stein]

The topic has reached the post limit.  Thanks to all who participated.

This topic has been continued here for those who are interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299772.msg0#new