Is patience the key?

[Oncebitten]

For those who have been paying attention I have bounced all over the boards here for the last month at least.  Not so much because I want to, but at times it has felt that calling it quits was my only option.  My gf and i went through a very dark period and a lot of trust was lost.  But we continue to talk and try to work through the issues we have.  Currently we are together but not.  I guess taking it very slowly would be a true statement.  While she won't call us a couple again just yet, it has that feel to it most of the time.  And we have both stated that neither of us has any desire to see other people. We both still love one another and want the r/s to work. 

My question is not pushing for her to call us a couple again just yet a mistake.  If we act like one and don't see other people, and it feels like one.  Is it ok for me to allow her that little bit of breathing room so that she can feel more comfortable and so that I can rebuild trust with her?

I would rather we call it what it is, but I do respect her for want to take things slowly and allow me to regain some trust.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

What is gained by "labelling" your relationship? You say she is not seeing anyone else, so in effect you are a couple - whether she calls you that or not.

I suspect you want her to label it to give you piece of mind.

[Oncebitten]

A label would give me a little piece of mind and help with the push pull a bit.  But other than that I agree.  We feel like a couple, its me she says she wants to be with.  I guess if this helps her and I keep that in mind then its not really an issue is it?

[Meili]

How do you think it would help with the push/pull?

[Oncebitten]

I feel like maybe it would add some consistently and give a little more basis to what we are and slow down the back and forth

[C.Stein]

I feel like maybe it would add some consistently and give a little more basis to what we are and slow down the back and forth

Or it could do the opposite

[Oncebitten]

Possibly... .should I allow this to remain a little ambiguous ?

[Meili]

Just go with the flow and stop trying to control it OB.

[Oncebitten]

Good advice

[Oncebitten]

However does doing that allow her all the control?  Does that invalidate my boundaries and my desires?

[Lilyroze]

OB,

No at this point respect is. All that aside no matter how many talks, love, gifts, time and friendship. She continues to control with hanging up, erasing addys to contact, blame you, rant, rage, and leave you hanging. You need to look within and give yourself the nurturing, love and self respect you need.

She has always been about control in the relationship. BPD and excuses, does not negate the basic need for respect and friendship is important. A true friend does not do some of those things no matter what insecurity or reasons, or quite frankly they lose friends. So she either needs counseling, or intense therapy at this point.

Toxic relationships can sneak up on almost anyone. And controlling behavior on the part of a partner knows no boundaries—people of any age, gender, sexual orientation or socioeconomic status can be in controlling relationships, playing either role.Controlling people use a whole arsenal of tools in order to dominate their partners— whether they or their partners realize what's happening or not. Sometimes, the emotional manipulation is complex enough that the person who is being controlled actually believes that they themselves are the villain, or that they are extremely lucky that their controlling partner "puts up" with them. Whether controlling behavior leads to more severe emotional or physical abuse or not, it is not a healthy situation.

Only you know whether to stay or go, being the board you are on will not say. But you have been on all of them. Do what is best for you, and if you can salvage the relationship do that.

You are on so many and questioning because deep down you know in your heart, her behavior and lack of respect, controlling and using whether for gifts, love or emotional attachement... .is wrong for what you need and deserve.

Do what is best for you, keep trying if you want. Or move to another board, look within, demand more of yourself, for yourself and what you will accept and take. It has not stopped there is always a reason to doubt you, hang up, fight with you. Yes some is BPD, the rest might be lots more, or even just lack of true friendship and respect. We teach others how to respect and treat us. Value you, protect your heart and integrity at this point.

Read what I put to Meili, then go within, pray, think, and decide what is best for your, your heart, your life, your future. Everyday we grow older, wiser and more loving and full of grace. You need some back for you. I will pray for you as well. Keep the faith. You deserve love, respect and a partner... .

Angel

[Meili]

It only allows her to have control over herself and what she does. You are still in control over you and what you do.

As far as boundaries go, that is something that you are going to have to decide. If it violates one of your core values, then you should really look at what you're going to accept. If it isn't a core value, then maybe being a bit flexible with your boundaries is not such a bad thing if it gets you where you want to be in the end.

[Oncebitten]

LR


thank you as always for the input.  And I agree I have been all over the boards lately.  But I believe that this is where I belong, saving or improving actually.  Things got worse before they got better but we made it through and the r/s it actually on a positive track now.  Will she commit to calling us a couple just yet.  No, but she does admit that's what she wants and what we are working on.  Simply wants to trust me again before she commits to that. 

[Oncebitten]

Meili


would I like the label yes.  Seeing as we behave as a couple and she says we feel like a couple and is committed to rebuilding the r/s do I have to have the label... .no.  I feel like I can allow her this request because we are working on and committed to the r/s.

[Oncebitten]

How is it that a relationship can go from everything being you want it to be.  All the old problems  behind you to a complete train wreck abd over in one conversation?

I am at a loss, everything was great, but what amounts to the perception of being lied too... .ends everything.

[Meili]

Remember that PWBPD don't see things the same way that you see them and they feel emotions much more intensely.

It looks like lying, real or imagined, is a big trigger for you SO. Much of your past fights seemed to be centered around her feeling that you lied to her about the other woman. Now she's extremely upset about feeling lied to again. Is this correct?

[Oncebitten]

This is correct. I understand that she feels lied to again.  I tried to validate those feelings. She just keeps at it until she gets some reaction even a minor one the she walks out

[Meili]

I know that you have a LDR, so things are a bit different, but why do you keep engaging with her when she gets like that?

It was really hard for me to look at myself and honestly answer the question of why I did/do that. I didn't like what I found when I did.

[Oncebitten]

Honestly I don't know.  I guess I always fell for her line that if I cared then I wouldn't walk away from those fights.  In my mind if I talked/argued as long as she wanted then eventually she would have all the answers she needed.  She would have purged all the bad and we would be good.