Birthday Greetings? Advice please

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

He hurts and, although I can't make it better for him by sending him a birthday message I also can't ignore what I've seen. His struggle especially around this time.

His pain is not yours to bear.

He used to attack my character, the nurturing qualities I have, calling me fake, a pretend 'nice' person. It hurt me to my core and I started questioning myself and internalising his words. Piece by piece he cut me down until I was left wondering who I really was, unworthy, fake, weak. Then, other times, he'd tell me different and validate who I thought I was. I suppose I do want to remind 'him' of who I am and also remind 'me' of who I am. If that makes any sense? Seriously, I sound deranged even to myself sometimes.

Makes total sense.  For myself, this one thing has kept me stuck.  Why?  Because I do not like being misrepresented and/or accused of things I didn't do.  While my ex was not verbally abusive like yours, her insinuations and implications in the things she said and the way she acted were clear as day.  This coupled with knowing how she is and what she has likely come to see me as now has ripped a hole in my psyche and has caused a lot of self doubt.   The reason for this is because I cannot seem to find a way to accept this woman who once claimed to deeply love me now feels what is likely something close to hate if not hate itself towards me.  You know, I could accept it all if I had done something deserving of this but I didn't and that is the hardest thing to reconcile of all.  The conversations with her in my head continue to this day with regard to this.

This is where understanding how BPD manifests itself is important.  The projection, blame shifting, lack of accountability, etc ... . all maladaptive coping mechanisms that have nothing to do with us directly.  Yet even knowing this doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with it ... .does it?

Remember this one thing L.  He does not define your core character, no one does.  You know who you are, don't ever let anyone convince you that you are anything different.  

[C.Stein]

He hurts and, although I can't make it better for him by sending him a birthday message I also can't ignore what I've seen. His struggle especially around this time.

His pain is not yours to bear.

He used to attack my character, the nurturing qualities I have, calling me fake, a pretend 'nice' person. It hurt me to my core and I started questioning myself and internalising his words. Piece by piece he cut me down until I was left wondering who I really was, unworthy, fake, weak. Then, other times, he'd tell me different and validate who I thought I was. I suppose I do want to remind 'him' of who I am and also remind 'me' of who I am. If that makes any sense? Seriously, I sound deranged even to myself sometimes.

Makes total sense.  For myself, this one thing has kept me stuck.  Why?  Because I do not like being misrepresented and/or accused of things I didn't do.  While my ex was not verbally abusive like yours, her insinuations and implications in the things she said and the way she acted were clear as day.  This coupled with knowing how she is and what she has likely come to see me as now has ripped a hole in my psyche and has caused a lot of self doubt.   The reason for this is because I cannot seem to find a way to accept this woman who once claimed to deeply love me now feels what is likely something close to hate if not hate itself towards me.  You know, I could accept it all if I had done something deserving of this but I didn't and that is the hardest thing to reconcile of all.  The conversations with her in my head continue to this day with regard to this.

This is where understanding how BPD manifests itself is important.  The projection, blame shifting, lack of accountability, etc ... . all maladaptive coping mechanisms that have nothing to do with us directly.  Yet even knowing this doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with it ... .does it?

Remember this one thing L.  He does not define your core character, no one does.  You know who you are, don't ever let anyone convince you that you are anything different.  

[Sadly]

Hello Lar
To start with thanks for all your lovely support recently, you have helped me loads  .
Now, how about looking at the two things together, the birthday text and the misunderstanding text from him the other day. As you say, you cannot make him believe that is not what he heard, right? Now you know it's not what he heard because you didn't say it. I don't think he could have misheard what you did say, it's too different. It sounds like he has made it up, just to push the hurt button.
So supposing you wished him a happy birthday and he came back with an " I don't know why your bothering, I heard what you said about me" . More hurt buttons pushed, yes? But what if he came back with a "thank you for the birthday wishes" text? You will not know what you are going to get, it will depend on how he is feeling. Personally, if you are so conflicted and it is distressing you this much in advance I would be true to your lovely kind self and send him a simple "happy birthday message. BUT, you need to be prepared for either response from him, nice or nasty. As long as you are ready for either you will be ok. Xx

[Larmoyant]

Makes total sense.  For myself, this one thing has kept me stuck.  Why?  Because I do not like being misrepresented and/or accused of things I didn't do.  While my ex was not verbally abusive like yours, her insinuations and implications in the things she said and the way she acted were clear as day.

.

I know the effect of those insinuations, implications and outright accusations very well. This is where JADE came in and all those horrible, endless circular conversations. I'd defend, explain, argue, justify, but you're right, as you told me in another post, he'd believe exactly what he wanted to believe and it had little to do with reality or truth. Feelings equal facts. Oh, this is all coming together now. I remember the sense of unfairness, the bewilderment, the frustration of not being able to get through to him. How could he not see how much I cared for him, wanted only him, everyone else could see. It was written all over my face and obvious in my behaviour. This is the sad part of it. He wasn't able to consistently keep hold of this or believe it. I have no idea if he ever trusted it or not. Hopefully, there were fleeting moments when he did.

.This coupled with knowing how she is and what she has likely come to see me as now has ripped a hole in my psyche and has caused a lot of self doubt.   The reason for this is because I cannot seem to find a way to accept this woman who once claimed to deeply love me now feels what is likely something close to hate if not hate itself towards me.  You know, I could accept it all if I had done something deserving of this but I didn't and that is the hardest thing to reconcile of all.  The conversations with her in my head continue to this day with regard to this.

This is where understanding how BPD manifests itself is important.  The projection, blame shifting, lack of accountability, etc ... . all maladaptive coping mechanisms that have nothing to do with us directly.  Yet even knowing this doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with it ... .does it?

No it doesn't. It still hurts. Makes me wonder if it is ever possible to depersonalise it? What you wrote CS reminded me of an email he sent me after I left which was painful for me to read. He wrote that he was sorry, "sorry that we messed up", "sorry that you will always think of me as a s***",  and this, "sorry "that I will tarnish your memory, perhaps out of self preservation". It stood out to me and I remember thinking why is he going to tarnish my memory? Who to? Why does he have to do this? It sounds purposeful, aware, appears he has some insight into his disordered thinking, but maybe it was based on past behaviour? I don't really know, but it stood out to me. I still don't quite understand it, but I know it's what pwBPD do. Paint us black. It's part of their defense isn't it. So they don't have to feel shame, don't have to acknowledge that their behaviour, their tendency to sabotage, may have led to the demise of the relationship they so dearly need? It sounds like your ex has done just this, unfairly painted you black, and you're left with the pain of it all. A violation of your (our) character. It's hard to accept.

.You know, I could accept it all if I had done something deserving of this but I didn't and that is the hardest thing to reconcile of all.  The conversations with her in my head continue to this day with regard to this.

.

Yes, this is hard. Wondering what you did to deserve it and coming up empty. Or worse, at times, internalising all the bad things said and self blaming. Sometimes I sit in the ruins of what has become of my life wondering how I got here. Wondering how I can get back up. I got here because I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, loved someone, and tried my very best to understand him. I lost such a lot in the process for a person who now tells me he is going to tarnish my memory. It's hard to get your head around this one and it really hurts. C.Stein I hope you find peace and the conversations get less and less.  

[Larmoyant]

Sadly, thank you for helping me balance my perspective. Regarding the message, I was caught up with thinking that he was delusional and his BPD was manifesting itself which always brings out my empathy for him, but you and others have helped me realise that maybe he's just made it up. That he's trying to push my buttons. This has helped me to regain control over myself so I don't get lost in feeling sorry for him and lose focus on my own feelings. It is more than possible that he has used this as a way to get in contact. It makes sense.

I'm fine with it today, the anxiety has diminished. I am getting stronger. He doesn't have the same effect on me as before, well he still triggers me, but I'm recovering faster. That has to be a good thing. Makes me realise that I'm on the right track. As for his birthday, I will probably send him a very brief message or a card, and will take your advice to prepare myself for any response, good or bad. In the meantime, I'm going to think of something to do that day and the day after so this birthday is a peaceful one. Not sure if you're back yet, but hope you enjoyed your holiday as much as you could. Thanks for the support Sadly 

[Sadly]

Hello Lar
Good you are sounding more positive again. Your text you got reminded me of something my ex used to do sometimes in our " not together periods". I would get a text with something quite random, like " Yes, looking forward to seeing you too" X. Button push moment. My NC would be sabotaged as I would text back " what are you talking about". Then I would get a " sorry, sent it to the wrong person" reply. Yeah, course he did  .
I got back yesterday and thank you, it was lovely to spend time with my brother and relax from the tension here. Am doing quite well still, no relapses or need to contact him. Am starting to look for work today so that's positive. Stay level and strong Lar   xx

[C.Stein]

Yes, this is hard. Wondering what you did to deserve it and coming up empty. Or worse, at times, internalising all the bad things said and self blaming. Sometimes I sit in the ruins of what has become of my life wondering how I got here. Wondering how I can get back up. I got here because I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, loved someone, and tried my very best to understand him. I lost such a lot in the process for a person who now tells me he is going to tarnish my memory. It's hard to get your head around this one and it really hurts.

L, I feel your pain and confusion.  One of the hardest things in all this is trying to understand and accept how a person can go from extreme love to hate and cruel, especially when it is at odds with our own reality and understanding of love.  It just doesn't make sense. 

You can't try to apply logic to the illogical though.  Not matter how many times these things might go round and round in our heads, at some point you will see there will never be a satisfactory resolution to the questions that plague us.  It is something that we just have to find a way to say ... .It's OK.  I can accept that I will never understand this thought process and I forgive myself for not understanding.

You are doing a good job keeping it all together L.  Remember that your personal self is defined by you, not him or anyone else.